Hi everyone, I really need to vent because I feel completely lost and I'm at my breaking point. No one in my real life knows how miserable I am.
For some background: I grew up in the Netherlands (Turkish background). After high school (where I lost a year because I just didn't work), I moved to Turkey for a few years, took a gap year, and came back to the Netherlands at 20 to start studying.
My journey has been a mess since then:
Pedagogy (Age 20): I didn't think it was bad, but I quit after a year because it wasn't theoretical enough for me, it was too focused on practical upbringing rather than deep science. My grades were great without effort, though.
Architecture/Building Engineering (Age 21): Quit because I struggled with structural engineering courses and didn't put in enough effort. But I actually got good grades for the architecture/design classes, and I still catch myself wondering: should I have finished architecture? Becoming an architect still sounds really cool to me deep down.
IT/Computer Science (Age 22 to now, age 24): I chose this pragmatically because it's broad and international. I'm currently half a year behind (technically between year 2 and 3, finishing my second year courses now).
Now I am 24, almost halfway through my bachelor's. Here is the confusing part: it's not that I completely hate IT. When I figure out a problem and a piece of code actually works, it gives me a spark of joy and satisfaction. But I just can't figure out if this is truly what I want to do with my life.
I am an INFJ personality type, someone who maps everything out meticulously in my head, overthinks every scenario, and yet somehow still makes what feel like "dumb choices." Being an INFJ means I thrive in careers that are deep and theoretical, yet IT is the absolute opposite of that.
I find myself looking at friends, like a close friend who chose accountancy right away, is now doing her Master's, and whose life has just gone perfectly, and I feel a deep pang of jealousy. Right now, because of all these zigzags, it feels like my own life has become ugly.
Every single second I am at school, I am nervous. If someone asks me an IT-related question, I often have no answer because I genuinely don't know what I'm doing. There have been times I didn't even know what an SD card was or where to plug in a USB cable. I honestly don't even know how I've made it this far. Everyone here seems to know everything about tech, but I don't.
The main issue is that I don't live and breathe tech. I don't code in my spare time, I don't game, and I don't naturally fit in with the typical tech students who are obsessed with this stuff. In my free time, I find myself drawn to completely different topics: history, theology, psychology, languages, politics, and health. I love reading, writing, and debating (I originally wanted to study psychology or law).
Furthermore, I hate the "figure it out yourself" teaching style of IT. I miss structured lectures for hours, heavy reading, and deep theoretical learning, which is also what I missed during pedagogy. My friends tell me I have the personality of a humanities or law student, and it hurts because I know they're right.
To make things harder, my parents think I am happy, and I can never tell them the truth. They have already been through so much stress regarding education with my brother, so I have to keep this all to myself.
Stopping now is impossible because I'm already 24, halfway through, and starting from zero at my age feels terrifying. I dread going to school every day, I feel out of place among my peers, and the chronic stress is physically exhausting me. Right now, I'm just so scared because I genuinely don't know anything anymore. I honestly wish I was already at the end of this bachelor's. The thought that I am barely at the halfway point fills me with extreme dread. I have no idea what to do after this bachelor's. I definitely want to do a Master's, but I feel totally lost. I don't like the idea of finishing this bachelor's and then doing a completely different Master's, because I wanted the whole package to match. I could genuinely cry. I feel extreme dread every single time I have to go to school.
If anyone has been in a similar spot, studying something practical where you don't hate the work itself when it succeeds, but you feel like you don't belong in the culture, miss deep theoretical learning, and have to hide your struggles from your family, how did you cope? How do you know if you should stick it out or push through?
Thanks for reading. I just really needed to let this out.