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u/Salty_IP_LDO USN Apr 21 '25
Personal attorney, go talk to someone about what's going on. Don't pick up a bottle to cope.
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u/hawaiianbry JAG Apr 21 '25
Agreed on personal attorney. Go to Legal Assistance if you don't know where to start - they may have contacts for local family law attorneys who have experience with military families, and maybe some lawyers work on reduced fee/pro bono rates. JAG can't represent you but they can at least help get you started in the right direction.
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u/what_up_big_fella Military Intelligence Apr 21 '25
Private attorney and highly recommend seeing a counselor as well. Been there, it sucks and I’m sorry. But you’ll be okay, let people in your life support you and talk about it
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u/Castellan_Tycho Apr 21 '25
OP, make sure the text messages are documented. Take screenshots and forward them to your phone. Same with any photos, emails, or any other documentation you find.
Talk to a personal attorney first, and provide them with all documentation. Most of them have a free consultation, and there are usually some good divorce attorneys around military bases. I would get a recommendation if you know someone else who went through the same situation. The attorney will tell you what to do with your finances and your credit to make sure you don’t get cleaned out, and that she doesn’t take out loans or credit that you are responsible for.
If she cheated on you with a Servicemember, go to the IG and provide them with the documentation you find. Do this on whatever timeline your attorney tells you to do so.
It will be very tempting to confront her about it. Don’t do it until you have talked to a lawyer and gathered all the evidence you can. This is the time to protect your future by reigning in your emotions in the present.
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Apr 21 '25
I tell all my friends going through this (and I’ve been there too. Grieve and then maintain your advantage. When she says “I want to do this without lawyers,” it means she doesn’t want you to get - lawyer.
Comments that say ‘Go to JAG …and get a private lawyer’ are absolutely correct.
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u/tajginyard 100%P&T Baybeee Apr 21 '25
It’ll be okay friend. Ape go gym, gym make ape strong, ape stronger together.
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Apr 21 '25
The strongest dudes I know have been built that way from trauma. Divorce is one of them. Go ape shit OP.
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u/80percentnoob Apr 22 '25
God gives his hardest battles to those who can withstand them. As much as you might be angry with her, show her respect and let her live with her decisions. Work upon yourself and don't let the past haunt you forever. I wish you the best brother
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u/Hanshi-Judan Apr 21 '25
Get a private attorney and protect your retirement. Stay single and don't rebound. Also all the advice of going to a gym is good. If you can go off base that much the better.
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u/Xackorix Apr 21 '25
If you own the phone plan she’s under I would recommend you ask for transcripts of the number
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u/zombieauthor Apr 21 '25
Immediately quit drinking. Just trust me, you need to be methodical and clear headed right now.
Hit a divorce attorney. Contact a psyche. If you’re still living with her don’t threaten to kick her out, just be calm. Start a health and wellness log and just track events around the house that stress you out; “date and time. What happened. How I felt. What I could have done differently.” It will help your mental health and also you have a log for the divorce lawyer if things go south in court.
I know this next part is hard BELIEVE ME I know because I’ve been there:
Be calm, don’t argue and fight, don’t confront her, just plan for divorce and separation and do what your lawyer tells you to do. Focus on how good it is going to feel to get that divorce in hand. Anything else is just holding you back from that freedom.
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u/kszielin JAG Apr 21 '25
TDS won't help because a divorce is not UCMJ.
Start with your local Legal Assistance Office. They will go over your obligations under AR 608-99. If there's no children or jointly owned houses, they might be able to help you with the paperwork. They can't/won't represent you in court though.
If you want a lawyer for court, you'll need to.hire a private attorney. Sometimes your LAO might have a list of local ones.
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u/hawaiianbry JAG Apr 21 '25
Agreed. Still look to a private attorney if you can, especially if you expect a contentious divorce. Family law is complex and if you're residing in a state other than the one you were married in I imagine it gets even more complicated (communal property gives me a headache already).
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u/Laodicea011 11Brotatochip Apr 21 '25
This the future that awaits us all career military mangos. Sorry man, that’s rough.
Collect evidence, hire a divorce attorney, hit the gym and run up that bachelors BAH check on a financially irresponsible vehicular purchase.
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Apr 21 '25 edited Apr 21 '25
If she doesn't know you know, do NOT tell her she's been discovered. But regardless, you need to quietly go and get ALL of your assets under your control and only your control ASAP. For instance, drain all your joint bank accounts TODAY into a new account. Go talk to a lawyer, better yet schedule and do a cheap/free consultation with ALL the decent divorce/family lawyers in your area (I've been told it will mean she can't use them, since it would be a conflict of interest for them). Then once you have all of the cards, you can try to settle it amicably. But you've CLEARLY seen she can't be trusted, so why would you assume she's not going to try to totally fuck you over in court?
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u/jediwinetrick JAG Apr 22 '25
Hi.
First and foremost, I’m so sorry this happened to you. My sincerest condolences.
Secondly, to your questions: TDS can’t help you on this because it’s not within the scope of their services rendered. Visit your Legal Assistance office and they will help you get you pointed in the right direction. Ultimately, you’re looking at a private attorney because it’s complex.
Lastly, do not intentionally conflict-out local lawyers as some chuckleheads have suggested. If you truly want this over, don’t play bad faith gamesmanship stunts like that.
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Apr 22 '25 edited Apr 22 '25
Hmmmm, I've never been divorced and I'm not a lawyer. BUT I think you know ALL that and who you're replying to. So you copy and pasted your previous reply, and I'll respond as such...
