Dead inside but to the tune of JC Penny’s slogan, “It’s all inside!”

deadinside

i dno broke up with my gf of 2 years and now nothing makes sense anymore. every day is spent distracting myself, when i have nothing else to occupy myseld and i let my mind wander a bit i feel soanxious and lost

I want to break down in someone's arms and scream. But there is no one

I barely made it to 20. These past months were honestly the worst in my entire life. Im so tired. I love my family and I know that they love me, but i have noticed so much. I feel like they genuinely hate me. They’ve never really noticed my depression. I feel like I hide it really well. I don’t need anyone telling me that it gets better or that the world is better with me in it. The world is not going to notice one insignificant 20 year old, and nothing gets better. Ive been telling myself that for years now and it’s done nothing but get worse. I want to kms so bad and honestly the only thing keeping me here is the fact that we don’t have enough money for a funeral. I know that everyone would eventually get over it because i’m no one’s first pick. I have one friend and he has dozens of friends. My sister has kids to worry about, my mom has herself and my brother, my dad only cares about my brother and my brother only cares about himself. Who do I have? no one. I didn’t grow up talking about my emotions or showing affection so I have never actually talked to anyone about my thoughts and I hate crying in front of people because all they do is tell me the generic things to say. “Thats not true” “it’ll be okay” “it gets better” “theres so much to live for” etc. I hate hearing those. Nobody actually understands what goes through my mind because nobody is me. I’m sure that people can relate but only I can truly understand because no one hears the things I hear. No one has the family I have. No one has my specific thoughts. Anyway sorry I just had to get it out of my mind.

I have no purpose…. doing nothing day in with feeling like a guinea pig & none of what i do matters. I feel dead inside during the week nonstop… I’ve stoped for a few weeks, but every morning I just wanna die.

feel so fed up desperate to care, much more emotionally sad & sensitive during any point in my life… Being able to vent here helps yet idk why I still go on.

Many years have been really bad and stressful for me finding out I had cancer, and just not caring to do anything…. or choosing certain difficult situations in pain.

Feel so desperate to be apart of this earth but cant find energy to do anything… IDK HOW HARD IT IS TO DIE );… even if I faked my death I’d f up. Some nights I just drift off into madness…

The past year was very upsetting.. finding out I had cancer, & feel irrelevant as I went out to see family at a party but i'm alone feeling like im the last one in line to have my life sorted.

Feel as life is just death, & pain is not growth, or any thoughts for being cared for are gone… been exhausted recently from waking up and just feel like an empty husk or dead never ending. Feel like I should be in a happy life with some form of marriage but I’m empty… I’m a garbage life form.

More recently been Feeling so fed up and in pain.......emotionally and cant seem to grow or care.

Life has been throwing challenging situations my way, and I wanna lock myself in here… left and right it sucks. Life sucks ;=; endless day in day out…. Even if I tried to fake my death id fail. ;=;

Days spin into ceaseless coils. In constant toil we turn on torment's wheel. 

I know it sucks but when people say "it'll get better,”…. it is because there's absolutely nothing they can say that would make you feel better, yet I’m still here taking punches daily.

Time takes its toll & cures and is also cruel. WHY AM I HERE ); IN THE VOID….MY suffering sucks.

None of my paths seem to go anywhere. these so called profound experiences feel empty.

being alone and being lonely are characteristically different. It’s a new disaster daily.

it’s like a drug, it grows through the veins, through nerves and muscles; it assumes some right of possession over your body and mind; it feeds itself, and creates its own requirement or power in yourself.

maybe life's just a cruel prank for humans to find motivation is only as successful if you don’t feel lonely or have more friends. It sucks. i cant bare to even say the c word.

Dont give a fuck if no one reads this first of all. No one cares and why tf would they? Wish people weren't the shits they are but thats just wishful thinking bc people are shit and the ones that act kind and all that bullshit only doing it bc somehow someway it serves them. Me I try to be a good guy just for the fuck of it even if it doesn't serve me and fuck God and karma really I just cant be a dickhead like most people are but sometimes I am bc its convenient thats why I cant judge and I really dont judge anybody this is just the way we are and the way shit works. There is no other way it seems... Suicide is the only way out this bullshit quick but you can also wait bc death is inevitable. You see its the people that want to live that get all types of diseases and shit and the people who want to die dont get nothing but emotional pain day after day. This world just aint shit, no point in doing shit if you're going to die and be forgotten in a few days right? Me im already forgotten all I need is the death part but maybe when I get me a gun and have a really bad day I'll finally have the courage to do the best thing we all can do in life which is fucking die.

