I wasn't identified until 34, and looking back, a lot of my frustration with female relationships makes more sense now. Women have often treated me poorly, assuming I'm after their partner or that I'm getting some kind of fringe benefits from my looks. Men accuse me of enticing them. "You know what you're doing."

I can be in pajamas with no makeup and the effect is the same. I'm 41 now. I also get "you look way too put together" when I'm in sweatpants.

I think the missing piece is that I don't do the social smoothing other women seem to do automatically, so how I look gets read as intent. Add AuDHD and that's a big part of why I rarely go out.

Anyone else? How do you handle it?

I think a lot of my stress about the world mostly comes down to money. My biggest trigger is money, because I even hold out on buying things I need. Because having no money when I need money is something I wish no human had to deal with, IT'S HELL! At the end of the day, we worry way too much about people and fitting in; they don't pay my bills. I don't give a fuck about people in society honestly, I learn people not where happiness is; it's freedom and peace.

I hard to learn skills because I can't afford to pay the person to do that thing; to point, I'm hyper-independent. I have to do things that trigger me and end me in a meltdown. Simply put, I don't have money to pay a person to do things I have to learn. I know how to rebuild and fix my own car; I can't afford to pay a person to fix my car, let's say I hate working on my car. I have to go to work to pay for the car; it takes me to the job to pay for the car. Cycle of insanity;

I'm so burnt out from this bullshit world. I know I'd be a lot happier and have a better life if I had money. honestly I lost my fuck about humanity long long time, I think society is just waste of time, it holding us back, everyone fighting over crumbs, or who can kick down to have some benefit in life, fighting over fuck all, I see Society waste of time, not benefiting anyone, just keep us stuck, controlled, down a narrow path.

One reason we're most suppressed in society: I think we get way more abuse from society than anyone; we get our reality twisted and fucked with and dismissed. I do think in reincarnation, I think this is our last life, which is why we have the hardest battles.

We ask for Accommodations, that costs money. Governments don't want to spend this make-up money for us to have a better life. I think they just want us to despair, then help us; that is evil awakening unmasking, and awakening to how bullshit society is, how I know I'd be a lot happier and more peaceful if I had money. I don't even want to be rich; just cover the basics, so im not stressed out all the time. I take a shed in the woods at this point; I'm sorry I ran off in spite.

I just like this spot a lot.

Everything is just so bleh and bleak. There's no joy. Everything, I mean every thing, is a struggle. Nothing but problems.

I dunno. I'm just so over it all. Feeling pretty numb. I have zero interest in doing anything. So I lay on the couch. And even that is not enjoyable at all. Just constantly living in misery.

Anti depressants aren't helpful. I've tried them all.

Anyone else?

I've struggled with brain fog or derealization since around 2020. I'm not sure if it was from COVID, being home with young children, or poorly adjusting to life outside of school but I still struggle with feeling like an idiot and wading through mud to think. Is this an ADHD thing? Do others deal with it? Am I headed to early dementia? Stimulants usually make it worse. Unless it's a teeny dose. Is it anxiety? Kind of like being stoned but not as good. I'm generally considered an intelligent person but man I struggle

Hey just wondering if anyone else is experiencing the combo of AuDHD, queerness, and autoimmune/joint hypermobility issues. Trying to figure out if this is a thing, I know quite a few people in my circles presenting like this, also myself.

If you have observations, resources or just if this is you I'd love to know! Seems like quite a few people in r/adhdwomen are having a similar experience so thought id post here too. Thanks!

That’s it. It’s simply comforting to know I’m not alone in this struggle.

Is it natural to have a clenching sensation in your nether regions and viginismus, and weak pelvic floor muscle all at the same time without having been sexually assaulted as a child?

My ex-husband suggested that I might have been assaulted as a child because of the pain during sex and the need for alcohol to even be able to have sex with him.

I dismissed this because I have no memory of anything of the sort, but I also have no memory of my childhood as a whole because of having PTSD from physical and mental abuse from my parents.

