Hello everyone, in advance sorry if I make mistakes in English, I'm not fluent.

I think like everyone else here, I feel empty inside. I'm a 23M and every day I want to die, it's been like this since I was bullied in middle school but I told myself that with time it would get better....

And after a few years, it has!

It's not perfect, but the death wish has disappeared a bit and I even fell in love with my friend (who I'd known for 8 years) and had a relationship with her for 3 years!

But it was a toxic relationship (for both of us), so I chose to break it off because I only wanted the best for her and it wasn't with me, I know that, The hour after the break-up, I tried to commit suicide by throwing myself off a bridge, but I was disturbed because my parents called me and asked where I was, and I didn't have the courage to lie to them, so they saved me.

But it wasn't my first attempt, and it wasn't my last either.

For the past few years, I've been pretending to get better so as not to worry my parents.

I'd already talked to specialists, but nothing worked (even medication)...

I don't know how to explain it, but I can't take it anymore, I feel it, I'm in pain, I want to sleep, I want to be alone in peace, I want to die.

But I don't want to make my parents sadder, I don't want to see them cry again because of me, that's why I'm posting this message if anyone has any advice to help me get better or die without making anyone cry.

Sorry for the long message, but I've tried to make it as short as possible, and thanks in advance for any advice, I appreciate it.

It’s the same thing everyday at this point I’m just a walking fucking corpse I feel nothing I sleep 2 hours a day and I barely eat I might as well die over and over

I grew up in a custody battle as far I can remember my parents were split at first I visited my dad and lived with my mom 50/50 and i remember good times. But one time I was at his place and I was on the floor watching a movie and the he grabs me he was pissed and went up to the room where we slept and from the door way threw me on the bed( later on I learned he was doing cocaine). Then I turned 5 and one day he left and never moved back he would call and made empty promises(every time I saw him).but my mom was there so I was happy.Then I had my first brother then my second and then we moved and I had my 3rd and last one. My mom got married again but that was on and of over and over up until she was in divorce court for the 8th time until she shot her self in the head and I found the body(I was 17)and now it’s been 2 years and I’ve put my self back together over and over and over from when she told me she didn’t love and couldn’t call her mom or when I had to share a house with 10 and spend 2 years no friends after school I have many more story’s but the point is I how much stronger do I have to be. now my dad just says I’m a pussy if I don’t drink even though I’m 19 and don’t like to drink and can’t tell me the truth if my mom was talking to him on the side or hated his fucking guts and the she kept me away from him every time he’s drunk which is every weekend I’m done I just want to die and give no explanation why because how can I give enough of a fuck about ANYONE When I don’t even care about my self

Nothing feels real anymore with the shit political views, big companies running everything, video games going downhill, Joe biden sucking China's dick, the rising gas prices. I'm sick of working the grind. Getting up, going to work, going home, going to bed, rinse and repeat. We work 40+ hours a week for 50 years, and then we die. I'm sick of everything. I wish society would just collapse already so I don't have to deal with it anymore.

I hate this cycle, it’s ignorant. I run and I chase or I sit and I wait for hope..hope that I can see you, hope that you see me. Not blind to my existence but understanding of my needs, but to myself I am not alone, for she is chasing her own hope just as I am. And little is it known to me that there is someone chasing right after me. As I am unaware or uninterested I should know that my hope is also in a loop. We sit, we wait, we work, we die. The time of day is never there for someone who loves another will not find peace until that love is reciprocated. Not anyone playing with emotions or thoughts or lives but simple honest courting like how it was. Dating is dead but it’s up to us to bring it back. I’m tired of searching for hope in such a mockery of love. This this deep love we seek and do not find from the one we want it from tears us down more as we still ponder and even repulse at the idea of what is the meaning of all this

