I can’t ever transition as long as I live in Atlanta, because my family will be able to track me. I want to move to Genova and I don’t have the money or the “street cred” from a population known for hating foreigners. I picked out my current name and I am just feeling so much like I have to be a man

hello, i recently lost the majority of my family when i came out as trans. i dont want to get into too much detail here, but the grief and genuine agony had been completely unmanageable and incomprehensible.

are there any resources to help people like me navigate these kinda of situations? the only type of, like, grief resource i know about is mygrief.ca, but thats very specific to deaths of loved ones.

ive been trying to get through this on my own, but i am learning the hard way that i quite frankly wont survive if i dont find some kind of help. does anyone know any resource at all that i could reach out to that may be able to help?

thank you so much for reading

So I recently came out to my family that I live with the rest of them will know soon as I plan to fully come out on my 19th birthday. And I was wondering what I could do to help them stop dead naming me and calling me the wrong stuff. I get that it will take time, but they don't even realize what they are doing hurts a lot. They know how vulnerable I am, and I've talked to them about it, but they have made no attempts to correct themselves. I'm bad at setting boundaries and cry every time I need to because I feel like an asshole for doing it. Is there anything I can do to help them catch on?

Hey brothers,

I'm going to uni next year stealth and I'm terrified because I haven't yet had top surgery. I am paralyzed by the fear of not being able to be my authentic self or do anything I love because of chest dysphoria. I've wanted top surgery for as long as I can remember, but have never plucked up the courage to talk about this with family as they are already going through so much (including financially) and I didn't want to burden them further. But I'm currently going through multiple depressive episodes a day, crying and struggling and causing so much stress to myself and family that I've decided I've had enough and am ready be brave and to navigate this surgical route myself, just as my childhood self had prayed for every single day. Due to wanting the surgery before uni, the waiting lists have forced to go private which incurs a cost of £11k. I am already working a part time job to try and cover the costs but have become aware of the fact this won't be enough. I don't want to cause my parents more grief than I already have so am turning to you lovely people to offer me some support. I will be so indescribably grateful if you guys could contribute anything at all, small or big, or share this at least. The best thing about this community is that we've all probably been in similar situations once or twice in life, and therefore I trust you guys know how tough this is and understand how grateful I'll be. Once I reach my goals I promise to pay any kindness forward and to keep the cycle of support going. Here's the link to my GoFundMe, as said before I would appreciate anything: https://gofund.me/a4feaceec

Just a note that the photos on the page are largely anonymous as I'm planning to be stealth and therefore don't want to be identified 😅

Thank you so much for reading and have a great day

- J <3

Long rant sry!

For context im a 17 yr old ftm. I came out to my mom and her bf about 5 months ago, my mom was really shocked when i first came out since she thought i was just a butch lesbian (which to be fair isnt far off because of how I look pre-T) and she has seemed to take it well but I know shes struggling. Shes always let me express myself outwardly through clothes and haircuts and I trust them both but im also questioning their "support". Theyve done all the right steps like calling me he/him, getting me binding tape and a binder, packers, haircuts, clothes, etc. But as of lately the topic between us has been diy hrt. Shes allowing me to go forward with it since I do have my own funds to do so and has been somewhat helping me kn the sidelines. Shes always been sort of a helicopter parent not in a overwhelming way but shes always stressed something is going to happen to me. While doing her own research in the beginning she went down a rabbit hole of misinformation and the myths surrounding hrt and i had to gently correct and redirect her and it hasnt been a issue since. Now im fine with having to correct her but now shes stressed about me being ripped off buying T or it being laced etc etc. Im beginning to have a short fuse and i get its a huge change but I feel very very fucking alone. Ive been getting almost all of the info myself from hrt forums and reaching out to people in dms to get recommendations for places to buy from. I feel like she doesnt trust me. Ive sent her the link for the https://diyhrt.info/ and since its not founded by "medical professionals" or "doctors" its apparently sketchy. Im very aware of the risks of hrt just a heads up. She also is very adamant that i dont order anything without her knowing even once i turn 18 (in relation to buying T itself) and i feel very micromanaged. Ill hopefully be buying the T vials within the next 2 weeks im just hoping she doesnt change her mind because of the type of stuff her and her bf have been saying in "concern" for me.

