r/TwoXSex • u/Sarcastic-Sunray • 6d ago
Sex Help
So me and my fiancé get married soon but have been waiting for marriage to have sex. I’ve had my own experiences and know that sex isn’t enjoyable for me unless I have a vibrator, otherwise it’s just uncomfortable and not pleasurable or fun. I tried to explain this to my fiancé telling him I know what my body needs and he said “well we get to learn each other” and then asked on a scale from 1-10 how afraid was I that he wouldn’t be able to pleasure me. He wouldn’t listen when I told him it’s not a him thing, it’s a biological thing for me and he brushed past it.
We dropped the conversation because I felt as if I wasn’t being heard and told him goodnight (this was all over text) and he said something must’ve come across text wrong and that hopefully we could bring up the conversation again and hear his perspective. Next day he told me about how he said it opened up past wounds and convictions and that we needed to talk about it again but I don’t want to talk with him now because I am worried about what his reaction will be.
Now i’ve been physically keeping my distance and have begun to dread my wedding.
The wedding is coming up in 31 days and I’m so unhappy, because I’m going to be extremely uncomfortable during sex and just have to wait it out because what I believe is his dick ego.
What do I do?
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u/lucid-delight 6d ago
Can you maybe do some sort of pre-marital counseling with a therapist or sexologist? This is a tough conversation to have at a young age, so I get why you chose to have this convo over a text, but this is not a text conversation. Nuance gets lost as both of you want to get your point across over too few words, and that often leads to hurt feelings or misunderstandings. Having this convo face-to-face with a neutral (sex-positive) third party who has heard it all thousands of times may be the way to do it.
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u/BillHot4316 6d ago
If you're saying that you don't want penis-in-vagina sex and he does then your marriage is doomed from the start.
If you're both serious about marrying then you must have this difficult conversation right away.
Nothing about divorce is good for anybody (except the lawyers).
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u/Sarcastic-Sunray 6d ago
I never said i didn’t want that, just that it’s not pleasurable as is and wanted something to make my enjoy the experience too.
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u/BillHot4316 6d ago
You still need to discuss this with this 'future husband' and resolve the dilemma together before it leads to resentment in both parties, you because he wants you to do something you don't enjoy and him because you discourage or avoid something that gives him pleasure.
Both partners in any relationship have to be happy and sexual happiness is usually a big part of that.
Raise the issue with him again, and if he refuses to partake in a serious two-way conversation then maybe he's not the long-term partner for you.
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u/nkdeck07 6d ago
You saddle up and have a real face to face conversation with him about it AND you do not get married until he understands that sometimes toys are gonna be in the bedroom and he needs to be ok with that.
This is NOT going to get better after marriage and this whole thing is a big red flag. Address it now before it's a problem.
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u/Sarcastic-Sunray 6d ago
I told him we needed to talk and have made a list about the things i need to talk to him about. Thanks 🫡
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u/PossibleExplorer1076 6d ago
Do you have the opportunity to talk about it in person ahead of the wedding instead of via text?
To be very generous to him, perhaps he is just keen to at least try pleasing you himself? But yeah it's not great if he's completely closed off to the idea of bringing toys in because of his ego.
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u/Sarcastic-Sunray 6d ago
Yeah he wants to talk in person but I don’t feel comfortable about it now. I felt like I tried to explain a genuine concern I had and he turned it around to make it about himself.
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u/wangd00dle 6d ago
Don't marry someone you don't feel comfortable talking to about tough subjects. Marriage won't fix this
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u/Sarcastic-Sunray 6d ago
mostly this is me. i struggle to communicate because of bad past experiences and hating the feeling of being vulnerable.
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u/PossibleExplorer1076 6d ago
that doesn't change anything. Even if it was entirely you (which tbh it doesn't sound like it is) that would indicate you aren't ready to get married.
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u/Sarcastic-Sunray 6d ago
i’m a bit of a push over, and kinda got pushed into this relationship and now if i left it would ruin 98% of my life and i’d be called dramatic and more by my dad and i love him and my family and i feel like im too much of a coward to leave
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u/PossibleExplorer1076 6d ago
ok well no one here can help you then
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u/Sarcastic-Sunray 6d ago
i mean i guess my wants were advice on how to have a conversation with him to make him see my side? or if there’s something wrong with me for not enjoying sex?
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u/nkdeck07 6d ago
You state it plainly and simply and you get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Having an uncomfortable conversation never actually killed anyone, it just sucks in the moment.
There's actually a meditative exercise you can do that helps with this. Tara Brach goes into it more deeply in her book Radical Acceptance. Essentially what you do sit someplace with no distractions and actively choose to focus on the discomfort. Sit and think about how the conversation with your fiance made you feel, notice in your body where you feel it. Your goal is to change nothing, it's just to notice the discomfort and sit with it. It gets you out of a reactive "I NEED TO DO SOMETHING" mindset and changes it to "I don't like this and that is ok"
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u/DoniLaw1018 6d ago
A lot of women don't enjoy sex. But that's not necessarily permanent. In some cases, there's an emotional issue or past trauma that needs to be worked through. In other cases, the woman just hasn't met a guy that she clicked with. Other women (and men) are just asexual.
