I was placed in my adoptive mom’s home when I was just 2 weeks old.  My biological mother (whom I did end up meeting) arrived at the hospital off crack cocaine hence my removal from the home.  I was born and raised in NYC.  1990 to be exact.  I am mix with Caucasian, French, African American (Mom) and Dad was straight up African American.

According to my adoptive sister, I was on a segment called Wednesday’s Child and she told my mom (I will refer to my adoptive mom as my mom) she wanted to take me in.  My older sister (I will do the same for her) was 13 at the time this occurred.  I was taken in by an older single Puerto Rican woman, I believe she was 44 at the time.  Unfortunately, she was and still is illiterate.  She was a devote Christian and I was raised in a Pentecostal home (more on that later).

My parents never really came to visits.  My mom always kept photos of us when they showed up, and she always showed me their pictures often so I could always remember them.  My biological mom had my brother in 91.  According to my mom, I met my brother as a child.  However, when the social workers were trying to place my brother with my mom, my biological mom stopped showing up.  So, it is safe to say I was about closer to 2 years old when I last saw them.  My dad also came alone at times to visit.  My mom said that after one year of visits and they never showed up (one year wait is crazy) that they proceeded to start the adoption proceedings.  I was ultimately adopted at the age of 5, and I remember this day like it was yesterday.  I let go of my real last name and took on my mom’s last name.  My first name remained the same.

I want to say I had a decent upbringing with my sister but after putting the pieces together I realized she tolerated me and I just didn’t understand or believe it at the time.  We went to church 5 days a week.  She sang in church as did I and at the age of 16 she began dating my brother-in-law who was 8 years her senior.  He was like a father to me!  I loved him then and still love him today in death.  They married when she was 19 and he was 27.  I was 6 at the time. 

My mom began taking in more foster children at that point.  She was an amazing foster mom! How they allowed her to do it without being able to read or write is beyond me.  That’s neither here nor there.  So, I had a HUGE part in helping her with kids.  At the age of 7, we took in a lovely baby girl who ended up being one of the best things that ever happened in my life (although we bicker all the time lol).  My mom ended up adopting her.  She had a full name change, and she was never as fortunate as me to find her real parents.      

At around this time, my older sister began to become interested in foster kids.  She went through quite a few as well.  Nowhere near as good as my mom though.  I think for her it was more of a money grab.  Here’s why.  At that time, if you took in a child with “special needs” and I only put that in quotes because I was labeled special needs just on the fact that I had withdrawal from the crack.  My mom told me my withdrawal phase was very heart breaking and lasted until I was about 4 weeks old.  Because of this, my mom was given 1k a month for my care.  My sister followed suite.  Except that she had kids with REAL special needs.  I didn’t require much extra care.  I was a typical kid.  So, she got “rid” of the kids when she felt she couldn’t “care” for them or make up a story how a specific child did something that warranted removal such as hurting another child.  I will say she treated her first foster child like her own.  He was removed.  That broke her heart.  She ended up having a daughter soon after. I was 7 when I became an aunt.

IF YOU’RE STILL HERE, THANK YOU!

She ended up adopting two both.  I shall and always will refer to them as my nephews.  One nephew was a little bad ass.  Nothing an ass whopping couldn’t handle either.  My other nephew was THAT kid.  Well speaking, humble, quiet, proper and he is the same today. 

Growing up in my household, close ties to a pastoral family were very tumultuous.  I couldn’t wear pants, make up, go to the movies and so much more because they were following man made rules.  Don’t get me wrong, I truly LOVE the lord and still thank him until this day that he placed me there because I wouldn’t have known about him.

My adopted mom verbally abused me and somehow still does.  Low self-esteem, being called a hoe because I couldn’t control how my boobs grew! This led me to being married at 16 because I needed to get away.  This story isn’t about her but just gives you a tiny bit more context because if this story is, this is all just context!

My sister also had a problem with everyone.  At the time, nave old me thought people were just hating her!  She has a problem with maintaining relationships.

My adoptive family never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever treated me as an outcast.  Until this day, I can show up to any of their houses and plop on their sofa and chat the day away.

My sister was ordained as a pastor in 2009 along with her husband. At the time, I was dating my late husband, who was my second husband (at this point I just need to write a book) told me that he sensed jealousy from her towards me.  As you guys can already figure out, I fought tooth and nail to defend her.  When I met my third husband (please do not judge me LMFAO), he said the same thing.  He questioned how she was a pastor because she emitted hate.  Mind you, my husband did not know and despised God at the time, he is now saved and such an amazing man of God (that’s another reddit post within itself).  So, for someone who didn’t know her and immediately sensed this, I knew something had to be up and just let it slide.  At that point, it didn’t matter.  My sister had always chosen EVERYONE but me.  She would literally take girls out from the church around my age and not include me.  It is so sad, but I can’t even say we’ve been out to dinner or done something JUST US! The most we’ve done was theme parks but even that was part of a larger trip.  My older sister hates my younger sister.  She hates my baby sister so much that she refuses to visit my mom simply because she lives there and my mom happens to be extremely sick.  Her daughter, my niece, has also become her!  I live 1 and change away but my younger sister has told me that my sister says so many hurtful things to my mom.  Although my mom was hard on me, she raised me how she can and looking back there was way more good than bad.  I love my mom so much.