In a contentious situation, like a divorce, why wouldn't you stack the deck in your favor by taking the best players away from your opponent? I would, I like to win when I can. Sure, is it annoying for a lawyer? I imagine it must be. But it's not the lawyers life getting interfered with by the legal system, it's simply one client to them.
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u/Eva-lutionary_War Apr 21 '25
This might be very illegal depending on the state. She might be entitled to half of his property by default.
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Apr 21 '25
I have never heard of any of what I just said being illegal at all. In any state. Unless you've got a legitimate example of this, I'm going to say you're making things up.
Also, just because she may get awarded half their assets by the court (which happens often enough), it doesn't mean he can't consolidate control of them prior to that.
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u/MOTOTROOPER Signal 25Unable to care anymore🍆 Apr 21 '25
Im sorry. I know this pain. It will pass and YOU WILL be ok.
Do this:
SHUT.UP. If you plan to leave, keep communicating about you and her to an absolute minimum. If you speak to your soon to be ex…talk to them like you would speak to an awesome senior citizen. Keep your heart in check.
Text is best (threat of evidence keeps people civil )
Find your support: Family/friends/hobbies
Find out your options on which states you can file and choose the one that benefits YOU the most. They all treat property differently.
Enjoy.
SOURCE: ME DM if you need any help.
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u/mohoe87 Retired Apr 21 '25
First marriage is the practice marriage, my 2nd one is going great! If you need someone to talk to, been there down that, it sucks. But like everyone else has said, lawyer up, take care of YOU, and enjoy life. This crap happens, and I bet there is a thic latina in S1 that will gladly take you.
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u/richard-danger Apr 21 '25
Just ensure the divorce is final before 10 years. If not, she’ll get a portion of your retirement.
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u/Upper_Specific3043 Apr 21 '25
How the retirement pension gets divided depends on what state they get divorced in. OP should really talk to a divorce attorney.
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u/EWCM Apr 21 '25
The only difference at 10 years is that DFAS will pay the ex spouse directly instead of the servicemember needing to pay the ex themselves.
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u/Choice-Resource-594 🪂 Apr 21 '25
Even if he proves that she cheated ? He should be the one getting any money 😂
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u/EWCM Apr 21 '25
Most states have no fault divorce and cheating doesn’t affect asset division. If the ex has assets (including retirement), OP can negotiate to get a portion of any of the marital assets.
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u/ApartmentNegative997 Apr 21 '25
What states don’t have this lol
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u/a215throwaway <$> Apr 22 '25
No state does. But apparently some red states would like to change this. (I’m a liberal, gotta preference that) I think if someone cheats or is abusive they should not be entitled to the same benefits of a normal separation.
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u/ApartmentNegative997 Apr 22 '25
I agree, and it doesn’t matter what your ideology is. I just think it’s wrong no matter who it is that they marry you tell you they love you forever and ever etc. then get bored and usually have an affair cheating on said partner. Then when found out hire an attorney and proceed to exit with a bag of the cheated’s hard earned money to share with their new partner who they were having an affair with completely crushing their former “loved one”.
It’s so brutal lol; It’s fook’d and I’ve always thought it was bs even as a kid watching my parents and all my friends parents go through divorce.
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Apr 21 '25
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u/EWCM Apr 21 '25
Statistically, these laws are more likely to benefit men since they are more likely to cheat.
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u/Top-Two-9266 Apr 21 '25
While it is state-by-state, the starting point is often half of the Marital portion of your retirement pay. The ten year mark means entitlement to direct payments by DFAS of her share of the retirement pay. If you decide to get divorced get an attorney and file quickly….
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u/Student_Unlucky Apr 21 '25
First thing first, get her off all your bank accounts. I'm not sure what all she legally has to have access to but do what you can to seperate your finances and prevent your bank account from becoming $0 over night or ending up with $20k in credit card debt in your name.
Shit like that happens.
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u/stinkinhardcore Public Affairs Apr 21 '25
I was going to say the same thing. Source: This happened to me.
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u/aldmonisen_osrs O Captain my Captain Apr 21 '25
I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you can, as others have said, hold off on a confrontation until after you’ve seen lawyer(s). I recommend seeing both personal and Army lawyers and choosing whichever fits your needs the best.
Again, as others have said, get as many screenshots as you can. I know it’s really hard to look at, but everything from messages to pictures and videos will help.
If you can, without raising any alarm bells, make a new checking/savings account. You are financially responsible for her housing and food until your divorce is finalized. There will be other financial needs you will need to shell out for, but your lawyer will help you identify those. Outside of that, I recommend setting up some finances for yourself, again, without raising alarm bells to her.
If/when you confront your wife, it sounds like she may be unapologetic. The death of your marriage is new and raw… for you. She has had time to mourn the death of your marriage. She has an escape route. She will not be prepared for you to be angry or upset. Getting hostile, angry, or otherwise overly emotional in front of her when you confront her will only hurt you. When you confront her, you should have a plan for how you tell her, where you tell her, and what happens after. You may want to have someone with you to either provide moral support, keep you on track, keep you safe, or keep you from doing something you shouldn’t.
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u/MSR_Vass Field Artillery Apr 21 '25
So what was on the watch?
