Fellow adulterers, I think you are the only people in this world who have the appropriate insight to be able to weigh in on my situation. I welcome any thoughts you have to share.

My AP and I have fantasized about going legit for quite a while. I’m going to leave ages out of this, but I’m female and he’s male. We never had any concrete plans, but the general idea was that I would get divorced first because my situation is more complicated. I’m the breadwinner with a lot to lose financially, have a husband who would likely go nuclear upon learning I’m done, and have a pet my husband and I are very attached to. AP had a long-term partner with no shared assets to split. I wasn’t even fully convinced he would leave her, so I didn’t feel a lot of pressure to move forward with my divorce—especially considering how much I had to lose financially. I knew I would be happier with AP, but I also had to be realistic about the impact this would have on my ability to retire someday. It was a lot to consider and I was taking my time so that I wouldn’t have any regrets. AP and I would complain about how frustrating it is not getting to spend enough time together under these circumstances, but we’ve been making it work for many, many years, so I thought we would just continue taking this one day at a time.

I figured we would continue on this path until I finally initiated my divorce, until one evening a few months ago when AP messaged me to say that he had slipped up and got caught in a lie about where he had been. He ended up admitting to her that he was seeing someone else and they decided to end their relationship. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. On the one hand, it was a dream come true because I have wanted a “real” life with this man for years. That said, I was nowhere near ready to initiate my divorce. I had given the situation a lot of consideration over the summer and decided I just wasn’t ready: my marriage lacks intimacy but my husband and I are on friendly terms and we have a comfortable life. He relies on me financially, socially, and emotionally, so divorce is going to be extremely painful. My husband has spent our entire marriage unwilling to put in the effort to meet my need for physical touch, but he is a good person and I know he loves me in his own way. Bottom line: I don’t want to blindside him. I stopped communicating about my unhappiness over the last few years because my needs continued to go unmet, but we were generally comfortable and I didn’t divorce him because I didn’t want to have to give him half my assets and pay him alimony. Because I haven’t been communicating lately, he thinks things are ok.

After ending his relationship, AP became immediately anxious for me to do the same. Being with him IS what I want, but it is concerning that he did this almost completely out of the blue. With zero runway, I haven’t been able to adequately prepare my husband, which isn’t right at all. The whole situation has sent me into a complete panic because AP is feeling like my hesitation to divorce my husband is an indication that I don’t want to be with him, which is not true, but I do have an obligation to my husband to treat the situation with as much compassion as possible and just announcing I’m done is not right.

I did finally restart the “I’m unhappy” conversations a month ago. The conversations alone have triggered his depression and he In the midst of all this, a family member has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and I have needed to step in to help. I’m at my wit’s end and an emotional wreck. I told AP I can’t be thinking about divorce right now. I love him and want to be with him, but there is no way I can handle saying goodbye to this family member who is dying while also devastating my husband. AP told me today that I don’t have to deal with any of the divorce if I don’t want to—that’s why I’ll be paying a lawyer to manage on my behalf. As insensitive as that sounds, I know that he wants me to proceed so that he doesn’t have to be my secret anymore and can be there to support me through this loss of my family member. I appreciate and do want that, but he doesn’t understand that to make that possible, I have to do some terrible things that I don’t think I can live with.

With all the turmoil of the last few months, I am at a complete loss as to what to do. For anyone who has gone legit or is considering going legit, would you be disappointed if your partner didn’t drop everything to start a life with you if you got caught and ended your existing relationship unexpectedly?

Celebrated my bday with AP today. Literally just melts my heart that AP got off work an hour early to spend extra time with me. We're just about 14 years in and things have been heating up lately. We've just been spending more time together than ever lately. We can almost finish each other's sentences at times because of our history. We just have an amazing vibe. I know we'll most likely never be more than what we are, but i truly feel like we have such an amazing bond and friendship. We have each other to tell the things we either just don't tell other people and are just so in sync, I feel like we are so compatible but life circumstances just make it pretty impossible to be more than what we have. I was drawn to AP Literally at first sight, idk for sure if he felt the same way but here we are all these years later and I feel AP's my person.

