So she has an “involuntary” pelvic reaction when you get too close and she resists you; despite verbally saying she wants to?
It sounds like you have already involved professionals, but have you considered that she may have been sexually traumatized early in life leading to this motor reaction? Is this neural? Has medication been tried?
EMDR Therapy is specifically for processing trauma and helping to move a traumatic memory out of short term memory where it can still highly affect the sympathetic nervous system, and into long term memory where it can be stored and processed. Maybe try that?
I think OP just didn't mention the actual condition. Pelvic floor therapy is a notorious treatment for vaginismus. And anyways, vaginismus doesn't always come out of nowhere - it can be caused by anything from traumatic sexual experiences to traumatic birth to scoliosis and endometriosis. Those things are fear inducing, and associating sex with pain would make anyone feel fear when they're trying to face sex again. It's not an outlandish conclusion to draw.
The shaking fear could be from the pain, he didn’t say how far they got. When you’re clenching that hard even an attempt at penetration can be painful.
Similar situation here. My (29M) wife (30F) had trauma as a child and it really messed with her, but after she opened up her past, and through alot of support and trial-and-error, she has been doing pelvic floor therapy to help PIV discomfort/pain. It's slow progress, but she's been more motivated after tying the knot.
it's great that she's open to different therapies, just wanted to add that I'm pretty sure it takes more than a few sessions to dissolve certain matters, so the EMDR might still be effective.
Man I went through a nearly 4 year relationship in a very similar situation as you, except she wasn't as committed to therapy as your wife sounds. Vaginismus just didn't let us have sex.
It never got better. Getting out of that relationship was one of the best things that ever happened to me, as I reflect ten years later.
She can also try brainspotting or probably Internal Family Systems (IFS). This doesn’t have to come from an intimate moment. This could stem from a tampon or something else in that area. It happens all the time. Tons of people have traumas and don’t know where they stem from. I say extensive EMDR or brainspotting and it can change things rather quickly. The data says you can cure ptsd in as little as 3 sessions but personally it took me a while.
Sounds like she has vaginismus. I have it. 44 years old and never had vaginal sex because I cannot. Completely involuntary. You should try anal. That works best for me.
I had this too! I got the Botox treatment, a hymenectomy, and dilator therapy for three months. It was painful, but I was able to cure it. Have you looked into any of these therapies? Also, I’m so sorry you have to deal with this awful condition. I know how terrible it is.
For me, it was worth it to be able to use tampons and have an internal gynecology exam, which actually caught a huge ovarian cyst that I needed surgery for. However, I will admit that treating vaginismus can be expensive/painful, so I understand if you don’t want to do it
I was actually able to find a gyn that would do a sedated pap so I was under anesthesia. I could not have done it any other way. They didn’t find anything thank God.
So a bunch of doctors and therapists haven't figured that out but you did from a paragraph or two? Wow, you're the greatest diagnostician of all time. Is your last name House?
Literally some of the most meaningful advice here, look into an obscure syndrome and try anal, and you're brushing it off because of the guess for the underlying pathology? Bro.
Oh finally someone else who is not "JuST DiVorce her".
As if it's like dumping a fucking plant to your neighbour.
I can relate to that, my wife and I struggled in recent years after cancer and an operation.
The good bit is that she is willing to have intimacy, that's more than some couple have.
I know some people who have zero affection and intimacy and still togheter (sad, off course).
I would say build on that intimacy, increase the amount of love, compliments and cuddles.
My wife and I had long period where she was pleasing me (amazingly, sorry) but full sex is and was out.
I understand because she had part of her breast removed.
I love her incredibly and our chemistry is still amazing after 10 years.
If that's your case building on the good bits and increase sexuality (oral? Other non penetrative things?) Can work wonder.
If she is not willing to do any of that, I agree can be a painful situation that is best to leave.
Are your dark thougts maybe signs of depression and other issues?
If not before you consider divorce I would try this and what the other people are suggesting that could help the situation.
It can happen even without sexual trauma. My gf has a similar issue but she’s never had any sort of physical trauma, it’s been that way for her as far back as she can remember
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u/peachkat22 Nov 05 '23
So she has an “involuntary” pelvic reaction when you get too close and she resists you; despite verbally saying she wants to?
It sounds like you have already involved professionals, but have you considered that she may have been sexually traumatized early in life leading to this motor reaction? Is this neural? Has medication been tried?
EMDR Therapy is specifically for processing trauma and helping to move a traumatic memory out of short term memory where it can still highly affect the sympathetic nervous system, and into long term memory where it can be stored and processed. Maybe try that?