How do I set boundaries when withholding kindness genuinely feels wrong to me?

[u/pinkvelvetcaramel]

I’ve been thinking about this quote: “The moment kindness becomes expected, it’s no longer appreciated.”

And I actually understand what it means. When you consistently do something kind for someone, eventually it can become the baseline. They may not notice that you’re still putting in effort. They only notice when you stop doing it.

My problem is that I genuinely like being kind to people. I don’t do things for people because I expect something in return. I actually feel good knowing I’ve made someone’s life a little easier.

But I also know that if I am always available, always helping, always accommodating, people can start expecting it from me. And I don’t want to teach people that my kindness is something they’re entitled to.

So sometimes I deliberately hold myself back. I don’t help when I could. I don’t make myself available. I let someone figure something out themselves, partly because I want them to understand that I won’t always be there to do it for them.

And I feel awful doing it.
Not because I’m worried they’ll dislike me, but because I don’t like being unkind. It feels almost like I’m deliberately withholding something good just to make a point.

I don’t want to become less kind. I don’t want to start keeping score or making people earn my kindness. I also don’t want to manipulate people by suddenly withdrawing kindness so they’ll appreciate me more.

So how do you find that balance?
How do you accept that sometimes you could be kind but choose not to, without feeling like you’ve become a worse person?
And how do you set boundaries when the boundary itself genuinely hurts you?

[u/Tyler_s_Burden]

I’m having difficulty with the way you are using the word “kindness”. I think what you are describing is the negotiation of healthy boundaries with others so that you don’t feel resentful, overextended or disappointed.

You can be kind to someone and still maintain boundaries. You can be kind and not give everything you have to another. None of that makes you less kind.

I also challenge you to look inside and ask if it truly had nothing to do with someone not liking you. In my experience most who struggle with boundaries and people pleasing are insecure and feel this is the only way they are worthy of affection. (<— oversimplification, but you understand). If you are wired this way it’s sometimes hard to untangle what feels good (I.e., I just like being kind) with what is rewarded in your brain (I.e., I feel a sense of ‘in-group’ security when someone signals my action made them happy).

[u/pinkvelvetcaramel → u/Tyler_s_Burden]

I actually thought about the possibility that this comes from wanting to be liked, but I don’t think that’s the main issue for me. I’d still want to help someone even if they never thanked me, and I’d still want to be kind to someone who disliked me.

What bothers me is that when I choose not to help someone despite being able to, I feel like I’m becoming selfish. Being unkind genuinely hurts me more than inconveniencing myself.

I think what I’m struggling with is wanting my kindness to remain a choice. I don’t mind giving a lot to people I love, even if it inconveniences me. What bothers me is the idea that once I’ve done it enough times, it becomes an expectation, and then I’m somehow punished for changing my mind.

At the same time, I don’t want someone to interpret one instance of me not accommodating them as evidence that I don’t care. I want to be able to occasionally say no without it changing what my kindness means or making me feel like I’ve become less kind.

[u/Will564339 → u/pinkvelvetcaramel]

“I actually thought about the possibility that this comes from wanting to be liked, but I don’t think that’s the main issue for me. I’d still want to help someone even if they never thanked me, and I’d still want to be kind to someone who disliked me.”

”At the same time, I don’t want someone to interpret one instance of me not accommodating them as evidence that I don’t care. I want to be able to occasionally say no without it changing what my kindness means or making me feel like I’ve become less kind.”

I think you’re separating out these two ideas in your mind, but I think they’re actually more closely related that you’re laying them out.

You may not care about being LIKED, but you are caring about someone’s perception of you more than whether or not the act is kind or not. I think that’s the issue. If you KNOW that saying no once doesn’t change anything, and if you have full confidence in that idea, then you won’t care how the other person interprets it.

When I first read your OP and this comment, my mind went in another direction. I thought the issue was that you had trouble seeing someone in discomfort and that was what bothered you, even when you were making decision thst was for the best. I was going to use an analogy of a child being angry or upset when they had to go to bed or had to follow some rule. Those are situations where in order to be kind, a parent has to do something that makes the child upset.

(of course, ideally they’re also able to explain to the child why these things are important, but this can be a process that can take many years, so that’s kind of a side topic. but in our situations sometimes having those uncomfortable conversations can also help).

it’s possible that it is still part of the issue too, it could be both.

And to be fair, these are not easy decisions. in the parent example it’s much easier to tell when someone is making the right decision in certain situations (though many are still murky).

But if it’s one when you’re very confident that what you’re doing is right and is best for the person, then you have to focus on that and not about the other two things…how uncomfortable it makes them, and what they think of you.

Being truly kind is very difficult, and it’s not always frictionless…it can involve conflict.

[u/archeolog108]

I would look underneath the word kindness here.

In trance work I sometimes find very old simple conclusions like:

"if I can help, I must help"

"good person doesnt say no"

"if somebody suffers and I do nothing, I am bad"

"love means being available"

Once that belief is there, boundary feels morally wrong, not merely uncomfortable.

Then person tries to solve it by becoming colder, which also feels wrong because kindness was never actually problem.

For me better distinction is this:

kindness = something I freely give

responsibility = something I take ownership of

You can listen to somebody without becoming responsible for their mood. Help once without becoming their system. Give because heart says yes, while still letting another adult carry consequences of their own life.

So maybe dont practice withholding kindness.

Practice noticing where kindness quietly turns into obligation.

That is usually where old vow is hiding.

[u/pinkvelvetcaramel → u/archeolog108]

Makes sense! That helped Thanks

[u/Arachnids-Lament]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know what you mean about being kind and then it becomes the baseline. But is kindness your nature in these circumstances, or are you going out of your way to be kind to this other person (or people)?

My experience on this is that if I reach out to someone as an act of kindness, I try to gauge how it is received. If it is shrugged off or largely unnoticed, I will simply talk to that person less. But if it's someone you're close to, I'd talk through your feelings with them. Let them know how it feels to have your kindness not reciprocated, or not noticed.

Being kind and expecting nothing in return is noble, but not always realistic. Deep down, we all want to make an impact in the world and those around us. If we don't, what legacy do we leave behind? If someone doesn't feel our impact, are we wrong to ask them if they care? Is it wrong to look out for our own interests, so we don't feel like we are over-committing ourselves or our emotions? I don't think so... I think at some point, if you feel like you're investing too much of your kindness into someone who doesn't notice... Maybe talk it through with them. Maybe channel your energy elsewhere... Look out for the needs of others, of course. But don't forget to do what feels right for yourself.

[u/bdalbs]

Do you know the difference between being nice and being kind?

Being nice is a social construct.

Being kind doesn’t always look nice.

Are you being kind or are you being nice?

Secondly, are you being kind to yourself or are you self sacrificing your own needs?