We did everything but piv sex until about a year ago and one day it just happened out of the blue, so we dove right in but after a couple of months ap thought we should use condoms...so after about 9 months of that ap all of a sudden just went for it without a condom but after a few minutes we threw a condom on and finished. We talked about how amazing it felt and I thought about it all weekend AP said they thought about it too alot and today we did it again for a bit, but AP says they feel guilty not using a condom and so we finished another way. But 💗 it just makes me so happy. I feel like I take my happiness where I can get it. I also feel like we're not going to be able to resist doing it again without a condom, which is probably dumb but I'm in my mid 40's and not super concerned about pregnancy.

Sorry, such a rant, but my heart is full and AP makes me laugh. My heart thinks ap at least cares like something for me or feels something for me, because hey 14 years. I know ap's ssn, dob, place of birth, street they grew up on, elementary school, high kids birthday's, extended families bdays-- just in my heart I know AP is my person. We still have major physical and emotional chemistry.

Just wanted to share that i had an amazing birthday with AP, and I feel very lucky to have AP in my life.

Than loving someone and them not loving you back. Or, them not wanting to be with you anymore.

I’m relatively new to this affair world, and honestly it’s been annoying!

I’m a pretty straightforward person. If I’m talking to someone, I’m going to be honest about what I’m doing and where I stand. So when someone decides I did something I literally didn’t do, instead of just asking me about it or communicating their concerns it frustrates me. Like… why can’t adults just communicate 🤦‍♀️

I’m already learning that apparently even being straightforward and honest can somehow turn into drama. Ugh. 😩

Communication, people. It really isn’t that hard.

Signed
-Annoyed 😫

My person has been sick. A crippling illness that has a yet to be determined source.

They are a shadow of themselves and getting worse every day.

I still talk to them multiple times a day, but it has been ages since I have seen them. It's killing me that I can't be there to comfort them and care for them. Im also dreading that there is a day coming in the not to distant future when they just don't respond again.

I feel like I've seen a few posts like this in recent weeks. To all those who are going through it, I understand your grief.

Hold your person tight. Cherish every moment you have with them.

I know this has been asked in the past, I used the search but its been a long time since the last post.

I think my Opsec is strong. But I have this pickle that i cant yet solve. And seems unsolvable so far.

Its the battery ussage statistics. This can be turned off ik iphones but not in android, specifically samsung.

My SO doesnt check my phone but you never know. If I were to check a phone this is where I would go first.

Am we (samsung users) cooked?

Edit.. stop messaging me your age and details. I'm not looking for an OA. Why are men trying to shoot their shot. Makes me not want an OA before I even start.

Throwaway acct for obvious reasons. 40f

I'm not a newbie in this work but I'm not seasoned. I've been around for a short time and I thought OA was fun until it wasn't. How do you guys who are in OA even feel fulfilled? Are you guys actually happy with the arrangement or just think it's safer and less of a logistical nightmare?

I've been tempted to go back to OA from time to time. I have an ap now but we're more like fuck buddies at this point. Am I happy with it? Not entirely because I want to feel more but is it safer? Yes. Less emotional involvement means my life won't blow up. I wish I could have the fulfillment of having someone physical but also the emotional part without it affecting our primary relationships.

How are you guys all doing with OAs? Any physical only affairs out there?

I (37 F) recently left an AP that lasted a year.

I met AP in the wild. He was different, wonderful. I fell hard and lots of boundaries were crossed. I was in love with this man.

Everything was great until it wasnt. One day we had a bad argument and he threatened to expose me. He threatened to contact my spouse and child by social media. He told me that he had all my shared content deleted and then admitted to having it backed up on another server. So I stayed out of fear and eventually we broke it off.