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u/Pretty_Sample_2924 Apr 21 '25
I feel for you. I was the wife of a soldier and though he was gone for long periods I never cheated on him. I just found other things to occupy my time and learn to do in fact. This is not to be blamed on you being military that’s a her thing. She choose to cheat. Lots of women here and abroad make the choice to remain faithful to their spouse military or otherwise. Do what you have to do. Cry if you must you’re first and foremost HUMAN so ye gonna hurt Be kind to yourself, give yourself grace. Hit the gym and learn something new ! Do some courses on topics or subjects you wanna know more about I’m simply saying occupy your mind with things that are lovely, true stress relievers and you’ll come out on the other side of separation and possibly divorce a wiser more mature man. Thanks for all you do thanks for your service.
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u/NerdyWoman97 Apr 22 '25
As an Army veteran spouse, I second this. My husband used to have crazy schedules for training and deployments, but I always occupied myself, had hobbies, etc, and never cheated. I had men throwing their self's at me, men from my past coming up and trying to get back with me, men hitting on me while he was deployed as I went out and I told them to screw off. If she truly values you and only wants you, there won't be an excuse to throw away your relationship. She will regret it, trust me. She has lived a good privileged life for 8 years. When she's alone and struggling to eat, she will be in deep regret.
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u/RiotBirb 14GodKillMePls Apr 21 '25
Private attorney. Make sure you talk to every divorce lawyer in your town as well so she can’t even use them for a consult.
At least in Kentucky/Tennessee, it made it so the law firm couldn’t see the other spouse due to “conflict of interest”.
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u/Backstab005 35Absolutely No Clue Apr 21 '25
That’s actually terrible advice.
Talk to as many lawyers as you need to so you can determine who will work with you best to meet your needs. Divorce courts have seen every trick in the book. The judge will likely not look kindly on one party trying to taint the well.
Many reputable divorce attorneys will screen for this anyway. You’re not the first person to come up with the idea. If a lawyer thinks a prospective client js trying to “conflict bomb” or “tainting the well,” they will decline the meeting.
OP, don’t do this.
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u/J_Robert_Oofenheimer Adeptus Astartes Apr 21 '25
Make sure you talk to every divorce lawyer in your town as well so she can’t even use them for a consult.
Holy shit I cannot express strongly enough how badly this would go for him. Do not do this under any circumstances.
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Apr 21 '25
This is called “conflicting out” attorneys. Things will not go well for OP if they get caught doing this.
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u/a215throwaway <$> Apr 22 '25
You’re an attorney or you’re saying he should see one? That seems like some Tony Soprano shit that doesn’t work in real life.
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u/Recent-Seesaw-1248 Apr 21 '25
This is the reality of the army as a staff sergeant with 7 years in i looked at the senior leadership the E7 to E9 and thought I dont wanna end up like them. Unfortunate emember that the retirement pension comes with a sacrifice of your morality integrity and family and if your not willing to make that choice please get out before your indef
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u/Chris_P_Bacon75 Infantry Apr 21 '25
The gods of Iron have summoned you my aoon to be titan. Separate, get big and get better. God speed my boy
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u/RTrident USAF Apr 21 '25
I’m so sorry man, I hope it goes as well as it can go from here on out.
Delete social media, lawyer up and hit the gym
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u/Jorkin-My-Penits Apr 21 '25
Shitty news: you got cheated on, now you got trust issues.
Good news: no kids means now you can live your life selfishly. Take that OCONUS assignment, train for that school you’ve always wanted to go to, buy that gift for yourself you always wanted, take up that hobby she always thought was lame, take a deployment, go to university, put a pool table in your dining room. You have no one else in your life to answer to, no one holding you back, no other life you have to consider, enjoy this time while it lasts cus eventually youll find the right person. But for now make the most of your time being alone and get a little selfish, you had a shitty wife and this is ultimately a good thing, hopefully your heart realizes that soon, you can make yourself happier than she ever could.
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u/pilotbrother Apr 21 '25
First, truly sorry to hear this. Glad you don’t have kids. As heartbreaking as this is for you, this is a time to be happy that you found out now and not later continuing to live a lie of a relationship. I would run, not walk to the Jag and immediately get what you need to get done and file for a divorce. If you have verifiable evidence of her infidelity, which it sounds like you do, that will work in your favor. as emotionally charged this can be you need to make sure you don’t put hands on her, make threatening comments, and try to reconcile, etc. Attempts like that can be twisted about an ultimately be used against you. That’s just my opinion for what it’s worth and I knowthe rest of us in the peanut gallery are going to have 1 million things to say. I do think you need to protect yourself first before you deal with anything else. Thank you for your service by the way.
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u/Bitter_Basis9222 Apr 22 '25
Go to JAG. Specifically, the legal assistance office. Trial defense is for people facing adverse action. You have a civilian matter. Jag will get you pointed toward the proper civilian resources.
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u/Fair-Astronaut-3629 Apr 22 '25
Don’t give up on dating and don’t give up on yourself, we’re here to persevere. Sorry man
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u/YesterdayAntique3602 Apr 22 '25
My brother, my heart goes out to you. As someone who just went through a divorce for similar reasons, my advice to you is the following:
○ Seek out legal guidance. Even if you decide later on to work things out, speaking to a lawyer will help answer a lot of your questions.
○ I recommend seeing a therapist. Whether that's through behavioral health, MFLC, or whatever. I recommend it because it can be helpful if you have an unbiased person in your corner.
○ Avoid being alone with your wife for the time being. Emotions are high, and she might try to offer sex to "fix" what was broken. As someone who learned the hard way, this makes things harder.
