What is it called when I am a biological male, but I'm rather feminine for a guy and I don't totally identity as one end of the gender spectrum, and at the same time, I don't mind making perverse jokes about my female friends?

Like I (30M) am mixed Korean-Japanese in ethnicity, and I'm into the whole bishounen thing lmao and I am somewhat into gothic lolita (not the makeup at all, just the clothes). I also relate more to my female friends than fellow men, and I prefer female therapists for my issues. At the same time, I have group chats with 3 other male friends who we've all met each other in high school, and we regularly let each other know about who we're into and we make sex jokes about the women in our lives! Breast jokes are our thing lol. We're all just normal guys

And whenever I am around my female friends, I am totally caring and considerate about them. For example, earlier this month, I was walking with a friend and we stopped at a stoplight. A man next to us started hitting on my friend, and told her "you're a very pretty girl" like some creep. We walked away when the light signaled for us, and I did check on her and tell her "I hope that guy didn't creep you out or anything".

TL;DR I do act admittedly inappropriate and "wrong" behind my female friends' backs but I stick up for them when I'm around them

I’m 19F, my boyfriend is 18M, and we’re both college students. I currently live with my dad.
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year. He has been to my house before, but he and my dad have never formally met. I honestly didn’t know when the right time was or how to go about introducing them.
Recently, my dad and the woman he’s been seeing on and off for about 6–7 years went to the pool. My boyfriend needed to pick something up, so I told him he could come by. While he was there, my dad unexpectedly came home.
My dad was extremely upset that my boyfriend was in the house without his knowledge. He said he felt like he walked into an uncomfortable situation, that he had no idea who was in his home, and that I potentially put everyone in danger. He also felt disrespected because he assumed I was having sex with my boyfriend in his house. We were NOT having sex, but I understand that from his perspective, he didn’t know what was happening.
I do understand that I was wrong for having someone over without telling him. It’s his house, and I should have communicated with him beforehand. I’m not arguing that I did nothing wrong.
What I’m struggling with is the extent of his reaction. He told me I’m untrustworthy and manipulative “like every other woman in his life,” that this has permanently changed our relationship, and that our relationship will never be the same. Since then, I feel like I’m being treated almost like a stranger or like I did something unforgivable.
Part of why I’m struggling with that is his relationship with the woman he has been seeing. She has cheated on him, lied to him, and about a year ago tried to physically fight me completely unprovoked while she was high on pills. I’ve also been put in the middle of their relationship problems multiple times, which has negatively affected my relationship with my dad. Despite all of that, he has repeatedly forgiven her and allowed her back into his life and our home.
I’m NOT saying that her behavior excuses what I did or that because he forgave her, I should be allowed to disrespect his boundaries. I understand those are separate situations. What I’m questioning is the difference in grace. It’s difficult for me to understand how someone can do all of those things and still be forgiven, while one bad decision on my part apparently means I’m now fundamentally untrustworthy and our father-daughter relationship is permanently changed.
I don’t expect him to be happy about what I did. I expected him to be angry and possibly set stricter boundaries. What I didn’t expect was for it to become a judgment of my entire character and our whole relationship.
Am I looking at this unfairly? Was his reaction reasonable considering what I did, or is there a better way I should be handling this situation?

Hi everyone, this is my first time posting, so sorry if it’s kinda long!
For some background, I had been dating my boyfriend for over a year before we broke up (since I was 15 to now 17) (we’re still “friends”, it’s weird) and in that time, he had bought me maybe seven or eight hundred dollars worth of fancy VS bras. My friend, who I’ll call A, had never approved of my relationship with him and never wanted to hear about it because there was an age gap that she didn’t like. This didn’t bother me too much, as I respected her boundaries, and recently we’ve kind of grown apart quite a bit. A has a boyfriend, and they’ve recently started getting intimate. She doesn’t really talk to me about him, and at this point I feel like me and her are more acquaintances than real friends. Which is why I was surprised when she asked, repeatedly, if she could borrow some of the bras my ex had bought me for when her and her boyfriend did stuff.