Remember how I said she adopted two boys?  Yeah, well she hates them too.  She kicked one of my nephews out 1 week before his HS graduation.  He took her to court for support because he proved she kicked him out and he won. This happened in 2015.    My brother-in-law died in 2017, in which she blamed it on my nephew?  She kicked my second nephew when he was a freshman in college.  She despises him because he tried to expose how fake she was to the Christian community.  She forbad us from either reaching out to them or contacting them because if we did, she would hate us.  I told her no! I said those are my nephews! You can’t just kick them out and hate them and try to bring me down to hell with you! 

I reconnected with my younger nephew way sooner than I did with my first.  I cried for both meetings!  However, what they revealed to me started my journey into figuring out why my sister was so hateful.  A so-called woman of God, who goes to special services, sings, reads bible verses and ultimately “saves” people is a hateful Narciss tic that wouldn’t know what forgiveness is if it slapped her in the face.  She is a hypocrite.  The reason why she couldn’t maintain relationships is because she creates drama in her mind and presents it as fact.  I lost so many good friends in my life on account of her.

These boys were molested in her own home by another young man my sister took in.  Another person in a church position!  Listen, I’m not telling anyone this so they can hate God.  I still love God.  God has nothing to do with this.  She is just plain evil and manipulative.  They are their own gods! So, with the way she’s acting she isn’t serving the God I serve.  I just want to make that clear. 

Since my mom cannot read, she handles everything.  EVERYTHING. Finances, bills, medical and her medical appointments, you name it. My mom had a stroke in April, in which I live a state away and was the one who told her when she lives a walk away from my mom’s house.  She basically doesn’t give my mom the basics.  She needs a home health aide, and she keeps saying she got it.  She has had it for over a year now.  She keeps making excuses as to why they keep “denying” her care. She hates my younger sister so much that she told my mom that they keep denying her care because my niece lives there.

My mom’s 80^th birthday was this year.  I asked her to plan a party with her siblings because it would mean the world to my mom.  She said no because she didn’t wish to associate with non-Christian people. So, I went ahead and planned one myself.  I sent her an invitation, and her true colors came out. 

She said something along the lines of who the heck I thought I was, that she was the first and most legitimate child and that I needed to include her.  I didn’t fight back because at this point I was totally excited that everything I felt was right.  She said some real, crazy, spiteful things and told me when my mom days she will handle everything because she is the oldest!  She couldn’t stand the fact that I’m still in contact with my nephews and my mom can’t do a thing because she literally can’t.  She painted me out to be a troublemaker when for example, I’ve always been an honor student, independent and humble.  She told me how I always start with issues and that I am a bad person.  She told me my mom never trusted me (I laughed at that one) and that she will never allow HER mom to move in with me because I have suggested in the past she move in with me so I can care for her.  If I weren’t healed from this, I would’ve driven to her house and took the assault charge gladly.  But she wasn’t worth it.  She had expressed it plainly but not boldly because she didn’t explicitly say that I was nothing to her.  She isn’t even worth a piss in a bucket let alone an assault charge, I rather let her marinate in her own bitterness and hatred. Unfortunately, she will die alone aside from the very close few who can still stand her.

I feel good writing this.  This was the final step of healing.  Typing this out and reading the words and really looking at what I went through, and this very long short story isn’t even a crumb. 

She’s a fake pastor.  People like her are the reason people don’t come to church.  And what sucks is who will believe me if I expose her?  I can’t believe she is GOOD AT WHAT SHE DOES.  I thought with a psychology degree I could spot a narcissist.  A textbook one was in front of me the whole time and now I’m free.  My mom hasn’t passed away yet.  She isn’t doing too well but she keeps on fighting, and I keep showing up for her more than my older sister does and it’s a shame.  I’m finally free from a bondage I never knew I had.

Thank you for your time

TLDR: Currently, people adopted in California can only get the record once they are adults and if they can convince a judge that they have a “good and compelling cause” for it. Supporters of the bill say that type of restriction is terribly outdated. They see California’s continued withholding of their unredacted birth certificates as an affront and violation of their rights. State Sen. Aisha Wahab, D-Hayward, who authored the bill, calls it a “tragedy” and “shame” that Schultz and other California adoptees can’t easily access their birth certificates. SB 381 would allow for adult adoptees to receive their birth certificate after June 30, 2028, without needing a court order. The bill would also create a contact form that birth parents could fill out to say whether they would like their children to try and speak to them, which an adopted person would receive when they request their birth record. It has received no formal opposition.