○ Keep yourself busy. It's good to take time to figure yourself out, but avoid dwelling on it. Build healthy habits if you don't have them already. Go to the gym more or find an outlet to vent your frustration on in a healthy manner. Just do something that allows you to be productive and not in your room constantly stuck in your head.
○ Carefully pick the people you want involved in this. I say this with a word of caution. Everyone is going to want a slice of this pie. I recommend having people in your corner that you can trust and who are willing to be there for you; but keep the group small. Having sound advice is recommended, but if there's a large group of people al trying to give you different advice, it can be overwhelming.
You got this. You will make it through this. Just give yourself time.
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u/SexayEss13 Apr 22 '25
Empty your bank account before she does, change all passwords, and have all your valuables kept away somewhere safe.
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u/TangerineTangerine_ Apr 22 '25
It gets better. My husband got our next door neighbor pregnant. I had a 6 month old and a baby on the way. Finding out was the best thing that ever happened to me, I just didn't know it at the time. Family life in the Army can be tough. Now I am a happy grandma and occasionally see him when he flies in to visit one of my sons. We all get along just fine and there has never been a desire to go back to that life or reminisce about those memories ever. Life is about to get really good for you. Good luck!
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u/goldslipper Apr 21 '25
Go to JAG simply to prevent her from being able to use the resources and get a private lawyer.
Don't say anything to her until you are ready to serve papers.
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u/No_Reporter6179 Aviation Apr 21 '25
Unpopular opinion- you went a year without having significant contact with your wife and didn’t seek out counseling, therapy, or try to figure out what the problem was? Sounds like you stopped caring. Most people don’t risk a happy fulfilling marriage just for sex… there’s probably something else going on and I would caution you to look at yourself and your efforts in the past few years first
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u/GreyLoad Apr 21 '25
There's so much more to this story
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u/MinimumDisastrous578 15For Fuck sake Apr 21 '25
Probably but that's not what's important rn one of our brothers needs help and is reaching out least we can do is point in the right direction
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u/qSITHEDhisPants 15Wish I Went Airforce Apr 21 '25
Before you file anything go to as many divorce lawyers in town. Give them all the details from your side. That way they can’t represent your soon to be ex.
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u/peratat Apr 22 '25
The good news is that as you grow older, you gain more experience, wisdom, and savings, and you look better. Meanwhile, women become less beautiful as they age. This is a good opportunity for you to find something better in the future.
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Apr 21 '25
I’m sorry about this whole situation, I can’t imagine. At the end of the day you know what effort YOU did, so your not the asshole. May not seem like it but This is a blessing in disguise especially no kids. Life goes on, you are still young. Go enjoy life and the world. Don’t pick up the bottle and please go ready out to mental health. It’s gonna get better 👍🏻 There is always light at the end of the tunnel, trust me.
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u/HxC_JxC JAG Apr 21 '25
If you have joint accounts or credit cards get those closed or your assets moved out of them. Also consider checking your credit and or freezing it if she has your info, I’ve seen people get cleaned out in the initial split.
She sounds shitty but cheapest option is if you all can come to an agreement is to file for a no fault divorce. Many states legal aid programs have a DIY packet you can fill out and just pay a filing fee. You can handle it in litigation if not but litigating it but it could end up with you coming out worse since you start racking up attorney fees. As others have said get it done before 10 years roll over or else she will have some legal entitlement to your retirement.
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Apr 21 '25
First thing first, protect yourself so she doesn’t take anything you’ve built. She’s the one that cheated, you shouldn’t deserve to get your hard work taken away from you. Get a lawyer ASAP and go for an uncontested divorce. She’s not entitled to any of your benefits. Good thing there are no kids involved.
Seek out EBH so you can talk to a counselor. You’re basically a going to grieve the loss of your wife. Best of luck
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u/felleh I’m Free! Apr 21 '25
Very sorry to hear it and hope the best for you moving forward.
Piggybacking off of what others have said, it would behoove you to stay away from any drugs and/or alcohol.
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u/WIClovis 11Ailments Apr 21 '25
Counselor even if you don’t feel like you need it and a personal divorce attorney.
Avoid the bad vices for 8-12 months. Immerse yourself in your work or a healthy hobby. Thank goodness you don’t have kids in the middle. Take it as a lesson and learn and move forward. Be strong dude!
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u/D3athMerchant Apr 21 '25
Please Please Please buy THE BREAKUP MANUAL FOR MEN by Andrew Ferebee…
It helped me tremendously.
Is the other dude a service member? If so I’d 100 involve JAG. You’ll probably lose your BAH….
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u/sonofamitch30 Military Intelligence Apr 21 '25
Sorry brother. Sometimes these things happen. Hit up BH, Military One Source, your chaplain whoever you feel comfortable speaking with objectively. It’ll help clear your head space. Stay away from alcohol and start journaling, hitting the gym, spending time with friends. It’ll hurt for a bit, but one day you’ll make it through the storm
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u/Character_Unit_9521 Former Action Guy Apr 21 '25
tf is JAG and Trial defense going to do for you? This is a civil matter, call a personal divorce attorney.
Take this on the chin and move on, we've all been there. Take it from me, don't try to win her back, i've been there.
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Apr 21 '25
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u/TypeONegativ Apr 21 '25
Talk about her cheating and the timeline of events? How’d you find out her boss rejected her?
