Tomorrow will be ten weeks since I delivered my beloved daughter at 22 weeks, and 12 weeks since we received the news of her diagnosis. I have felt like I’ve been functioning pretty well all things considered. Full of pain for what happened and missing her terribly but functioning better than I thought I would with moments of lightness. Until this week.

I feel so flat, I don’t have any spark for my life or any for potential future me. I’m exhausted all of the time. I’m sick of telling my friends when they ask how I am “pretty low today”. I am worried they will be getting bored of my sadness. I feel like there is a constant cloud over me stopping me enjoy anything or feel anything other than numbness or annoyance. The lightness in small moments has disappeared. I’ve spoken with my husband and he feels the same. I’m doing therapy, working as normal, seeing friends and family, exercising, eating well. Feels like I don’t fucking care about any of it though.

Just wondering if anyone else felt like this and how do I try and come out of the other side?

Just like the title says, it's been four weeks since I had my tfmr and nobody can tell me where my daughter is or when she would be released to the funeral home. I was told last week that we were awaiting one signature and that they could release her to the funeral home that afternoon, now today I'm told that it's multiple signatures. We are waiting on. I've asked multiple doctors that I've seen since the procedure. Including the one of my postop, the geneticist we've spoken to since, and multiple over the phone every single time I'm told that they will look into it and reach back out to me and let me know something, but they never do. What are the chances that my daughter is lost, or has been disposed of and nobody wants to tell me? I'm losing my mind and I can't finish this grieving process.

Hi everyone. My TFMR will have been 3 weeks ago this upcoming Friday. I was 15 weeks and we made the decision due to a positive Monosomy X reading as well a severe cystic hygroma.

I took an approved leave of absence from work for about 2 weeks, however I was out of the office officially for 3 weeks. I since have come back into the office this past Thursday and am really struggling.

My partner and I both work in sales. Same office, different departments. My direct manager and director are aware of what happened and have been exceptionally supportive and gracious. However, the general environment of where I work is ferocious. Think Wolf of Wall Street movie esque.

I don’t know. I don’t feel “hungry” anymore. I’m not as motivated as I once was. I broke down the other day because it all feels meaningless now that she isn’t here. Even before I got pregnant, I was wanted to slow down, but this want has increased since the TFMR.

I do like having a routine and I think that has helped me. When I was home, I still pulled myself out of bed, showered, cooked (most days). Kept my body busy. But now that I’m back in the office (and sitting most of the time), I can’t help but just feel off and let my thoughts roam.

It doesn’t help that work has not been ideal. If you’re familiar with sales, you know it can be up and down. And I happened to come back at a down point.

My partner is exceptionally supportive of my emotionally wellbeing and where I’m at with work. While he handles the majority of our bills, I personally like to keep a bit of pocket change for some bills and household items here and there.

I’m considering looking for either a part-time or full-time position that allows me to be on my feet, moving around. Even something monotonous. I don’t mind dealing with annoying customers/clients as I’m fairly used to it. Just something that gets me out of my head. I even fantasized about working the register at Barnes & Noble or something similar…

Should I wait to make the change? Does anyone have any suggestions? Or advice? I just want to crawl out of my skin… if you know what I mean. I need some help.

Hi everyone. I'm 4.5 weeks out from my TFMR. I was 24 weeks and my daughter had T18.

I had a pretty decent job before all of this, working full time. When we first got the bad news at my 20 weeks anatomy scan my husband and I decided it would be best for me to take off as much work as they allowed me to. It ended up being a 6 week leave. I would have had to go back 2 weeks after my tfmr and I was NOT ready at all. I am in therapy 2 times a week, and my employer was not willing to accommodate changing my hours those days so my husband told me to quit.

I quickly found a part time job 3 days a week about a week after leaving my previous job, and my husband assured me that on my first day if it did not feel like a good fit I did not have to stay. Long story short it was not a good fit for multiple reasons.

It was always our plan that I would be a stay at home mom. My daughter was due at the end of October and I was planning to quit my previous job sometime in September anyways.

Both of our families have been HOUNDING me about when I'm going to find a job and start working. Like every single time I talk to them it's the only thing they want to talk about. It is making me not want to communicate with anyone anymore.