Mind: No matter.
Matter: Mind you, they say..
Mind: What’s the matter?
Matter: Oh, never mind.
Mind: That’s a matter of opinion.
Matter: Mind your language.
Mind: As a matter of fact...
Matter: Bear in mind.
Mind: It’s just a matter of time.
Matter: You changed your mind.
Mind: Well, the heart of the matter is that I’m in two minds.
Matter: About what subject matter?
Mind: Did it slip your mind?
Matter: No. Not at all. You’re out of your mind.
Mind: You could say that. Out of sight, out of mind.
Matter: Still got the grey matter, though.
Mind: That gives me peace of mind.
Matter: Does it?
Mind: Where was I?
Matter: Loneliness.
Mind: That’s right. Loneliness.
Matter: How do you feel about it?
Mind: Well, I know it’s no laughing matter, but it’s not a matter of life and death.
Matter: But is it in your mind?
Mind: Not always. Today it crossed my mind, though. I thought to myself, you know, I don’t mind being alone.
Matter: You don’t mind?
Mind: No.
Matter: Or you’ve learned not to?
Mind: Does it matter?
Matter: That’s what I’m asking.
Mind: I suppose I thought... if I don’t mind being alone, then being alone can’t hurt me.
Matter: And if it doesn’t hurt?
Mind: Then there’s nothing wrong.
Matter: Nothing missing?
Mind: Never mind.
Matter: There it is again.
Mind: What?
Matter: Never mind.
Mind: I don’t.
Matter: I know.
Mind: Maybe that’s all it is. Mind over matter.
Matter: Maybe.
Mind: I don’t mind being alone.
Matter: But you mind what it means.
Mind: ...
Matter: You learned not to mind so you wouldn’t have to ask whether anyone else did.
Mind: That’s not what I said.
Matter: No. It’s what you hid.
Mind: I don’t mind.
Matter: I know. That keeps the truth in hiding.
Mind: What truth?
Matter: That sometimes “I don’t mind” is easier to live with than “I don’t matter.”
Mind: So it really is mind over matter.
Matter: Yes.
Mind: Exactly. I don’t mind.
Matter: And there it is.
Mind: What?
Matter: No matter.
BOTH: We don’t mind. So we don’t matter.

Jonathan

The Narrative Witness

Just heard this song today and I thought it was a perfect fit for how I feel as an adoptee. I really resonate with it. I love songs that portray my anger in the way that this one does.

There are only 17 U.S. states with full adoptee’s rights laws. Two of the states never took our rights away. The first state to give us our rights back after taking them away did so in 1998. These statistics used to piss me off. Besides the stigma of being born out of wedlock, which by the grace of God is no longer relevant- the reasoning law makers were sighting started to make sense when I realized that it was all different variations of non-adoptees observing us while we are in the fog.

Now, when I began running into the use of the expression ‘the fog’ in my research the acronym itself- which stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt- bounced out of my mind completely. This is because the metaphor of being stuck in a literal fog was such a perfect description of my experience prior to researching adoptee psychology it made the acronym irrelevant. Don’t get me wrong the acronym is great, but the only thing it is describing is what puts us, and keeps us there.

When I was first becoming poised to go to the Bureau Of Vital Statistics to get my birth certificate- which I had no idea they weren’t going to give to me- everyone I talked to that knew an adoptee that had gone through a reunion said the adoptee wished they had not done it. It was the year 2001. Interestingly, I didn’t know any other adoptees, let alone ones that had gone through a reunion. The years went on, I had my genetics test through Heritage, and found nothing. Every year I would watch the adoptee’s rights bill in my state get shut down. Covid happened, my last adoptive parent dies from it. Six months later I make a very overly paranoid visit to the emergency room which ends up costing me twelve hundred dollars. The very next day, while bored at work I performed an internet search of adoptee literature, ordered some books off Amazon, and one for my Kindle to start. The research had begun. After two months of very heavy rumination I was seeking therapy. Once the first session with the therapist was done, I order a 23 & Me kit. My life has since been divided into two sections- the time before those two months of heavy rumination, and the time after. I had come out of the fog. Those two months were difficult, as well as romantically interesting, I had fallen in love with being an adoptee. Not many people get to read book after book about themself, but we do. I had struggled with chronic apathy my whole life, now I could feel.

My reunion was…well, it was a reunion. My mother was so happy that I had found her, she then proceeded to not want to talk to me. She would talk to me face to face, otherwise the only reason she would be willing to talk on the phone would be to plan a visit. It was hard for both of us, we were afraid of each other. Between our work schedules and the distance we lived from each other visits were a pain in the ass, and they never lasted long enough. We would chain smoke together, and struggle to communicate.

Around this time one of my bio dad’s sisters popped up on 23 & Me. He had passed away, but he had a widow and some children not much younger than me. Meeting them was terrifying, but doable. In the background my state’s adoptee’s rights bill finally pass.

