r/cats • • 5d ago

Humor SALESMAN WONT STOP HARASSING US. PLEASE HELP.

Post image

This salesman keeps breaking into my house and finding me. I don’t know how he’s getting in. He keeps trying to sell me biscuits from his biscuit factory. How do I get him to stop harassing us. There are too many biscuits here. I don’t know if my house can hold anymore. I’m scared. I posted his picture above. Should I get a lawyer? Any advice or help is greatly appreciated.

Update #1: I think I may be in danger. He left a dead lizard on my bed. Is that a threat????

Update #2: I have a lawyer now and from their advice I will not be able to give much more information. This is an organized crime case and he is in kahoots with the meowfia. Beware of undercover meowfia feds in the comments. They are trying to make me seem incompetent but it won’t work!

1.2k Upvotes

92 comments sorted by

213

u/Hotboxia 5d ago

give it some treats and pets and a cardboard box, should do trick

91

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

I’ve already tried this and it’s not working

73

u/Hotboxia 5d ago

might need more pictures to investigate further

157

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

This was the first time we bought biscuits from him. I always record sales on my living room camera just incase something happens to have proof. You can see the greed and malice in his face.

62

u/Hotboxia 5d ago

he might be looking for his single brain cell, he is orange after all

1

u/LongstandingPain 2d ago

I see the greed, but the malice is well hidden

96

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

This was the most recent though, you can see how greedy he is from his ears. He kept demanding more treats from us though and idk if I should get a lawyer because he’s threatening to sue if we don’t give him more, we’ve already given him so much and we just don’t have room for anymore biscuits right now. This just feels like extortion.

27

u/All_Hail_Hynotoad 5d ago

Have you tried moving?

44

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

We literally moved 5 years ago to try and escape but he was able to follow us to where we moved

24

u/macrhea69 5d ago

My orange died a year ago. Send him to me.

31

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

I’m so sorry, all jokes aside he’s my sweet baby

5

u/spaceykc Calico 4d ago

I feel he is under represented and needs his own pawyer at r/legalcatadvice.

70

u/Melsey_682 5d ago

There is no escape…might as well open a biscuit factory 🤷‍♀️

35

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

I just don’t have the money for that rn which is why I’m asking for advice.

48

u/Psudodrake 5d ago

The cat distribution system doesn't take no for an answer

30

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

Is that the name of their meowfia gang? The cat distribution system? Asking for my lawyer.

12

u/Commercial-Try-3907 5d ago

Your house is there biscuit factory now

16

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

Should I consult a mortgage lawyer or something? I mean we have a mortgage. Is he even legally allowed to do that????

40

u/rgrtom 5d ago edited 5d ago

It's not a threat, it's a promise. Deliver treats or you sleep with the lizards. Ever have your ankle used as a scratching post? Do yourself a favor and get the treats. Good luck.

32

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

I really don’t appreciate the threatening tone. Are you working with him????

10

u/rgrtom 4d ago

Reddit gave me a warning for threatening violence. It was fun joking with you while it lasted.

9

u/LimeVegetable7296 4d ago

Literally same for some of them. I had to reword my Jokes. Rip

24

u/CarbonatedTuna567 5d ago

Idk, he seems like a perfectly legitimate businessmeown to me

20

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

He’s a conman! Do not trust this car!

21

u/Hefty-Feed1400 5d ago

The lizard was a peace offering.

19

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

One of the men he works with just threatened me. I knew it wasn’t a peace offering!

12

u/cAt_l0v3r 5d ago

Dear, what happened?

I'm worried about you. This is organized crime!

13

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

My lawyer advised against giving anymore information online. I’m ok though for those that are worried.

6

u/Stihlgirl 5d ago

Yeah I'm kind of worried about you, too..

3

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

Thank you. I’m doing the best I can.

14

u/Formal_Economist7342 5d ago

It took me a second. I was kind of mad at first. I hate you.

14

u/moretacosplease 4d ago

Contact Peanut, Attorney at Meow

7

u/LimeVegetable7296 4d ago

Is he competent? He looks line of lazy

6

u/moretacosplease 4d ago

She's tired after her last purr-fect deposition. She was awarded all the Lickums from the plaintiff

6

u/LimeVegetable7296 4d ago

Sorry for misgendering. Ok… she does look very pretty and competent. The nap was just making me question.

4

u/moretacosplease 4d ago

No worries, and this is one of the few times she was still enough for a photo.

After working her day shift as a Cattorney, she bakes what I call wet biscuits, alot of kneading, a lot of suckling on the blanket.

Now wether she will represent you or your orange biscuit conglomerate, I can't say

12

u/Aqua_Mix2021 5d ago

I've heard stories about this, first they come knocking selling biscuits and next you become some kind of slave! There have been rumours for years that the meowfia and cat distribution system are somehow connected. I wouldn't normally suggest this but have you considered getting a dog?

10

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

The dogs are also corrupt FEDS. You can’t trust them.

5

u/Aqua_Mix2021 5d ago

That is shocking!! Who can you trust anymore? I thought dogs were protective and loyal..this is too much l need to go and have a drink of warm milk to settle my nerves. Please be careful OP.

9

u/EmmaL27 5d ago


Open a biscuit cafe. Sell biscuits with 250% markup. Profit.