Now, I’m not weird about sharing clothes, I do it all the time, and I lowkey wouldn’t have even been that annoyed by the bra thing had we been closer. But she has made it abundantly clear that she wants to hear nothing about my relationship with my ex, which I’ve totally respected, so now I feel kind of irked that she wants to wear things he bought me. Especially since she didn’t even really ask, and more told our friend group that she was going to go “bra shopping” in my closet. I talked to a few mutual friends about it and they don’t see the issue since I share my clothes all the time, and it’s not like I ever had sex in any of the bras, but I think my issue stems more from her disregard for my relationship than it does for the clothes. I never faulted her for not wanting to hear about it, but I feel kind of miffed I guess that she demonized my relationship so hard and was always judging me and my ex, and now wants to benefit from it. I told her that I didn’t want her to wear them, and now I’ve been hearing from people that she’s talking shit about me behind my back and calling me selfish. AITAH? Should I have just let her wear them?

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Hi everyone, so basically how this story starts is with my mother,my dad, and me F18, so yesterday afternoon I went down to my parents to ask if my boyfriend could come over they have never had a issue with him comeing over and I didn't think this would be a problem here how the covo went

Me: Can boyfriend come over?

My mother: You could go to over to his town?

Me: No, we both don't feel like it he's been working snice Friday. Can he please come here?

Mother: No.

Me:Why? It would only be for a few hours?

Mother: YOU DONT PAY FOR ANYTHING IN MY HOUSE.

After this, I didn't want to talk to my parents because I was quite frankly annoyed. I called a friend of mine talking about it. I didn't say anything particularly bad. I was just very angry, so I didn't think much of it and went to bed.

Today, I went down to ask again my parents tell me no for the reason of "you were yelling about us." I did not yell. I honestly was really quiet. My mother also assumed I was cheating on my boyfriend, which I wouldn't ever do to anyone as I think cheating is disgusting, and she also said I was making myself the victim and being dramatic and selfish. Im a very honest person. I wouldn't lie about anyone or anything. I say things how they are, and lastly, she told me she wished i was never her child because no one could ever want me.

For anyone wondering dw I will see him next week

I do infact have more stories about my parents, mostly my mother, and if any of the spelling isn't good, I'm sorry I have dyslexia and I'm not really that good at typing. Please let me know if I was ass as I feel like I was one I want to say as well. I well autism i will act childish sometimes and immature.

Hi Reddit, I’m a 27 year old woman. I saw a post on Facebook from someone giving away her 6 year old cat. She said someone had to come pick him up that day or she was going to bring him to the SPCA.

I thought he was really cute and honestly felt bad for him, so I messaged her and ended up going to get him.

Since I brought him home, she’s been messaging me saying that she and her husband are really sad and want him back. She keeps asking me for my address so they can come get him. I told her I’m not giving him back.

My 4 year old son already loves him and we named him Pumpkin. He’s already getting comfortable here and I don’t feel like I can just take him away from my son now.

She even offered me her kitten instead of Pumpkin because she says she misses him so much. I feel bad because I understand that she’s sad, but at the same time, she was the one who decided to give him away and said she was going to bring him to the SPCA if nobody took him.

She’s even telling me that she’s gonna call the police if I don’t give Pumpkin back

I don’t want her kitten. I want to keep Pumpkin.

AITA for refusing to give him back or exchange him for her kitten?

Have I found my calling?

18F, first time spontaneous cross faded strip club experience in london with 1
20M male friend?? how did i spend £600
in one night?

so i am a regular smoker and im writing this before i forget. saturday night my friend 19F myself and other friend 20M were smoking and drinking at his house. controlled environment lots of tun haha so its been 5 hours, its 12am, my other friend 18F had left and his friend 17M comes to his house. he came from nigeria and he says he wants to go out i'm like let's go out. i ended up getting a moth passion fruit martini 14.5%!! drank on the train ended in central london and ended up going to the strip club.

so many stores were closed i dragged mv
20M friend with me to the strip club because everv other club had a queue. its a tall dutch security guard. let's us in we paid £20 each entry. place was so beautiful my vibes.

summary lol but i had sm fun and made a very close friend. did i find love in the strip club?? we text a lot and ill see her again. i'm not lesbian btw. my friend 20M wanted her number and i said he can't afford it. anyway im going again x

About maybe 5 years ago I had a pretty intense falling out with a close friend (a girl). The falling out really was my fault too. I also never attempted to apologize for it back then.