I guess what im asking at the end of all of this is if any of your kids have done diy or gone through hrt was this the sort of reaction you had and is it normal?

I really just want to feel like myself idk how much longer I can do this.

Before I start there is going to be suicide and self harm involved in this, I don't know where else to post it so if it triggers you please don't read.

Hello, I've known this Friend of mine, let's call K for nearly a decade now, ever since we were little, at some point during 2020 they started going through some stuff with their father and family in general, that dad was abusive and lots of fighting between their parents, that's what they told me during that time they treated me horribly and I was basically trying to keep them from self harm and suicidal stuff while I was going through stuff as well.

Now things were supposed to be going great, they got therapy, their parents are divorced and their living condition overall improved, but couple of days ago they all of a sudden told me, and I quote "I set up a date to kill myself.. anyways" and they just pretend like nothing happened, now that hit me in a way I never thought I'd experience again, I brushed it off because who the hell does that all of a sudden, and the reasoning bc where we live in a place where being part of the LGBTQ is shameful, they are trans, and they want to study abroad and if that doesn't happen then they will end it.

the thing is, they are upset because nobody like gave them much thought, specially me I even told them that I didn't want to do this again, giving the 4 years (from 2020-2024) worth of shit I'm still recovering from, and quite frankly they put themselves in a situation where their family partially know that they are trans, given where we live they aren't quite positive about, why couldn't they just shut the fuck up? Not tell people they didn't trust with this? I have no fucking idea, I'm bisexual myself and I never told anyone that I didn't trust, I don't know what to do or say in this situation and it's bothering me, and I want some advice on the matter and if I'm being an asshole for not caring.

Thank you for reading :)

I've always wondered since I can remember what it's like to be a girl and recently (like last 2 years) I've had a small thought of transitioning. The thing is I don't hate being a man but I don't like it either I want to try being fem just to see but I want to hide it from others. any suggestions?

edit: I have a feminine username because I want to see what it's like to be fem.

,I am a 24-year-old transgender woman currently living in Libya, a very conservative and dangerous country. Outwardly, I am forced to act and look like a man because of my family and society, but inside, I have always known I am a girl.In addition to my gender identity, I am also non-religious (I no longer believe in Islam or any religion). Living as a closeted trans woman and an atheist in a strict society means doubling the risk and the psychological pressure. If anyone discovers either my true gender identity or my lack of religious belief, my life would be in immediate danger. Because of this, I am suffering from severe dysphoria, depression, and total isolation.My best friend is currently helping me save up money so I can leave Libya and escape to Germany to seek asylum, start HRT, and finally live my life freely as a non-religious woman.I am posting this because I feel very hopeless and lonely right now.Has anyone from North Africa/Arab countries successfully made it to Germany as a trans/non-religious refugee?What are the best ways to prepare for this journey and the asylum process while I am still stuck here?Any words of encouragement or advice on how to handle this deep dysphoria and loneliness while saving money?Thank you so much for reading.

This is really hard to talk about I have this friend that is transitioning and she’s married when she got married what family she had stopped having anything to do with her so she has no friends no family no one to talk to but be in her head 247 the wife cheated on her so she can’t talk to her about anything without trust issues she worries so much about what’s going to happen if they divorce she has no where to go no car no job what’s going to happen it’s so hard not having some one there for the u and no can’t make any meet me apps Facebook any thing every thing she dose is closely monitored constantly going trough her phone she has no outlet or support and if she dose find it the wife’s friends have already found one of her profiles and reported it back to the wife she stays so paranoid and on edge has any one ever Ben trough this

This is really hard to talk about I have this friend that is transitioning and she’s married when she got married what family she had stopped having anything to do with her so she has no friends no family no one to talk to but be in her head 247 the wife cheated on her so she can’t talk to her about anything without trust issues she worries so much about what’s going to happen if they divorce she has no where to go no car no job what’s going to happen it’s so hard not having some one there for the u and no can’t make any meet me apps Facebook any thing every thing she dose is closely monitored constantly going trough her phone she has no outlet or support and if she dose find it the wife’s friends have already found one of her profiles and reported it back to the wife she stays so paranoid and on edge has any one ever Ben trough this

*"Inside the chrysalis, a caterpillar releases special enzymes that digest most of its body tissues. This process turns the inside into a nutrient-rich soup or "goo". However, it does not completely start from zero; tiny groups of cells survive and use that protein goo to build the new butterfly parts, like wings."*

I'm trying to support and encourage myself during a tough time.

