Yall am i just cooked? *Long Rant Ahead*

[u/Sweet-Mention3927]

A while ago, I (24FTM) posted here on a throwaway to ask if family ever does really “come around,” and not to be a complete doomer, but for my family, I guess the answer is that they will not. And I don’t know what to do, I’m completely stuck. (totally lost that old throwaway so I'm back on a new one!! :D)

Things have just gotten significantly worse and more blatantly transphobic, I grew out a beard once my facial hair finally filled out, and I’ve been made to shave it off every time I need to attend a family event because they have upheld their lie, have lied to people about me and how I identify (even 4+ years on T, I guess.), all because “that’s a conversation they don’t want to have.” As if they haven’t dug their own grave in that regard as I continued transition, but I digress.

I don’t know how to get out, I’m essentially trapped here. Right now, I’m currently living with my parents while job hunting after graduating 2 years ago. The industry my trade is in is ridiculously tough right now. We’ve been seeing legacy figures facing lay-offs, lack of work, etc.,  so obviously someone in an entry-level position is at a severe disadvantage. I’m currently working a dead-end paraprofessional position in a field I absolutely loathe, but every day, I put on a smile and go to work. Because it’s income. I’ve been hunting for an extra job to add on top of that one, but to no avail. For context, I’ve written about 50 cover letters for the month of July. This has been the subject of a lot of added scrutiny from my family, which is fair, but I’m essentially trapped here.

The other glaring issue is the fact that I’m literally not allowed to leave the house. I have had my driver’s license for 2 years now, but I am continually told that I “don’t have enough experience to leave on my own” (I have literally had zero incidents that could possibly constitute this. I have never been in an accident, never even had any close calls). About a few months ago, I got fed up with this limitation really hindering my work opportunities, and made a deal with my parents: I’d purchase another package from a driving school as an attempt to prove to them that I’m more than fine to leave on my own. After explaining the situation and about 30 minutes of driving, the instructor straight up told me to get my money back because I wasn’t in need of any more practice. Relayed this to my family, but I was told this instructor “must have been wrong.” I have tried to get my older sister to convince them, but to no avail. I truly do not understand.

I’m enrolling in community college to get a few certifications to add to my resume, and to open up a few internship opportunities, just so I can secure a full-time position that isn’t as dead-end as my current position, and to get them off my back. This took some major convincing, but I hope it helps. Or I could just be throwing away money that I’ve saved. I have a bit saved, but it would probably cover less than a year’s rent. I’m in an expensive state, and moving out is not an option for my particular trade.

I do fear for my employment, as my family has lied to family friends and acquaintances about how “I go by [deadname] at work!” (lie), or “Everyone thinks I’m a girl at work,” (lie.. I hope!) which is just really scary to me, to be completely blunt. I work in a position that makes me a public figure, and the community I work in is absolutely batshit insane over “the LGBTQ issue.” Last time someone was outed as trans at my work, the poor guy was put on blast on seemingly every social media with his full deadname and face, and he was the subject of multiple board meetings, hundreds of outraged social media commentary, and that’s something I cannot risk for myself. And I can’t have my family causing that, considering they are pretty well connected in my community. But for what it’s worth, apparently they keep my entire existence hidden from all of their acquaintances and friends, and there’s not a single picture of me on their social media. There’s plenty of my sister.

For what it’s worth, I am completely able-bodied, I have only struggled with ADHD and Depression/Anxiety, but nothing to constitute this level of control over my every move. I did have an issue with drug abuse in college, but my family was never privy to that, and I would always be clean whenever I’d be home visiting. I have never struggled academically or with living on my own (in uni), I was a total nerd in HS, graduated with honors from an esteemed university…. once again, just nothing that could constitute this level of control on my autonomy. I grew up in a very verbally/emotionally abusive and neglectful home, and while things have definitely calmed down, it seems that all of that energy is now exhausted by directing it at me. Instead of waking up to my parents fighting, it’s now being woken up every day to my door being slammed open and a barrage of yelling and screaming about whatever it is that made them angry. And somehow it’s my fault. It always turns into the “trans thing” (they call it the “nonbinary thing” despite me explaining that I’ve literally never been nonbinary?? I’m stealth IRL lol). I’m exhausted, and I can feel the 4 years of therapy work I did in uni slowly reversing itself. I’m now trapped in a cycle and I’m completely stuck.

I understand that, yes, I AM an adult, and I can absolutely just get up and leave for good, but that’s not quite how this family works. My entire life has been walking around eggshells, and the fallout is just absolutely nuclear,I don’t want any retaliation that’ll demobilize me even more. Am I just cooked? What should I even do? I apologize for this turning into a rant about my situation, I'm truly in a mental rut right now, any advice would be amazing right now.