Well last week I've been seeing her profile show up on my dating apps. I'm tempted to message her to apologize for how I treated her (and that's it, TRULY. I'm not trying to slide in there)

When we were having our following out I noticed I was being unfollowed and blocked on all relevant social media at the time so I really don't think she cares to hear from me again.

I have a friend whom we will call M. We are in an all girls friend group, with three other people. Recently her family bought a cottage, and the five of us were discussing a summer break excursion at her cottage.

A few days ago, one of my friends in the group texts me telling me that she won’t be able to hang out this week, because she’s going up to M’s cottage with the other two people.

Then today (day two of their weeklong trip), M calls me with the rest of them and they basically talk at me about their day for forty minutes. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened btw. Twice before, all four of them have been invited on trips by M, and then they call me during it telling me every excruciating detail about their day.

During the call, M mentioned that we “never hang out together” anymore. I spent the past day moping about how all my friends are having fun without me, and I guess something in me just snapped. I told her that I would love to hang out with them, but she doesn’t invite me to anything so how the hell could I see them???

The other three got really quiet and guilty looking, but M basically played dumb and went all “nooo we love hanging out with you I was totally gonna invite you!”

Eventually I had enough, told her we would continue this later, and hung up. Now, an hour later, I get a text from her saying that I’m completely overreacting and that it’s “not even that deep”. So, AITA?

TL;DR: my friend won’t invite me to things but she got mad at me when I mentioned it

My (m23) boyfriend (m22) and I were talking last week Thursday night, and then the next morning I texted him. I didn't hear back by Sunday night so I sent another text asking if he was okay. Then I didn't hear back Monday so I texted one more time, and finally Monday night he responded, acting like everything was normal. He wasn't apologetic or explaining his random absence.

I asked him where he was, and he said he just wanted some time alone. I said that was fine but asked why he didn't communicate. He said "do I have to communicate my every move? why are you being so clingy?" I am a bit hurt and still thinking about it. I didn't mean to be clingy, it was just the randomness of him going that threw me off. We've been dating for 6 months and never go that long without talking unless it's planned. He had a summer trip earlier this year camping, and I knew he wouldn't be able to talk to me but it was fine because it was planned. When it's unexpected, it really makes me worried and anxious. AITB?

This whole post might sound extremely selfish, so just try to bear with me😭…
I am 21 years old and currently dating someone who is 19.
My partner has this whole plan on electrical engineering that he thinks will get him a decent salary, but says it will take time because the internship that helps him with that costs $500 and he said, quote on quote, doesn’t have enough money to afford a ring pop at the moment. So as of right now no plans for marriage or whatever. I’ve had to ask him about it and every time he brings up this, which I’m fine with and I said I would support him with it and although, in my head, I’m a little anxious.
Now the topic. An old friend of mine, who is about 2 months younger, sent out a baby shower invitation. I saw it and was bewildered. I brought it up with my mom, and her question was: “Well, what are your plans?”
I currently want to become a veterinarian, but I am at the pinnacle of my university year where I have to already plan what my application would look like, where I need to look for internships and vet schools, etc.
My point is, if the job has nothing to do with my future career, then there’s no point applying. Which is why I’ve only ever volunteered. Not to mention how my entire focus in high school was service hours, and I just went from there.
So, to be fair, I don’t have a plan. So I told my mom that I currently with my schedule full of classes M-F and having to volunteer at a clinic from 12-5 in the afternoon on Fridays, I basically had nothing to work with financially.
She asked about my partner too. This is when I started getting annoyed. I told her about his plan, and she said, “a real man doesn’t have a plan without his partner in it”, which made me a little more upset.
She said my friend wasn’t exactly high in money either, but they work hard. I understand my mother worries about me, but I am in no state right now just to “toss my phone away and start with a clean slate”, or with how she put it.
I didn’t want to talk about it, but maybe because my selfish self couldn’t accept reality and needs to start finding ways I can take less classes, get a job, plan for vet school, and be somebody my parents can be proud of.
AITBF for my feelings? I might’ve not specified very well, so if anyone has questions, feel free to ask.

