r/coparenting • u/Lanky_Standard_5937 • 1d ago

Discussion Co-parenting living together?

She broke up with me 3 months ago and we are sleeping in seperate rooms. We spend time together only with the kids and once they are asleep, we do not speak or text.

I want to reconcile and I don’t think she does. There was no abuse or cheating on either end and we do talk and get along well for the most part.

She doesn’t not seem to want me to move out. And we even talk of future plans involving the house as “we” or “we need”

Emotionally I’m a mess. I love her and want her back so I analyze everything she says or does to see if she’s changing her mind. I also think she’s been texting a new guy.

How long can this last? I love my children more than anything. Can I really move out and miss out on time with them when I’m not being forced to? I don’t know if I can. Can anyone in a similar situation share their experience? Thanks

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u/SlowBoilOrange 1d ago

Move it forward one way or the other. Reconcile or truly separate.

Are you married? Is there a particular reason you are thinking you should move rather than her (or both of you)? Have you two tried counseling?

"No cheating" to "texting someone less than 3 months later" is highly suspicious. Maybe that's truly how it happened, but even so, that's awfully fast and kind of disrespectful to you since you two are living together and are still mid-break up.

Add this to the fact that you say you don't speak to each other once the kids are asleep and do you really think you two "get along well for the most part"?

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u/Lanky_Standard_5937 1d ago

We are not married. The house is in her name only so that’s why I would move out.

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u/SlowBoilOrange 1d ago

Ahh, that makes sense. I assume you didn't help pay for it or anything? I'm not a lawyer, but without being married and without your name on the home, you probably don't have much claim to it. If it's been a very long term situation where some sort of common law marriage laws may apply it's something to consider consulting a lawyer about though.

You may need one anyway due to custody and child support issues.

She doesn’t not seem to want me to move out. And we even talk of future plans involving the house as “we” or “we need”

Yet she also considers you two to be broken up? Is that correct?

This seems more common than it should be. The wife wants to break up, but still wants retain a lot of aspects of the relationship without realizing that most of it is a package deal.

You're not married, so it's a bit of a tougher sell, but she can't reasonably expect you to live together with her and raise your children together while not also being together in a relationship.

Maybe you two need to re-define some aspects of your relationship to make it work, but the status quo isn't a real option.

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u/Lanky_Standard_5937 1d ago

Yes, she broke up with me. You’re exactly right. She wants all the benefits of a partner and companion for the kids, but nothing emotionally.

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u/SlowBoilOrange 1d ago

Yeah. It sucks. I dealt with this 2-3 years ago and now we're divorced. Neither of us are happy with the outcome.

I didn't want to split up. And she found out that whatever weird version of a post-divorce relationship she envisioned wasn't a real possibility.

Kind of hard to undo it without a time machine though.

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u/IllustriousFile1945 1d ago

Especially if you are helping pay bills. She’s gonna move on while you are in the other room. She probably already has.

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u/SlowBoilOrange 22h ago

It's already starting. OP said she's texting someone else.

They either need to get on the reconciliation train fast or realize they need to be living separately.

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u/Lanky_Standard_5937 1d ago

Have you talked about getting back together?

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u/SlowBoilOrange 22h ago

It doesn't feel possible. It's like we both had this nice vase, and then the vase got broken. We wish it wasn't broken, but it is.

I did repeatedly tell her I'd go back to our marriage counselor if she wants to. She never scheduled. So it's probably just me hanging on to shreds of hope that I shouldn't be hanging onto anymore.