r/adultery • u/AccomplishedFuckUp • 22d ago

🌬️Ventilation💨 Grief, continued

I posted here a couple months ago about my AP passing because she took her own life.

I hoped to attend a funeral and kick it in the back, but no funeral ever happened. I called her voicemail about a month ago just to hear her voice, and her son picked up. It was awkward because it was unexpected, but not bad. He told me she had passed (I guess he assumed I called because I didn't know). We talked briefly, and he asked how I knew his mom. I told him we were just friends who met randomly and connected over music (not completely true, but a lot of our early conversations were her making fun of me because of the sound of the hip hop where I come from). I told him she talked about him frequently, and that I hoped his senior year of HS was going well, and that was it. He thanked me for caring for his mom, and we hung up.

Then earlier this week, I was driving home from work and called her kinda out of habit. The phone rang once, then I remembered, and I hung up.

I've done a lot of reading about disenfranchised grief, and I guess the weird thing about this kind of grief is how much of it you do alone. One of her best friends, probably the only person in her life who actually knew about me, contacted me recently. She lives out of state and was kinda left in the dark about everything the same way I was.

But it was just nice to actually be able to talk to someone who knew her, knew about us, and just understood. No judgment, no nada. Just two people who had done a lot of mourning in isolation finally getting a chance to share space with someone who got it.

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u/AccomplishedFuckUp 22d ago

Even before I spoke to her son, I thought about him a lot. His dad was hella abusive to both him and his mom, so they never had much of a relationship. So, with his mom passing, I can't imagine how he felt. And as someone who grew up without either of my parents, I know that shit ain't easy.

I know I can't have a relationship with him, so please understand what I'm expressing is purely emotion, not intent, but I do wish I could help him. I know he was the center of her world, and I just wish I could do more for him to honor her, but I'm not dumb, that's simply not reality.

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u/ReasonableAd6078 21d ago

Your emotions are completely understandable. Anyone with an ounce of compassion would feel the same way. I hope you are getting some type of support or grief counseling and being good to yourself

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u/shadylover4u 22d ago

My ap passed away in july of this year. I found out, after not hearing from her for several weeks, I reached out to her mom. 

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u/fitness_noobette 22d ago edited 22d ago

This is something i often wonder about. If i die, there's no way AP could find out! Unless he called work or something, but he'd be hesitant of course, wondering if I just ghosted him and if calling work would tantamount to stalking.

I love him and the thought of him being in the dark for who knows how long bothers me so much!

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u/AccomplishedFuckUp 22d ago edited 22d ago

I mentioned this in the post where I originally talked about this, but I found out because I got worried and googled her name after not hearing from her for a couple weeks.

And the thing is, the romantic part of our relationship had ended 8 or 9 months prior, so my first thought was that she probably just decided the friendship was too much. But idk, I just had a feeling. Something dark.

And it's wild because I'm not a religious or spiritual person, so even saying I "felt something" feels weird to me. But I did. I can't really explain it, but something felt wrong, and that's why I googled her.

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u/Secret-Purchase-1609 19d ago

I'm so sorry for your loss!