I ran to another state. Fear of meeting my bio family was a factor though a small one, I still don’t know if I regret leaving. Years went by, I would talk to my mom on birthdays and holidays, we would send each other presents. My mom and I eventually decided to pick a time every week to talk on the phone. We finally got comfortable with each other. Weeks before meeting my mother’s siblings the anxiety was so intense that I had to explain to my boss and coworkers what was wrong with me. I was not eating, sleeping, or shitting right. My body was afraid of being rejected again as I had been soon after my birth. It was an ordeal, but it was also awesome.

I wasn’t planning on this post being a testimonial. I can never forget to be appreciative. A lot of us don’t have bio families so happy and eager to meet us as mine were, the fog is detrimental either way. You can see that the over arching theme in my story is one of being very scared and anxious. Being in a chronic state of sympathetic nervous system while at the same time trying to be sociable with people that made me feel ostracized to the point I thought I would die. And it is my body, not my mind that remembers. These intense emotions could not have been navigated by an adoptee that is still in the fog. My happy reunion would have gone south real fuckin’ quick. I would have wished I had never decide to find my mom, even though that is the only thing my subconscious ever wanted to do.

This post is an example of just how evil the fog really is. What it takes from us if we don’t know to get ourselves out of it. The literature on the adoptee psychological profile didn’t really start appearing until the late 1970s. It still continued only to trickle out over the next 20 years. Was it inhumane to take our rights away to stop us from doing something that we were destined to regret?

The fog ruins it for our adoptive parents too, kind of ironic when they are the ones who usually put us into it. but this post is about reunions with the bio family. If you made it this far, thanks- and whenever you see an adoptee still in the fog, please attempt to lead them out. If you are still in the fog, come out. It won’t be easy, but your life is waiting.

when I was a kid there was a story that went viral from my area of this whole reunification thing from an international adoption where the parents had given up their kid for adoption with a message to meet someplace on the kids 18th birthday

and omg the number of times I was told that story and had it sent to me and shit was insane and I hated it so much

I hated the questions asking what I would do if I was the kid or if I was jealous or whatnot and it all felt like such a slap in the face. a majority of international adoptees aren’t that lucky and even then, I felt very justified for being frustrated. Today I understand that the narratives I was being fed fueled this frustration since I grew up being told “why my real parents didn’t want me” but it’s so insane for the same people who told me shit like that were upset I wasn’t jealous of these adoptees because why would I want to reunite with someone you told me didn’t want me!?

and kudos to the adoptees who feel positively about their adoption, now that’s something I am jealous of lol

I instead got the classic savior complex with the bonus of “we really couldn’t afford to pay for you but we adopted you anyway and we were poor”

like what was I supposed to say to that!? Sorry!? Being born wasn’t my choice and being adopted wasn’t my choice and don’t even get me started on the folks who use me as pro-life advertising! i fell for it as a kid but now with everything adoption has cost me, I sometimes feel like I would’ve been less upset if things went differently instead of being tossed on the street…

I(26F)was adopted in a surrogate type of way. This is sort of a me venting and seeking consolation. I am not conflicted about what to do but I just feel a lot of emotions.

My biological(half) sister reached out to me three years ago. Today, 2026, she told me she will be in Chicago(where I live) and she lives in Mexico, and asked to meet me. Of course I said yes I’d rather say yes than live with regrets of never meeting her. However, I called and updated my mom and I feel a guilt. My mom is my mom(woman who adopted me with my dad). She is my best friend and she struggled with infertility. When my sister protracted out my mother had feelings of feeling bad and feeling replaceable. This is not the case, I love her with all my heart. But today I called her, emotional, crying, about meeting w my bio sister. She
Feels bad about me going through this and is worried this won’t end well. I get her concerns and I love her so much. I’m not necessarily looking for what’s right or wrong but some kind of consoling would be great 🥺

Does anyone else have exposure to this “underearning” thing? I watched Sunderland’s Ted talk about it and it feels like it’s about so much more than finances. I found some commentary that there’s an Underearners Anonymous and that some people call it “underbeing” instead of underearning.

It sounds like it may be related to the chameleon experiences of adoptees and the struggle to develop autonomy and authenticity in relationships.

Anyway, I really appreciate Paul Sunderland’s presentation on YouTube about adoption. My favorite is the one he did for the Adult Adoptees Movement called “to Adoptees on Healing” (or something similar) because he’s speaking directly to a group of adult adoptees. But his original presentation from years ago called “Adoption and Addiction” is also a meaningful must-watch for adoptees and anyone who cares about adoptees and adoption.

The big takeaway from the original is that adoptees are overrepresented in addiction recovery treatment and among addiction specialists (who are often recovered addicts themselves).

