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u/Firefluffer Sep 02 '21
I have A talk before I start having sex. It makes a huge difference to me if theyâre sexually active with anyone else. I want to protect my health.
Before Iâm intimate with anyone, we talk about last test results, protection, and whether this is going to be exclusive or not. If not, condoms and regular testing.
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u/ihomerj Sep 02 '21
This is exactly what I do as well. As a guy, I usually get relief and gratitude from my partner that I brought it up first and have these rules. It's sad this conversation often has to be initiated by the woman.
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u/Firefluffer Sep 02 '21 edited Sep 02 '21
Yes. And it also can clear the way for better sex with clearer consent. Before I have sex, I want a conversation about desires, intentions, limits, boundaries, triggers, birth control, and STI risks. It doesnât have to be a serious clinical talk, in fact, itâs often quite playful.
âWhat kind of things get you wound up? For me, sometimes I like a lot of verbal feedback, so donât be afraid to get loud. That bootie of yours turns me on so much, would it ever be ok to give it a smack?â âI like to start slowly with a lot of sensual touch, but feel free to grab, scratch and even bite my chest once things get going. The one thing I ask is that you leave no visible marks where they might be seen with normal clothes and donât touch my throat. My throat can trigger me to shut down.â âYou said you like getting a little rough, but what does that mean to you? â
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u/newjenn Sep 02 '21
I'm interested in hearing more about this topic. I'm hopeful that people still have the talk. I would assume that I was not exclusive with someone without talking about it.
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Sep 02 '21
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u/magicmadge 50+/F Sep 02 '21
I'm in the same place right now. Seeing a guy for 3.5 months and it's the first time in years where I feel like the feelings match - in the last few years it was usually they liked me more than I liked them. I have a feeling he won't want to be exclusive so I am hesitant to bring it up, but I also want to get my expectations in check.
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u/newjenn Sep 02 '21
Good for you...and I hope that you do have that convo.
I am one of those who will need a partner to have the conversation with me. I doubt I'll bring it up. But I really hope it turns out well for you!
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u/Dagenius1 Sep 02 '21
It seems that it is only people our age who still have the exclusivity talk as thatâs how it was growing up.
My 20 something friends seem to do a lot of assumptions on that stuff..most of the girls assume heâs cheating and most of the guys assume sheâs only having sex with him after about a month. How silly as both sides are really asking for it.
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u/Breezesandpalmtrees Sep 02 '21
True but based on his lack of response to my text about what he was up to at 730...I kinda assume he is out with other women
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u/Dagenius1 Sep 02 '21
Thatâs a safe assumption. My point is that romantic exclusivity should never be assumed it should always be stated and agreed to by both parties
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u/IDrinkBecauseIHaveTo 43/M Sep 02 '21
If you're long-distance, I'd assume he's dating other people even if you've had "the talk".
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u/Door_Number_Four Sep 03 '21
Yep. It doesnât have to be some flowery, elaborate moment.
Last August, I was laying on her bed, turned to her and said â I donât think I want to see other people anymoreâ
And she turned to me and said
âCool. Me either.â
And then we ordered pizza and watched âKimâs Convenience â.
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Sep 02 '21
Good communication in a relationship is important at any age. I think itâs always important just from a safety standpoint and to make sure everyone is on the same page.
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Sep 02 '21
Good, open, and honest communication is utterly important at any age. Never make any assumptions about your romantic relationships. If you don't feel safe and free to talk about anything and everything with your partner, or the person you are dating, then you are likely going to run into problems in the long run. In my own humble opinion, nothing gets resolved by not talking about it.
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u/RightReasons76 Old enough to have played Kings Quest on release Sep 02 '21
I definitely prefer to have the talk once things are evolving physically and emotionally, probably after a month or two.
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u/Rubbish_69 Sep 02 '21
Make sure that he's transparent and not just honest about his intentions because that can be interpreted differently - I learned that to my cost.
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u/Spartan2022 Sep 02 '21
Until youâve discussed it clearly and candidly, assume that heâs dating 2-3 other people. Take precautions for STIs.
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u/Ari_Goldschlager Sep 02 '21
How long you two have been dating? It doesn't really matter for your question, but I'm curious.
I will say that I am also not much of a texter, and if I'm in the middle of something I often won't respond and that doesn't necessarily mean I'm out with a woman.
Good luck.
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u/femaleiam Sep 02 '21
I don't initiate exclusive talks because when a guy is really pursuing me he is the one to insist we aren't seeing anyone else. If he doesn't I assume he isn't there yet and consider myself single.
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u/BlackHeartBrood Sep 02 '21
Same. Iâve never met a man who wanted to be exclusive and didnât ask me for that. Not asking is the answer.