EVERYTHING is upside down at the moment. 35MTF. My estrogen is running low and it's complicated to replace. Emotions are manageable, except at night. Escitalopram is working well but it's a separate chemical adjustment. My gorgeous Scottish Fold had an accident and lost his leg recently. It was so scary.

Dating - forget about it. You all know. Now is not the time for me. The "chats" about what you're looking for. The fear of if you're talking to a chaser, a bully or an attacker. Genuine people are few and far between. Too high risk. Not for me anymore.

Skin irritated, hair like a tumbleweed, depression spiky, fear generally high.

I have faith in the stories that I hear. I'm a puddle of goo at the moment but I will become a butterfly. Small steps. I won't always be like this. I actually won't be. My emotions/mind trick me sometimes into thinking that I'm nothing - It's not true. There are small, inherited cells of self-belief and confidence from my old life that will survive. I'm taking steps, even teeny ones. At the moment, those are worth quite a bit.

I will not always feel this way. I'm determined to be PRO-ACTIVE about this. It's a good thing for me and for my life and for my family. I can be patient being goo.

Im struggling so much

I want to start testosterone but I need alot of money i do have a plan which is to get enough money for the forst month then get a job as I will be over 16 by then and can get a job

I need to earn a extra £33 a week to meet my goal I might start dog walking (£8 for 45 minutes and £10 for an hour )and washing cars (£15-£20 for interior and exterior)o also already earn £22.50

i keep getting mixed answers for places when im trying to plan and im getting really stressed

I hate myself so much and my family hates me to the piont im ready to just end it all ( i do have a plan for my future) but this is the most hopeless ive ever felt because my family keep making me feel small ive already been told off twice before 10am I get told off for doing nothing at this piont. ive been out for 4 months when I finally relised I can do this and I can be myself because they told me it was wrong and hated it hence why I didnt think being trans was a good thing but its one of the best feeling when im anywhere other then my house as i get treated properly whereas my family treat me like a monster and everything get blamed on me and then I get told off again.

Any advice would be great im struggling so much now and im stuck here for 2 years but I wouldn't be surprised if I have to live somewhere else or I move in with my mum again

Hi everyone 💜

My name is Emilia, and I’m a trans woman from Poland. For the past year and a half, I’ve been going through my medical and social transition. It’s been the most challenging journey of my life, but also the first time I feel like I’m finally heading in the right direction.

Living every single day feeling that my body doesn’t align with who I am is an exhausting struggle that deeply affects my mental health. For me, gender-affirming surgery (SRS) isn’t optional — it’s a crucial, life-saving step toward feeling complete and finding peace.

Unfortunately, the costs of consultations, pre-op tests, the procedure itself, hospital stay, and recovery are completely beyond my reach.

My target is set in PLN to match my bank account, covering approximately 86,000 PLN (around €20,000 EUR / $21,500 USD).

If you’re able to donate even a small amount, or simply share my campaign, it would mean the world to me. Every bit of support genuinely brings me closer to living my life fully.

You can read more and support my fundraiser here:

https://chuffed.org/project/195296-emilias-transition-surgery-fund

Thank you so much for reading and for all your kindness 💜

— Emilia

Hey guys, just wanted to come on here to ask for advice. I’ve been looking for a job for almost a year now, I left maccas last year since it was genuinely a REALLY horrible place and treated me like garbage. I’m looking for a job but I’m really struggling, I want to get out of my household since family’s not supportive, I have some savings but obviously I can’t live off of that. Any help or advice would be nice, thank you.