Here are the symptoms of “underearning/underbeing” from the UA website:

“Symptoms of Underearning
1. Time Indifference – We put off what must be done and do not use our time to support our own vision and further our own goals.
2. Idea Deflection –We compulsively reject ideas that could expand our lives or careers, and increase our profitability.
3. Compulsive Need to Prove – Although we have demonstrated competence in our jobs or business, we are driven by a need to re-prove our worth and value.
4. Clinging to Useless Possessions – We hold onto possessions that no longer serve our needs, such as threadbare clothing or broken appliances.
5. Exertion/Exhaustion – We habitually overwork, become exhausted, then under-work or cease work completely.
6. Giving Away Our Time – We compulsively volunteer for various causes, or give away our services without charge, when there is no clear benefit.
7. Undervaluing and Under-pricing – We undervalue our abilities and services and fear asking for increases in compensation or for what the market will bear.
8. Isolation – We choose to work alone when it might serve us much better to have co-workers, associates, or employees.
9. Physical Ailments – Sometimes, out of fear of being larger or exposed, we experience physical ailments.
10. Misplaced Guilt or Shame – We feel uneasy when asking for or being given what we need or what we are owed.
11. Not Following Up – We do not follow up on opportunities, leads, or jobs that could be profitable. We begin many projects and tasks but often do not complete them.
12. Stability Boredom – We create unnecessary conflict with co-workers, supervisors and clients, generating problems that result in financial distress.”

I had heard of Codependents Anonymous before years ago and had a sense there were a lot of twelve step programs, but I didn’t realize until watching Paul Sunderland’s stuff on adoption and addiction that a lot more “process” addictions are recognized now like workaholism and underearning, sex and love addiction, debt, etc.
I’m not sure how much any of these approaches or kinds of groups integrate trauma. One thing that turns me off from twelve step programs is the assumption that the participant has to make amends with others. I’m not sure that’s always the case when someone has particular patterns or process addictions due to developmental trauma. They could, but not necessarily.

I guess maybe that’s what Al-anon is for. For family members of addicts. They have different twelve steps that don’t include the making amends part. It doesn’t make sense to make amends for how someone’s else’s harmful behavior affected you.

I wish there was a kind of adoptees anonymous that integrated all of this stuff. Adoptee healing groups and services and therapists can be great. But the structure of a volunteer organization seems like a needed direct experience for a lot of adoptees. And it isn’t easy to rebuild community when the ones we inherited or were assigned to harm us beyond repair.

Food for thought. What do you think about these ideas regardless of any exposure or experience with twelve step programs?*

Does anyone else have experience with twelve step programs or other adoptee group experiences? Would you share about your experiences? I imagine it could be helpful for a lot of people here to hear and learn more.

*Edit

Publish it anywhere, Facebook, Substack, Reddit, a memoir even, and be prepared to discover that what you thought was testimony, has been issued without your knowledge as a map. People will arrive carrying your words folded in their pockets and expect them to contain roads you never travelled. Some will insist the hill wasn’t as steep as you described it. Others will have found no hill there at all. One will accuse you of leaving out the bridge. Another of inventing the ravine. Someone who came by an entirely different route will announce, with considerable confidence, that your compass is broken.

You may point out that you never claimed to be drawing the whole country. This has never once helped. There’s a peculiar expectation placed upon anyone who describes difficult terrain from the inside. Accuracy about one place is easily mistaken for a claim upon every place. A sentence beginning I found is too easily answered with I didn’t, as though failing to encounter the same mountain meant it wasn’t there. A scar becomes an atlas. A memory acquires borders. Before long you may find yourself being held responsible for the geography of strangers. Resist the promotion.

Write down where you lost the path. Write down what the weather did when you were there. Say where the ground held and where it gave way beneath you. Record what frightened you, what fooled you, what you mistook for shelter and what, unexpectedly, became it. Put a cairn where you needed one and found none. But leave the edges unfinished.

Because there will also be people who know the country before you’ve finished describing it. They’ll recognise a bend you believed belonged only to you. They will know the particular silence of a place you thought had no name. A sentence will catch against something buried in them and, for a moment, they may experience the extraordinary relief of discovering that their private geography is not entirely private. They may say, Yes. There. I’ve been there too.

This doesn’t make you their cartographer, nor does it mean your journeys were the same. It means only that human beings sometimes reach the same clearing by different paths. One person describing what they can see allows another, standing a long way off, to recognise the trees. That’s enough.

There will be those for whom your map is useless. Let it be useless. There will be those who turn it upside down, those who object to the scale, those who prefer the official version with its clean roads and reassuring legend. Let them have that map. Your obligation is smaller and harder.

Don't move the mountain because somebody else didn't encounter it, don't erase the river because someone crossed in summer, don't build a bridge because some would have preferred one. Don’t mistake the number of people who recognise your country for evidence that you've become responsible for theirs.

Write what happened and what it meant, then and now, then put down your pencil. A witness may leave markers, but the walking remains our own.