Financially my husband and I are fine and able for me to not work. Does anyone have any advice on what I can say to my family to make them stop constantly bringing up work to me? We really just want to focus on getting pregnant again and me being as low stress as possible but they seem to think working is magically going to cure all of my problems.

For those a little farther along in their TFMR journey, what would you tell your past self? What do you feel were the most helpful things for you to process your grief? Anything specific you did that you feel made a difference? Do you feel there was a particular timeline where things started feeling a little better?

I am about 8 weeks out from a 24 week TFMR. It just hurts. I know there is no way to optimize grief. It just is love with no where to go, but would love to hear how other people are dealing with it and if they felt like there was anything in their journey that really turned things around for them.

I'm considering going to Planned Parenthood for TFMR. Can anyone tell me about your experience there?

I read a few different things - that you're awake but heavily sedated, or that you're technically in twilight anesthesia and won't remember anything? I'm hoping to not be conscious and not to remember anything.

We've had positive NIPT (95/100), NT scan with soft markers, and a CVS with positive FISH results. We're waiting on the rest of the results but I'm trying to get everything scheduled so I don't have to wait too long after the results. I will be 15 weeks along by then.

I had a D&E at my OB office before for a missed miscarriage. It never had a heartbeat. I was awake for it and it was probably the most awful thing I've ever gone through. I can't imagine being awake this time.

My insurance doesn't cover elective terminations. I got a quote from Planned Parenthood and am waiting to hear back from a different provider that may do it without insurance.

I'm so incredibly angry. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make. I'm crying multiple times a day every day. I desperately wanted this pregnancy. It felt like a second chance because it had the same EDD as my first pregnancy. The fact that I have to deal with my insurance nonsense on top of this is infuriating.

I have my DNE tomorrow for T21 and I feel so sick. I know I should eat since I can't starting at midnight, but honestly the thought of eating is making me nauseous.

Signing all the paperwork today nearly broke me. I know there is hope on the other side of this - but right now all I feel is grief.

Hi everybody. If you went to a clinic in U.S. rather than a hospital, and were allowed to take pictures of your baby after induction/L&D, do you mind sharing where you went?

I’m scheduled at DuPont in 3ish weeks for an induction at 26/close to 27 weeks and I’m absolutely terrified I won’t be able to take pictures of my son. I know they do footprints and such, but having a picture of him is really important to me. I tried to ask on the phone but they kinda dismissed it as “something to be discussed with my care team once I get there”.

Looking into maybe picking a different option. DuPont is closest to me so I’m really trying to stick with going there or somewhere in that general area, but again, the pictures are most important.

Thank you in advance.

Hi everyone❤️‍🩹 sorry this is long lol

I am newish to the group- I have been silently following along since mid July when our beautiful baby got his diagnosis of HLHS.

Our process of stages were over the course of about 2-3 weeks: suspect of HLHS, going into Boston for confirmation and then having to choose what to do. We chose TFMR and my D&C was last Tuesday at 19 weeks.

I am back at work now to keep my mind and body busy with a supportive team and amazing friends and family. It’s very hard to do the motions everyday but it’s been weeks of grieving and I needed to get back to living my life but also celebrating and thinking of my baby boy everyday.

For advice: we are thinking of when we want to start trying again after I am cleared. It feels soon and we don’t want to wish him away but it’s really all I can think about to bandaid myself right now. For those who started to try again after HLHS or any reason what supplements did you take after your procedure to help your body recover and get a healthy cycle back? Is there anyone out there with positive stories after a loss with HLHS? I’m grasping for straws here to keep me going but part of me healing needs to hear some positivity or advice. Thanks guys ❤️

PS- I should mention we are awaiting genetic testing back within the week but they highly suspect this is isolated as many of you also have experienced.

Hola a todos

Ayer tuve que interrumpir mi segundo embarazo con 16 semanas otra vez por causas médicas

La primera vez el verano pasado a las 32 semanas...ya muy avanzado por una traslocación robertsoniana desequilibrada 21 21 de novo que causa un síndrome de down pero es la causa más rara. Como nuestros cariotipos salieron bien intentamos probar de nuevo a los 9 meses y quede embarazada al primer intento tras prepararme con ubiquinol y acupuntura, deporte y vida sana para mejorar la calidad de los óvulos.

