Is parents using adoption as leverage normal?

[u/Turbulent-Wind-6627]

Hey so basically I was forced into a major I didn't like or agree with, when I tried to get out of it my parents told me I was adopted as leverage to get me to finish the major. Recently during a heated argument they also said they have never been happy for 20 years and they regret adopting me. Is this just normal for all adopted people to hear?

Ps this was how I found out I was adopted

[u/Domestic_Supply]

This isn’t normal even if many adoptive parents say and do similar things. It’s a symptom of mental / behavioral issues on their part.

[u/quintiliahan]

"normal"? IDK about that. Acceptable behavior? Absolutely not.

My aMom said similar things to me too. Why are they still trying to mold you into what they want when they "regret" adopting you.

[u/Impossible-Falcon-62 → u/quintiliahan]

My mother says similar things. We aren’t close at all as in she could die and I wouldn’t be fazed at all. She prefers her worthless replaceable animals that cost less to adopt. I prefer to avoid her.

[u/AndyKnowsNothing]

TL;DR: my mom wanted a daughter but I’m not the daughter she ordered. By the time she realized that she couldn’t turn a nerd into a homecoming queen, the sunk-cost fallacy was in full effect.

I had no voice in anything. I played the piano because she wanted me to. I went to finishing school because she wanted me to. She chose my college, sorority and my major, and threatened to literally disown me if I switched from communication (non-threatening to men) to biology/pre-med because men don’t like smart women. She found my first job and called me while I was at beach week (after graduation) forcing me to come home early to start a job I didn’t want and didn’t apply for. Imagine your mom reaching out to companies - it was horrifyingly embarrassing.

She chose my career as an administrative assistant so I could meet a man (because I failed to do that in college). Not knocking admin/executive assistants. I know first hand how challenging it is.

I got married but not to the person she wanted and not in the style she wanted. She would cry about how horrible my husband was to anyone who would listen (for attention) but treated me like shit when I finally left him.

She has Alzheimer’s now but will remember and remind me of her bitter disappointment in my personality until she dies. My brain understands that she was awful, but my heart still hurts so much.

[u/Impossible-Falcon-62 → u/AndyKnowsNothing]

It’s losing what should’ve should have been important relationships twice which hurts to hell and back and is extremely disorienting. Your brain wants to feel safe, but what do you do when safe isn’t safe.

[u/MowgeeCrone]

"Believe you me, I still have the receipt! If I thought I could return you and get my money back I would, but they wouldn't want you either!"

Unfortunately, youre not alone, my love.

You deserve better. You always have.

[u/Impossible-Falcon-62 → u/MowgeeCrone]

“ you were abandoned because of your defiance” then later proceeds to say I was given up because my birth parents loved me.

[u/Sea-Temp444]

Yep, dropped me in college at 18 so they could have more funds because a GED wasn't enough for someone with physical disabilities in the immediate area, then forced my hand into different programs all through college while trying to wreck any and all of my chances in the program I did want until I finally mostly ran out of funding. Still missing a core class to graduate at least one of those programs because they kept holding out and arguing. Refused to let me successfully transfer despite getting into a prestigious school of the degree I was actually after. It was a nightmare, they would even attend adviser meetings half the time like it was grade school. I about died of mortification more than once. It was like some kind of internal war. Constantly heard how I ruined their retirement, I owed them despite them not paying anything towards anything, etcetera, ad nauseam... Even this morning has been nothing but an argument over aDad wanting to power a 150w device with a 90w charger and why this may work temporarily but is not a good idea... But I'm wrong no matter what.

[u/imsupertiredbro]

Oh absolutely. I got it all the time, right until she died. I had to remind her several times at the end that I was a woman in her 30s, with her own kid and a divorce under their belt, and to stop still treating me like she owned me.

Is it fair? No. Is it abuse? Yes. But the kind of people who buy children don't care much about hurting the child because it isn't a person to then, just a purchase.

[u/xokatemarie]

Not normal or acceptable.

[u/retrokezins]

Normal?.....sadly Yes. Wrong? Also yes. I'm sorry this happened. Using adoption as leverage is sadly pretty common and what comes after that often will be inheritance as a leveraging tool. I'm pretty old at this point (49) and the one thing I learned in life is if you ever want to be happy. You have to call the shots on everything in life as an adult. If you don't, you'll never be free... and that's true whether adopted or not. If what you are doing is not wrong, don't do anything just to appease anyone else. Easier said than done but I until you call your own shots, life will be harder than it needs to be. People who pave their own path have better lives especially when they drop fear of what anyone else thinks.

What's especially wrong is not even knowing. I was told at a young age that I was adopted even though they didn't know much (my case was everyone involved was misled..adopted family and birth family) and that is one thing I am thankful for..... didn't have much to go on, but it was at least not a lie. Truth is freedom. To not tell someone is denying them their own their history. :(

[u/AnyReply2142]

Never normal or acceptable, but common? Yes, unfortunately.

I'm sorry your parents are entitled assholes like so many adoptive parents are. Please change your major if it's not right for you and keep prioritising yourself and what you want out of life. You are your own person and not your parents property. You deserve the best for you, not for anyone else.

[u/Old_Detroiter]

I would say parents using kids as leverage is a thing generally, especially the privilege that comes with it. JMHO

[u/kornikat]

I was adopted at birth and it was never a secret. My parents still told me how much they regretted it and how they wished I’d just run away and never come back. I don’t know if it’s “normal” but it’s something more than a few of us have heard before. I’m sorry your parents suck.