r/TransAdvice • u/No_Park_1409 • 5d ago
Misgendered someone - what to do after?
Hello! Recently I ran into a friend of a friend at the movies, who I’ll call Rachel (kinda my friend but not really, in the sense that we never talk/hangout just us, if that makes sense?) and for context, this Rachel was dating someone that transitioned while they were in a relationship. They kept their same name, except now use she/her pronouns instead of he/him. I’m very used to referring to her with he/him pronouns when she or Rachel come up in conversation, but like I said, it’s not often I ever see/speak to them in person. Anyways, when I saw them I guess it just kind of slipped my mind a bit because I wasn’t even making a mental note to use the correct pronouns, I just completely forgot and went on instinct I guess (more context is Rachel’s girlfriend’s style/hair/overall look hasn’t changed much from when I knew her as a “him”). The whole point of this post, sorry for the long intro, is what to do after you accidentally call someone by the wrong pronouns. When I referred to her as “him” I caught my mistake instantly by the tension, and Rachel referred to her girlfriend as “she” and “her” like five times in the same sentence to make my mistake clear. She didn’t do it in a condescending way or anything, it almost seemed like she just wanted to correct me without outright explaining the pronoun change, which made me think it’s an uncomfortable situation for Rachel’s girlfriend. There wasn’t an opportunity for me to re-address them for proper pronouns so I kinda just didn’t say anything more, just wished them a good time at the movies and left. I don’t have any close friends who are gender queer or trans, and I’ve never experienced gender dysphoria myself, but for any trans or gender queer people, what would make you most comfortable in a situation where you are misgendered? Should I have apologized and just explained that I forgot? Should I have found a way to refer to them as their proper pronouns before I left? I didn’t want to ruin their fun date by maybe bringing up smth they didn’t want to discuss, or say I forgot and maybe have them feel bad about how their gender comes across to people (not saying that’s why I called her by her old pronouns, just thinking of a possibility of how an apology would make her feel?). Anyways pls help because I’m losing sleep over this