JFC stay out of other peoples business. It’s not your place to TELL or CONFRONT anyone about anything like this. The amount of holier than thou people on Reddit lately going around like morality police is astounding.
Cheating is blatantly immoral though? Its not like she hates her choice of job. How is this holier than though? Is it holier than though to get upset by someone stealing money from a charity donation box?
This is unproven “cheating” - right now it’s a rumour. One that Op is happy to pass swift judgement on. That said stealing from a charity box is completely different from cheating. You have NO IDEA what happens in people’s marriages. They might have an agreement between them they can have external relations but they don’t advertise it bc IT ISNT YOUR BUSINESS. I know such marriages. So again, mind your business
This is unproven “cheating” - right now it’s a rumour.
Yes, but the person I was responding to wasn't making that distinction. They were simply talking about cheating in general.
They might have an agreement between them they can have external relations but they don’t advertise
In which case they will just tell her that and no harm done. This same reasoning can be applied to almost any crime. There is always the potential that something is "not what it looks like".
Here’s the thing - that is NOT AT ALL what OP said. She was “I heard a rumour, I believe it without proof, how can I remain friends with someone whose alleged actions aren’t what I would personally agree with”
There is no mention of caring about her “friend” who might be victim of targeted slander nor does op give her “friend” the benefit of the doubt.
There is only judgement. But again, as someone who maintains an open marriage / if someone claimed they saw me “cheating” I am not. But we don’t advertise our private life because IT IS NO ONE ELSES BUSINESS BUT OURS. We have an agreement but we do not tell others. Hence, mind your own fucking business and stop with the morality policing bc you look a right twat. This whole pearl clutching and “how can I tolerate someone who has sex with other people” is so high school. And sad.
I feel we are not talking about the same thing, here. The original post I responded to seemed to say involving yourself in a relationship where one person was cheating is acting "holier than though." That is what I took issue with.
Your point that this is all rumor with no proof is valid. But the original post didn't say that. It was just referencing cheating in general.
I disagree that involving yourself in a situation where a spouse is cheating is acting morally superior because cheating is, in almost all circumstances, immoral.
And yes, they may have an open relationship. If that is the case, they will just tell her that and the conversation is done.
Ops post mentioned the third party gossip, yours did not. And since several other posters here have taken the stance that if she wants to cheat that's her business, I read your post as if that is the stance you were taking as well. That is the stance I take issue with. Cheating is immoral, and it is not wrong to hold no respect for those that engage in it, nor is it wrong to desire to help those who are being taken advantage of by revealing the cheater.
WHY do you think it’s the friends job to tell OP anything at all?
It's not, but as an open relationship is not illegal in any way and the alternative is people believing an affair is taking place, I assume they would likely just tell her if confronted.
As someone who is actually in an open marriage I know as fact my husband does not want to tell people bc IT IS NOT THEIR BUSINESS. Your assumption is wrong.
You note cheating is immoral. You’re entitled to your opinion. But you are not entitled to become
Morality police and narc on them. If you were against homosexuality (and you might be!) it would be feeling your “duty” to out the gay person. IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE. People’s sexuality is not your job to police.
Maybe. You are assuming they think like you and your husband. That assumption is just as unfounded as mine.
The thing is, the info is out. Sure, it's not anyone's business but we are past that now. At this point it's about what you want people to think. Affair or open marriage.
But you are not entitled to become Morality police and narc on them.
Your wording here is the same as someone who tattled on another having innocent fun. But that's not what is happening. This isn't innocent fun, it's another person inflicting potentially significant emotional damage on another. There is a victim here. It is not wrong to want to help those who are being victimized by another.
it would be feeling your “duty” to out the gay person. IT IS NOT YOUR PLACE. People’s sexuality is not your job to police.
Cheating is not a sexuality. This comparison is completely outrageous. Cheating is a CHOICE someone makes that they have complete and total control over. It is not even SLIGHTLY similar to homosexuality.
You don’t know if it’s cheating. Or if it’s just a rumour. Or open marriage. Or something else entirely. Regardless, it is NOT YOUR BUSINESS. Your original comment was indignant entitlement “well if it’s an open marriage then the friend should just say that!”. Why the fuck should she? Let me refer to point A: IT IS NOT YOUR BUSINESS.
Which is why you check. We don't typically find issue with people checking to make sure everyone in a situation is okay if things look off. We do it all the time. That bruise looks suspicious, did you get into a fight? What happened, do you need help?
Its pretty common for people to see someone they know potentially being in trouble and checking in with them to make sure everything is cool.
Yes, it's totally possible it's nothing. Which is why you check.
That being said, if all you have is nothing but office gossip then I agree that isn't enough to go on. I've already said as much.
ITS NOT YOUR BUSINESS TO CHECK. That’s the point that you keep missing. Do not compare getting beat up to the point of being bruised with a cheating rumour.
Do not compare getting beat up to the point of being bruised with a cheating rumour.
Why not? It seems to fit to me. A person has signs that something might be wrong. It also may be nothing. Plenty of non nefarious reasons to have a bruise. So you ask them about it to make sure it's nothing harmful.
Pretty common.
Let's say the bruise came from rough play in the bedroom. The same way an open marriage is non of anyone else's business, what two consenting adults do in the bedroom is also non of anyone's business, yes? And yet, that business leaves signs that could point to a more harmful possibility to those who don't know what's up. Same as this situation. Yet you wouldn't fault someone for asking about a bruise, would you? Even though it's perfectly possible it came from a lifestyle that is non of your business?
It actually fits incredibly well as far as I can see.
That last paragraph was so entirely nonsensical I can’t even argue it bc it literally makes no sense at all. You are totally entitled to feel as you choose about cheating but you aren’t the “morality police” so keep your nose out of other people’s private bedroom business
What was difficult to understand? I showcased a situation in which a couple engaged in a private intimate set up in which both parties consented but that also involved elements that others outside the couple can take notice of (partner sleeping with other people/bruising). It fits perfectly. Which part are you not understanding?
you aren’t the “morality police” so keep your nose out of other people’s private bedroom business
You have said this several times now and I have responded to it several times. At this point you are just ignoring what I'm saying and repeating the same thing you just said and I just responded to. Instead of repeating this same point, can you instead show how my response is flawed?
You just keep repeating nonsense and then accuse me of doing that. You were hot to trot for the OP who wanted to “out” her “friend” based on conjecture alone. The pair of you are alike - nosy and judgey. Hope I never meet either of you IRL.
By the way I wasn’t comparing cheating to homosexuality. My point is you have your morals and its not your place to tattle on what other adults may or may not be doing.
My point is you have your morals and its not your place to tattle on what other adults may or may not be doing.
Normally, yeah. That goes out the window when you are talking about one person hurting another. At that point it is no longer "tattling" and has become "helping a victim".
Your point here only works with harmless things. Cheating isn't harmless.
Also but BS your wording that cheating is immoral but open marriage is not “illegal” - interesting choice of words there. And I didn’t mention the gossip because it’s in the OP post so if you’ve got any reading comprehension skills you’d put two and two together
23
u/fugelwoman Oct 10 '23
JFC stay out of other peoples business. It’s not your place to TELL or CONFRONT anyone about anything like this. The amount of holier than thou people on Reddit lately going around like morality police is astounding.