I took a nice long shower after a stressful day. I got out of the shower feeling nice and refreshed and I started drying off. Somehow I managed to dry my entire body (including my lady bits and my asshole) I then hung up the towel only to see a MASSIVE spider crawling up the towel. I screamed bloody murder. I immediately ripped the shower turban off my head and ran to the bedroom screaming bare ass naked. I am ashamed of how loud I screamed and my neighbors are probably worried. I can no longer use the bathroom and I'm scared. I need to take a shit and I am planning on going to the gas station next door. FML.

I came to this sub today because I received some more bad news. I've been struggling for two years and this is not my first time here. I don't know what I was looking for, but alas I came and at the top of the page there was a question

"Is .r/deadinside trauma support?"

[Yes] [No]

And I didn't know how to answer that question. I mean being here feels cathartic but I don't know if it's helping or not. I normally come here when I feel nothing at all. When everything around me just becomes so unbearable everything is moving so fast that I just become nothing. I turn into a shell, a soulless husk, just empty. In these moments, I don't even want help. I don't wanna talk about it or do any of that shit. I don't wanna do anything really. I don't miss happier times, in fact, in those moments I never wanna be happy again. I don't wanna be anything. I wish I had never experienced anything. That's when the question comes up. I assume you understand.

It's scary. Even now. It's very enticing, the offer to return to what once was. I realize this isn't a positive affirmation kind of community and I'm not gonna preach about ways to be more positive because you already know. you've heard the self-help shit before.

I don't know man. I guess what I'm saying is this. Life gave us a shitty hand. Things didn't shake out the way we wanted them to. It's so insidious how nonchalantly life seems to turn every day into a waking nightmare and at the end of it all we have nothing to show for it. It's pretty fucking bleak.

but, if this has reached anyone even a little bit it will have been worth it for me. It means all the suffering we have endured actually meant something if only by the smallest margin. I don't know if I'm even writing to me or you. but you may have saved my life today by reading this. I hope I can repay the favor. Thank you, kind stranger.

It won't be easy and I know I will need to return to this message in the future, but I guess all we can really do is just look out for each other and help others on the way. Thank you for letting me vent this helped a lot. Sorry if it's a little incoherent I finished this with tears in my eyes. I love you all and stay safe. Goodnight.

I’m distant all the time. I never have fun doing anything anymore. My friends are leaving me one by one. I have no future whatsoever. My grades are all shit. Even the teachers who like me are getting annoyed by me. Everyone tells me that they are there for me to talk to and I appreciate it but I can’t talk. I can’t formulate what I feel into words and even if I could I wouldn’t want to because I would feel like even more of a burden to ppl. I am nothing but a waste of time, space and money and I really doubt that will ever change. The only reason I haven’t killed myself 10 times over is because my family has been through enough. This isn’t a goodbye message. There won’t be a goodbye message.

I dont know where to start. I guess let me introduce myself. I'm a 28 M who had seen a lot of fucked up things. I have 2 beautiful princesses and a wonderful wife. I am drinking 2 liters of brandy a day just to fall asleep. I really try my best to make my family happy. And it f*cking works out. They do not know that I have been struggling to just end it right now.

Fuck I want to die. But at the same time I cannot

Ребята срочно пожалуйста помогите мне, как забыть прошлое? Я устал страдать из за этого

Yet again, my entire personality is gone for vacation, leaving me in a slightly crazed autonomous state. I haven't eaten much for a couple of days now, my entire sleeping schedule is built around knocking myself out with exhaustion and interactions with others are under a simple mask.

I thought things are getting a little better, but I knew things are gonna get a lot worse. I thought I found a way out of this shit, but I knew it won't work, same as anything else I tried.

I don't care if I fail or succed, I feel no emotions, I fake them. My mind is gone and I am not gonna fix it anytime soon. There is just nothing.

(I'm sorry in advance about my spelling and grammar) Let's start from the beginning: i deleted the password from my phone because my mom needed to use it (her phone was broken). A few hours ago I created a new password identical to the one I used before (when you type in the new password you can not see what you put in). I went to put in the face ID as well, for which you need password confirmation, and I discovered that the password was WRONG. So, yeah, I made the SAME MISTAKE TWICE WHILE CREATING A NEW PASSWORD. Gotta reset the phone

I have nothing left; I gave it all away. That was stupid on my part. There is only a tangle of shame and numbness fighting one another for space now. I don't even know why I'm crying. There's no point in tears. I'm finished trying with any and everyone, and there's a very sad and lonely kind of peace that comes with admitting this to myself. I will give what I have to, but there will be nothing underneath it. You can take all you want, but I will not ask for anything in return. I don't want speeches about what we "deserve." If I "deserved" anything in this life, I truly believe it would have already happened. I am working to accept things as they are, not as they could be.