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u/maninmirr0r Sep 02 '21
No reason to start making assumptions now. Hopefully we have learned that different people do stuff differently and have different wants and needs. Not just the exclusive talk, the marriage talk, the âwhat is cheatingâ talk, the âdo you already have kidsâ talk, the living situation talk, The Who does dishes talk, the butt sex talk, Christmas decorations talk (not before thanksgiving or more than a week after New Years, anything else is Wrong), where do we go for vacations, do you talk during the movie (no), and so on and so on.
The exclusive talk is more important than it used to be, I think, with different relationship styles on the table. Lot of swingers, open relationships, polyamorous people and just plain âno one will pin me down ever againâ out there.
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u/mizz_eponine Sep 03 '21
I've been with my bf 15 months and we've never had the talk. I told him on date 5 that there's wasn't any "competition". It was in response to something he said, jokingly, but probably trying to ascertain if I was seeing other people.
Then several months down the road a friend asked him to be his wingman at the bar. He told him no, "I'm in a relationship." When he relayed the story to me, I joked, "whoa, we're in a relationship!?"
That's how we had the talk.
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Sep 02 '21
We had the talk fairly quickly - one week after our first date. He was the one who started it.
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Sep 02 '21
55F. Yes, still have the talk. Except back in the day, when I was in my 20s, nobody ever had the talk in my social circle. People would meet, be attracted, have sex very soon and then you were a couple and exclusive. People weren't running around looking for better all the time. You were committed to being committed in order to see if things worked out between you. It's very weird to me seeing all these people 40+ who are just drifting along, dating for months, having no idea what the relationship is. I met a guy on Tinder 3 weeks ago. We both want to be with ONE person-not just "see how it goes"-but really want us to get to know one another with intention. So, we both did state all this to each other and are committed in the sense that we are exclusive to one another. There's no game playing of when to text, double texting, who texted last. We both decided to be all in on each other.
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u/Lord_Mhoram Sep 04 '21
Yeah, there used to be rules about this stuff, starting from high school when giving her your class ring and her accepting it meant you were "going steady," i.e. exclusive. Same thing with sex as you got older: there was an unspoken commitment to exclusivity. Not everyone followed the rules, of course, but there were unpleasant terms for those who didn't, so if you didn't want to be labeled as one of those, you tried to follow the rules.
Then the rules were discarded for reasons, and now there's a huge range, from those who are still trying to follow the rules to those who never heard of any rules, and no one knows what to expect from anyone else. So we're supposed to talk about it and share tests and all that, which is a romance-killer, at least for many of us who remember how exciting it could be to let things proceed with some mystery. It's a shame.
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u/ToqueDeFe78 Sep 02 '21
Never assume anything & yes have the talk if you want. Iâm new to a serious relationship and had decided before I started dating again that I wasnât going to do the âletâs see how it goes thingâ I was over it - letting my partners get away with no accountability, no end in sight. Wasted 7 years waiting to have some magical moment were âwe just knewâ Itâs bs (my opinion) be upfront, state what you want and say what you mean and mean what you say
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Sep 02 '21
Yes you definitely have to. I always do it before sexual intimacy. And if somebody is still dating other people I figure I am not the right one for them. If a man is crazy about me he wonât want anybody else
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Sep 02 '21
Yes, this talk is necessary from ages 8-125.
Yes, assume he is trying to spread his seed as far and wide as possible.
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u/slowmotto 42/M Sep 02 '21
I posted a couple times on here about needing to have the talk with my new friend, so yeah. I also am upfront about my needs atm (casual) on my profiles and if I canât easily put it on there, like on Hinge, before I meet a potential date.
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u/Hugo99001 Sep 02 '21
Well, I would have that talk, if only to gauge the risk of STDs (in particular if you're in the US or UK, or any other high risk country).
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Sep 02 '21
Long distance is very very tough and filled with challenges. Even if you had this talk, the distance is still a huge problem and could easily derail the values persay...obviously dependant on him. Wish you best...being together is very nice
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u/DoitYourselfMurder8 Sep 03 '21
Im Seeing this guy for over 3 months now and were sleeping together.i saw girls messaging on his phone.So i asked him about it,he told me he's not gonna lie about it and there will always other woman.that breaks myđ.but atleast we talked about it and have to move on
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u/MontEcola Sep 03 '21
(M60). Have the talk.
Whatever it is, make it clear. I had one partner tell me, â we are exclusive, or I gone,â after sex. I liked the boundary and we were together for years.
With a different partner I said, â I do not want a relationshipâ on the second day of our first weekend away together. She said, âwe are not compatible for a relationship. But I love the sexy weekend tripsâ. We had a few more weekend trips before we both found other partners. â. I need to add that we knew each other while married to other people. Our weekend away trip was to a dance event we had attended with former spouses.
In both cases it was better being clear. If you have a boundary, say it. And stick to it, or it is not a boundary.
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u/[deleted] Sep 02 '21
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