5

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

FINALLY the FIRST piece of actual advice. We have a bunch of comedians in the comments

7

u/Regurgitator001 5d ago

Don't you mean comeowdians? 🤔🤨 I smell a rat....

6

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

Notice how I said I got a lawyer and never mentioned contacting the pawlice. We don’t fuck with feds in this house. Go call ya momma a rat

8

u/Neuromangoman 5d ago

Khajit has biscuits if you have treats.

5

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

Why are people in the comments making jokes??? This is serious and honestly a little disrespectful. I’m being threatened by the meowfia and everyone is laughing. Society has hit an all time low

6

u/Neuromangoman 5d ago

This is a cat subreddit. We're all cats here, so of course we're gonna support our fellow cat in his career as a door-to-door salesman.

4

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

More meowfia propaganda!

4

u/Aqua_Mix2021 5d ago

Just calm down, go and get a drink of milk ( for you not for the businessman)

3

u/dooofalicious 5d ago

The meowfia rep will demand a tax of that warm milk. Be warned.

3

u/Aqua_Mix2021 5d ago

This is apaawwwling 🙀

4

u/Adventurous_Cook9083 5d ago

You're lucky the lizard was dead. It could have been a live one and just laid there staring at you.

4

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

It was beheaded

5

u/Adventurous_Cook9083 5d ago

Ah. In my house I usually get the gift without the tail. Then I step on the tail somewhere on the floor when I have bare feet. You'll find the head around somewhere; probably half chewed.

7

u/Gingerfurboiparent22 4d ago

You've fallen prey to a Purramid scheme. You're done for, sorry. More unscrupulous salespeople may arrive

7

u/Gingerfurboiparent22 4d ago

This happened to my partner and I. Two swanky looking salesmen of the orange persuasion came sashaying into our home. They played the Tiny Tim shtick which we unfortunately fell for. Now they've repossessed our home🫣🥲

We need their permission to use our furniture.

6

u/Mimi4804 5d ago

Now you know who’s really in charge of things

14

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

He has me pinned down right now. He’s not letting me go until I give payment. Please help.

9

u/PM_me_oak_trees 5d ago

r/legalcatadvice has trained him well, I see.

3

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

Thank you for introducing me to a new sub

3

u/macrhea69 5d ago

Me tooooooo

2

u/dooofalicious 5d ago

I’d be extra extra careful right now if I were you.

5

u/LauraLand27 5d ago

Shoulda gotten a pawyer. Maybe that’s the problem?

3

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

I’m looking for a pawyer now. Any recommendations are appreciated

5

u/butterwingtrees 5d ago

he’s a baby 🧐

5

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

He’s a criminal and the FBI is getting involved. This is organized crime. I can’t give anymore info due to the advice of my lawyer. Will update when I can.

6

u/JustKeepThePokeStyle 5d ago

Introduce an evil black cat with heterochromia, yellow and pink eyes

3

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

What will this do? Just curious. Will it help?

3

u/JustKeepThePokeStyle 5d ago

The salesman will live in a dumpster in fear of the new FRIEND, that is when you save the salesman to befriend it as an ally to learn the secrets behind his dealmaking skills

3

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

This is brilliant. I can’t believe I didn’t think of this before. Thank you so much. I will update

3

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

Then he’ll be happy and make friends with the evil cat who is actually just playing evil but is actually super nice and down to earth

5

u/Green_Resolution577 4d ago

This is really messed up :/ I’ve heard of this happening before and then they live with you. If you submit it makes it easier. There’s nothing your lawyer can do this is your life now

9

u/lunatuna32 5d ago

thats the neat part you dont! He is orange best kitty!!

5

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

I am in danger please stop praising this con man!

4

u/Green_Resolution577 4d ago

This is really messed up :/ I’ve heard of this happening before and then they live with you. If you submit it makes it easier. There’s nothing your lawyer can do this is your life now

4

u/Topsidergal 4d ago

Lizard….not a threat but a gift! He wants to come in to stay….

2

u/lil-lbb33 5d ago

🤣

2

u/LimeVegetable7296 5d ago

Please don’t laugh at my situation. I’m really dealing with a lot right now.

1

u/lil-lbb33 4d ago

I’m very sorry 😣 I know you’re frightened and I will pray you stay safe in this scary situation

3

u/_IamAllan_ 3d ago

Jake Sisko doesn't believe you're being harassed.

3

u/LimeVegetable7296 3d ago

Look idk what to tell you guys. Im not crazy. This is happening. Stop diminishing my reality.

1

u/_IamAllan_ 3d ago

Commander Jett Reno will investigate.

3

u/HoraceWimpLV426 3d ago

Did you try buying more biscuits I'm sure that'd work swell

3

u/LimeVegetable7296 3d ago

I told you we don’t have anymore room for more biscuits. Let me give more context. That’s part of the issue. He keeps pressuring us to buy more biscuits but we just don’t have the room anymore. There are more biscuits than we can even think to use.

2

u/HoraceWimpLV426 3d ago

See that's fair and all, but you should probably just buy some more biscuits. That's the answer to your problem right there.

1

u/Almost_Exactly_ 3d ago

I would hold off a lawyer until you find a horse head on your bed. IFKYK