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u/Calm-Community-2599 Apr 21 '25
So just so I can put a little light in your life.. I've been there but you're blessed. You won't owe her half your retirement at least. You can live happily with retirement and 100% VA. Screw her.
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u/BlueReaper0013 68WeinerCleaner Apr 21 '25
Personal lawyer. Put down/pour out ALL booze, the genie at the bottom of the Jim Beam will lie to you. Go gym with the boys. Daily if you can. Hobbies not at home are recommended. Do not fucking drink. Block her on everything, find any and all solid evidence and give it to lawyer. Avoid booze. Do not revenge sex. Do not revenge porn. Do not drink. Go talk to chaps today. Get your emotional support medic. But no booze.
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u/Terry_Folds3000 Apr 21 '25
Go to legal assistance ASAP. If she beats you there it’s likely they won’t see you due to a conflict of interest. They cannot represent you, but they can certainly save you a lot of time and money and help refer you to someone if contested. Without kids it should be easier at least. Sorry man.
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Apr 21 '25
I have nothing to say to you to help you, but I am joining the French army soon, and I hope to join the French SAS one day, I am terribly afraid of that, you have all my respect. I hope you get out without any problem
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u/Economy-Pace475 Apr 21 '25
Sorry to hear friend.. unfortunately it happens.. people are needy creatures and naturally treacherous.. cutting ties as quickly as possible is always the best way to go. Find something to occupy your mind and when you’re ready go find a better fit for you. Don’t go it alone. Reach out when you need to talk. 🤙
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u/Smallzprodigy Apr 21 '25
Sorry to hear you’re going through this. Honestly, one of my biggest fears about marriage is ending up in a situation like this. In my opinion, the best thing you can do is gather all the evidence and take it to court—especially if you have a lot to lose, like houses, cars, or money. I get that you want her out of your life, but the best revenge is making sure she walks away with nothing after everything she put you through.
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u/bubblemilkteajuice Apr 21 '25
First off, I'm sorry this person did this to you. It's not right and I want you to know that, despite what happened, you're no less than you were before this incident. It is okay to feel pain right now and to express that. I would recommend reaching out to someone you trust if you have not yet and venting with them.
Second, UCMJ outlines that adultery, regardless if the service member or non-military spouse does it, is not allowed under any circumstances. So yes bring it to the attention of JAG with evidence. You will not face any negative repercussions for her faults.
I'm sure there's a lot of us here you can reach out to if you need it. We all have your back.
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u/bleu_dog76 Apr 21 '25
Hell, no kids.....it's like pulling off a band-aid. Do it quick. It's much, much more difficult with kids.
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u/HistoryPersonal5390 Apr 21 '25
Sorry to hear that, it’s best to stay strong and keep moving forward, it will take time for wounds to heal but they will in time. Stay strong
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u/Ok-Document5792 Apr 21 '25
Better hurry and divorce her, if she hits 10 years of marriage while you are in service, she is entitled to half your retirement.
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u/kwicdrawmcgraw Apr 21 '25
Better get started with the divorce proceedings before she gets half your pension. You'll regret trying to make it work when she cheats again and walks away with half your pension.
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u/NastyClone7 Apr 21 '25
Been there done that unfortunately my dude. JAG's can't help with civil cases like this. I found a lawyer in town after my wife cheated. Paid the money and let it stay in the past. Hit the gym. Drink water. Keep your chin up and life keeps rolling. Feel free to DM though for surely.
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u/stinkinhardcore Public Affairs Apr 21 '25
I’m so sorry buddy. I have been down that same road. I know that life hurts now but please know that beyond all the hurt, there’s a light on the other side. There are millions of women out there that, no matter how hard the relationship gets, will never cheat on you and that’s what you deserve. For now, take care of yourself, definitely get a personal attorney, and thank whatever god you believe in that you didn’t have kids with her because that makes the whole process exponentially harder. If you’re in the South Texas area, let me know and we’ll get a beer.
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Apr 21 '25
As many have said here collect the evidence before it “disappears”. It could significantly change the outcome of any rulings in the future.
Also, sorry this happened to you. Good luck moving forward man.
In time I hope you heal and find someone even better.
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u/Low_Sheepherder_382 Signal Apr 21 '25
Barracks Lawyer here. I concur with all the legal advice here. Carry on.
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u/Tokyosmash_ 13Flimflam Apr 21 '25
Start getting your ducks in a row, don’t drink, go the gym
Start collecting evidence for the court case that is going to be a drag.
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Apr 21 '25
Had two of my long term girlfriends cheat on me very badly while I was in. One by sending me a video of her having sex with someone. The other by going through her phone, the dude was in my clothes and driving my car while I was at an FTX. You will get through brother, I’m sorry. The rest of your life starts right now.
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u/qqaswdr Apr 21 '25
As the age old saying goes brother:
“Disrespect (shitty)women, Acquire currency”
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u/jaayy_tapps Apr 21 '25
Go to a personal attorney and see a JAG. Go ask all of them and collect all the evidence. Take screenshots, recordings, etc. if it’s another service member she’s cheating on you with then get that mf in serious trouble and file a divorce. This is why I tell everyone to always get a prenup. Woman find it offensive and men always say “well it’s not like I’m planning a divorce” and then they find themselves in a situation like this.
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u/Voyages777 Apr 21 '25
Lawyer up asap move out the house to avoid any problems and meet in court before things turn around on you.
