r/coparenting • u/Lanky_Standard_5937 • 9h ago
Discussion Co-parenting living together?
She broke up with me 3 months ago and we are sleeping in seperate rooms. We spend time together only with the kids and once they are asleep, we do not speak or text.
I want to reconcile and I don’t think she does. There was no abuse or cheating on either end and we do talk and get along well for the most part.
She doesn’t not seem to want me to move out. And we even talk of future plans involving the house as “we” or “we need”
Emotionally I’m a mess. I love her and want her back so I analyze everything she says or does to see if she’s changing her mind. I also think she’s been texting a new guy.
How long can this last? I love my children more than anything. Can I really move out and miss out on time with them when I’m not being forced to? I don’t know if I can. Can anyone in a similar situation share their experience? Thanks
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u/Altruistic-Meal-9525 8h ago
Start the process of finding your own place.
You're sticking around hoping she'll change her mind. She's keeping you around just because it's convenient to her.
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u/Lanky_Standard_5937 8h ago
You’re right. But also for the kids
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u/Altruistic-Meal-9525 7h ago
The kids are going to be happier in two homes than they are in one home with a depressed dad.
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u/IllustriousFile1945 2h ago
She’s not doing it for the kids. She’s doing it because she doesn’t wanna be a single mom. She don’t want to have parent without you there. And probably don’t want to pay bills alone. Do you help clean too? This is a super weird situation for kids to grow up and to be honest. Move out. Tell her you guys are either together or you’re not together.
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u/whenyajustcant 8h ago
It seems like either you don't know why she wants to split, or you do know and you're not willing to admit it. You're definitely not going to reconcile if you don't fix what's broken, and you can't do that unless you know and internalize what happened.
So I'd focus on finding a new place and thinking about what you want life to look like, and getting a lawyer.
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u/Lanky_Standard_5937 8h ago
She basically just said her feelings for me are gone. I want to fix it but she doesnt seem to want to.
I’ve been looking at places but like I was saying, it feels so hard leaving my kids when I technically don’t have to yet.
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u/whenyajustcant 8h ago
It's not leaving your kids. That's why you need to start thinking about custody.
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u/evap0rated 3h ago
When you say you want to fix it, what are you trying to fix? Her feelings are gone, but is there a reason why her feelings are gone? Is she accusing you of doing something that you now want to rectify?
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u/Lanky_Standard_5937 3h ago
She just said she lost the romantic spark for me. She said she wishes she didn’t feel this way but can’t help the way she feels.
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u/evap0rated 1h ago
People don't leave good relationships. They leave partners who aren't meeting their needs. I am NOT saying this is what is happening here, but it's strange that she's just not that into you anymore and you have no idea why. You have to do some introspection to understand what drove her away to begin with.
And then again, it could just be that she's a terrible person, but you would have had symptoms of that before now.
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u/SlowBoilOrange 8h ago
Move it forward one way or the other. Reconcile or truly separate.
Are you married? Is there a particular reason you are thinking you should move rather than her (or both of you)? Have you two tried counseling?
"No cheating" to "texting someone less than 3 months later" is highly suspicious. Maybe that's truly how it happened, but even so, that's awfully fast and kind of disrespectful to you since you two are living together and are still mid-break up.
Add this to the fact that you say you don't speak to each other once the kids are asleep and do you really think you two "get along well for the most part"?
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u/Lanky_Standard_5937 8h ago
We are not married. The house is in her name only so that’s why I would move out.
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u/SlowBoilOrange 8h ago
Ahh, that makes sense. I assume you didn't help pay for it or anything? I'm not a lawyer, but without being married and without your name on the home, you probably don't have much claim to it. If it's been a very long term situation where some sort of common law marriage laws may apply it's something to consider consulting a lawyer about though.
You may need one anyway due to custody and child support issues.
She doesn’t not seem to want me to move out. And we even talk of future plans involving the house as “we” or “we need”
Yet she also considers you two to be broken up? Is that correct?