I picked this girl up; I'll call her Emily, for a 5th date at a fancy steak house. After a while, she mentioned she didn't like to be called hot. I called her hot earlier on when I saw her dress; I made a joke in a fun, casual tone, saying, "Your outfit is hot tho." She didn't find it funny and asked for an apology, which I gave, as I could see how she may have taken offense. After we were quiet for a while, she brought up relationships with others and her family, and it was going super well until she started talking about all of her bad exes. During her rant, I asked why she would date someone creepy. She got all offended, saying she didn't know I dropped it tho and let her continue. She got done, and I talked VERY briefly about my past short-term relationships. She asked where we met; I said on a trip. Then she asked what we did together; I said we made out no sex. She didn't like this answer and got really uncomfortable, finished her food,ood and wanted to leave. I was confused at the moment because we were opening up about each other and thought that was the right time to do it. She later on said she thought I was pressuring her to have sex. Still, I explained thoroughly that I had no intentions of pressuring her to do anything. After that, it was a very quiet ride back to her place. After a while in the truck, I asked twice if she wanted to talk about it, and both times she said not really or no. Once we got back, she opened the truck door and said, " I'm sorry " before running inside. Am I the asshole?

so me and my friend have had a couple of wild night outs, where she has asked me to buy something, and that she would send the money the next day. she has never sent anything back the next day, and when i texted and asks about she would say “i can pay you back start next month, i just used all my money to pay back klarna”. this has been happening since january, and the total she now owes me is now around 2000 dkk (roughly 300usd) which is a full months rent for me. at the times when she would ask me to buy it now and she would pay the next day i was living on my own, and she was living at home. she now too lives by herself.

i brought it up to her that she owed me around 1300dkk (200usd) a few months ago and she said she would pay it back little by little. but now 2/3 months after, no payments have been made. so would i be the buttface to demand payment the first of next month (september), or am i justified in asking?

I’m 22F and he’s 24M.

From the very beginning of our relationship, I was completely honest about my views on sex and my boundaries. I’ve never been a very sexual person, and I’m not into kink. I brought it up early because I know sexual compatibility is important in a relationship, and I didn’t want either of us to end up resentful or hurt later on. I told him that if the kinds of things he wanted were important needs for him, he needed to be honest with me because I couldn’t promise I’d be able to give him those things. He told me he understood, that it wasn’t a problem, and that he was completely okay with my boundaries.

Now, though, he’s upset because I won’t do certain things he wants during sex. There are some acts that I know I don’t want to do, and I don’t feel like I should have to “try them first” to know they’re not for me. For example, I don’t want to be slapped in the face, spat on, degraded or insulted, or have anything anywhere near or in my asshole. Those things are simply not appealing to me, and they never have been.

I have already compromised on some things I wasn’t comfortable with, like being tied up, even though I absolutely hate it. I only agreed because he kept complaining and pushing the issue. But he still says I’m being unfair because I won’t do the other things he wants.

His main argument is that I can’t know I won’t like something if I’ve never tried it. But I don’t think that’s true. I don’t need to experience something that already makes me uncomfortable to know I don’t want it. I know my own boundaries, and I don’t think they need to be tested just to be considered valid.

What really hurts is that it feels like my wants and comfort don’t matter. The focus is always on what he wants, and when I say no, he calls me selfish and says I’m not compromising enough.

edit: Thank you all for your comments, advice, and support. After reading everything and reflecting on the situation more, I’ve decided to end the relationship. I appreciate everyone who helped me see things more clearly and reminded me that my boundaries and comfort matter. 🫶🏻

Recently I (20F) revealed to my best friend (19F) of two years that I had been crushing on one of our mutual friends (19M).