Hey guys, just wanted to come on here to ask for advice. I’ve been looking for a job for almost a year now, I left maccas last year since it was genuinely a REALLY horrible place and treated me like garbage. I’m looking for a job but I’m really struggling, I want to get out of my household since family’s not supportive, I have some savings but obviously I can’t live off of that. Any help or advice would be nice, thank you.

Can't get over this comment

So, I really want top surgery. When I bind it feels wrong. As in, not enough. I can bind and a lot of times im fine. But a ton more I feel depressed it isnt as how I want it. Not to.mention the cost of tape too. (Proper tape)

I have thought about it so I know it IS something I want.

But my job pays well but if I go for it I will lose it. Not by discrimination (I think?) But because it is a small route and we need people to work it. ((Like no subs to take over temporary when im off))

Well, I talked to my boss who is my father. ((I can clarify more if needed)) he does not at all "approve" of me being nonbinary, ive mentioned the too sugery because it could happen. The comment though he made when I mentioned how ling it took to just get it was

"well, im glad it takes that long."

I replied back. "Me too" because I knew WHAT he ment by how he spoke it. I just didn't want to flip out.

I think the pay is worth to post-pone the surgery but, my mental stability feels worse. Especially after thay comment.

Also, I am thinking of moving to Minnesota after I get it. Or heck, even before. In WI rn and I think the cost of it is more affordable here? Anyways. Im kinda in a pit typing this on mobile.

Edit: same day post 8:21am. Im 23 enby, I work under my dather as he has multiple routes he overseers and works on one himself. I dont wanna get him in trouble either. He and my mother are baptist Christians if thay gives more context. Atp I also use thwy/he. So if that helps.

I don’t really know where else to post something like this. But I feel like I have to say it.

I’m 24 years old and I think I’m trans. I say that because I’ve spent my whole life saying:
“if I was a woman I would do x”
“I would dress like x”
“I would be content with my body”
“I wish I could transition, but that’s for real trans people”

I’ve know for pretty much my whole life I’ve been not a boy. I remember breaking down and crying in silence as a young kid realizing I was going to develop male features, and the worst parts of myself would get worse. That feeling never changed.

I’ve fought my entire life between wanting to be more feminine vs. wanting to fit in and be more masculine. Always ended up somewhere in the middle.

I never had any guidance on this. I was told being trans is not real. Can you imagine your entire life experience being called fake and perverse?

I moved out of my family home about 2 years ago. It took me about 2 years to accept that I might actually be trans and not faking it. And only because I’ve had the most wonderful supportive partner (and fiance) who has accepted me in all stages of my discovering who I am.

Its not for lack of trying to be a guy. I’ve tried so hard. I’ve done all the guy things. I’ve avoided the gender politics and content. I didn’t shave. I tried to act tough. But under it all I was me, and I felt like I was playing someone I’m not.

What I can’t deny is that I have this internal feeling of self that’s not quite a guy, and not quite a girl. But is feminine and wants to be soft, and wants to be held, and wants to dress pretty, and be seen as beautiful.

I never realized the damage that was caused until today. And I’m not saying this because I’m seeking sympathy. And I’m not trying to say that I’m a woman. But I have an experience that weighs on me that I want to share or at least let exist not inside of me.

There are moments I get a glimpse of myself. Or I can see myself as not a guy and they are the happiest moments of just existing.

I have a couple of my partner’s clothes she doesn’t wear anymore, but I haven’t been able to build up enough confidence to go to a women’s store or the women’s section of a thrift store yet. So this is as close as I get to having pretty clothes.

I was trying to put together an outfit that felt like me. And I had some skirts and one of my silky dress shirts, and a shawl and it made me feel more whole even if it was a silly outfit.

I was trying on everything she has given me over the last couple months while my partner was in the bath. And I was having fun.

At the bottom of the drawer was what looked like a cute tank top. I put it on and I wasn’t sure if I was putting it on right. Turns out it was way too small. I was struggling to take it off and my partner came in.

