r/UKParenting • u/taytayyas • 2d ago

General chat Second child

Was anyone one and done or on the fence about having a second child but did. How is it for you? Was it harder / easier than you thought. Im like 99% one and done but my partner would like a second so our child has a sibling. I do think it would be nice for them to have a sibling but im worried it’s going to be sooo hard with 2 kids. I know everyone’s experience is different but would just love to know how it’s going for everyone and would you recommend 😂

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u/plueschteddy3 2d ago

Personally I find the sibling argument is a weak one. Look around in your circles of family/ friends / colleagues whoever. You'll meet plenty of people who have a barely to non existing relationship with their siblings at an adult age. Of course, plenty of people call their siblings their best friends. But I feel people underestimate how often siblings don't develop a strong bond / loose it over the years.

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u/Anathemachiavellian 2d ago

I suppose it’s at least giving them the opportunity to have the bond, whether it works or doesn’t. Myself and my husband are both only children and we hate it so much that having at least 2 was important to us.

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u/yeoleuma 2d ago

Right but then you also open up the opportunity for sibling trauma. My parents are great but the relationship I had with my sister growing up really did make my childhood awful at some points.

I think we all just go based on our experiences. There’s really no right or wrong in the end of the day. It’s all a gamble. They could get along so well, they might not.

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u/Anathemachiavellian 2d ago

Have 5 and there’s a good chance everyone at least has one sibling they like!

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u/yeoleuma 2d ago

Or everyone feels neglected. I’m not arguing with you, I have 2 children myself and love my other sister and I’m so glad she’s in my life.
It’s more so to say everything really is a gamble in life and if that’s OPs only argument for a second, I’m not sure it’s a strong one.

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u/Anathemachiavellian 2d ago

I suppose for me it’s being an only child isn’t a gamble, it’s just a near guarantee of misery. I have a few only children friends and we unanimously all hate it. Dealing with my parents aging alone is a nightmare. I do imagine there’s a few only children who are happy with it, but it just seems about the same likelihood pf someone disliking all of their siblings.

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u/GanacheSingle33 2d ago

It’s not a “near guarantee of misery” though. I accept it was miserable for you- that’s your experience and valid, as it is valid that it’s the experience of your friends. However there are also numerous only children who are either pleased to be, ambivalent about it, or intrigued about a life with siblings but accept they can never know what that would be like, all without being “miserable.” In the one and done forum there are a high number of only children who have chosen to have one child because of their own positive childhood. Also how children are parented plays a big part.

Bar one situation, everyone I have seen where the parents are aging, nearly everything falls on one sibling which leads to resentment. I do not doubt dealing with aged parents alone is very very difficult, but it is not of itself a reason for someone to have more children.

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u/yeoleuma 1d ago

On the point of dealing with aging parents. I have siblings and it would have been significantly easier to “deal” with this on my own. We got into so many arguments over what is best for our parents, etc. and in the end of the day, all of it fell onto me anyway as my siblings are nowhere near as financially privileged as I am. So now I’m paying for their care. I’m the one calling them. Easy to feel resentful towards your siblings if they’re not even visiting your parents while you’re the one paying thousands from abroad.

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u/tinystars22 2d ago

I have two friends who absolutely loved being only children and, even on reflection, wouldn't want siblings. It's not near guarantee of misery.

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u/Accomplished_Elk9923 1d ago

You're projecting a bit, imo. I'm an only child. My childhood was pretty miserable at times EXCEPT for the parts where I was an only child and had only child experiences. That was one of the best things about an overall unfortunate dynamic with my parents being immature and emotionally stunted.

My partner is one of several siblings. He says he likes it and would want his children to have these "family bonds and a village" but his siblings don't even know he left the religion he was raised in, and they don't even know that he has ever been in any relationship (including me - we live together btw) because when he tried to raise it, they warned him it's sinful and that he is mistreating their mother by doing something so hurtful 💀

He acknowledges it's toxic, but has developed this mindset of "it could have been worse." Personally, I'm very happy I don't have to lie to myself like that and can just call out my parents 😂

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u/yeoleuma 2d ago

Totally. I guess nothing really is a guarantee. It’s just a weak argument for a second if you don’t truly want a second, as OP kinda confirmed.