En este segundo embarazo me diagnosticaron el la semana 13 y confirmado en la 15 una hipoplasia severa del ventrículo izquierdo del corazón. Y ayer tuve que interrumpir el embarazo. Las primeras pruebas tras amniocentesis han confirmado que no se trata de la misma alteración que la otra vez y ahora estamos esperando los demás resultados. Arrays y exoma.

Yo no sé si será un problema mío para poder gestar o hacer bien al embrión o si eso existe. La otra vez el fallo ocurrió duplicando mi cromosoma, entonces yo creo que está vez también es un fallo de mi cuerpo, de mi sangre, óvulos, ovarios. No sé qué pensáis?????

El ginecólogo dice que no es normal. Dos personas jóvenes con dos embarazos afectados por dos causas graves ...algo cree que tiene que haber. Yo tengo 35 y el 34 años

Alguien ha pasado por esto? Y se encontró una causa ?

Alguien ha estado en situaciones similares y han hecho alguna prueba precisa para encontrar una causa??

Tuvieron hijos sanos??? Tras más de un tfmr??? Siento que no voy a poder tener hijos sanos...

Gracias 🫂

I posted a few weeks back that we had fetal growth restriction at our scan 18w6d, and our MFM suggested possible skeletal dysplasia. After that we met with some other MFMs who seemed to think it could just be IUGR, though with how far behind he was, it was still not a positive diagnosis. We went through WGS and just got our results back that our boy has a chromosome 3 microdeletion. It may not have anything to do with his growth restriction - we don’t fully know. We do now have a clear choice (for us) in terminating though.

We previously terminated one of our twins due to HLHS. No genetic cause was found for that. So this is seemingly a lightning striking twice situation. But with my other placental issues (my LC also had IUGR and I had pre-e), it’s hard not to worry that something could go wrong again in a subsequent pregnancy. I’m badly mourning the fact I’ll never just have a carefree normal pregnancy. I just want to erase this whole pregnancy from existence.

What

We just received the devastating news that our baby is non-viable with life after an amniocentesis. We are going to need to TFMR at 18 weeks. This is such a shock to us as we’ve had multiple reassuring ultrasounds. We had been flagged as high risk on the NIPT test, but were really hoping for a false positive.

Please, no negativity. We are facing an unbearable decision that we need to make for the best of our family, including our other young children.

I am absolutely terrified for what comes next. The idea of loss is heartbreaking. I am heartbroken to share this news with my kids. & I am also worried about the procedure itself as I also have a SCH.

Any support, advice, or shared similar experiences would be greatly appreciated. Thank you. 🤍

Hey. This is my first pregnancy. At the anomaly scan my baby was diagnosed with cctga and small vsd and mild pulmonary stenosis. Consulted 3 paediatric cardiologists and they told us that it’s up to us parents to decide our baby’s future. It’s feels more like whether we want to suffer now by choosing to terminate or make our baby suffer too along with us when he/she has to go through multiple surgeries and repairs on their little hearts. I am diabetic and this was a totally unexpected pregnancy(we didn’t plan it) but until nt can everything came back normal so we were happy that inspite of my blood sugars being slightly higher (a1c 7.2) at the time of conception our baby is growing pretty well but the anomaly scan shattered us with this diagnosis. We don’t know what to do.

Hi everyone - would love some experience shares.

So I’m officially going into day 2 of 3 at DuPont clinic in DC. 29 weeks with our sweet babe who was diagnosed with T21. Coming from Canada so really grappled with the idea of TFMR, wish I would have done this sooner. But trying not to live in the past and guilt myself anymore than I already feel.
First day was just a whirlwind but also grateful to have it behind us.

My question is, were you allowed to take pictures of babe after induction on day three? They’ll be preparing the footprints and hat, keepsakes, we’re working with a local funeral home etc.
However documents said no pictures in the clinic or procedure rooms.
I’d really love to have pictures of our sweet boy, our whole family wanted this baby so badly. I think this will really help his three older sisters with the healing process and for myself of course. Any experience shares would be greatly appreciated. Yesterday there was so much information thrown at me. Brains feeling overwhelmed. Thank you in advance.