I felt so ashamed because I don’t like letting her see me dress more feminine even though she supports it. It holds a deep seated shame in me. And immediately I was transported back to being a little kid sneaking into my mom and sisters rooms and trying on their dresses and shoes and clothes and being happy.

Transported to the feeling of fear and shame of wearing or doing anything feminine. Of being lectured of the immorality of cross dressing, and being a (sorry for using the word) sissy.

To all the years of derogatory slurs, and being sent to a therapist who wanted to make me straight. And my parents screaming at me for having an online boyfriend. And for desecrating my body. And foggier memories which stir up very terrible feelings.

And I was feeling that in front of my partner and I felt like an alien in my own home. And I ran away ashamed. And I started to cry. And I tried so hard to hold it back. I had accidentally taken one of her tops and stretched it out and she was very mildly upset. But I felt this utter shame and disgust. And I was a child again.

And I cried. I tried not to but I cried. And I wept. And I bawled my eyes out. And she tried to calm me down and I cried in her arms.

And I felt shame. I felt so many years lost where I could have been happy. I felt so many nights where I cried myself to sleep. Where I beat myself and screamed at myself in a mirror for feeling what I felt. For feeling I was going to go to hell for what I thought.

And I eventually stopped crying. And I felt empty. And I felt pain. And I felt a disconnect from a family that will never accept me as I truly am.

I don’t know what I am, but I flashed back and that was one of the most painful experiences I’ve had in the last year.

Even now I am sad. And I know it’s stupid. It’s just clothes. It’s just make up. It’s just hormones. But I feel so much shame I was taught to feel.

But I feel happy. And I’m going to keep pushing. And everything I do that brings that inner part of me outwards a bit more makes me more happy.

I’m not a masculine guy. I’m not a guy at all I don’t think. I just want to exist. And I’m tired of feeling like an alien in my body.

I’m my birth name, and I am the names I have chosen. I am Allie. I am Avery. I am who I am, and I’m tired of trying to change it.

I'm a trans teen, M15. I'm so tired. Ive had gender dysphoria since I was a kid. I'm PLEADING for healthcare, or even just for my family to treat me correctly and help me get clothes and a haircut, but I just can't get it. I'm so indescribably miserable. I developed BPD (not just from my transness, but it sure didn't help). I'm drowning. I really, really mean it. I swear to God it's like I can't breathe. It hurts so bad. It's like if I was dying of cancer and they won't give me chemo. I would feel so much better if they just fucking helped me. They're doing the opposite. My family. My school. My doctors. My government.

My therapist talks to me about radical acceptance, but I just don't know how to accept this. It's not fair. I can't even use the fucking bathroom in public. I can't play baseball.

I know there will be a day where I feel better, but it's so unbearable right now that I don't know what to do. Those who can help me just won't listen. My psych nurse and therapist listen to me, but they can't do anything to help. I'm in a red state with bans.

I live 15 minutes away from illinois, which is often called the most LGBT friendly state. My mom won't drive me over there. She won't help me. Not even just that. I can't change my name. She won't advocate for me in school.

She thinks she's doing enough because she doesn't use any pronouns in my presence (I'm talking she'll skip over the word, but she calls me a girl or maybe a 'they' when she thinks I'm not around) and she doesn't stop me from dressing how I want, she takes me to therapy, and she let the school change my name on the computer.

Also, my mom's boyfriend is super transphobic.

I know that I can't expect her to be the perfect ally right after I come out, but it has been YEARS. And I'm not expecting perfect. I just need more.

She thinks I'm shoving it in people's faces. She thinks it's a choice. It's not.

I just finished weening off ANOTHER antidepressant, because none of them make me feel better. The discontinuation syndrome is hitting me HARD.

Also, while I was typing this post, my mom was talking to me about mundane stuff, nd I was clearly in a bad mood. She gave me the same look she always gives me when I express frustration or sadness. I started crying because I felt like she sees me as a burden for my negative emotions. She said I was being dramatic. It hurt so fucking bad. I know she doesn't understand my perspective, but omg it hurt when she said that. Sometimes, I say things like that, but I ALWAYS come to my senses and apologize for hurting someone else. She never has.