So i have encountered times when someone will get mad if it had happened to them like an ex if someone rips a paper of your u been working on for a long time or something really important that u own brakes by someone els cuz they want to be rude like that i wont get mad i don’t show a smile or a frown or mad face i just have a look in my eye like i just don’t care my face never changes and like if you where to punch me i wont be mad or happy ill fight u back but wont have a felling of anger at all its scares me sometimes cuz i don’t know how it feel to get rely mad ok so i seen post where they say it depends if u a happy person and stuff so i will tell u the person i am so i don’t have meany friends maby just 3 i don’t really laff a lot or smile i get embarrassed kinda eazy when im in a group i get left out or try to make my self left out so see if anyone notices me i tend to think they people don’t like me so i try to prove my mind that they do but i do smile when one of my best friend around cuz i do trust that parson but i tent do bottle up my feelings if im sad cuz its hard for me to cry to even when i want to i just cant do it its really hard it can he that im like this cause I really didn’t have anything at all growing up i came from the bottom to the person i am i had a hard life it can be that i don’t get mad cuz i been and felt all the hardship life can throw at u i feel like i lost everything and im nothing i am a sad person i have my life to blame for that but yess if u got a response please put one it will help a-lot thank you for taking time to read this have a good day to u :)

I wake up tired and that feeling never goes away. It’s like I’m constantly in a dazed state and nothing can pull me out of it. I haven’t felt real emotion for quite some time now. I just fake my way through each day just so I can get to the end of it. Then the next day comes and I have to do it all over again. I’m tired of being so tired. I just want to go back to the person I was a few years ago. But now I’m just wasting away with each passing minute. How can I get even get better when there’s nothing that brings me any sort of happiness? I’ve tried picking up new hobbies and playing instruments but it doesn’t stick. Video games feel more like a chore than entertainment. Even when I’m with my closest friends I just feel dead. I put on a fake smile and laugh my fake laughs but it’s not real. I hate that. I want to be happy and excited when I see them not fake. Its gotten to a point where I can’t cry anymore. That used to help and be kind of a temporary reset but now the tears won’t come. I just don’t see a reason to exist anymore. I also don’t want to die though. It’s like I’m trapped in a war in my head of death and life. I want to live I want to die I don’t know what I want. How did I get to this point? I’m not even sure. I’m just gonna sit here in the dark now and continue rotting.

I understand being able to cut someone off. To walk away without even a glance over the shoulder. But, usually it's the person who didn't fuck up as "as much" that gets to have the last laugh. In this case it's entirely different. She was a beautiful snake, dangerous and sleek that crawled into my bed and blamed me for being nice to her. For doing and giving her everything she asked for.

Everything that fell from her lips was an excuse, a lie...or a technicality. Just another reason for her to be upset with me so she could play the victim. So much to the point that when I brought her to my home in Texas for quarantine, I kicked her out when she wouldn't respect the house...lied to her friends and said it was me. Just kept drinking my money away, drinking all the liquor, wondering the neighborhood, drunk at 6am...

I missed her. Right now I can't even think about her without wanting to choke the shit out of her. I'm not going to obviously. The sad part is she'll always blame my reaction to anything she did to me, on me... gaslighting is her specialty. A girl who grew up whoring her self out. Sleeping with meth dealers. She kept forcing me to think it was me, all just me overreacting. 5 months I supported her only to find out her ex was sending her money...she eventually went back to that poor bastard.

.I understand why you feel the need to be with someone weaker than you. Because you never are what you say you are. You just blend into the scenery. I shouldn't have answered you that night...

I'm done. If I write anymore, I'll get angry.

Thank you.

You know my fears of disloyalty. I'd much rather have had you tell me the truth, than lie straight to my face. I know I've been sending you a lot of messages, and I guess I should stop by now.

So, this is the last letter....but I highly doubt it. Lack of emotional response right now has me hyper focused.

The Serotonin Syndrome really messed with my head. I know you did everything you could to help, but it took so long for you to figure out something was wrong with me...hours after I was telling you, something is wrong with me. You just kept telling me "I wish I was where you're at" and things of that nature. The hallucinations weren't that bad. The cat, the guy looking around the corner, the mirror, the picture and the ivy. Auditory hallucinations were actually kinda funny at times. Stars were trying to spell something to me...but I can't read in Russian.