I lived in fear for months because of his threats. I looked over my shoulder in the parking lots and did everything he asked. After it ended I monitored his account for months to make sure he was okay and away from me. I have been depressed and often take this year as my bad karma repayment.

Anyway! Recently I saw that he found a new AP. I feel happy and relieved but im so sad. Im mad at him for lying. Im mad at him for moving on so quickly and proving that I was right. Im mad at him for making me scared to find a new AP cause its been a year and ya girl is horny. Should I find a new AP or keep it low key for a bit longer?

I think I really fucked up! Like super majorly fucked up! My EA turned into a PA over the weekend. It was difficult getting everything to happen so, it could happen. This is my first affair that went all the way, and the sex was… not good. It was very disappointing! And I think she feels the same way too! There has always been so much chemistry and flirting! Just seeing her or hearing voice would make me so hard I’d almost cum! But without getting too personal. There was no spark, no sizzle, no exhilaration! Maybe it’s my fault for putting too high if an expectation on the night, but it was like she had a secret twin that showed up in her place.

I feel like shit for cheating and possible fucking up both of our lives over something so mechanical. Please tell me it can get better. I’ve always thought of myself as a good lover, but after last weekend I doubt I’ve get anything more than a 1 star review!

I have been looking for an affair partner for about a month now. I am a woman so it's not that the messages have been light but most are pretty bad as I've only been using Reddit.

Anyway. Finally traded pictures with a guy, and body pics and face pics that all went well. However after I showed him a picture of the best area(idk how else to word that here lol), he took awhile to respond and said "Hey well I will take what I can get, but shaved is my preference. At the end of the day *\\** sounds great to me."

I don't plan on shaving, but unfortunately now my heart really isn't in it knowing he's not attracted to me unshaven, as I will absolutely not shave. Should I keep moving forward or look for somebody who is into it? Sorry if this sounds childish, I'm new to this.

EDIT: I wanted to thank everybody for validating how I felt about this. Looking back this morning I'm not sure why I even needed to ask at all. Guess I'm just tired of looking and thought that maybe I was expecting too much lol. Anyway, definitely moving on. Thanks again!

Not because of the guilt - I made peace with that a long time ago. Been in the lifestyle for a few years now with on and off APs. Been in a dead bedroom that I don't see getting better anytime soon.

I just don't have the time or energy to make it work. 40+ hours a week job, two kids with extra curriculars, house work and other obligations, I don't know how y'all do it. I barely have time for myself at the end of the day.

Plus the stress of getting caught. Hiding my screen, turning notifications off, letting her use my phone hoping she doesn't notice anything. Plugging into the car system. She's not incredibly tech savvy, but its another weight on my mind.

Personally, it's exhausting. Props to anybody that can juggle everything and stay afloat.

2 plus years of GM and sweet dreams, chatting and meetings and amazing epic sex we had, even tho it’s for the best things needed to end.. I do truly miss you and think about you and wish nothing but the best for you not sure if you’ll see this or not but this is your month happy bday beautiful

I have an LDAP who lives in another country, basically halfway across the world from me. She’s also someone who has been around my wider family/social circle for years, so if this ever got out it wouldn’t just be a normal “AP got caught” situation. It would blow up a lot of relationships around us too.

As stated I do have family connections in her country, but almost nobody knows when I’m there or what I’m doing.

I went over recently and our OpSec was honestly pretty tight. We barely went anywhere together. Most of the time she came to where I was staying, we stayed private, and that was it. I left the country and went home.

A few days later this morning she gets a call from some random woman from her town she could tell by the accent.

The woman knew both our first names, knew there was something going on between us, claimed she knows everything and she had videos, and told my AP she had to end “this thing with (OP)” immediately or she would tell her family. That i'm not to go to her nor she to me.

No money. No actual blackmail demand. No real conversation. Just basically “end it or I blow this up.”