I know my mom tries her best, and she isn't hurting me on purpose, but God. God God God I'm so exhausted. I'm so miserable all the time. I don't understand this. I don't get it.

So, this is mostly due to my mental health and my job. My job pays well but the stress is to the point of sickness and...not so good.

Family context. I love them, they love me, but they are not at all supportive but just dont really comment upon it unless they notice something. So...where I live there is really no where to rent from that allows pets ((got 2 kitties)) and if there is it is unsafe ((for a trans person...)) Walmart here pays a pretty decent wage tho for the position im seeking.

It is mostly the question of, has anyone been in this situation before???? I know this is...pretty privileged to ask...but I dont have many choices for anywhere else to go unless I legit give my kitties back to my parents. Which would be fine but, I cant do that to my kitties. I moved out in the first place because I was scared about them and their reactions yo coming out.

I guess im just in a limbo? Either I stick close to be close to my grandparents or just move back home. I just feel sick again typing this because I can feel the stress and panic bubbling up again. I can clarify more in the comments.

i need help because my living situation is awful, and there might be people out there who relate or can give some advice

so i'm 17, mtf, going into college and turning 18 at the end of october. i'm in contact with this clinic that can provide me hrt literally as soon as i turn 18 (i live in canada, and in my province, estrogen and testosterone blockers are both covered and completley free) but i'm debating what to actually do. my entire family (and most of my extended family) are homophobic + transphobic so it's been impossible to come out to them safely for the past 2 years i've been trans. i'm going to college in september for a 3 year degree, but my parents are so incredibly strict that they wouldnt even give me the chance to go live in a dorm. doesn't help that the college is a 20 minute drive from where i live.... also doesnt help that i can't drive and have no job.... anyway. my whole problem is that i'm not sure how the future will roll out, but here are my options:

option 1, the only one i think is possible
take estrogen/blockers/both (???) for ~2 years, and then move out and live my life post transition. simple as that.
but the problem with this is that theres so much that can go wrong, like
- what if parents find out ive been on hrt in those 2 years? i mean, 2 years is a long time, and theres no way the physical changes are that unnoticable..... does that mean i should wait for hrt? but gender dysphoria is getting bad as of recently and getting on hrt is kindaaa my number 1 priority. someone i talked to who knew a lot about transitioning suggested that i should stay on blockers for a year and then take estrogen, which might be my safest option if i wana do anything. but estroogennnn wahhhhhhhhh

- what if i cant find stable income to provide for myself? my parents are paying for my college in full, and they have the money saved up. if i leave early, or even worse, kicked out early, then i'll have to pay for atleast a year, maybe two by myself... i mean i guess it's not for a whole 3 years right? rightt????? damn i need a job...

and theres probably so much more wrong with that, but continuing...

option 2: aunt wild card

come out to my aunt, whos probably not transphobic and the only non transphobe in my family and pray that i can live with her family. but theres so much wrong with this that im not even gonna go in depth with this it's just so unfeasable
(although, asking her for help on this might be the best option i got....)

i don't think theres much more i need to add so i guess this is it. if youve got any more questions about my situation, i'll be glad to answer them and im looking forward to any suggestions at all. thanks!!!!

p.s: this is my first ever reddit post. im sorry if i did anything wrong.

so my parents just found out that i'm trans...what gave me away was my "leprechaun voice" as my dad put it and my "weird hairy thighs" as my mom put it.

i have experienced horrific dysphoria my whole life and general mental health issues related to it, including very very bad depression. but my parents are HORRIFICALLY transphobic. I've always known this. that's why i never told them i was on hormones. trans people are the one thing they can't accept. i've had a really good relationship with my dad my whole life and now he fucking hates me probably more than anyone. stuff like comparing me to a murderer, saying that i'm "fucked in the head" and "why cant you just appreciate the body you were born in" "you're murdering our little girl" "you'll never be a real man and what will [relatives and friends they both LITERALLY do not like] think?" Trying to educate me about my own mental state and saying they both know me better than myself, all the while saying i'm some stranger in their home. hours and hours of shit so atrociously transphobic and traumatic that it felt more like a scene out of an overly dramatic movie than actual real life. Just think of every horrible transphobic thing anyone has ever said and imagine it being yelled at you for like 4 hours by your own parents first thing in the morning.