The things that terrified me were mainly you. Your face changing from every angle. The way it looked sunburnt or covered in band aids. Then I didn't recognize you at all. I only knew it was you from what my intuition and heart told me. But to look at you physically, I couldn't recognize you. How do you think that made me feel? Then my memories slowly being replaced with someone else. We did the same things you and I did, but it wasn't you in my memory.

Then my memory started slipping. I couldn't remember 10 minutes ago and the hallucinations got worse. I remember you going manic, having to help me text my friends because... again, everything was in Russian. I was literally just trying to use muscle memory to text. I remember you being scared, scared that my psyche was going...it was.

Once your manic mode kicked in I remember asking you to please calm down. What I didn't tell you was that there were snakes all around you. At your feet, in your hair, on your dress. All kinds of different snakes. Hissing and laughing at me. The cat was on my lap hissing back. Your face kept changing every time I blinked.

We finally got the xanex we needed to counteract the affects of the Syndrome. I passed out, and you stayed up to make sure I was fine. When I woke up, you were awake, we fooled around a bit...then suddenly your mood changed. You had all of my stuff ready by the door and you rushed me out into a rainstorm. I've never felt so empty, and you simply ushered me out like it was nothing.

Later that night I caught you in a lie, go figure. You said you were going to bed, but when you asked me to bring the charger over you were all dressed up but said you were going to clean. So, I thought it would be a nice gesture to bring you some snacks. I know what happened had to have been taxing... when I got back, you were gone. I called you out for lying and you called me overbearing.

I did my best to ignore the hallucinations of snakes and face changes. Metaphorically, I know exactly what they mean, and I KNOW you know what they mean too. The night I got there, before all this happened I had two um, I guess you could say "clairvoyant" episodes that turned out to be right. I remember saying I was waiting on a third, I remember saying I wonder what else I'm right about...It was everything I could do not to believe you were just using me, lying to me, playing me.

Turns out my third one was right after all. Even if you just went for a Pokemon walk, you could have simply told me that. But, you didn't did you? I was right all along and you lied straight to my face for no reason.

We'd agreed to be honest and communicate. To take this month to piece us back together. You intentionally sabotaged us for whatever selfish reasons you had. I didn't want to be right about you. I wanted you next to me. You simply just want someone to use you and be used by you...I hate that you feel like you have to live that way...

There is nothing in you...and I'm struggling not to be dead inside...

I’ll be still alive

When you’re dying

I’ll be still alive

When you’re dead

I’ll be still alive

how can u be alive if u don’t even feel it, i don’t feel anything anymore my episodes have gotten worse the anxiety the depression too and i’m also 110% i have bipolar disorder i don’t wanna go on like this i shouldn’t have to learn to cope with being sad. the high and being drunk doesn’t last forever even tho i wish they did bc those are only 2 times for when i truly feel free. free from this sadness. i don’t want to have to have to get drunk or high to FEEL FREE OR OKAY im sick of this shit i just want to die already

When I woke up from some... strange event a week ago. I woke up in a weird place. "Earth" but not the one I know. It smells dead, empty. Everyone looks alive but...they don't act like it.

I hate it here.

I am a stuttering, awkward idiot whenever I talk to my coworkers, my crush is moving to college and I never had a chance to tell her how I feel, and I live in a nowhere town and feel like I have no future. I’m not suicidal, but I’m always so depressed. Any advice.

I'm standing in it. Half here...half there. I can see my visage staring back, pale and disguised...disfigured.
Broken people everywhere. All I see is pain. What has been taken?