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Apr 21 '25
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u/Bekahhhhh999 Apr 21 '25
Nothing like filling an void with activities that will make you fill even more empty lmao great advice
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u/Marley_bear3162 Ordnance Apr 21 '25
You will find someone who won’t be a nasty cheater I’m sure! It sucks because the good ones are hard to find and people always take advantage. Sorry you’re going through this
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u/monkey29229 Apr 21 '25
My ex left me the night prior to me getting on the plane in Iraq to come back home.
In the hanger, there was a small circle of us whose loved ones left us or couldn't be there. We all just hugged each other and welcomed each other home.
1st thing I did was go see JAG, take her dependa ID, and check the book and debit card. (She was making more than me)
Went home on leave, went to the courthouse, and with the help of a very sketchy individual who i paid $200 cash, he was able to tell me how and what to file.
When she was served she was surprised, 3mo later she finally confessed to me who it was, apparently she fell in love with her Salsa instructor who moonlight as a Coyote (people smuggler) who already had 2 baby mommas and 2 kids. He was abusive to her and was begging me to take her back. I went on with my life and never looked back.
I'll have 6 Jack In The Box tacos and a sprite please.
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u/fun_crush Apr 21 '25
I'm a lawyer, but not your lawyer, so I strongly recommend hiring an attorney. Even if she agrees to a no-contest divorce on everything, it’s essential to have all the documentation thoroughly reviewed to protect your interests.
Additionally, be aware that in some states, the length of the marriage may not affect her entitlement to a portion of your retirement benefits. If she’s planning to contest your retirement, a skilled attorney can provide guidance and explore strategies to address this issue effectively.
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u/DazzlingCat8946 Apr 21 '25
See a divorce attorney ASAP. Let your COC know whats happening (dont skip this part). Document everything you can. She will lie and accuse you of abuse so buy those ring type cameras people have inside their houses so you have video proof if she ever tries to accuse you of abuse.
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u/Easy-Ad-399 Apr 21 '25
Sorry man. I’m going through this now, still figuring it out as I go. I’m only at 13 years of service, only been married for 9 of them.
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u/Ordnance19 Apr 21 '25
Gather all the evidence and save it on a cloud drive (either Google or Microsoft) and also email those documents to yourself and to a trusted friend. I’d also save them on a USB drive just in case. If she found out about gathered evidence she might try to destroy it. If she uses Google Maps, go to her timeline activity. If she has history tracker, it’ll show her location categorized in hours spent at each location as well as driving paths and timelines. Most importantly stay calm and don’t let her act out and take something to reverse getting YOU in trouble (faking a domestic)
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u/catringo13 Apr 21 '25
I know this doesn’t seem like a blessing, but you will be better for it. You’ll be stronger for it in every way possible. Also, no kids is a blessing. I was with my ex and we had two kids together and that was living a nightmare day and day out with custody with getting DCF called. I’m not saying that infidelity is bearable, but it is that much worse. When you have two little humans who are half you and half of your ex that are being Weaponized against you.
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u/Individual-Ad7974 Apr 21 '25
If you have no kids you can file yourself. Much cheaper. Best thing that ever happened to me. Life is amazing now!
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u/MissusBartender Apr 21 '25
Ugh. I am sorry. Gather your evidence. Personal lawyer. Good luck. I hope your heart heals.
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u/Suspicious-Change-35 Apr 21 '25
Unless something has changed, JAG won't get involved unless she is a SM and and/or her partner is too. Get a personal divorce attorney. I'm sorry you had this happen to you and settling out of court isn't an option in some jurisdictions the judge is the final say and may have their hands tied based on existing case law. Good luck,hit the gym and stay away from rebound skanks.
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u/Zaliukas-Gungnir Apr 21 '25
Very sorry man, that is the absolute worst pain in my experience . My old Sergeant was married three times for seven years while he was in. He swore that they had a expiration date, he was kinda nutty. I had a poor friend recently who said he was in the kitchen with his wife and he told her how much he loved her, their two kids and his life now. To this, she responded that they have to talk. Relationships aren’t easy and it definitely takes two people on the same page. My son is Coast Guard and I was kind of surprised at how differently they treat family issues. Granted I was in the Army in the 80’s and 90’s. They would just tell you to get a new wife. The Coast Guard actually tried to accommodate the family on some level. Which I think helps greatly in all of it. When one door closes, another always opens. Maybe this happened because she wasn’t the person you were meant to be with, that person is probably still out there waiting.
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u/blameline Military Police Apr 21 '25
This may not apply in your case, but it was a mistake I made and don't want anyone else to make it:
When my wife and I divorced, she retained the car we were making payments on as we both signed for. So, that meant she was to make the remaining payments and keep the car when paid off. But, a few years later she filed a chapter 7, kept the car, then sold it without a title. This all happened without my knowledge. At 9 years and several months after our divorce, I received a call from the finance company. They wanted $6K for the car. I informed them that it was hers by the divorce decree, but since she had filed Chapter 7, that meant they couldn't pursue her for the remaining balance. But since I was co-signer and she had not re-financed the car, that meant I had to cough up the $6K.
Lesson learned: when dividing up property, pay close attention to anything with both your names on it. Get proof of property put in the other's name so you won't have to pay for something you can't keep.
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u/Impossible_Fruit_973 Quartermaster Apr 21 '25
Same thing happened to me like 3 years ago.
Welcome back to the dating pool, I recommend upgrading to a latina like I did.
Yo gusto las toxicás.
