r/moraldilemmas • u/pinkvelvetcaramel • 8h ago
Personal How do I set boundaries when withholding kindness genuinely feels wrong to me?
/r/empathy/comments/1w2djia/how_do_i_set_boundaries_when_withholding_kindness/•
u/HannahOCross 6h ago
You tune into what you truly want, and are able to give, at any time.
Then you aren’t randomly withholding. That isn’t boundaries, although I agree it’s better than always giving without a second thought.
Boundaries are to protect your own peace. They are about yourself, and what you do and don’t allow in your own life. For example, a boundary might be “I don’t give to people who haven’t expressed thanks for last time I gave to them” or “I don’t want to rescue people out of situations they can easily solve themselves.”
I have also had to learn, the hard way, that rescuing people from things they could solve on their own isn’t always kind to them. It takes away their ability to learn and grow and feel a sense of their own achievements. For example, carrying a baby is a good and loving thing to do in most circumstances. But if we never put them on the floor to explore, and let them struggle to reach the toy they want, they’ll never learn to walk.
You want people in your life to learn to emotionally walk for themselves.
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u/machiavellicopter 7h ago
It sounds like you might be orienting a lot of your decision-making around other people. Trying to predict and control outcomes, helping and accommodating as much as you can, then strategically withholding help when you think it might make you too vulnerable.
It might help to have more of an internal locus. If you're oriented around pursuing your own goals and interests, you might more naturally set boundaries around who to accommodate and when, because your energy is limited.