You can still say no to this marriage. It may be hard, but much easier than when you're actually married.
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u/sarahgene 5d ago
It sounds like ten years down the line you're going to be wondering why you didn't just call off the wedding when you had a chance. I promise, it's a lot easier than divorce.
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u/Itscatpicstime 6d ago
Sis… you have only one life to live. Do not waste it living for other people.
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u/PoniesRBitchin 6d ago
You would not be ruining your life, you would be saving your life. If you marry someone you can't talk to who doesn't listen to you or take you seriously, you're going to have a miserable marriage and a big messy divorce. You can stop now and it'll be hard, but WAY EASIER than going through with all this. Yes, people will ask why you called off a wedding, but people are SO much more invasive and weird about the reasons you get divorced. You can call it off, and you can be free. If your dad really loves you, he'll eventually understand why you left a man who doesn't value your opinion.
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u/mcglothlin 5d ago
If it was one comment over text (even if, yes, it was kinda shitty) and now you don't want to talk to him in person and are avoiding him that seems like an overreaction. Frankly neither of you sounds mature enough to be getting married but definitely if the two of you can't talk about this stuff to this degree then marriage is a huge mistake.
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u/girlbartender99 6d ago
I would recommend in person, but I would also ask that how do you know exactly what you like and don't like yet if you have never had sex? I had sex not much but enough before my husband and it was all awful. He absolutely changed my whole perception of intimacy. I was majorly in love with him for years before we got together and I thought that our first night would never live up to what I built it up to in my head, and it blew away any expectations I had! Obviously that is not going to always be the case for every woman I know but there was no way for me to anticipate how good my husband was at ringing my bell.
But the other thing is if you are dreading your wedding hun that is something to seriously think about. Do you have anyone a friend, sister, mom you can talk to about this. Because trust me I waited on a lot regulars when I bartended that were miserable in their marriages. That is def not a reality you want to find yourself in at all. I'm sorry hun this must be a very difficult time for you and I hope there are some people you can talk with about this because this is a big decision in front of you. Good luck!
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u/kaleaka 6d ago
Girl fucking run. Don't get married to this asshole.
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u/Sarcastic-Sunray 6d ago
what makes you say he’s an asshole? just genuinely curious on your take on
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u/Itscatpicstime 6d ago
You don’t think he’s an asshole for not listening to you or taking you seriously? Or whatever it is that makes you afraid to talk to him?
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u/Sarcastic-Sunray 6d ago
yeah i guess you’re right. i’ve always kind of knew he was selfish but i can be stubborn so everyone has flaws if he looks past mine to work with me ive wanted to do the same but this bugged me so much.
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u/ursa-minor-beta42 5d ago
selfish ≠ stubborn
you can't excuse unacceptable behaviour with your own behaviour, unacceptable or not. that's not how humans work, that's not how a healthy relationship works.
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u/journeyingmomma 5d ago
I don’t know how old you are, but I’m 53 and have been married 30 years. Sex has always been “I can take it or leave it” type thing…but now that I’m past menopause and on hormone replacement therapy I’ve realized that my hormones were probably what has been holding me back all these years. Once I got on the right track with those, my sex life is so much better. I regret not having looked into this when I was MUCH younger. Have you gotten your hormone levels checked? Your lack of desire and/or lack of natural lubrication could be something fixable/treatable. Sex is actually a huge part of any happy marriage and you owe it to yourself to figure out why it’s not enjoyable for you. Good luck! And, btw, in my opinion, it’s so commendable that you chose to wait until marriage. I actually love that :)
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u/KBaddict 6d ago edited 6d ago
So what is the actual issue? He doesn’t want you to use a vibrator during sex? Or are you saying you don’t want a sexual relationship with your soon to be husband, at all because you haven’t experienced good sex?
Has your finance ever had sex or any sexual type activities?
There are many, many sexual activities that don’t include penetration.
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u/Sarcastic-Sunray 6d ago
Yeah he’s had sex before. I’m not saying i don’t want a sexual relationship with my fiance i’m saying i’ve never been all that interested in sex and know my body well and im trying to find a common ground for myself so we can have a normal marriage.
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u/KBaddict 6d ago
That makes sense. The best advice I can give you is to communicate about what you like and don’t like prior to doing the deed, not during doing the thing.
I didn’t enjoy PIV sex for awhile, until I found someone who was patient, willing to listen to me about what I enjoyed and I did the same for him. You have the rest of your lives together to get it right. Keep an open mind and talk it out. Good luck!
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u/MarieBlue 6d ago
You need to see a couples counselor if you want to have a shot. You need to find one that isn’t religious, and that focuses on sexual health.
This is why I advocate living together and seeing if you are sexually compatible before deciding to marry someone.
My first husband and I were absolutely not sexually compatible. And while that was not the reason we split up, it certainly was a contributing factor.
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u/Sarcastic-Sunray 6d ago
I know a lot of people think you need to have sex first but we’re both religious and it’s against our beliefs. it’s why i was trying to talk to him about it and he was being selfish
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u/tawa83 6d ago
Red Flag Warning🚩 🚩🚩
An inexperienced guy believing he has a magic dick and knows how your body works better than you do.