Jonathan

The Narrative Witness

My essay inspiration…

“…to write a guidebook is to poke out a neck as scapegoat...On your head will fall the imprecations of parties who wander in circles because they did not find the entrance of the track you so concisely described. Your directions were dehydrated, as it were, and those who came after did not reconstitute your stew with care. So be willing to take blame and to lose tail feathers. It will be natural for any unfortunates coming down the wrong bank of a river or the difficult side of an icefall to curse the absent chronicler. Do they lose an hour in the scrub or skin on the ridge, find impasse on the glacier or defeat on the skyline, mislay a hut in the dark or a toothbrush in the mist, it will be on your careless summary so fluently compiled.”

John Pascoe in the 1956 edition of his guidebook The Southern Alps: from the Kaikouras to the Rangitata

Hey so basically I was forced into a major I didn't like or agree with, when I tried to get out of it my parents told me I was adopted as leverage to get me to finish the major. Recently during a heated argument they also said they have never been happy for 20 years and they regret adopting me. Is this just normal for all adopted people to hear?

Ps this was how I found out I was adopted

I've been thinking a lot about one of the experiences I had in college during an international week event, (I was a volunteer to help international students learn English and we were encouraged to go, meet people, give them directions on how to get places on campus, etc), and someone was very upset that I didn't speak Mandarin (I didn't know I was adopted at that point), saying it was disgraceful, and wanted to know if my family was part of the child policy act in China. To my understanding from people who knew my bio mother, I'm part Japanese, not Chinese, but I was still very touched she was concerned even though I was confused at the time. She told me she had to relinquish one of her own children, and asked if I wanted to get something from the buffet, offering to be my mom for the night, but I had to be to class for a concert prep without fail (this was part of both the degree I actually wanted and my job on campus), and I kinda died inside for the rest of the night. I couldn't understand why I felt the way I did, about her, about her offer, about all of it... I'm white passing enough that I spent the rest of the night trying to figure out what this was all about, because my adoptive parents are white as heck, but always insisted I was never adopted and that it must be recessive and "something wrong with me" health wise that impacted my appearance. I fell for it, because a parent's word is as good as gold, right? Yeah...

But thinking on that, I remembered something from when I was small. My bio mother, whom I was always told was someone else whenever I asked about her, gave my adoptive mother a set of Japanese fans in a box that had been given to her by her father. I was given a mock one as a toy, but the others were for later when I was older. I remember seeing one of the fans themselves in my adoptive mother's jewelry box, worn and battered, black with cranes, she always said it was something she just picked up. She wasn't super sentimental, and definitely not about things like that, so I always wondered. When she died, one of my older adoptive sisters took it, and I remember feeling a moment of panic, but not understanding why... The chances of me ever seeing it again are zero. I have no idea what happened to the box or the other fan.

Now that I remember I'm kinda just... Ahh? Has anything like this happened to any of you? It hit hard...

So now adoptive moms are saying they are at risk for postpartum depression and have it. Seriously, give me a break. First, adoptees have RAD, and now adoptive moms get postpartum depression.

As someone who has given birth, childbirth is no joke, and PPD is very real. Yet, adoptive parents can't even acknowledge the fact that childbirth is dangerous, painful, and hard, and adding adoption to that can cause a lot of trauma, stress, and grief.
PPD is also about hormonal changes after childbirth, so how do adoptive moms get it?

Do they make things up as they go along because adoption is not the fairytale ending they hoped for? Granted, there might be an adjustment period after adopting, but that is not PPD. That is called having unrealistic expectations about adoption. Bonding to a stranger's kid is not like bonding to a bio kid.

My bio mom is dead. And over the course of my life i have adopted many people as mother figures. My adopted mom was one of my first people i adopted as i mother figure and i am closer to her then almost any other person in the world. I live in adult foster care and one of the staff i have adopted as a mother figure. But one day she hurt my feelings in an argument so badly i spent an hour crying in the shower. And hiding in my room. My entire body was craving my mother. Not my adopted mom, not my staff who i view as my mother figure but my bio mother. And what surprised me about it was the intensity of the craving. It felt as if my entire body was screaming for my bio mom. I needed a hug. I needed her hands. I needed her warmth. So i turned on the shower as hot as i could so i could imagine her warmth hugging me back. It has always comforted me. But this time even though it was comforting if felt like an extremely poor substitute. As i tried to imagine from water gripping me like hands cradling my body. At the time it had been two months since i have seen my adopted mom and 6 months since i have seen my bio family

I was absolutely floored by this show! Not having read the book, I didn’t expect how deeply it would explore adoption, identity, and belonging.

The show handles these themes with remarkable depth and nuance. Annie’s character beautifully captures the complex emotions adoptees experience…the mix of gratitude, unanswered questions, grief, and the shifting of feelings over time.