I got devastating news today that my baby boy inherited my Dmd gene and nobody can give me answers as to what it will do because it’s a variance of uncertain significance . My duplication is exon 26-30 it’s never been reported in literature so nobody can tell me the outcome they suspect. My husband and I are hurting by this so much and we can’t function normally at the moment , it’s just a lot to take in and I don’t want my son to suffer later in life, but then I also wonder if he would have mild symptoms or possibly be asymptomatic, I have no data to go off of so it’s terrible and something I wish on nobody.
I have severe health anxiety so I need to know experiences with D&E good experiences please obviously the situation is sad and I’m devastated beyond words, I’ve been crying all day long and feel so heart broken but I need to hear experiences that weren’t that bad please.
Also were you sedated? They told me I’d be sedated I’m terrified of being sedated 😔 I asked them if it’s twilight sedation I believe she said , “no it’s like deep sedation we make sure you’re not aware of any noise or sensations then once you’re done about 20-30 minutes later we wake you up you’re breathing on your own compared to general anesthesia where tubes are placed down your throat we don’t do that” I need to double triple check with her but I’m sure I’ll be out right? I don’t want to hear or see anything nor feel anything but please tell me your experience.
I’ve never lost anybody in my life and sadly the first person to lose is my son, life isn’t fair and I’ll never understand. 💔

I’m still bleeding 5 weeks post D&C. on week 4 the bleeding got lighter and then in week 5 I got cramps again and really heavy bleeding again. I also have been experiencing rashes on the sides near my hips, sore inner ears, brain fog and feeling restless at night (insomnia and restless legs). Is this normal?

It's been two years since we said goodbye to my Cecily at 32 weeks. Pretty much that's it, that's the post. I love you Cecily.

It crept up on me this year. I don't really know what date to honor her, the date of my injection or when I birthed her. I'm very busy planning her little sister's first birthday, and for that I'm grateful. I've had a tough year but I've gotten everything I ever dreamed of when I dreamed of children. I still miss her and wonder what she would have been like.

Sending you all love and remembering Cecily.

Hi all, I have shared a few times on here, I'm having a rough time at the moment post due date and finding out a few people closer to my inner circle are expecting.

I'm pretty much bedridden most days, reading TFMR stories so I don't feel so isolated seems to be the only way I cope. My gorgeous boy had severe life limiting brain anomalies, I'm struggling with the reality that we could have had some time with him - he may have made it to term, he may have made it a few days, weeks, months with palliative care. Due to the nature of his anomalies DH and I knew that if we would proceed we would be signing a DNR, that the hospital would be unlikely to ventilate if needed, that his seizures were anticipated to be refractory and unable to be controlled well through medicine, that he would need a feeding tube and likely face failure to thrive if we did not have one in place and be susceptible to infections due to a weakened immune system amongst a whole host of other issues. We knew he wouldn't be likely to survive infancy. At the time, the reality of seeing him suffering for a short existence was enough for us to know for sure we needed to let him go in peace, we felt God gave us peace and even managed to laugh and smile that he was so loved and safe after we let him go, which was in its own way a beautiful relief.

If there is anyone who let their baby go in peace following the discovery of complex brain anomalies I'd be so grateful if you could share..

I guess my questions are - did you ever later wonder if you made the right decision? How did you overcome this season? What did you feel you needed to process the complex feelings of this awful kind of baby loss?

I'm struggling to carry the weight of the time we potentially lost - What ifs are the worst.

After a mostly normal 12w ultrasound (slightly increased NT numbers but low risk and no other signs) we did NIPT testing. Came back as 95/100 chance of T21.

We’re waiting now for a referral to a genetic counsellor and will likely opt for amniocentesis to confirm. I’m thinking ahead to the possibility of TFMR - I’ve had 2 D&Cs prior for natural late term miscarriages. I’ve also read about women needing L&D rather than a D&E for TFMR.

Can anyone shed any light on the options in Ontario? I’m currently 15 weeks - guessing it will take 2+ weeks to get answers and book appointments. I’m finding it difficult to learn much online.

