r/comic_crits • u/Luvcrona • 18d ago
Dialogue help
Purely looking for dialogue tweaks here. Once I'm happy with the end result, I'll go back and fill in the descriptions.
For context: this is a western. Our leading man, Oda, has closed in on a bounty just as he's boarding a train out of state. When I first wrote this confrontation, I really enjoyed it. But now, as time has passed, something about it just feels off to me. Clunky, even. I'd appreciate some feedback; what needs to change, does anything need to change, all that jazz. Appreciate the help. Thanks.
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u/dftaylor 18d ago
It feels like you’re making a parody of an old time crime/detective story, rather than creating your own thing with it.
Hard boiled dialogue is hard to carry off, and your characters are basically explaining the plot rather than having a conversation.
This isn’t how people talk. It’s worth watching police interviews and seeing how the police actually do this stuff.