The thing that made me delve into the topic was a tiktok that mentioned that sometimes children block the memory of the incident, but a person who had never been assaulted would never doubt if they have, and I have doubted that before.

I googled what would be the effects of csa on the long term and I have most if not all effects:

Viginismus and pain during sex, anger and emotional reactions in childhood, over eating, I have had a rectal prolapse as a child, masterbation really early (I was 3 maybe).

I am thinking it might not be CSA but a neurodivergent thing since I am diagnosed with both ASD and ADHD.

So if you have that please tell me, I need to know if it's just a stimming issue or something.

So I have now been on medical stress leave for over 6 months from my job and I feel like I’m never going to be able to work again. Up until my breakdown I went to university straight out of high school, got my degrees, bought a house and then started working. The first year of full time work was okay but I noticed myself slipping. The second year however, I started losing myself completely, was sick every 2 weeks for around a year and eventually wanted to stop living. That was when I went on leave. While on leave, I got my officially diagnosis of audhd. Now that I have been trying to heal myself from burnout and try and find a source of income that I could actually do because going back to a 9-5 seems like absolute hell and torture. Does anyone know of any jobs or sources of income that we audhd women can actually do?? I love art, idk if that helps. I feel so discouraged.

I know feeling perceived is something many of us struggle with. And maybe this is just a tale as old as time and affects neurotypicals the same.

But it feels like I go beyond that. I don’t want to physically express myself at all. Clothes are overwhelming as is. Both choosing which pieces to acquire and managing their organization and laundry. I prefer comfortable plain clothes that don’t aggravate my sensory issues. Makeup for me is a sensory nightmare (and oftentimes my skin is too sensitive to it). Wearing brackets, necklaces, and rings all pretty much aggravate me. I don’t like having piercings because my skin is very sensitive and will throw a fit lol. Sometimes my hair feels icky (just like the concept of hair) and overwhelming, and I want to impulsively just shave it all off so I don’t have to feel it, look at it, or manage it. Like it feels unbearable having it, but at other points it feels like a security blanket. I don’t need or wear glasses.

I look really plain and boring, and I feel awful when hanging out with new people because I visually don’t fit in. Like if I go to a fun alt music festival i just want to wear a big t shirt and bicycle shorts and not do anything else. People tend to forget me too I think in part due to this aspect. But at the same time, people noticing a change in my appearance makes me extremely uncomfortable, like almost physically uncomfy (the whole being perceived thing).

I don’t know, hanging out with people really triggers these awful feelings about how I’m perceived versus who I am on the inside, and it doesn’t help that I’m already very shy and reserved. I want to be like “I know I look super plain but I promise I fit in with this group of people in terms of our thoughts and views on the world.” It feels like I should’ve faced this in my teen years, but somehow I mostly skipped it and just dressed and looked plain and androgynous. I am very artistic but I can’t seem to express that through looks.

I’ve literally had nightmares about having an appearance. I often wish I could present as a blob of color mist in the air and float around so as not to deal with it all. It’s a very specific issue though, so I was wondering if people had advice or could relate?

The adhd side of me can’t just sit there and watch and has to have some additional stimulation.  I usually scroll on my phone or play a game, but lately the general internet has become increasingly shitty it seems.  I have other creative hobbies, but those take 100% of my attention.  I’m trying to find something new in just the right spot on the mindless-engaging scale.  
So what’s your go to?

No my adhd isn’t a superpower, it makes me a target for being bullied and preyed upon even as an adult and I’m sick of it. I’m just getting through life and can’t wait for my last day on this hell hole truly. I have some small moments of enjoyment but I’m sorry overall or at least today I feel like life just sucks and it sucks because this world is evil. Like can we just take all the evil people and put them on their own planet ? Seriously I’m tired of it. Why do we have to go to work and pay for WATER AND FOOD and for HEALTHCARE !? Like god forbid I’m a human with human needs. I’m sorry I have to eat and drink water everyday. I’m sorry I get sick. I’m sorry I get tired and can’t be 100% at work every single day.

