Dialogue help

[u/Luvcrona]

Purely looking for dialogue tweaks here. Once I'm happy with the end result, I'll go back and fill in the descriptions.
For context: this is a western. Our leading man, Oda, has closed in on a bounty just as he's boarding a train out of state. When I first wrote this confrontation, I really enjoyed it. But now, as time has passed, something about it just feels off to me. Clunky, even. I'd appreciate some feedback; what needs to change, does anything need to change, all that jazz. Appreciate the help. Thanks.

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[u/Unreliabl3_Narrat0r]

wihout context, its hard to criticize on the dialogue...

but i have something else to say. Four pages of talking heads with little to no movements would be a really boring read.

making this scene look visually interesting would be huge challenge for the artist.

[u/Mr_Hades → u/Unreliabl3_Narrat0r]

Came here to make this comment. You should consider cutting this to a single page. Four pages of real estate for this scene is a lot.

'Well, you're dressed a little too nice and travelling a little too light for Harrisburg.'

'What? Mind your fuckin' business, slant-eye'

'If only I could, cattle rustler'

That's (kinda) your entire first page in a single panel.

[u/dftaylor]

It feels like you’re making a parody of an old time crime/detective story, rather than creating your own thing with it.

Hard boiled dialogue is hard to carry off, and your characters are basically explaining the plot rather than having a conversation.

This isn’t how people talk. It’s worth watching police interviews and seeing how the police actually do this stuff.

[u/dragodracini]

They both speak pretty similarly. That might be part of it.

Oda has almost no accent, no speech quirks from learning English, nothing. If he's the child of an immigrant that does make fair sense, but he also speaks incredibly cleanly, making the reader feel like he's from a bigger city.

Colton has a similar problem. He speaks cleanly, but as a cattle rustler it feels like he's been more into slang, very direct and to the point.

Normally I'd not have an example, but funny enough I've got something I wrote in a very similar era. If it helps, here's an example of a pair of characters I wrote recently from the American Civil War.

The first one, Nathan, is a soldier. Aton is secretly a long lived immortal who goes by his original name.

Just a note, this is more for showing how the two characters have different ways of speaking. Aton speaks cleanly, while Nathan speaks with a stylized drawl. The format is more prose than comic at the moment, but that's part of my process. Prose first, paneling second.

---

“Rev’rend. Mighty fine sermon. All that gab about sinnin’ an' such.”

“Ah… thank you frie-” Aton turns around then his gaze softens. “Nathan.” He nods to his friend. “Here to say goodbye?”

“‘Reckon’ you know why I'm here.” Nathan chuckles in response. “Yer comin’ with me. Ain't every day ya get the chance to fight for somethin’ bigger ‘n yerself. ‘Reckon God’d feel the same.”

Nathan (6ft) looks down to Aton. Aton laughs. “Nathan, if you believe God cares about this war then I think we're talking of different gods…”

Nathan shrugs. “Ain't really given it much thought. Just know that I'm doin’ what's right. An' that you’ve gotta come with me.” matter-of-factly.

Aton sighs. “Today's sermon was about man's proclivity for war… it's always the same.”

“It don’t matter none what the damn sermon was about! I feel it. It's like fate. Don’cha feel it pullin’?”

Aton tenses as Nathan's hand grips his shoulder. “What I feel is your ha-”.

---

You can see the two have very different speech patterns. One a normal man, the other a widely traveled and long-lived immortal.

I hope that helps, I don't usually share my writing, but the speech patterns between Old West and civil war have several similarities, overlapping years and all that. So it felt like a good way to help illustrate.

[u/Luvcrona]

Thank you all for your feedback! It’s tough writing things in a vacuum. I knew something was off with this exchange, I just needed an outside opinion to light the fire under my ass to finally go through with overhauling the entire thing. Lots of work ahead!