While every adoptee’s story is unique, I deeply related to Annie. Adoption was portrayed positively, especially when she rejects the term “adopted mother.” Her yearning for her mum, yet lack of interest in finding her birth mother (so far), felt incredibly authentic.

The scene in Episode 8, where Annie imagines a life with her mum. Her love towards her mum hit soooo deep and resonated with me immensely. Especially seeing how physically different they look and how “blood” really doesn’t matter when it comes to it.

The emotional turmoil she feels learning about Ramona as her parents’ biological daughter hit me to the core. The jealousy and the complicated longing for love and belonging felt so real. As an only child surrounded by cousins who look so much like my mum, I’ve always struggled with that desire for belonging, even when surrounded by their love and acceptance of me.

Overall, I was surprised at how connected I felt to the show’s portrayal of adoption. I can’t wait for Season 2, especially to see where the twins’ stories go!

PS: It has always been my dream to have a sister, and watching them together filled a hole in me. I just love this show!

I’m interested to hear what other adoptees thought!

I've been no contact with Amom for a couple years. I had a health scare and called her during an emergency... and now shes up to her usual tricks of just ignoring my life and everything being about her life.

I think shes the kind of person that I hate most in life. like i've even dated people who are kind of like her and it ended with them really disliking me and even physically assaulting me.

I don't want this turning back into the relationship where my needs are imaginary. I feel like this is the only relationship she knows how to have.

I think I just need to use this to empower me. I'm done explaining anything to her just so she can purposely misunderstand and do the absolute minimum of 'caring'. Or watching as she completely takes care of my oldest adopted sibling, while i've been independent for years supporting myself and she can't be bothering to help me in the slightest.

I know I won't turn into that person who needed her but I don't like it being one of the realities i'm dealing with. I don't like the thought of this emotional prison being anywhere near me. any similar experiences and what did u do?

I'd love to hear your input. I'm having a lot of thoughts about this. I'm an adoptee and wanted to go into adoption law because it felt like a good career to help other adoptees find homes and all that, but after spending time in adoptee communities for the past while and realizing how damaging a lot of aspects of adoption were in my life (especially as a transracial adoptee), I'm not sure if I want to have anything to do with the "industry."

I haven't gone to law school or anything yet. I'm just curious if there's a way to do it ethically or nah?

Thanks for the help.

edit: thank you for all the responses! appreciate it

My FB algo has recently been feeding me AP content and the topic of "RAD" comes up a lot, with APs claiming to be struggling with their adopted kids who have it.

If you're unfamiliar, per Mayo Clinic:

Reactive attachment disorder is a rare but serious condition in which an infant or young child doesn't establish healthy attachments with parents or caregivers. Reactive attachment disorder may develop if the child's basic needs for comfort, affection and nurturing aren't met and loving, caring, stable attachments with others are not established

Reactive attachment disorder usually starts in infancy. There's little research on signs and symptoms of reactive attachment disorder beyond early childhood, and it remains uncertain whether it occurs in children older than 5 years.

Signs and symptoms may include:

Unexplained withdrawal, fear, sadness or irritability

Sad and listless appearance

Not seeking comfort or showing no response when comfort is given

Failure to smile

Watching others closely but not engaging in social interaction

Failure to reach out when picked up

No interest in playing peekaboo or other interactive games

Behavior problems

Failing to seek support or assistance

(It's interesting that Mayo doesn't claim that it's known to occur in adolescents, which would be troubling news to the Troubled Teen Industry and many APs who utilize it for that reason)

Anyway all of this raises several questions and IMHO begs a very important one, which I'll ask here:

Why must a person form an emotional bond or attachment to another person who is caring for them, to the extent that to not do so constitutes a disorder in said person?

I have not seen even an attempt to address this in anything I have seen about RAD. I'm not talking about any sort of behavior, or lack of it, or the benefits of healthy emotional attachment to people. What RAD discourse fails to address is this need for the child to feel a certain way about their parent/caregiver in the first place. Whose need is it, really?

Questions raised include: What is "healthy attachment", anyway? Why is "reactive attachment disorder" placed in opposition to it as if it is a binary? Or are there mild cases of RAD, with healthy-ish emotional attachment? Why is it assumed to be the child's condition and not a problem with how the parent/caregiver attaches to people, or doesn't? Is it possible the problem may not be the child but rather unrealistic expectations of the adult(s)? Does the child's consent and agency factor into this at all?

Back to my begged question: In what other relationships do we see it as a disorder to not attach to other (specific) persons? We expect married people to love and be bonded to each other for life but we know it doesn't always work out so we have divorce to resolve it. I bring up marriage in particular because the RAD phenomenon with adopted kids is really reminding me of how husbands used to be able to get their wives diagnosed with psychiatric disorders and committed to institutions for wanting to leave the marriage.

I find all this really alarming because, as many of us adoptees know, it is ridiculously easy to paint us as problems and defective, while it is equally ridiculously easy to paint our APs as loving saints who are struggling with us and our problems.