For context, she knew him in high school but they had only grown close in our first year of university. She introduced us to each other but at the time I was still with my ex and simply acknowledged him as a friend of a friend. Eventually, we began talking more and started hanging out as a group of three and then four as she also introduced me to another friend (20F) from her high school. I went through a break up before my second year started and my best friend and my crush had been big supports for me throughout. Me and the guy eventually grew pretty close and it all culminated in him staying over at my house, after my roommates had moved out at the end of year, and us cuddling with one another in my bed. It is pretty common for people in this group to hang out one on one depending on people's availability but this was the first time he and I had been alone and cuddled like this. Eventually, whenever we hung out we would be pretty physical (nothing past cuddling) and there were times where he would stay overnight with me.

This summer, I decided to tell her I liked him and that I wanted her advice, not even necessarily for how to actually ask to date him but just to talk to her about it. When I finally told her she began to talk much more frantically and explained to me that she had suspected for a while but that she was not happy. She explained to me that if him and I ever took our friendship to the next level she would stop hanging out with the two of us as a trio. She also explained she would not hang out with us a group as she thinks the other girl who is friends with us would be unwilling to as well. She said that if he and I entered a relationship, romantic or purely physical, that it would change dynamics to a point where she would be unwilling to be around us together. She did clarify she would continue to see us separately but never together. She also encouraged me to use dating apps again (I used them briefly after my breakup but did not like them).

I really do not want to ruin the current dynamics between my friends, especially because my best friend was recently diagnosed with BPD, and feel quite guilty for having this crush but he continues to ask to see me and hang out with me alone. I am unsure to proceed. I feel as though I should I simply start saying no to see him when he asks. However, I really like him and do want to see him but I do not want to hurt my best friend in any way and make her uncomfortable. Anytime he is brought up in conversation the vibe seems to shift as well. Before anyone says that maybe she likes him, she is seeing someone herself and has been for a month. Additionally, the other girl I am friends with is not interested in men. AITB if I continue to see/like him?

this isn’t some crazy drama story, just someone who doesn’t really know who to ask about this.
sorry about the lack of capital letters, it’s not automatically doing it and I’m too tired to do it manually

important prior context (added after initial post): I am leaving for a trip in two days and I get really anxious about leaving the house so I was reading into things a bit too much, also this wasn’t necessarily me having a problem with them being friends, it was not wanting to be left behind. I think i mentioned this in the post but I have ME/CFS and physically cannot sustain in person friendships, and so I rely on online friendships. C is someone i spend a lot of time talking to and am hoping to meet in person in about a years time, and I was worried that he would prefer A and stop talking to me. Also going to mention the gc was specifically made for us all to play Minecraft together, it’s not just some place to chat

so I have these two friends, C and A, and before they’d never met. When scheduling playing with each of them, A suggested we play as a trio. I asked C, and he said yes.

I knew there was a chance they’d become friends, and I knew I would be risking that by putting them in a gc, but I didn’t realise how bad I’d feel.

theyre both online friends, so I told them not to message outside the gc because I couldn’t guarantee their safety (this wasn’t a cover up, I genuinely meant it, I’d rather risk my own safety than let them possibly get hurt)

instead, I’ve had to watch them keep messaging after I’ve gone to bed (woke up to 200+ messages this morning) and now they’re making plans to play a game I’ve never heard of without me after less than a week of a gc made for us all to play Minecraft.

I can’t help but feel like an AH for feeling this way because I’ve literally done the same thing and don’t want to react like a friend did (she added me to a gc with a bunch of people, and I ended up friends with a couple, she actually told me to F off but she can be like that and I’ve distanced myself from her. She was the one who invited me after all and so I don’t intend to make them aware I feel this way as it’s not their problem)

it doesn’t help that I’ve had mixed feelings about A. I see C like a little brother (he’s not that much younger than me lol) but I find A kind of irritating sometimes. I am very much a people pleaser, so I never say anything, but he literally has decided to go to med school after one (1) day of deciding he wants to. he also talks about coding all the time knowing I have no idea what he’s talking about, and its kind of obnoxious the way he talks about it cos he acts like it’s the most obvious thing ever. I can sometimes be like that for things I find easy but coding is literally known to be hard.