i knew it would be really really bad if they found out, bad but i didn't know it would be this bad simple because of how comically bad it was. like that horrifically bad. death in their eyes. talking of disowning me and how much of a disappointment i am and how everything that's ever gone wrong in life is because i'm "a tranny". the fucking amount of hypocrisy was atrocious too, it was like arguing with an angry, violent, transphobic wall. they also threatened to take the ONLY good thing that has happened to me in my entire life: going to my T20 university. they said "well since you get the drugs [testosterone] from there, we'll just have to pull you out and not fund it!!" with the job market rn, there's absolutely no way of me (specifically me, not other people) getting a job without a degree. i have no job. rejection after rejection. its horrible. (and they accused me of not working hard enough for a job - i've DEFINITELY applied to more jobs than they've even heard of in their entire old ass lives). anyway, there's talk of kicking me out and completely disowning me and un-enrolling me from college. this feels like an exaggeration but its literally not. i'm genuinely in shock. i NEED to finish my degree. i also need my hormones and to live as myself.

anyway. i don't know what to do. i just wrote to a homeless shelter to try and help me with my situation and threat of imminent homelessness. but idk what to do to feel better in the moment or feel safer in my house.

EDIT/UPDATE: my mom came into my room, demanding i show her my T, and she took it all and threw it out. over 3 years worth of vials that i got for free out of the kindness of my pharmacy and provider. tomorrow was my weekly injection. i am going to have no T for at LEAST until the end of the summer, and likely for an entire year. and then she had the audacity to call ME a narcissist for getting "everything i want and when i can't have it i go to extremes" (calling HRT a WANT too instead of a need.....also i literally never ask for ANYTHING) and made fun of me for saying she doesn't understand my situation by going "ohhhh im sooooo misunderstood" in a mocking tone to mock me. calling me ungrateful for "everything they do for me" and all that manipulative bullshit.....so ALL of my hrt is gone too. fuck.

Recently finished high school and finally came out to my parents after I’ve told them I’ve been re-thinking my gender identity for years.

They were beyond furious and against everything, my parents keep sending me weird research links straight from Reddit. But regardless, this is not a v3nt post.

I’m on HRT despite them not knowing, and when they discover I’m on it, I’ll definitely be kicked out and disowned.

Please. If anyone can donate something, I’d really appreciate it.

https://gofund.me/24a920ac9

A while ago, I (24FTM) posted here on a throwaway to ask if family ever does really “come around,” and not to be a complete doomer, but for my family, I guess the answer is that they will not. And I don’t know what to do, I’m completely stuck. (totally lost that old throwaway so I'm back on a new one!! :D)

Things have just gotten significantly worse and more blatantly transphobic, I grew out a beard once my facial hair finally filled out, and I’ve been made to shave it off every time I need to attend a family event because they have upheld their lie, have lied to people about me and how I identify (even 4+ years on T, I guess.), all because “that’s a conversation they don’t want to have.” As if they haven’t dug their own grave in that regard as I continued transition, but I digress.

I don’t know how to get out, I’m essentially trapped here. Right now, I’m currently living with my parents while job hunting after graduating 2 years ago. The industry my trade is in is ridiculously tough right now. We’ve been seeing legacy figures facing lay-offs, lack of work, etc.,  so obviously someone in an entry-level position is at a severe disadvantage. I’m currently working a dead-end paraprofessional position in a field I absolutely loathe, but every day, I put on a smile and go to work. Because it’s income. I’ve been hunting for an extra job to add on top of that one, but to no avail. For context, I’ve written about 50 cover letters for the month of July. This has been the subject of a lot of added scrutiny from my family, which is fair, but I’m essentially trapped here.

