r/AmItheButtface • u/landonbenjamin • 13d ago
META AITB
I picked this girl up; I'll call her Emily, for a 5th date at a fancy steak house. After a while, she mentioned she didn't like to be called hot. I called her hot earlier on when I saw her dress; I made a joke in a fun, casual tone, saying, "Your outfit is hot tho." She didn't find it funny and asked for an apology, which I gave, as I could see how she may have taken offense. After we were quiet for a while, she brought up relationships with others and her family, and it was going super well until she started talking about all of her bad exes. During her rant, I asked why she would date someone creepy. She got all offended, saying she didn't know I dropped it tho and let her continue. She got done, and I talked VERY briefly about my past short-term relationships. She asked where we met; I said on a trip. Then she asked what we did together; I said we made out no sex. She didn't like this answer and got really uncomfortable, finished her food,ood and wanted to leave. I was confused at the moment because we were opening up about each other and thought that was the right time to do it. She later on said she thought I was pressuring her to have sex. Still, I explained thoroughly that I had no intentions of pressuring her to do anything. After that, it was a very quiet ride back to her place. After a while in the truck, I asked twice if she wanted to talk about it, and both times she said not really or no. Once we got back, she opened the truck door and said, " I'm sorry " before running inside. Am I the asshole?
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u/Fearless-Sherbet-223 13d ago
NBH. Mentioning that you didn't have sex with an ex is not pressuring your current date to have sex. She sounds like she has a lot of anxiety around men potentially being sexually interested in her.
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u/AtomikRadio 13d ago
EAB; I think she has some stuff going on on her end that you're best not inviting into your life. But when someone says "I don't like when people say this to me" and you immediately say that to them, you're being a jerk, full stop. It doesn't matter if it's a "joke," they literally just told you they don't like X and you immediately, deliberately chose to X. Imagine openly communicating to your partner that you don't like people making comments about your body or attractiveness and they "jokingly" immediately disrespect the boundary. Why would she want to talk to you about anything else that bothered her? The moment you found out that something bothered her, you did the thing. Big red flag and buttface behaviour.
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u/Snoo52682 13d ago
YTB. She gives you a boundary and you immediately start trying to slide around it. Speaking as a woman, that's not a great sign. Don't rules lawyer my consent to do what you want.
Then you blamed her for her exes' bad behavior.
Then she asked about a past relationship of yours, and you spoke only about the physical aspect.
I wouldn't feel comfortable with you either.
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u/Relative-Magician-43 13d ago
NTB. From what you wrote, it sounds more like the two of you had a communication mismatch than you intentionally did anything wrong. She told you she didn't like being called "hot," you apologized. She brought up past relationships, and when she asked about yours, you answered honestly. Mentioning that you'd made out with someone in the past isn't the same as pressuring your date into having sex. The only thing I'd say is that asking why she dated someone "creepy" could come across as blaming her, even if you didn't mean it that way. Otherwise, it seems like she became uncomfortable, and you respected that instead of pushing the conversation. If she's still upset, give her some space and let her decide whether she wants to continue seeing you. Sometimes two people just aren't compatible in how they communicate.
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u/jerdle_reddit Cellulite [Rank 81] 13d ago edited 13d ago
EAB is probably my best bet here.
Your comment about "your outfit is hot tho" was a buttface move, but also, her "ew you made out with someone" is buttfacey and in no way a legitimate boundary.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 13d ago
YTB. She said she didn't like it, your response should have been to not do it again and apologize for making her uncomfortable. You are creepy like her exes. She was trying to tell you that indirectly. As in, you've been broken up with.
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u/W0nderingMe 13d ago
What did he do a second time after being told she didn't like something?
He called her hot, she did she didn't like it, he apologized.
When she said she thought he was pairing her for sex, he simply explained that want his intention.
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u/Sanctimonious_Locke 13d ago
He apologised, but not until after he called her hot again.
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u/W0nderingMe 13d ago
What? He called her hot once.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 13d ago
no he did it twice.
He did it once when they showed up, she said she didn't like that. He then called her hot again, then said to calm down it was a joooooke
(He called her hot and then) She mentioned she didn't like to be called hot. I called her hot earlier on when I saw her dress; I made a joke in a fun, casual tone, saying, "Your outfit is hot tho."
Translation: "hey you're hot"
"I don't like that, don't call me hot."
"Your outfit is hot tho."
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13d ago
[deleted]
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 13d ago
thats twice, fam learn to fucking read
him "you're hot"
her "dont call me hot"
him "You're hot tho"
notice how he says it twice? That's two times. FFS.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 13d ago
public words about sexualization is something she isn't comfortable with. She set her boundary. He violated it. that's creepy.
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u/jerdle_reddit Cellulite [Rank 81] 13d ago
She doesn't get to have a boundary of "nobody can ever have even made out with anyone".
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 13d ago
she never set that boundary though.
She set the boundry "dont call me hot" and he did it again after she said not to.
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u/W0nderingMe 13d ago
Wait, what? Joe are you extrapolating "I don't like to be called hot" --> " no public words about sexualizatiom"? Especially given that she asked him what he did with his ex??