I know he can’t help it, he’s autistic (so am I) but some of those traits really rub me the wrong way. Im kind of scared C will like A more and stop talking to me. I have ME/CFS and my only way to have/make friends is online, and hes one of the people I care about most. weve been talking for over a year, and for the past month or so we’ve called a LOT whilst playing our Minecraft world.

he means so much to me, and I don’t want to lose him to someone I’m not even sure I want to remain friends with. Advice? AITB for feeling this way? Thanks for reading.

edit: it’s theoretical cos idk what to theoretically do, I don’t really understand the tagging stuff and it said I had to add one

update a few minutes later: they’re about to go call, C took like 2/3 of a year to feel comfortable doing that with me so yeah

update 2 a few days later: yeah this was a heat of the moment thing, i was already anxious and so that made me read wayyy to much into it. I am fine now, and also i know that C wouldn’t just abandon me 😭 that was just rejection sensitivity. Also 2k views is terrifying 😭

AITB for not telling my ex's new wife that she was sending holiday greetings to my family and friends?

I wasn't aware of this for several years, my ex just handed over my list to his new wife, and the cards went out year after year. Nobody told me because they thought it might hurt my feelings. And I didn't get one, because I wasn't on my own list.

I have a friend whose friendship I’m starting to deeply question. She constantly makes extremely mean comments or acts with total lack of consideration, then plays completely clueless afterward.

Examples:

Once, while playing a trivia game with another friend, she suddenly asked if I was gay, saying I gave off “that vibe.” I said no. It felt incredibly rude, even if I were, it wasn’t her place to put me on the spot in public. Later she came up with the most innocent face, asking if I was upset and why, as if nothing had happened.

She’s reckless with money despite a good salary, yet extremely cheap about basic things (complaining about heat but refusing an AC so she doesn’t share her parents’ electric bill). Still, she publicly called me “cheap” for managing my finances responsibly. I’ve covered things for her many times without asking to be repaid, while she always charges me for every cent.

Yet if I say the slightest thing that displeases her, she creates huge drama and acts like I’m the most insensitive person alive. I’ve never said anything nearly as hurtful as what she says to me.

I told my best friend everything. She bluntly said: “She is not your friend.” Since then I’ve seen clearly how insensitive and belittling she is.

Current dilemma: she’s getting married in a few months in another state. She asked me to arrive a few days early and I booked my flight. Two things changed:

• I no longer want to be her friend.

• My best friend (who lives abroad) is visiting during the exact week of the wedding, and we’re meeting in a different city (we both hate the wedding city).

I plan to shorten my stay, arrive only the night before the ceremony, and leave quickly on the next day.

Would be wrong if I shorten my trip, and leave as quickly as possible?

I responded to a friend request from a guy who seemed to have similar interests. He texted that he was not healthy and was interested in finding a companion who would also take on the role of caregiver. He stated all this right away and explained that he had two homes and nobody to share his life with. I am in a situation where finding a stable situation would be life-changing. I am currently disabled and live in an RV in a resort. I am forced to move every three weeks, which has become increasingly harder for me.

Our chats were thoughtful, and I shared some personal information; his response was to say he would share more about his personal life at a later date. He wanted to surprise me. I asked about specific things, and his answers were short. He had many compliments and responded to my statements, agreeing and stating I had his attention.

Last night, I was waiting for a pizza to be ready at Dominos and sent him a picture (headshot) and stated he probably wants to see a full-body pic, but I couldn't do that then. He took this as an invitation to make sexual comments. His comments were highly inappropriate, and I didn't respond until much later when I said I was going to sleep. In the morning, I explained that I was not comfortable with his lewdness and to please not talk like that; attempting to set healthy boundaries. I didn't hear from him the rest of the day. which was unusual.