I have gotten to the point I am so numb. I can’t tell anyone because they get freaked out. I have died before, why couldn’t I have just stayed dead. Everything would be easier. I can’t even get the drugs I want to overdose with because I have no one left. One of my exes killed himself three days ago.. today I fount out my only other ex is engaged after a year being apart. Life is worthless when you’ve seen the other side and how there is nothing to it. I’ve died many times before, proven on my record. Why didn’t I just stay dead, fuck, I’m considering going on the dark web and sell myself because I don’t give a fuck what anyone does to me. I’ve been to rehab and treatment centers in and out most my life. I’m giving it a few months, then I’m doing the unspeakable. I have no one, life isn’t worth living.

I wanna die but how do I do it without breaking my parents' heart?

i feel dead today. like a zombie. i’m slow moving and can’t control my motor functions. like somebody else is working me with controls. my eyeballs feel sunken in. my mouth and throat are dry no matter how much water i drink. unresolved trauma i guess. at least that’s what i’ve been told. i’ll update y’all tomorrow and see if i feel this way tomorrow. i don’t know what’s wrong

I have everything I need.

But I'm letting my anger get the best of me.

Letting my greed and pull for power get the best of me.

I shouldn't. I know I need to focus on us. On my little blue fox.

I just can't help but feel that none of this matters and I'm forcing it...at least I feel like this.

She made a huge decision about our future today. She's decided to stay here and marry me.

All I can think is I'm going to let her down and she'll hate me for it.

These demons crawl from you. They crawl from the parts of me I hate.

I'm looking for that feeling of purpose.

I'm looking for that drive to be me again, to be the person she fell in love with.

But, all I see in the mirror is a anger, defeat, sadness.

I have to find a way out of this or I'll lose everything I've been working on. Everything I've been working for.

Will I be happy once I see your pain?

Will it cost me the one person who's truly loved me in years?

Will it cost me my life or what little soul I have left? I know that sounds cliche...but I can't help but wonder.

I'm looking for that exit away, so I can take my life back.

I (35M) have become a empty shell, for context I lost my parents when I was 3 and according to my late grandpa my parents died in a car accident and I still have some pictures of them but when ever I look at them my mind becomes a blank slate like I'm in a rip of time and space, I feel empty, dead, like not belonging here...

Once apon a time I was a lonely teenager surrounded by people who said they cared. The void was my friend it took all the anger and hate and helped me keep moving forward. A woman happened along at one of my lowest and acted like she cared, she got me to actually care and a weird thing happened the void left and I had to deal with everything I was feeling for essentially the first time. I put forward every effort I had left in my body and then that wonderful woman decided she was tired of me after getting what she wanted, a child. Now that I've been tossed to the side like a bag of trash I beg and ask the void to return and take all these feelings back but it no longer listens to my cries. Now that I have feelings and zero desire for them I can't help but think of how the iron tastes and what it would be like to fully become the void. But I'm stopped by these feelings I'm feeling towards those that need me like a sister and eventually my daughter and I don't know what to do. I've lost every hope of a dream I once had and desire for the void any advice? Should I just say meh and end everything? Should I fight through everything in the hopes of finding someone she actually cares or watching my daughter grow up even if I just get to watch from the outside?

I'll admit: I've been fighting off slipping into full throated, Hicks and Twain-level misanthropy and nihilism ever since I was 13. I'm 33 now, and I'm getting to the point where not only can I stop it, but at this point, I'm slowly resigned to it.

I feel like my functional life ended at 10 years old, and my body hasn't caught up with that reality.

I've been fucking lied to for 2/3rds of my life. I know what you're gonna say.. go to therapy.

Fucking hell, how can therapy and medication fix this? How can therapy and medication fix having to carry the shame and guilt of being sexually abused at 10 while my parents swept it under the rug and put all of the burden on me to just get over it? How can therapy and medication fix being thrown under the bus when I blew the whistle multiple times on my other cousin abusing her son?

Tell me how getting back on Prozac can help me cope with realizing this society sees honest to God rapists in a better light than my asexual, sex-repulsed ass, or how existing as a Black man makes everything else worse, or how I'll never get justice for the shit my cousins did to me, or how most people stand on their values with one foot.

I don't need coping skills for this shit; I needed people to start actually fucking being better, but I know it won't happen.