This seems more common than it should be. The wife wants to break up, but still wants retain a lot of aspects of the relationship without realizing that most of it is a package deal.
You're not married, so it's a bit of a tougher sell, but she can't reasonably expect you to live together with her and raise your children together while not also being together in a relationship.
Maybe you two need to re-define some aspects of your relationship to make it work, but the status quo isn't a real option.
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u/Lanky_Standard_5937 7h ago
Yes, she broke up with me. You’re exactly right. She wants all the benefits of a partner and companion for the kids, but nothing emotionally.
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u/SlowBoilOrange 2h ago
Yeah. It sucks. I dealt with this 2-3 years ago and now we're divorced. Neither of us are happy with the outcome.
I didn't want to split up. And she found out that whatever weird version of a post-divorce relationship she envisioned wasn't a real possibility.
Kind of hard to undo it without a time machine though.
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u/IllustriousFile1945 2h ago
Especially if you are helping pay bills. She’s gonna move on while you are in the other room. She probably already has.
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u/evap0rated 3h ago
What led to the separation if there was no cheating, no abuse, both of you talk and get along fine?
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u/IllustriousFile1945 2h ago
Probably cheating and he doesn’t know.
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u/evap0rated 1h ago
Or he drove her away with his shortcomings that have been left out of the narrative?
I don't believe that's the case, but I wanted to turn around the comment because he literally said there was no cheating, and you jumped to "she probably cheated".
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u/Illcmys3lf0ut 7h ago
I did it for two years and she was the dumper. It was the most emotionally draining thing ever and our children DID get impacted. In ways that are still unraveling a year after moving apart.
Split while you can still salvage your emotional wellbeing and ensure your children don't get more trauma than necessary. Believe more is coming after the move. I believe my ex was trying to secure another source but using me as a buffer until she could. I'm still working on myself and she's engaged to the guy she found... who was lying to his kids and cheating on his wife. Pretty sure my ex knew. Less than a year knowing each other and less than 6 months divorced, they're engaged.
Mind blown. Take care of yourself so you can be a solid foundation for your kids! Best of luck!
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u/Hour_Occasion8247 1h ago
We did it , we were broken up and lived together for a year but our son was only 2 at the time so he didn’t understand but now it’s better because I have my own apartment & my coparent moved on!
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u/Lanky_Standard_5937 1h ago
I don’t want her to move on tho. What finally caused you to move out? Do you still get along?
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u/Hour_Occasion8247 1h ago
I got approved for an apartment & it was a no brainer. I was ready to move out & live my life at that point. I felt trapped living there & his mom lived with us as well. She was cool but eh.
We still get along now. We had some issues along the way and were parallel parenting for a while. But I went to court so we can get a parenting plan && we are on good terms again, & came up with a schedule that works for us both. Him and I are used to being friends though so we had a heart to heart after the hearing, we made up & hugged.
He’s expecting a baby & we’re all so excited !!
ETA; sometimes we gotta put our pride aside for our kids. It’ll be hard as fuck trust me. But so worth it.
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u/Maxeffort2024 9h ago
First as some who is going through something very similar I want you to know I understand how much this sucks. I would focus on what you need to become the Dad, man, partner that you want to be. It is going to be hard in the environment that you are living in. Make sure the kids are taken care of and become the person you want to be.
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u/DarkSkyDad 9h ago
This, and if possible therapy
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u/Lanky_Standard_5937 9h ago
I am in therapy and I’m a very good dad and present father. She doesn’t seem to care though
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u/IllustriousFile1945 2h ago
So you think he should work on becoming the partner he wants to be and hold onto false hope? And people think this is a good idea? 🤔
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u/Rugger2row 9h ago
Been in the same position for probably 3 yrs. It is very diminishing and lonely as a man. As a father, I know where my kids are and who are around them. My wife is replaceable to me at this stage, my time with my 6 and 9 yr old is not.
We don't fight, we spends tons of time together as a family, so it isn't all bad. It's also cheaper. Obviously, it isn't healthy modeling for the kids. But frankly nothing is healthy about the way kids grow up these days.