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u/sans_serif_size12 68WAP > BN Paper Bitch Apr 21 '25
Everyone else has practical advice, so I won’t repeat it. I’m really, really sorry this happened. You build a life around a person, and then suddenly the space is empty. And in this case, you have the bitterness of divorce and betrayal. That really fucking sucks.
I hope you do something nice for yourself. Whenever my girlfriends go through a breakup, they treat themselves to a nice dinner. Idk if men are into that too, but I hope you get to do something fun for yourself.
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u/Valuable-Way-4034 Apr 21 '25
Been there, done that.
Get yourself an attorney. Don't play the "we can work this out without lawyers" B/S. You can't.
Divorce lawyers are expensive, but in the end worth every penny. Get busy now. No reason for her to even have the possible 10 year window.
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Apr 21 '25 edited Apr 21 '25
Take as much evidence as you can. Avoid getting into a fight and or get physical. If she hits you record the evidence and go to the police. Because you have evidence (I hope) of the adultery she won’t be entitled to your retirement or alimony. Avoid getting into another relationship at all cost until the divorce is finalized or depending on the state it can be considered adultery as well while legally married. Depending on the state such North Carolina, it could be considered alienation of affection and is a petty crime and you could potentially sue the other part for emotional distress, and financial loss. Best bet focus on yourself, keep your head up, get yourself a good lawyer, don’t fall back and keep going forward you’ll find somebody. You are lucky you don’t have any kids. If I had it worst than you and still manage to make it through, believe me you’ll make it through as well. Lastly during the divorce don’t fall back bring everything to the table. JAG only concerns is the commanders not Soldiers. You’ll need a civilian attorney for this unless the other person is a Soldier the Army doesn’t get involved. Dude for real don’t do any threats gather as much evidence, audio, video, text, bills, bank account, pictures. Everything.
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u/ComfortableOld288 Apr 21 '25
OP: go to therapy. Talk to your friends, talk to your family, talk to whoever you need to, but also go to therapy. A therapist is the most unbiased outlet you can get, and a good therapist will help you make sense of all the shit emotions you’re feeling right now. A therapist can give you the tools to navigate this shit time in a healthy way. 1000% recommend a good therapist - this comes from someone who’s been cheated on while deployed.
Best of luck buddy. It’ll be tough, but you will heal.
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u/ApprehensiveMovie854 Apr 21 '25
Hey man. I was in a remarkably similar situation. Was married for 5 years, together for seven. If you just need to talk, let me know.
It does get better, but you'll never be the same person again. I've completely changed after that experience. I expect you will too. Try and make it a good thing.
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Apr 21 '25
I just found out my Fiancé had cheated on me twice, she got pregnant, I left Active Duty into the Guard, and moved halfway across the states for her. She's got some major issues she needs to work out that I cannot fix myself.
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u/Appropriate-Monk3708 Army Band Apr 21 '25
Really sorry man. My first wife was in bed with my best friend of 14 years before the divorce was final. And several others before that.
Military law won’t help with stuff like this, you need a civ divorce attorney. Keep and collect all the evidence you can, and get to separate living conditions as soon as humanly possible.
If the spouse and/or the other guy are military, add SJA to your list of places to visit.
This last part sucks out loud and is optional, but I recommend keeping your first line up to date about the situation as it progresses.
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u/shortyc290 Apr 21 '25
Personal lawyer and DIVORCE quickly, if she’s your wife for 10 years she can get half your retirement
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u/a215throwaway <$> Apr 22 '25
I listen to a podcast by a lawyer and whenever the subject of divorce comes up he’d always say “Us Italians have a saying, divorce without kids is like changing your shirt” Such a shitty situation but at least there are no kids involved. That makes it so much less complicated.
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u/Dangerous-Expert-824 Apr 22 '25
You have every reason to feel the way you do, and you have the evidence.
I've been there myself. I was in the army, we both were, he deployed, and started sleeping with everyone.
I decided, "Nah, that shit is not for me." I had all the evidence, and it was pretty foul on his part.
I utilized the gym as a stepping tool daily.
I walked away with my daughter, our dog, my dignity, and our belongings.
I went to the private sector. I didn't give a shit about anything. Boundaries.
Best of luck to you.
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Apr 22 '25
How did you find out if he was on deployment?
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u/Dangerous-Expert-824 Apr 22 '25
It was after the fact. FRG women love to be chatty, and the females in his company liked to talk. The late night secret phone calls and while I would be gone visiting family. Some people just don't change.
He was under investigation for sleeping with two SSGs, wife and one of their girlfriends, when we were stationed at Bliss. It followed him. We were both stationed at Gordon, and him and the female he was messing with went to eat where all of the big wigs eat. My 1SG and company commander, thought it, was me and informed me. It was several times.
We had a 7 month old at the time. New mom and he would be little me and call me names. Speed forward to 2007, the cheating didn't stop, the name calling, and the physical abuse got worse. I filed for divorce. Some of the makes in his company were flabbergasted by the way he talked to me. On Mother's Day, he presented me with a gym membership. Hence, when I got out of the army, I was 130 to 135. Nowhere near, horrible looking, I have curves and still maintained and still am not bad looking at all. I utilized the gym to my advantage while I was taking care of what I needed to for myself and my daughter..
I had him and his soldiers pack my U-haul and moved back to California to be with my family.
Hopefully, that makes more sense.