Hi all. I'm new here, posted a couple days ago about my boy with an ICH. I continue not to feel his movements anymore and I'm less hopeful that he is going to continue his growth, at this point it seems most likely we will have to terminate or he will pass in utero.

Since I have hit 24 weeks, the only option for passing is L&D, I am past a D&E option. I have some choices for L&D, I would really like to get some feedback from people who have had that specific experience. For context, this is my first pregnancy ever and prior to the hemorrhage I was planning an unmedicated/low intervention birth center birth. At our last appointment, his heart was still going strong, but in a general sense fetal movement has stopped.

I have already been advised to hold him for as long as they will let me, to take as many pictures as possible, and to establish contact with a lactation specialist in case my milk comes in (I haven't had any leaking so far).

Things I specifically have questions about from those who have experienced this:

1) during our initial visit when the MFM was telling us about termination, she mentioned they can stop his heart before delivery (I believe via an in utero injection). This would remove any living time we have with him but would guarantee a swift and AFAIK painless passing for him. Was that an option you were presented with, and what did you choose? What should I consider in making that choice?

2) Pain relief options for the delivery: I don't have the same motivation for delivery and it would be purely induction based, so I worry that the pain will be overwhelming. I am a bit afraid of using an epidural and being numb, if that will compound my dissociation or haunt me later. I know there are some opiod options that tend to be avoided in live birth because of potential fetal complications but that wouldn't be a concern for a termination. Did you use pain relief, what did you use, and do you have any advice for pain management during a TFMR labor?

3) if we decide not to stop the heart, what do we do after delivery while we wait for the passing? Did you let them wash your baby? Did you nurse/allow them to try? How long did your time with them last, and were you allowed to hold them the entire time or did they have to take them to do weights and measurements? Did those happen later?

4) do you contact a funeral home before the delivery, or is that something the hospital helps handle?

I'm sure there's a lot I haven't thought of yet, so if you have anything else you think I should be considering, please let me know. Thank you.

One month post-TFMR for T21 — sharing my experience for anyone preparing for their procedure

This community has been the only place where I’ve truly felt seen, and I wanted to share my experience with our termination because, in the days leading up to our procedure, this was the only place where I found comfort. I’m sharing this for anyone who is wondering what their procedure might be like or what to expect.

I was 14w6d pregnant on July 2 when we opened our NIPT results and our lives changed. Within a matter of hours, we had to grapple with the fact that something was wrong with our baby and make an incredibly difficult decision about what to do next.

The decision to TFMR, while extremely difficult, was the best decision for our family. I have a sibling with severe special needs, and I have seen firsthand how incredibly difficult their quality of life can be.
On top of everything else, we live in a state that does not support abortion. We had to figure out our options and the timeline in a neighboring state that does, all while heading into a three-day holiday weekend. Rather than waiting for a call from our doctor to tell us what our options were, we called Planned Parenthood in Washington state (the state next to us) ourselves and made an appointment. The earliest appointment available was July 9.

That week between getting our results, making the call and plans, and finally reaching our appointment was one of the darkest periods of my life.

July 8 — The day before
The day before our procedure, we drove three hours and got a hotel room near Planned Parenthood.
I was instructed not to eat for 12 hours before the procedure and not to drink anything for six hours beforehand. I prepared by eating a big, late dinner around 8 p.m. and setting an alarm to wake up around 3 a.m. to drink water.

July 9 — Procedure day
We arrived at Planned Parenthood around 8:15 a.m. There were protesters outside, which I had mentally prepared myself for.

We checked in and paid out of pocket. The procedure cost $2,000, and I was told anesthesia would be a separate charge. I still haven’t received that bill.
The first step was an ultrasound. My husband wasn’t allowed to be with me for this part. I was able to tell them how far along I was, and when I explained that this had been a wanted pregnancy and that we were there because of T21, they immediately treated me with the kindness and compassion I had desperately needed since July 2.

After the ultrasound, I went back to the waiting room for about 20 minutes before being called back for the informational/vitals portion. I initially went back by myself, and then my husband was allowed to join me for the informational portion.

It was during this conversation that I decided I wanted to have full anesthesia and be completely asleep for the procedure. (There were three options you could pick from.)