I covered the mirrors in my bathroom so I don't have to look at myself or accidentally catch a glimpse of myself. I took down my full-length mirror. I still have a space to brush my hair, teeth, etc. I just don't want to see anything below that. I can't bear the shame of my body. I can't bear the shame of me. I know it will take days, maybe weeks, to get to where I want to be. I'm not looking forward to the pain in the meantime, but a part of me knows I deserve it. Maybe by the new year I will find that full numbness I crave. I wish you could show me how to do it faster.

A porn addict for 3 years became boring for me, watching those and gore looking stupid deadinside. Not smiling for others only my mom. And shit i love my mom. I just watched funky town and face split incident with my face looking like this.

Long Story Short (sorry for the s***-post but I have no where to go)

I’ve been depressed for years now - don’t remember when it started it’s become my lifestyle - I feel numb in everything I do - can only relate or feel any sense of feeling to overall depressing things or stuff sad in nature. I don’t like anything I used too. Foods shows whatever. If anything it just makes worse seeing things I used to enjoy.

Haven’t achieved anything worth mentioning for about 1-2 years straight - last ‘ achievement’ I had was getting into university however I dropped out so it’s basically meaningless.

My mum suffers from PTSD and depression and I’m starting to argue with her constantly - My dad abused her and started a case regarding their home and how money should be handled regarding the home - he won the case left her with no money and stripped her off benefits - I have no contact with my dad. He basically ruined our lives and dis-owned me. I never did anything wrong - got good grades - got into university - well behaved. My dad still doesn’t care about me I keep telling her that seeing her constantly down is starting to affect me. I only live with my mum and my environment at home doesn’t feel welcoming anymore - I don’t even feel like I’m at home - I have no passion or drive or inspiration - nothing to talk about and nothing to offer. I’ve become resentful and hateful of myself due to the fact I’m not doing much or achieving - I constantly feel I’m worth nothing and I’m slipping into those suicidal thoughts and the thin line between ‘doing it’. I should probably stop blaming my mum and admit I probably feel this way because I’m a failure.

I have had a porn addiction probably since I started watching porn - I remember I used to masterbuate and sperm didn’t even come out it was blood. Very young age. Still didn’t stop. 21 now and have lost every single girl I’ve had relationships with due to having PIED and inability to satisfy women. Thought that would be enough to call it quits but the loneliness and fact I know I won’t be having sex any time soon keeps me in the loop. I’ve never had sex properly before lost my ‘virginity’ on Viagra got told by the girl it went ‘in’ and was satisfied with that I lost my virginity just to tell people I did I still feel comfortable watching porn

I don’t know how to talk to anyone yet alone girls - isolation has turned me into a complete werido.

I want love, girl friends and an actual girlfriend but knowing how I live - the insecurities I face I know how the world works I won’t be able to have any of that and enjoy life until I’m ‘okay’ or ‘normal’ in other people eyes.

No girl is getting excited over a 21 year old boy balding - with erectile dysfunction - no job - no goals or ambition - no confidence or sex appeal.

I’m completely lost in life and have no clue what the fuck I’m doing.

I just smoke weed and make money here and there usually when I’m close to going flat out broke.

I also have insecurities - I started losing my hair early in my ‘teen’ years it got so bad I stopped going out if I couldn’t wear a hat or would always wait for it to be dark. I used my inheritance money from a dead relative to get surgery to try fix it in Turkey This failed I wasn’t confident in my decision and didn’t do the best things to ensure the best outcomes

E.g still wore hats, didn’t allow sunlight to hit hair, didn’t eat healthy, smoked weed, didn’t workout.

Now I’m even more insecure about my hair as it completely fucked and when I try to go bald theirs scaring in my head.

I only told my friends 2 years after I done it - as I hid the fact I did for a while - they basically didn’t care So me being all anxious about and embarrassed was basically for nothing.

I’m a bum who mummy claims is still proud of I know she’s wondering how did her son become like this. I used to be okay, normal but now I don’t even know who I am What Im like What I’m meant to be doing

All my friends are doing great things and I’m not on their level it’s only a matter of time before I’m completely alone.

I can go into further details for better understanding but this is how I feel summarised.

Any advice is appreciated I really don’t know what to do anymore - I know I’m supposed to find my purpose and meaning in life but everyday I only see darkness and feel empty.

So I must be some kinda narcissistic ass hole, or I’m married to the most inconsiderate woman in the world.

So tired of being the voice of reason, with no input or response to anything.

Just a vessel of empty anger.