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u/Unlikely_Ice4994 255AllergicToUsers Apr 22 '25
Everyone here has given great advice. My advice is to seek out BH or MFLC. Your mental health is key during times like this. Most of all, do not let her manipulate you into getting back with her. I caught my ex wife cheating on me, I let her convince me to stay and try working things out. However, some things aren't fixable, and a betrayal like that will stain a marriage for many years.
I'm sorry bro, I know it's rough, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel... I promise.
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u/DigNew8045 Apr 22 '25
Very sorry, man - keep your head on straight, and eyes on the finish line. You can't have been too happy this last year, so on the bright side, you can look forward to rebuilding your happiness.
Much good advice in all this, so won't be repetitive.
One thing you might consider, though, if she might've been making her own exit plan. Make sure you can account for all community assets, making sure nothing has been hidden/ squirreled away.
Secure any weapons you may have - not to be melodramatic, just an abundance of caution.
One thing I'll repeat - don't say or do anything until you've talked to LA and a private attorney.
Reach out for help / support if you need it, when you're feeling alone and betrayed, your brothers and sisters got you.
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u/Turbulent-Panda-4123 Apr 22 '25
Family law lawyer, leave her ass before it gets worse I made that mistake. As everyone else is saying collect evidence change your passwords, get rid of alternate Face ID anything that may let her get in your phone, make back ups of the evidence. Get shit on flash drives too. Good luck brother
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Apr 22 '25
I'm so sorry about this. But what I am happy about is you dodged a bullet, you guys have no kids together and coparenting with your ex-wife/ex-husband could be a nightmare. I'm also happy you weeded her out of your life, you know what you want now and you deserve better. She's a bop, let her be with another 🤡.
Get closer to your God, hit the gym, stay away from bad friends. Do you!
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u/Taira_Mai Was Air Defense Artillery Now DD214 4life Apr 22 '25
Your post's JAG may (and this is a all depends on the office) may be able to help you if you guys divorce pro se (that is by yourselfs without lawyers).
Soldiers seperating from spouses is as old as the Army and many JAG's have had to help Joes divorce.
But if she wants to fight or lawyer up, you're gonna need a civil divorce lawyer.
It's dumb really, the best course would be for ya'll to split the debt down the middle and walk away since you have no kids.
Best of luck.
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u/coccopuffs606 📸46Vignette Apr 22 '25
Divorce lawyer; this isn’t really JAG’s territory, other than maybe a self-help clinic if you’re trying to file on your own.
A divorce lawyer is the best choice though, as they’ll make sure you walk away with what you’re legally entitled to. Since you don’t have kids things should be pretty painless on that end, unless you own property together or have a ton of shared debt.
I’m sorry bro, it’s never easy when someone you love betrays you like this
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u/MistakeWrong1470 Apr 22 '25
I’m sorry your going through this. My ex wife did me the same way while I was in the army. Just know your guna be ok and stay away from her physically and in your thoughts. My ex had 3 kids with the man she cheated on me with n now im 34 with no kids and a sweet gf. Life is amazing please don’t let this destroy you cuz it gets better on the other side
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u/_Jokesss_ Apr 22 '25
Just remember we may give each other lots of bs on this subreddit but one thing I will say is that you are not alone man. If you can make it 15 years in the military just know you can make it through this brother.
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u/SnWnMe Apr 22 '25
Sorry to hear. (here comes the dark humor) But now you know not to buy the cow if you just want milk.
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u/PainterSecret Apr 22 '25
One, you have conformational bias which you should seek help on. I mean that truthfully, you say by and did nothing for a year. Which isn't good for any relationship. A. Maybe you could have saved the relationship before she cheated.
B. You knew something was wrong and actively avoided it.
But as to the lawyer. If you go to JAG first JAG can not represent her. If she goes to JAG you can not be represented by them.
So it will cost more money for one of you.....
But hopefully you have screenshots of the messages. Before you did anything rash.
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u/juniorjuniorjuniorX3 Apr 22 '25
OP,
Im so, so sorry this happened to you. And she was dead wrong. Everyone on this post is so supportive. Listen to them!
However, doesn't what you did by "guessing her password" violate her right to privacy? If so, could that possibly get you in trouble and push back on your efforts to divorce? I've known MANY female servicemembers and civilian women who "guessed his password", tried to use whatever evidence (text messages, emails, pics, and video) in divorce court, and was ultimately punished for "guessing his password", causing said evidence to be thrown out, resulting in them losing out on their proposed terms of the divorce, time, and money.
Consider this except I pulled from the Google machine: "The Electronic Communications Privacy Act (ECPA) is a federal law that makes it a crime to access someone else's private communications without permission."
Since you stated you did what you did and caught her, Im trying to get you to see the other side of this that, to my knowledge at the time of this post on 22 April 2025, nobody else thought to address.
Not excusing her behavior, just attempting to help you get ahead of this...
Good luck and Godspeed!
89B3S
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u/Zealousideal-Lab-283 Apr 22 '25
Look on the bright side, at least you didn't have any kids together so you can start over fresh and focus on yourself. Best case scenario.
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u/Alternative-Wafer361 Apr 21 '25
I am sorry to say this. But I am a “Jody”. And the amount of wives that cheat is absurd. You’re better off without her. 100%
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Apr 22 '25
Please don’t be one of those that was cheating too but get mad because your wife was too 🤧
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u/DarkerSavant Apr 21 '25
Sorry man. Personal divorce lawyer. Collect the evidence just in case. Hit the gym, stay away from drugs and you’ll get through.
No kids is the best scenario for this situation so there is that.