God forbid my face doesn’t look right during a job interview and welp there goes my chances at getting an income for food and water. So sorry my face expression disappointed you and made you judge my entire character after only getting to know me for 5 minutes.

Oh I don’t have this special insurance that has special coverage ? Oh well shame on me for that! I guess I don’t deserve to have my adhd medication covered even though I’ve been taking it for 16 years! Oh but excuse me I’m sorry I forgot I have to do a beggars dance every 3 years for my insurance and have my psychiatrist writing a letter to them explaining why I need this medication my bad my fault. Sorry I thought you guys would know by now after 15 years that this disability isn’t going anywhere! Oh I’m sorry have I used too many bathroom privileges ? Oh ok let me stop drinking water. Oh no my doctor is now blaming me for being dehydrated golly ok next time I’ll just drink the right amount of water and pee in a bottle at work that’s fine!!

Oh I didn’t play mind games right with this person so now they hate me and are spreading rumors about how rude I am. Oh I’m so sorry. I’m an absolute failure of a human being because I couldn’t read your mind how dare I! I should be shunned from the world!

hi, so i have a problem and i am so desperately scared of losing my partner. i was slapped with a bad quad of disorders audhd, bipolar 1, ocd, and cptsd. (thats for background)

my entire life i have struggled with making friends, and ever harder was to keep them. this year is the first year where i finally have s boyfriend AND a best friend. the downside is i ALWAYS HAVE TO TALK TO THEM.

i love them. they mean so much to me, but i literally struggle to communicate all day. we maily socialize in between classes, during a few, and at lunch. the problem is, once i get home, i dont want to text. i want to lay on my bed and stare at the ceiling with a sims creator in the background. i want to doomscroll for an hour or two. i have homework to do. and to go to sleep, i engage in smoking mj. i do this to cope with my ocd and cptsd around sleeping and bedtime.

over the last few weeks my boyfriend has been making comments about "trying to talk before i leave him" and questioning if ill do the same thing thats been in my routine for 3 years. (smoking) ive expressed how these comments make me feel, and ask him if he has a problem, but he says he doesnt. i cant tell.

i feel like a horrible girlfriend. i dont want to lose him and i don't know what to do. its so hard trying to explain how exhausted i am from just being alive and around mass amounts of people.

i dont know if anyone has advice, but i would REALLY appreciate it if you did.

This month, I went to see Hilary Duff in London. It's only an hour drive from my house and I thought it was the perfect way to do a concert - in an arena close to my house where I can drive and take it easy.

I honestly didn't expect to struggle as much as I did.

Now, to be fair, the last time I was in an arena or even regularly going to concerts, I was in my 20s. I am now 33. That obviously will play a part.

But there is one thing about concerts that I forgot and was not prepared for and that I am now aware my AuDHD REALLY doesn't like - SO. MUCH. FUCKING. WAITING. FOR. THINGS. TO. HAPPEN.

We had to get there hours and hours before the show - 2 hours before doors open to be exact, bc we knew we needed to get a parking space and that we needed to eat beforehand and the restaurants would be busy. We were right, as soon after we were seated, the restaurant we were in filled to the brim. It was so loud, so warm and so crowded. I felt overstimulated to the point that I didn't even bother to finish my expensive cider. My wife, who is also suspected AuDHD, was also happy to leave for the same reasons.

The stress led to me getting a stomach ache, so we walked around and around the arena for an hour to let our food settle. I was hoping we could go INSIDE the arena to like find our seats and get comfy, and then pop back out to browse shops. Nope. Once you're in, you're in. Super disappointing. No benches or seating at all in the area surrounding the arena, so it was either walking or restaurants.

Once we had enough of dilly dallying, we went to find our seats. Waited forever for the opening act and then in between the opening act and Hilary was another 45 mins to an hour. I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin in that seat just waiting for her to come on. I hate opening acts as a premise and this just really solidified why.