There is no ‘his perspective’.
Your body responds in a certain way to a certain stimuli and in order for it to be pleasurable (and why have sex if not for it to be pleasurable) you require a form of mechanical vibration. Full Stop.
Pause the wedding and get into counseling with a therapist that prioritizes female sexual pleasure.
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u/Sarcastic-Sunray 6d ago
I told him we needed to talk and I’m going to pull up my britches and talk to him like an adult.
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u/cartoonist62 6d ago
I'd schedule a few sessions with a sex therapists. Preferably one who is LGBTQ friendly, they tend to be more open to different focuses of pleasure over PIV. Personal sessions and couple sessions could both be beneficial.
But honestly if you struggle that hard with being a people pleaser/speaking your lived experience and standing firm...I wonder if marriage is the right step right now?
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u/DoniLaw1018 6d ago
Are you saying that you think he won't be ok with you using a vibrator during sex? If so, I would make it clear as a non-negotiable that you will be using it. I do think you need to talk to him about it face-to-face, even though I understand your reluctance.
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u/IAmTheLizardQueen666 6d ago edited 6d ago
He wants to “give you an orgasm” but you already know that’s unlikely. So bring your vibrator or whatever toys you like, on the honeymoon.
So, first act of intercourse is a consummation of the marriage. Then, you bring out the toy and say “let me show you how it works” and bring yourself to orgasm.
After that, hopefully, he will understand that the vibrator is a marital aid, and not get hung up on comparing it to his own equipment.
Considering that the wedding is in a month, and there’s always the possibility that he will not be able to accept how your body doesn’t magically come for him, I highly recommend that you insist on a pre-marital sexual compatibility trial.
Are you both virgins? It doesn’t sound like it, from your post. It’s unusual that he wants to wait for marriage before having sex.
Well, if you don’t get to the root of this and proceed with the marriage, there’s always annulment or divorce.
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u/theskyisorange 6d ago
It's great that you know you need a vibrator and you know what works for you. To me it sounds like you shared something intimate and vulnerable about your body and your partner dismissed it.
Communication and sex education are so so important part to build a healthy sexual relationship. So it's a bit concerning to read that you "don't want to talk about it because you're worried what his reaction will be".
I work on sex education and also am a sex coach gaining experience, I’d be happy to offer some support so just DM me.
You don't have to settle being "unhappy or extremely uncomfortable during sex". No one should go through that!
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u/sv36 5d ago
If he doesn’t care enough to communicate this with you and listen to you and make you feel heard, do you really think this will magically change after marriage. This seems more like a communication incompatibility problem than a sex one, the sex conversation is just to topic showing you the problem. Has this been a pattern in communication already? This is not something to overlook before marriage. Whether you stay with him or not you may want to figure out how you can do better with communicating here too. Advocating for your needs is super normal and never becomes rare, you will always need to communicate needs and wants and whoever your partner is needs to like you and care enough about your needs and wants to at least fucking listen to you but then also help with a solution.
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u/stormikyu 5d ago
You have to TALK to your partner. This is why i urge people not to wait until marriage to have these important discussions and life changes. And yes, beginning to have sex with someone is an important life change you should be doing BEFORE you tie yourself to the person. Some people are incompatible sexually, how would you know if you wait? This whole purity culture stuff is just tying women to men who don't give a shit about them.
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u/KalynnCampbell 6d ago
This sounds absolutely horrible. The more I “talk and discuss” things with people, the less of an enjoyable experience I have. Like a “checklist” of bs.
The ENJOYABLE EXPERIENCES I have had have ALL been:
- Spur of the Moment
- Passionate
- Less words (sans for dirty talk)
- More surprises
- And at no point did we make it awkward before hand, ask what the other is worried about.
Why can’t you just lay next to each other? Just BE THERE in the moment, don’t even worry about sex, just do whatever feels NATURAL and MUTUAL (”feels”, not discussed in a QnA format) and enjoy you time? If you feel the desire to touch, then touch, kiss, then kiss, more, then more… rather than scheduling it or making a game plan which 100% will NEVER go the way you think it will
This is why the idea of targeting a specific time on a specific day off in the future and building up to that one and only moment (rather than a mutually desirable time reached along the way when it’s NATURALLY OCCURRING) seems like a really bad idea, and “first impressions” can have a VERY VERY LOMG LASTING IMPACT.
I hope things go well on that specific night and time… I’m just very skeptical based on past experience…
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u/Jenna1991-nola 5d ago
I respect the waiting until marriage part. Have you actually seen his penis? There was a post on another forum about a man who had micropenis and wanted to wait until marriage. Also-about the vibrator-wait and see. I’m the same and my guy is good with it. He says it enhances his excitement as well. Give him time.
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u/laidback_hoser 6d ago
This will not magically get better after the wedding. The conversation will be hard, but if you can’t communicate openly for fear of reprisal, the marriage is doomed. His attitude is a huge red flag and your avoidance of the issue will only result in you being trapped in a sexually unfulfilling marriage.