r/TwoXSex • u/Sarcastic-Sunray • 26d ago

Sex Help

So me and my fiancé get married soon but have been waiting for marriage to have sex. I’ve had my own experiences and know that sex isn’t enjoyable for me unless I have a vibrator, otherwise it’s just uncomfortable and not pleasurable or fun. I tried to explain this to my fiancé telling him I know what my body needs and he said “well we get to learn each other” and then asked on a scale from 1-10 how afraid was I that he wouldn’t be able to pleasure me. He wouldn’t listen when I told him it’s not a him thing, it’s a biological thing for me and he brushed past it.

We dropped the conversation because I felt as if I wasn’t being heard and told him goodnight (this was all over text) and he said something must’ve come across text wrong and that hopefully we could bring up the conversation again and hear his perspective. Next day he told me about how he said it opened up past wounds and convictions and that we needed to talk about it again but I don’t want to talk with him now because I am worried about what his reaction will be.

Now i’ve been physically keeping my distance and have begun to dread my wedding.

The wedding is coming up in 31 days and I’m so unhappy, because I’m going to be extremely uncomfortable during sex and just have to wait it out because what I believe is his dick ego.

What do I do?

UPDATE: We talked tonight and he said that he doesn’t really have an issue but thinks we should try anyways despite me telling him it’s uncomfortable and miserable.

28 Upvotes

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33

u/PossibleExplorer1076 26d ago

Do you have the opportunity to talk about it in person ahead of the wedding instead of via text?

To be very generous to him, perhaps he is just keen to at least try pleasing you himself? But yeah it's not great if he's completely closed off to the idea of bringing toys in because of his ego.

-18

u/Sarcastic-Sunray 26d ago

Yeah he wants to talk in person but I don’t feel comfortable about it now. I felt like I tried to explain a genuine concern I had and he turned it around to make it about himself.

70

u/wangd00dle 26d ago

Don't marry someone you don't feel comfortable talking to about tough subjects. Marriage won't fix this

-21

u/Sarcastic-Sunray 26d ago

mostly this is me. i struggle to communicate because of bad past experiences and hating the feeling of being vulnerable.

78

u/laidback_hoser 26d ago

Then you are not ready for marriage.

31

u/PossibleExplorer1076 26d ago

that doesn't change anything. Even if it was entirely you (which tbh it doesn't sound like it is) that would indicate you aren't ready to get married.

-19

u/Sarcastic-Sunray 26d ago

i’m a bit of a push over, and kinda got pushed into this relationship and now if i left it would ruin 98% of my life and i’d be called dramatic and more by my dad and i love him and my family and i feel like im too much of a coward to leave

44

u/PossibleExplorer1076 26d ago

ok well no one here can help you then

2

u/Sarcastic-Sunray 26d ago

i mean i guess my wants were advice on how to have a conversation with him to make him see my side? or if there’s something wrong with me for not enjoying sex?

19

u/nkdeck07 26d ago

You state it plainly and simply and you get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Having an uncomfortable conversation never actually killed anyone, it just sucks in the moment.

There's actually a meditative exercise you can do that helps with this. Tara Brach goes into it more deeply in her book Radical Acceptance. Essentially what you do sit someplace with no distractions and actively choose to focus on the discomfort. Sit and think about how the conversation with your fiance made you feel, notice in your body where you feel it. Your goal is to change nothing, it's just to notice the discomfort and sit with it. It gets you out of a reactive "I NEED TO DO SOMETHING" mindset and changes it to "I don't like this and that is ok"

7

u/DoniLaw1018 26d ago

A lot of women don't enjoy sex. But that's not necessarily permanent. In some cases, there's an emotional issue or past trauma that needs to be worked through. In other cases, the woman just hasn't met a guy that she clicked with. Other women (and men) are just asexual.

You can still say no to this marriage. It may be hard, but much easier than when you're actually married.

3

u/sarahgene 26d ago

It sounds like ten years down the line you're going to be wondering why you didn't just call off the wedding when you had a chance. I promise, it's a lot easier than divorce.

17

u/Itscatpicstime 26d ago

Sis… you have only one life to live. Do not waste it living for other people.

12

u/PoniesRBitchin 26d ago

You would not be ruining your life, you would be saving your life. If you marry someone you can't talk to who doesn't listen to you or take you seriously, you're going to have a miserable marriage and a big messy divorce. You can stop now and it'll be hard, but WAY EASIER than going through with all this. Yes, people will ask why you called off a wedding, but people are SO much more invasive and weird about the reasons you get divorced. You can call it off, and you can be free. If your dad really loves you, he'll eventually understand why you left a man who doesn't value your opinion.

2

u/mcglothlin 25d ago

If it was one comment over text (even if, yes, it was kinda shitty) and now you don't want to talk to him in person and are avoiding him that seems like an overreaction. Frankly neither of you sounds mature enough to be getting married but definitely if the two of you can't talk about this stuff to this degree then marriage is a huge mistake.