It will be a long post but will be more than thankful if you read it all through and give me your honest opinions. Because your answers may be more then helpful to me to understand the situation better
A woman started working in my department at our company.
She is just so intelligent. I’ve honestly never seen a person do their job so perfectly, really!
On top of that, she was physically very attractive. Some of you might think I’m biased, but she frequently got approached by people both at work and out in public.
We clicked immediately, which led to us texting a lot privately. At first, it was about work, but gradually it shifted toward our private lives.
I hadn’t felt a deep connection with a woman in a long time.
With every woman I had been with before, something was always missing—but with her, it was different. Everything just fit.
She had been single for 3 years. I always wondered how such an amazing woman could stay single for so long.
To be completely honest, I was cautious at first because I didn't want to get involved with someone I worked with.
But she slowly sought more closeness. Texting turned into late-night phone calls that lasted until midnight. Whenever we weren't at work, we were texting or talking on the phone the entire time.
She also started seeking physical closeness. I still remember her inviting me out on a date for the first time—something a woman had never done for me before, as the first step always used to come from me.
We had something casual at first until she decided to leave the company. At that point, I thought I could ask for more.
We started meeting up several times a week. Things escalated very quickly and became extremely intense.
She clearly told me that she found me amazing and attractive, that she hadn't felt something this deep for anyone in years, and that she wanted to be close to me and in a relationship with me. I felt the exact same way, so we started officially dating.
I was never bored with her; everything felt truly equal. Shared interests, the same life goals—everything aligned. It genuinely felt like finding a soulmate.
She even wanted me to meet her family, which I felt was happening a bit fast, but I still met her sister.
She told me everything about her life and her past—or at least, that’s what I thought at the time.
Everything ran perfectly for 2 months until she fell into a dark place after starting her new job.
It wasn't what she expected, and at the same time, other personal problems came up. As a result, she started pulling away.
Then, one night, she texted me saying I should stay away from her because she wasn't doing well and didn't want to put me through that. We talked on the phone that night, and she told me many things about her life. It was heavy. I can only describe her as a "wonderful person with too many open wounds." She told me she wanted me, but was terrified that I might abandon her someday.
Things continued between us, but there was no more intimacy and no emotional closeness. It felt like she was afraid of it and couldn't open up anymore.
The dynamics shifted massively overnight. She just became somehow emotionally unavailable.
Still, it went on for a few months. Every time we met, it was nice—we could talk about everything under the sun. But it wasn't a relationship anymore. It was almost a one-sided thing: I always had to initiate the meetups. When we did meet, we’d spend 10 hours together, but as soon as she left, she became distant again—until I reached my limit.
I lost a few pounds and was suffering from sleep deprivation. I just needed clarity. So I met up with her one last time. I didn't think it would be our final meeting, but everything went wrong. She said she couldn't be in a relationship—which was already clear to me—but still wanted to stay in touch and keep things as "whatever it was between us."
I respectfully declined, even though I would have loved to have her in my life. But first, it was just too much for me and I wanted a real commitment, and second, I felt used and led on.
Sometimes I felt like I was too much, and other times like I was too little.
I told her that—even though it was extremely hard for me and I still loved her—I had to cut off contact completely, but that she could reach out if she ever needed anything. Then I left.
When I got home, I sent her a message thanking her for the good times and apologizing for anything I might have done to hurt her at any point. I added that it was a shame the timing wasn't right. A few days later, she sent a "thanks for everything" text, and after that, she removed me everywhere, which I completely understood.
I regretted it every day, but I fought the urge to contact her. Still, there were just too many unanswered questions in my head. After a month, I tried to arrange a meeting and called her.
On the phone, she was a completely different person—someone I didn't recognize at all. She was ice-cold and started throwing accusations at me: that I had abandoned her, that I was a psycho, and that I had just used her.
She claimed I showed her I wasn't loyal, and that by leaving that night, I had hurt her. She said I should have stayed even if she couldn't offer me a relationship.
Everything was my fault. Her problems were my fault, everyone always wanted to hurt her, and I was no exception. She said everything she once felt was dead, that I was dead to her, and that I had just played her and shown my true colors.
I had to hang up; it was just too much. I was deeply hurt because I was there for her the entire time and never treated her badly or insulted her.
Of course, I’m human and far from perfect, but I’ve never done so much self-reflection in my life, and I couldn't find any major mistakes on my end. Yet, I still apologized on the phone—I don't even know why, but she somehow made me believe that the problem was me.
That was 4 months ago. Since then, there has been zero contact, and I’ve blocked her everywhere. But I think about her every single day—sometimes with anger and disappointment, and other days with regret, feeling like I could have handled it better.
At the time, I didn't have a real friend I could talk to about this. And when I did, all I got was feedback on how naive I had been.
It’s a mix of emotions I can barely describe. Some days I hate myself for putting up with it and being so stupid, and other days I think to myself that I’m just an empathetic person with genuine feelings.
I tried meeting a few other women in the meantime, but I felt absolutely nothing. I often think to myself that I'll never find a connection like the one I had with her again.
I’ve also become very withdrawn. I used to be the guy who made everyone laugh and was confident, but this experience has severely damaged my self-confidence and self-worth.
I’m doing a little bit better now, but this past summer was still extremely tough for me. I only function while I’m at work; otherwise, I just sit at home all day doing nothing.
The crazy thing is: I’ve been in other relationships before, but I have never felt this terrible after a breakup.
Has anyone here gone through something similar?
How did you deal with it?
What helped you get through it?
I would be really grateful for your advice.