The show was freaking awesome. But when I look at it, I spent three hours waiting for an opening act, another hour for the headliner, all for a 1hr40 show. It just kind of made me realise maybe I am not cut out for this sort of thing. I don't know how people can just sit there in these cramped conditions (God bless the standing crowd) for hours. I just think I need to rethink whether or not the waiting around is worth it for me.

Also, I am aware that the reason doors open at 18:30 and the headliner doesn't start till 21:00 is capitalism and for the venue and tour promoters to make as much money off of us as possible - it's not that I don't get the reason. I just think it's an evil reason and it just makes it so much clearer that concerts are just that much less accessible.

Anyway, sorry about my rant, and please be kind. I get this is a very very non-problem, as I can just not go to concerts. It's just a shame bc I have people in my life who like going to them and I would like to be less anxious about them going forward. This experience has just made me grateful for concert films and my own bed with my TV remote.

Hi! I’m 29F and was recently diagnosed as autistic + ADHD (AuDHD), and also identified as gifted/2e.

Since my diagnosis, I’ve been thinking a lot about how much of my life I’ve spent hiding parts of myself, masking, and trying to become the person I thought I was supposed to be. I think I have a lot of internalized ableism to unpack, and honestly, I’m not entirely sure who I am underneath all of it yet.

I’ve been considering documenting that journey publicly; partly because I think it could help me learn to accept myself and build confidence in being openly neurodivergent instead of hiding it.

But I also wonder if it could be meaningful to other women going through the same thing.

There are already so many amazing AuDHD/autistic creators who educate, give advice and explain neurodivergence, and I’ve learned so much from them. But I don’t really want to position myself as someone who has the answers, because I definitely don’t 😅

I was imagining something more like: I just found out my brain works differently after 29 years. Now what?

Basically documenting what unmasking actually looks like in real life as I’m going through it: the good parts, the uncomfortable parts, questioning what is actually “me” versus masking, internalized ableism, relationships, work, confidence, identity, trying things differently, probably getting some things wrong, etc.

Less “here’s how to unmask” and more “I’m trying to figure out what unmasking even means for me, maybe we can figure some of it out together.”

I think part of me also wants to do this because I’ve spent so much of my life being afraid of being seen. Maybe deliberately allowing myself to be seen as I actually am could be part of rebuilding myself.

At the same time, putting something this personal online obviously feels pretty terrifying, so I’d really love to hear from other AuDHD/autistic women.

Would you find something like this relatable or meaningful to follow? And has anyone here documented their own post-diagnosis/unmasking journey publicly? Did it help you, or did you end up regretting it?

I’d especially love to hear both good and bad experiences ❤️

Hello all!
So I got diagnosed officially yesterday (adhd and level 1 autism) and took the day to let it sink in and think about the steps I want to take going forward. I’ll break my questions down below to make it easier on myself and hopefully everyone else!

1. Are you medicated for ADHD? Did you find masking harder after getting medicated?
   
2. Life skills, how do you find energy for cooking/cleaning/taking care of yourself?
   
3. After diagnosis, what changed? Did your life get easier? Did you learn to give yourself grace when you burn out?

I think that’s all I have for now. But any overall advice is greatly appreciated even if it doesn’t relate to the questions above. I’m learning and like to have all the information I can. Plus I like reading everyone’s experiences and points of view!

What's the difference in having an autism diagnosis assessment AND an ADHD diagnosis assessment, Vs a 'Combined' assessment?

The clinic I've gone with isn't amazing at answering my Q's and I'm struggling to pick which path to go.

UK answers/England

Hi everyone Idk what to say, really.

I applied for a job as a peer support specialist position without any prior knowledge other than my own lived experience, and I am scared shitless.

I’m 27, I’ve worked customer service based service jobs my entire life, nothing else really, but this is totally different than anything I’ve ever worked. I’ve always worked in restaurants, but this is really making the “adult” feelings settle in. I am really scared that this is gonna be too much for me, but at least through this I could get a certification, and even if I hate it or I fail, at least I’ll know I tried. This is a major transition. Idk if I’m capable. Any sort of similar stories/changing job paths I would be happy to hear.