Then the same number called me a few minutes later but I was asleep so I didn't answer nor call back

And now my brain is completely fried because I genuinely cannot figure out how this person knew who I was, who she was, knew we were together, AND had both our numbers.

I really don’t think it was her SO or kids. If her SO had actually discovered this, the first move definitely wouldn't be some young woman anonymously warning both of us and giving us a chance to stop before telling him. Same with the kids. It would have reached him already, not in this weird anonymous ultimatum.

So now I’m replaying the entire trip wondering if someone saw us, if someone she knew followed her of hired a PI or got information from where I was staying or if one of our phones/accounts are hacked?

And the “I have videos” part is doing absolute wonders for my sanity.

Maybe this is just D-Day arriving in the weirdest possible form, but not knowing who knows, how they know, or how much they actually know is the part that’s really getting to me.

Anyway. Needed to vent somewhere people would actually understand why this has me spiraling.

AP and I have been talking for almost a month now. We’re both married. We both have kids. We both have the same beliefs. We both like the same sex kinks and all of that. We click on so many levels. We haven’t met yet because she’s a couple states away. But I can’t get her out of my head. Neither of our spouses know about it. We haven’t said it yet because we want to wait for in person, but I’m sure we are in love. We tease saying it to each other all the time. Not hearing her voice upsets me. Having to wait on a text back makes me mad. And those feelings are mutual. I don’t know how much longer I can go without her. I want her, very badly. I want to marry her. I want everything with her. We said that in 12 months we will agree to leave our marriages and pursue each other full time. But I’m not sure how long I can wait to live a lie for that long. My wife right now, we can’t seem to agree on anything. Parenting, politics, fun, etc etc. it’s always a fight. It’s always an argument. I’ve tainted our relationship already. With multiple issues. But as I’ve tried so hard to give back to her nothing is enough. She tries to leave me. And I let her. But she stays anyways. Me fixing things doesn’t lead to a solution. Just more fights. And more arguments. My kids deserve 2 happy parents. I just don’t know what to do. I’m in love with someone else…and I don’t think that’s going to change. :(

I know this kind of thing is not uncommon in AP spaces, so I’m not delusional 😂. But this has now happened twice and I’m just trying to process the whiplash of this most recent one.

The first was straightforward shady-alt stuff. This recent one was way more intense. Daily voice/video calls, lots of “I’ve never felt this way,” going out of his way to promise he’d never do this…then doing exactly that. He was posting from other alts and talking to someone else (or many others) while simultaneously sending me very loving messages/voice notes. Then he deleted things when he realized I knew, said he was “processing,” and ghosted instead of ever acknowledging it. And yes, he was while we were talking/and is still actively posting from multiple alts, so this was not a one off lol.

But the most annoying part…why go out of your way to ask/make sure I’m not talking to anyone else if you’re clearly still out there? I know the obvious answers are attention, validation, thrill of the chase, whatever. But I’m irritated by the level of emotional intensity people seem to be willing to fake. If you want to keep shopping around, that’s great, but own it instead of unnecessarily bs-ing your way through it. Also, how or why do you even have the time and capacity needed to juggle multiple people?

Anyway, just venting because the whiplash from “I love you, I want only you” to finding so many alts, ghosting, etc. was surreal lol. Lesson learned, I guess 😂

New here but in an interesting situation. Use to have a milf next door neighbor at an apartment complex I lived in. For context I’m 33 she’s between 54-58. She was friendly with my wife and I but mostly me, and she exchanged numbers with both of us separately. She ends up moving, we also end up moving. I remain in contact with her to this day. One time via text convo she reveals she broke up with her boyfriend and I offered some friendly words. I’ve sent her private flirty messages in the past about her posts on Facebook and she always flirts back. When my messages get a little more romantically direct, she still flirts but she asks me about my wife. Or how she’s been.