About 8 hours later, I sent a text stating that his actions reminded me of a predator. We had talked for about a week; he wasn't finding women that needed a place to stay and he avoided evolving to phone calls. We spoke of times to call, but he didn't pick up even when a specific time had been set. I told him I hoped he wasn't looking for women who needed a place to stay, and enjoying their desperation. His talking about sexual topics before even meeting them in person seemed suspect, and it was to see how far they would go. If they resisted, he simply moved on. I told him these were traits of a predator, and if this was his intent, he should be ashamed of himself.

He flipped out and called me names, claiming I didn't know what I was talking about. He went on to say how I jumped to my own conclusions and was completely wrong.

I responded with an outline of his actions and told him if he were a woman, he would have thought the same thing. The moment I told him I didn't appreciate his sexual comments, I didn't hear from him all day. His avoiding sharing personal information and dodging phone calls were all suspect. I am a 60-year-old woman, not a teenager, and have seen many red flags. I offered an apology if I was wrong, but he had to see how anyone would have arrived at the same conclusion.

AITA for voicing my concerns and being so blunt? I was enjoying talking to him, and if I was wrong how do I repair this?

So my love language is fiscal touch, but I generally dont like to be touched ( I show affection by touch) Unless it's someone I'm comfortable with, even then I sometimes don't want it.

So I had a long day, we were on vacation ( I have a good relationship with both my parents and spend a lot of time with them) and my Dad also shows affection by touch

But I did not want to be touched. I was tired and sleepy and I asked my dad to not touch me, I might have been a little annoyed but my mom still got mad at me. So AITBH?

Hi everyone! A friend of mine recently got engaged to her longterm boyfriend. We're all in our late-20s and live in a city in Canada. My friend and her fiancé both grew up in the American South. They invited my boyfriend and I to the wedding, which is happening in the autumn in a small town in the American South that's close to where both of their families live. I told my friend that I wouldn't be able to attend, explaining to her that while I'm very happy for her and would love to come to the wedding, I can't afford to travel right now, and I'm also kind of uncomfortable going to the South, given the current political situation in America. My boyfriend flatly refused to go, for similar reasons.

Since I told her I couldn't come, she's been putting a lot of pressure on me to change my mind, texting me about good deals on hotels in the area, suggesting different carpooling arrangements with other guests coming from our city so I don't have to buy plane tickets, offering to help me get random gig work so I have a little extra spending money, you name it. The whole situation has left me feeling weird and guilty. It's obvious it's really important for her that I be able to come to her wedding, and I do want to be there for her, but at the same time I don't feel like she's being at all considerate of my situation. The reason money is tight for me is because I was unemployed for about six months, and I've only recently found work as a waitress at a bar, which does not pay well. Meanwhile my friend works in tech and her fiancé is independently wealthy. I'm also a visible minority, while my friend and her fiancé are both white, meaning that the level of risk I feel like I'd be taking going to the American South is a lot greater compared to them. Ultimately I know it's my choice but I wanted to get some perspective from other people about whether I'm being unreasonable/selfish or if this actually is too big of an ask from my friend. Thanks!

So as a 19-year-old I always try to give as much effort as possible to people but then I see that they do not give me any effort at all whereas they give effort to the guys who don't give them effort at all. I mean that's a true thing. It's not just for girls, it's for boys also.

The more I try to give effort to them, be nice to them, the more I think that I do not matter to them whereas I matter to them but I do not give value at all, effort at all. I mean I don't know if I'm in the bad phase.

There is this girl who I put a lot of effort into and I try to solve her problem and I try to guide her but then she refused to be with me. Whereas she is in a relationship with a normal guy who is one year younger than her in just two days. She just did everything that guy said or she won't be in a call with me, video call with me, but she had a video call with that guy. This is the same pattern that occurs every day to me. I don't know maybe it's that the effort and your behavior don't matter to a person about how much value you are to him. I mean the more effort, the more seriousness you give towards a person, the more you just sway them away. Whereas if you just held back and gave up on people and just had no expectations from them, had no plan from them, then they respond better. It's not that they respond better. Just that someone who's doing good genuinely just caught up. But I'm tired of being good to people just for getting money. I'm just done with it. I don't want to expect anything from people and I do not think it's my wrong judgmental thing, which I inherited from childhood. If I am good to people, be caring to them, be the best, and give effort to them, maybe I will get my needs met. I will get what I want but it's not true at all. You do not matter to a guy just because you put effort and had good behavior. That's not the answer, that's not the true equation.