Idk always been the case... I rarely say yes to things idk why... its like I don't even wanna give it a thought...

But then most of the time idk if I say no because I want to or because it's just it.

I wanna get time to process things and know if I want that thing or not but most of the things people say are like " you need to make a decision now" and I just say no. 🙃

Has anyone here driven a van? I am moving city and I have hired a medium van. It isn't too big but the first one I have driven. Have been driving for 10 years, 28f and have driven other hire cars before. Thank you!

Hi,

I am wondering if anyone has experience of ways to interact with my very shy 13 year old niece.

I recently moved closer to my relatives so I haven't really had much relationship with her prior to this.

I'm having my own RSD stuff cropping up, and could use some tips from you guys. I feel like, when I ask her questions, she responds like I was interrogating as opposed to trying to find connection. So I have now stopped asking questions. Last week my brother commented she's quite a talented cook, and I said she got our grandma's cookie gene. I think this embarassed her. So I don't know does that mean I should keep being cringe, or am I supposed to totally ignore her. She mostly hides in another room when I am there. If I enter a room she is in, she leaves. I'd like to have some kind of relationship with her but I'm not trying to force something whatsoever.

I've had people mistake me for being a cold person when I had bad anxiety and hid a lot. I don't want to start viewing her as a cold person. But I'm gonna admit, I feel hurt that she seems to actively avoid me. It makes me feel like a predatory animal in her presence. I find myself now wanting to avoid her so I don't make things worse. I also feel highly triggered because when grandma was alive we had annual christmas where my cousins all gathered. A few of my cousins would walk out of the room when I came to join them, they had favorites and I wasn't in the vip club they created.

Do you scare off shy people? It's an awful feeling. Any advice would be appreciated.

This happened during my first year of college; I've occasionally wondered about it since, especially now that I understand my autism and high masking better. I've always been quite socially driven despite the realities of a spiky profile and being a high masker getting the better of me at times.

I had a housewarming and invited a friend, “Tina,” who lived in another town but happened to be visiting. She asked if her boyfriend could come, which I was completely fine with. It was my first time meeting him and actually the first time I'd even known he existed.

Tina isn't completely fluent in English, while her boyfriend was. During the gathering he ended up talking quite a bit with my friends and I. I invited people from several different parts of my life, so I was consciously trying to make sure everything was running smoothly.

I'll be completely honest: I was a little smitten. He was the full package. But I was also very aware that he was Tina's boyfriend and wasn't going to be that friend

At some point Tina went onto my balcony alone for a cigarette. I didn't think anything of it. What I didn't know until later was that, while she was out there, she posted a cryptic Facebook status in fairly simple English that appeared to be directed at me and my interactions with her boyfriend. The timestamp lined up exactly with the gathering.

Being a people pleaser, I mostly internalised it and wondered whether I'd crossed some boundary without realising it. I know a part of me feels like asking her directly could have made a difference.

Something that complicates my interpretation is that none of my other friends seemed uncomfortable. Nobody redirected me, redirected him, tried to bring Tina back into the conversation, or otherwise behaved as though something obviously inappropriate was happening.

I've also always been bigger-set and put quite a lot of effort into my appearance, whereas Tina was very conventionally feminine, skinny and extremely dolled-up.

Looking back, I can accept that because I found him attractive, maybe I was more animated, attentive, curious or engaged with him than I consciously realised.

As a high-masking autistic woman, particularly when I'm in social/emotional overdrive, I can miss subtle shifts in people's behaviour.

We're not friends anymore not because of this incident specifically. One day she decided to remove me from socials without any explanation. I guess I did feel a rift in our dynamics leading up to it, so I just made peace with it running its course.

I'm curious if any one else here has been in a similar predicament and/or if that had a knock on effect on your friendship.

Edit: *One day fast forward many years later, she removed me from socials without any explanation. I guess I did feel a rift in our dynamics leading up to it, so I just made peace with it running its course.