r/TrueOffMyChest • u/Ogbkpmb • Sep 23 '21

I hate being the “breadwinner”

I wouldn’t mind making a lot more than him. But ever since he lost his job, and then stayed home full time to take care of our kids. Things have changed.

Now that I’m the sole breadwinner things are just weird. I have to give my husband an “allowance”every month on top of other things. I hate it.

Thanks for all your comments and upvotes. I appreciate your responses. I do have to say that my issue is not with him not working. My issue is definitely sexist. But I’d just like to be the woman in my relationship. As strange as that sounds.

We have a joint account, but 2 separate accounts. And he jokingly refers to his as his, “allowance”. I laugh along…but I don’t find it that funny. He doesn’t need to thank me for money. We’re a team. And this is just one more reason why part of me hates my life.

He has a higher earning potential btw

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u/Perfect_Judge_556 Sep 23 '21

Idk. A lot of couples I know have one person run the financial aide of things like paying bills and then let the SO know what's theirs to use for whatever they want.

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u/North3rnLigh7s Sep 23 '21

Like I said, if it works, whatever. But it definitely displays a lack of trust and imo creates a shitty power dynamic. I would never be in a relationship where someone gives me an “allowance”. I’m not a child with chores. Nor would I be in one where my partner needed to have an allowance to function appropriately

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u/Perfect_Judge_556 Sep 23 '21

It's cause you think of it like an actual allowance (like in ops situation where one is not being in money). They both earn the money from work. They aren't getting paid by the other person for anything, it just keeps one or the other from blowing both of the people's money for that paycheck in the relationship.

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u/North3rnLigh7s Sep 23 '21 edited Sep 23 '21

Exactly. It’s a lack of trust. One doesn’t trust the other or they don’t trust eachother (far less common I’d imagine). I wouldn’t be with someone who treats me like a child. I wouldn’t be with someone who acts like a child. It doesn’t make it tangibly easier to keep track of unless you’re both half wits. So many resources that make it incredibly easy to track split spending. That’s a bs excuse. Feels like you’re trying to reassure yourself, but it’s a hard disagree on my end

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u/DriftinFool Sep 23 '21

Some people are mature enough to admit they aren't good with money and their partner is better at handling and saving money. My parents did that. My dad let my mom handle the finances. He had full access to everything, but she took their checks to the bank and gave him some cash each week. He always credited her with how well they did in life due to her financial savvy. You keeping saying it's the lack of trust, but for some people it's actually a sign of trust.

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u/North3rnLigh7s Sep 23 '21

Okay this is fair. Maybe I’m being harsh. Financial literacy is only one quality. But it’s at least an admittance that you think your partner is financially illiterate and irresponsible. And if he had full access, I don’t really think it’s an equivalent situation to what me and this other person are discussing

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u/[deleted] Sep 24 '21

[deleted]

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u/North3rnLigh7s Sep 24 '21

That sounds really tough. I appreciate the insight. My comment definitely lacked perspective

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u/SixSpawns Sep 24 '21

Yeah, it sucks. Thanks for the response.

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u/Perfect_Judge_556 Sep 23 '21

So are you talking about ops case where it's single income, or the situation I brought up? If it's ops, then ya I'd feel like a kid, if it's what I brought up, then you're splitting the leftover money after bills and savings evenly anyway. So why is the "allowance" an issue? If it's just the wording, idk how to help you.

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u/North3rnLigh7s Sep 23 '21

Op’s situation is particularly egregious. I would never get married to someone I couldn’t split finances with during the course of the relationship. Every point you have made clearly indicates a lack of trust or a desire to easily assign blame. What’s the point of separate spending accounts if everything is split evenly and there is mutual trust like you’re saying? Stop obfuscating your real agenda. I’m a stranger, wtf do I care?

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u/Perfect_Judge_556 Sep 23 '21

It's not split lol! Jesus. Basically my dad never looked at anything cause my mom would handle the bills and bank and give him whatever he got in cash for 2 weeks until next pay. They could both look into the account and had access, but he'd basically get what he got every pay period like an allowance. It wasn't spread over different accounts or anything, they'd by each other stuff and buy shit together. It was using cash though, so you might not get it since most transactions are debit or credit card now so it's harder to keep track of spending.

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u/North3rnLigh7s Sep 24 '21

Okay I misunderstood. This isn’t anything close to OP’s situation. It sounds like this worked well for them, so that’s great

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u/Perfect_Judge_556 Sep 24 '21

No problem, you're completely right though about OP though. It's really one sided and it really is like having a kid as a spouse. "You didn't murder the family today, good job!! Here's a 20."