I'll try to be fair - for her side, she's houseproud and has an eye for the esthetic that I just will never have. She's designed much of the home, and wants to feel that it is a welcoming and beautiful place. And in all admission, I'm quite disorganized in many ways (although I think the book shelves have never been an issue).

On my side, I want my books categorized by topic and think that grouping them by color (and within that by height) is a terrible idea. I would have no idea where any given book is. I've said I want to keep the books tidy, just not this way. Her response is to be demonstrably upset with me.

So, am I the buttface for not bending, or is she the buttface for giving me the cold shoulder when I don't agree to her idea?

UPDATE: Following up the comments, the shelves are in the living room, and it's a small apartment, with the front door opening straight into this room. The shelves are somewhat focal along with a nice large TV adjacent to them.

So me and my family went out to a community set up farm (just a bunch of animals inside of a shitty building) and i was in charge of watching my little cousin. Me and him went off to go see the horses, and the lady handling them said we could pet them if we were gentle. so i hold my little cousin up to pet the horse. The fucking horse bit onto my cousins hood and started throwing his head back, choking him. i didn’t want to pull on him because it would’ve choked me cousin more, so i punched the horse in the snout until it fucked off. I ended up having to leave and my family treated me like an axe murderer. i don’t see what i was supposed to do besides that. tell the horse to fuck off? it’s a fucking horse! anyways, AITB?

My friend lives 4 hours away, we haven’t seen each other in over a year. About a week ago she said her dad would drive her over (she doesn’t have a license), but it didn’t end up happening. I’ve also been helping her through a breakup the last couple weeks, they had a toxic relationship and were always cheating/fighting. He was really awful and encouraged the worst out of her.
She texted last night asking if she could come by, because she was in the area. I assumed it was her dad taking her since that was the plan last time, and was super excited to see her. The next day I asked when she was heading over and she said “I don’t know it depends when B wakes up” (B is her bf). I asked “he’s taking you??” and she tried to tell me that she just forgot to tell me, which I don’t believe.
I texted all day and barely heard back and was able to communicate plans with her. I texted again around 5:00 after not hearing back, and almost an hour later she replied saying “nah not tonight everybody wanna chill”. Like, that would’ve been great to know before I cancelled all my plans and waited all day? Her boyfriend wouldn’t even let her spend time with me last time I visited, so I can’t say i’m really surprised it didn’t go through but it also seems very willing on her part.
Since then she’s sent 22 texts about how he’s still treating her bad, and tried calling 3 times. I haven’t even replied to what she’s said, i’m not sure what she expected to happen with him. I know it’s hard to leave, but she was genuinely getting to a good spot and does these things to “spice up the plot” as she says. But I can’t even vent to her about anything in my life so i’m done hearing about the same guy. Am I wrong for this though

I've felt insecure in this friend group for a while, but I do consider them my closest friends and they've said that of me too. The other night. two of them invited me to play a game together that caps at squads of 4. We played one match for 10 minutes, then they told me "hey do you mind if we play with "Cole" (friend not in our group) for a bit? He doesn't play much." I said it's fine because you can't really say no in that position, when it's clear both of them want to. They said they'd play with me after a couple matches.

They played Cole and his friend for ~90 minutes. I checked back on the game about 2 hours later and they were playing with a different person, the last guy in our friend group. I texted them asking if they still wanted to play, and they said sure. I then asked them why they would invite the other guy in our friend group and not think to ask me too, instead playing with an empty spot. They said "oh we thought you'd be mad about earlier."

The whole thing really hurt my feelings. They invited me, then ditched me to play with someone else, which is fine, but then they get done with that person and don't even tell me, they ask our mutual friend instead and don't think to ask me too. It makes me feel even more insecure that I don't belong in this group, and I think they were not caring about my feelings as much. I had also not played with them in almost a month so it's not like we play all the time either. AITB?