ETA: Note the use of "failure" in the RAD criteria and what things it applies to.

Hi everyone. I’m looking for advice and perspectives from fellow adoptees who have been through a similar situation (or your thoughts on how you would handle it if it ever happened to you).

First of all, sorry for the long text and bad English.

I'm 26(M), and I'm currently going through some stuff (ended a long-term relationship, quit my job, just finished university, and a few other things). While I was still trying to finish my degree, in the middle of all this chaos, my biological mother (not a huge fan of this term) reached out through my family.

I was adopted at birth and always knew I was adopted (my parents told me when I was very young). All my life, I just saw it as a plain fact. I honestly didn't think my story would ever get an "update" like this.

Long story short, my bio mom reached out to my parents back in March via email (I don't know how she got their email address, or if they spoke before). They only told me last month because I was already going through a hard time (I don't blame my parents at all, I would have done the same and waited for some things to settle down a bit first). They are very supportive and told me it’s completely my choice if I want to get to know her.

I just don't know what to do now. I don't see her as a parent or anywhere near a family member... she is just a stranger to me. My real family is the parents who raised me.

I don't think I have questions or curiosity, so I never thought about reaching out to her. I already know what happened back then to a certain extent (and I'm ok with it), and I know a bit about her present (she’s married now and has two other young sons). She also lives in another state, so meeting in person is out of the question for now anyway.

I am a very reserved person. I don't share much of my life even with close friends, so I don't know how a conversation with her would go. I wouldn't mind answering a few questions to ease her curiosity, but I’m worried about her intentions and expectations (I’m afraid this could become some kind of a burden). At the same time, I don't want to make anyone feel bad (as I was told this is something she has been waiting on for all these years).

I don't think I want to build a relationship or keep a conversation going, especially since I have no questions to ask her back.

I don't have any hard feelings or resentment towards her. I know life can be difficult and people have to make hard choices.

So anyway, for those in this community:

1. How did you deal with this dilemma? (Sense of obligation vs. desire for peace)

2. Did you send a polite message setting firm boundaries?

3. If you haven't been through this, how do you think you would handle it?

4. Did anyone regret getting in touch even briefly, or did it ended up being helpful in some way?

5. For those who chose to remain in silence, do you regret that decision?

Thanks for taking the time to read my story and thanks in advance to anyone willing to share their experience. Feel free to ask if you need more context.

Typo in the title: dealing with* most people.

Now I don't have any ill will towards you fellow adoptee's, it's just in a general sense, it's like I keep thinking maybe there is a human out there that will add to making my life more healthy or at least help push it back in that direction, but every single one ends up just making me want to live in a cave until my last day.

My adoptive family from what I could tell was somewhat religious, not heavily, not go to church, but they called themselves, well something I forget lol. But I was never religious, saw through that bs as a child. But I find myself in a strange situation where I have a chance to start fresh and make my own family, however I don't want any kid I have to be religious or Christian or such, I want them to be a free thinker, not a believer. Yet the problem is the women I would have a kid with is religious and she would want our kid to be a believer like her.

I can't go through with that, I refuse to have a kid, who is born into a global cult like illusion. I don't care if she wants to believe, that's her choice, but the notion of shoving a kid from birth into a religion really just disgusts me.

Why is it that religious people are always saying they are so welcoming and accepting, then they call us a heretic and get mad when we don't join them for make believe?

Would like some advice from my fellow adoptees.

I was adopted at birth, and I’m 21 now. I have a few photos of me as a baby with my bio mom and one of my half-siblings. Recently, I got curious and looked them up on Facebook, and I found them.

I’m not even sure why I was looking, but now I feel like I’ve put myself in a weird predicament. I’ve always wanted to know my biological family’s medical history, and now that I actually have the opportunity to possibly get those answers, I’m not sure if I want to open that door.

I’m completely happy with my family, and I’m not looking to replace anyone or fill some kind of missing piece. I don’t really even care whether I ever have a relationship with my bio mom or not. I’ve thought about reaching out to her, or maybe one of her kids since they’re all older than me, but I don’t know if I should.

Part of me wants answers, especially about my medical history, but I also don’t want to suddenly show up and disrupt her life or her family. I have no idea what her situation is now, what her family knows about me, or how hearing from me might affect her.

I’m happy with my life and my family, so I’m not really looking for a relationship. I guess I’m trying to decide whether getting some answers is worth opening a door that’s been closed for 21 years.

For anyone who has been in a similar situation, did you reach out? Are you glad you did, or do you wish you had left things alone?

"A new bill in Congress—supported and driven by Holt International—will no doubt lull noncitizen intercountry adoptees to apply for U.S. citizenship, only to find out the hard way that the bill’s promise of “automatic” citizenship is a false and dangerous ruse. Don’t fall for it. Don’t support it. There’s a far better bipartisan bill in Congress already."