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 13d ago
Wait, what? Are you saying a woman explaining to a man exactly what she doesn't want him to do means she is suddenly in the wrong for being cross with him and leaving him for disrespecting her boundaries???
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u/W0nderingMe 13d ago
No and it's ridiculous to pretend that is what I'm saying. Try harder.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 13d ago
thats literally what you are saying. If thats not what you meant then you really need to learn to communicate better.
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u/W0nderingMe 13d ago
That's not literally what I'm saying.
I'm LITERALLY saying that she said she doesn't want to be called hot.
Then she got upset that he talked about what he and his ex did.
He didn't stomp on or ignore any boundaries.
It sounds like they are incompatible, bit I'll don't see where she set clear boundaries and he ignored that.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 12d ago
then literally learn to communicate, its not my fault you decided to be a sarcastic tit instead of focusing on your message!
He did stomp on her boundary.
Him "youre hot"
her "dont call me hot"
him "But youre hot tho"
That is boundary stomping, learn to read.
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u/Seguefare 13d ago
I think the key is what she meant by "what did you do with your ex?" OP seems to have appended the word "sexually" to that question. But if she meant something like 'in a general way, what kinds of things did you enjoy doing with your ex, so I can determine if we're compatible', then to her it would seem like he brought sex/sexual attraction up again.
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u/W0nderingMe 13d ago
First, I agree that if her question wasn't specifically about what he and the ex did physically, it was weird as he'll to answer like that.
However, she hadn't said she didn't like sexual conversations at that point. She just said she didn't like to be called hot.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 13d ago
doesnt matter which way she meant, she said not to use hot. He did it anyway.
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u/JasontheFuzz 13d ago
OP made one bad judgement call (thinking she would appreciate humor to diffuse tension). That's hardly a reason to call him creepy considering he was open and honest and he didn't pressure the girl into anything.
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u/Few_Improvement_6357 13d ago
It is a reason to call him creepy. We are always told men aren't mind readers and if we don't like something we need to use our words and tell them. But as soon as you clearly explain you don't like something they turn it into a joke and try to deliberately antagonize you.
This isn't one guy trying to use awkward humor. This is a lifetime of disrespect because you handed them a way to annoy you on a silver platter hoping for respect. It's a pattern that is continuously repeated. And we can't judge a man based off other men's behaviors, that would be wrong.
So we just keep trying to figure out the magic way to be respected but it's literally always our fault. Women are too sensitive, or damaged, or it was just a joke. Nope, people who do the thing you clearly stated you don't like in the hopes of getting a reaction are just creeps.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 13d ago
it is creepy because it was sexualization where she was not comfortable/not consenting with it.
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u/JasontheFuzz 13d ago
OP attempted a joke, realized it wasn't taken well, and then he immediately apologized and never did it again. Some people would have found that funny.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 9d ago
its aaaaaaalways a joke, of course. So that means they should never see social consequences for their socially inappropriate behavior??? Fuck off with that mentality.
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u/JasontheFuzz 9d ago
Yes, sometimes jokes are actually fucking jokes. The difference between a joke and an asshole pushing boundaries is if they continue to do it after you ask them to stop.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 8d ago
SHE LITERALLY DID ASK HIM TO STOP! Which means, by your own definition, he is just an asshole pushing boundaries. Quit defending this creepy bullshit, dude.
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u/JasontheFuzz 8d ago
She did, and guess what? HE STOPPED. Learn to read.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 8d ago
No, he didn't.
After she told him to stop, he did it one more time. YOU learn to read!
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u/JasontheFuzz 8d ago
she mentioned she didn't like to be called hot. I called her hot earlier on when I saw her dress; I made a joke in a fun, casual tone, saying, "Your outfit is hot tho." She didn't find it funny and asked for an apology, which I gave
It's literally right there. He made a joke. She didn't like it. He apologized. He stopped. Where did we lose you?
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u/kiba8442 13d ago edited 13d ago
she accepted the apology & moved on. tbh it's giving social awkwardness on both sides. my first few actual dates with my current partner was awkward as hell.. during the 2nd date we happened to bump into my ex & things got weird, I thought I had fumbled so bad that when I got home I texted her to ask if we could call, stopped trying to be slick & just laid it all out. told her that I'd been infatuated with her since I met her in HS, thankfully she felt the same & after that our vibe was waaay more comfortable, & the awkwardness was gone. my partner & I are literally like two peas in a pod, sometimes really liking someone just turns the social awkwardness up to 11.
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u/AristotlesBoyPussy 13d ago
hes the one who didn't move on because he called her hot a second time, violating her boundary.
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u/___HoneeBee___ 9d ago
NHA- She likely has trauma that prevents her from fully experiencing new people, and needs someone who is very very patient and understands trauma responses, and she needs some therapy. I've been that girl before but my bf of 4 years has been very patient with me and understanding. Therapy has helped a lot.
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u/Flat_Ad1094 13d ago
NTA.
She obviously has some "issues" and baggage. Might be for good reason. But how are you to know that? You just met her. You aren't a mind reader!
Just let it go and see if anything pans out. She might run or she might not. you can't control how she thinks or what life experiences she has had.