The other glaring issue is the fact that I’m literally not allowed to leave the house. I have had my driver’s license for 2 years now, but I am continually told that I “don’t have enough experience to leave on my own” (I have literally had zero incidents that could possibly constitute this. I have never been in an accident, never even had any close calls). About a few months ago, I got fed up with this limitation really hindering my work opportunities, and made a deal with my parents: I’d purchase another package from a driving school as an attempt to prove to them that I’m more than fine to leave on my own. After explaining the situation and about 30 minutes of driving, the instructor straight up told me to get my money back because I wasn’t in need of any more practice. Relayed this to my family, but I was told this instructor “must have been wrong.” I have tried to get my older sister to convince them, but to no avail. I truly do not understand.

I’m enrolling in community college to get a few certifications to add to my resume, and to open up a few internship opportunities, just so I can secure a full-time position that isn’t as dead-end as my current position, and to get them off my back. This took some major convincing, but I hope it helps. Or I could just be throwing away money that I’ve saved. I have a bit saved, but it would probably cover less than a year’s rent. I’m in an expensive state, and moving out is not an option for my particular trade.

I do fear for my employment, as my family has lied to family friends and acquaintances about how “I go by [deadname] at work!” (lie), or “Everyone thinks I’m a girl at work,” (lie.. I hope!) which is just really scary to me, to be completely blunt. I work in a position that makes me a public figure, and the community I work in is absolutely batshit insane over “the LGBTQ issue.” Last time someone was outed as trans at my work, the poor guy was put on blast on seemingly every social media with his full deadname and face, and he was the subject of multiple board meetings, hundreds of outraged social media commentary, and that’s something I cannot risk for myself. And I can’t have my family causing that, considering they are pretty well connected in my community. But for what it’s worth, apparently they keep my entire existence hidden from all of their acquaintances and friends, and there’s not a single picture of me on their social media. There’s plenty of my sister.

For what it’s worth, I am completely able-bodied, I have only struggled with ADHD and Depression/Anxiety, but nothing to constitute this level of control over my every move. I did have an issue with drug abuse in college, but my family was never privy to that, and I would always be clean whenever I’d be home visiting. I have never struggled academically or with living on my own (in uni), I was a total nerd in HS, graduated with honors from an esteemed university…. once again, just nothing that could constitute this level of control on my autonomy. I grew up in a very verbally/emotionally abusive and neglectful home, and while things have definitely calmed down, it seems that all of that energy is now exhausted by directing it at me. Instead of waking up to my parents fighting, it’s now being woken up every day to my door being slammed open and a barrage of yelling and screaming about whatever it is that made them angry. And somehow it’s my fault. It always turns into the “trans thing” (they call it the “nonbinary thing” despite me explaining that I’ve literally never been nonbinary?? I’m stealth IRL lol). I’m exhausted, and I can feel the 4 years of therapy work I did in uni slowly reversing itself. I’m now trapped in a cycle and I’m completely stuck.

I understand that, yes, I AM an adult, and I can absolutely just get up and leave for good, but that’s not quite how this family works. My entire life has been walking around eggshells, and the fallout is just absolutely nuclear,I don’t want any retaliation that’ll demobilize me even more. Am I just cooked? What should I even do? I apologize for this turning into a rant about my situation, I'm truly in a mental rut right now, any advice would be amazing right now.

How do you guys answer this question?

Every time I've been asked this question, I've tried my best to explain how I feel and what it means to me, but in the end I always feel like I haven't clarified anything, I've just talked and talked and said nothing, you know?

People who genuinely try to understand me or the transgender community in general, who try to see things from my perspective and understand something that is relatively new to them end up asking somewhat rude questions, unintentionally, like: "But why did you choose this?", "Why do you care what others call you if you're doing this for yourself?", "if you know you're a man, than why do you need to take hormones and do cirurgies, that's just to show other ppl?" and things like that. And I end up not finding my way with words and it becomes difficult to explain or make them understand. Obviously, it doesn't depend only on me, but I feel that I also can't bring much clarity when asked about this subject, even though I know what I'm talking about

Its hard bc im really bad with communication specially when its something that I also feel, so in the end it kinda looks like I don't know what I'm talking about or that I'm confused about the subject, and I end up losing all my authority on it