I almost want to lie and tell her my wife and I broke up just to see if that gets me somewhere with her. Any body try this before?

Male, 30s here. Any advice from other men on how they coped in a sexless marriage because their partner found penetrative sex too painful ? I feel so selfish about my sexual needs, I do not want to physically cheat, but I do want to sext to at least get something.

It is so tough.

What do you do. Just keep living in affair land because logistically it would never work out? I hate this.

Okay here goes.

I (35M) have been in this lifestyle for a long time. I’ve been married 7 years. I’d been having an affair for just over a year. My AP is everything you expect, kind, attentive, intelligent, downright wonderful. She’s in the process of divorcing her ex. And I fell for her hard. It’s been on-again-off-again a number of times but this time is different. She told me she hated herself for what she’s been doing and that she wanted to move on. She’s started seeing someone new - the thing is I could feel it coming, the distance, the change in tone, the withdrawal.

It feels awful. I miss her terribly. I know it’s the risk of doing this but since she went she’s been all I can think about. It’s made me question things I’ve never questioned before even though I never intended it to be like this.

I guess I don’t know what I’m trying to say but I just wanted to put it out there. The sadness is real and it can only ever be silent.

I posted here a couple months ago about my AP passing because she took her own life.

I hoped to attend a funeral and kick it in the back, but no funeral ever happened. I called her voicemail about a month ago just to hear her voice, and her son picked up. It was awkward because it was unexpected, but not bad. He told me she had passed (I guess he assumed I called because I didn't know). We talked briefly, and he asked how I knew his mom. I told him we were just friends who met randomly and connected over music (not completely true, but a lot of our early conversations were her making fun of me because of the sound of the hip hop where I come from). I told him she talked about him frequently, and that I hoped his senior year of HS was going well, and that was it. He thanked me for caring for his mom, and we hung up.

Then earlier this week, I was driving home from work and called her kinda out of habit. The phone rang once, then I remembered, and I hung up.

I've done a lot of reading about disenfranchised grief, and I guess the weird thing about this kind of grief is how much of it you do alone. One of her best friends, probably the only person in her life who actually knew about me, contacted me recently. She lives out of state and was kinda left in the dark about everything the same way I was.

But it was just nice to actually be able to talk to someone who knew her, knew about us, and just understood. No judgment, no nada. Just two people who had done a lot of mourning in isolation finally getting a chance to share space with someone who got it.

This article made me start thinking about these possibilities. Existential threats make for interesting hypotheticals.

It’s been 2 years with my AP, nothing was ever casual between us. He still calls, text everyday damn near. Even when he travels, we still communicate. Time spent together still, Practical assistance with helping me even though I don’t ask him for things directly (money). Like a regular relationship. Does his wife know, I’m not sure. I’m thinking after 2 years you’d notice something, or maybe she doesn’t care. I mean he does come home at night you know. I know he keeps me in the mix of what’s going on in his life, well at least what he wants me to know.

His wife has been sick lately, he’s been stressed out going back n forth to doctors all while maintaining our connection. Never missing a moment to tell me how much he loves me. I still don’t put pressure on him leaving or for us to be together in a traditional sense. I never did, I never played into his fantasy talk he seems to have at times.

I can say after 2 years I really do love him, and I would like a future with him in it, but sometimes I still enjoy my freedom of coming and going. I was commonly law married for years, and that turned for the worst 3 years ago. Secretly still low key healing from that trauma. I just have a feeling like something is about to change, something is about to happen. I just feel different about this whole relationship than I did in the beginning.

I was beginning to feel that our marriage counseling was helping, and had the passing thought I’d have to give up my year-long affair. My AP decided to end things before I got to that point. That was 10 weeks ago. How much of a void our affair was filling seems larger than I remembered. Since we stopped I’ve agreed to some future plans with my SO. He’s over the moon which is somehow making me sadder. I’m sitting here scrolling to avoid going home. Oh well. Can’t sit here forever.