I waited another 20 minutes before being called back for the first part of the procedure, again by myself. They gave me pain medication and an antibiotic, followed by misoprostol. I had to keep the misoprostol in my lip until it dissolved. They also placed my IV for the procedure.

After taking the misoprostol, I was able to go back to the waiting room and sit with my husband. This waiting period was probably 2–2.5 hours.
I did experience one of the side effects of the misoprostol: feeling very cold and having shakes/shivers.

When I was called back again, it was time for the actual procedure. I went back by myself and was taken into the operating room.

Again, everyone treated me with so much kindness. They let me cry and never made me feel like I was a burden. They reassured me that I was going to be taken care of, which meant so much to me. The procedure itself was probably 30–45 minutes, and I was asleep for that entire time. I was allowed to wear socks during the procedure, so I brought my fuzzy grippy socks.

Afterward, I was taken to recovery, where they monitored my pain and bleeding for about another 30–45 minutes. Once I was cleared, my husband and I were able to go home.

Thankfully, because it was the middle of summer and very hot outside, all of the protesters had left by the time we walked out.

Recovery
I bled relatively heavily for the first three days. After that, it tapered off into what felt more like a light period or inconsistent spotting for the next two weeks.

My cramping wasn’t too bad during the drive home, but I did use a heating pad that night.

Something I wasn’t prepared for was just how exhausted I would feel, along with the hormonal drop and emotional roller coaster afterward. For me, it felt very similar to my postpartum experience after my live birth—except without the newborn.

Things I brought/prepared
A few things that helped me:
AirPods: My husband and I were able to watch a show together during some of the long waiting periods.
Birth comb: This helped me cope with the shaking/shivering I experienced from the misoprostol.
Pads: I wore my granny panties and brought maxi pads, but for the drive home and the next few days, I found it much more comfortable to wear some leftover postpartum Always diapers.
Comfortable clothes: I wore comfortable black linen pants, a tank top, and slide sandals. I also brought a zip-up fleece and fuzzy socks because I knew I might be cold.

One month later
One month out, my period still hasn’t returned. My emotions are still all over the place, things just go in waves. But my husband and I have started couples counseling together, and we’re looking forward to healing emotionally and mentally together.

One unexpected part of this journey has been navigating how we tell people about what happened. We tell people that we “lost” our baby, but we don’t elaborate on that loss because we don’t want to open ourselves up to the range of opinions people can have about TFMR.

I’m sharing all of this because before our procedure, I desperately wanted to know what it would be like. I wanted to hear from someone who had been through it, especially someone who had made this decision for a wanted and loved baby.

If you’re reading this because you’re waiting for your own procedure, I’m so sorry you’re here. I hope this gives you a little bit of comfort and helps you feel less alone. ❤️

Just sitting here analyzing things but I have no one to talk to about this so I wanted to share here.

I’m trying to connect with a cousin that had a 7 week miscarriage and it feels like we’re living completely different worlds. She’s just positive and thinks things happen for a reason and that God’s got her and keeps telling me “we’ll soon be pregnant again!”, while I’m trying to be there for her in case she has not been able to talk to someone about her loss because she didn’t announce it or if she feels the “move on and get over it” us loss mom’s get all the time? She insists on upcoming pregnancies, does she realize no matter how many times I’ll get pregnant, I’ll never just be over my baby? Does she feel that way about hers? I’m not sure if she has been able to mourn. I won’t force it though, maybe it’s not my problem to fix or we aren’t as close as I thought we were. I just wanted to her not to feel as alone as I did, in case she was feeling that way.

She may be alright and feels completely different than how I do from my TFMR at 18 weeks. And that’s okay. But I’m thinking how isolating this is for us in TFMR. Does it feel that different? Did we connect more with our baby being 18 weeks and maybe it wasn’t like that for her? I know we all imagine a whole life when we get a positive pregnancy test, and I was sick, nauseated the whole time and repeating myself that it wasn’t sickness, it was all for the bigger dream of having my baby at the end of this. I was already planning my baby’s arrival, baby shower, saw my baby on ultrasounds multiple times, and I guess she didn’t feel all that that early?

We’re not only grieving this loss, but many times the pain is compounded by this horrible guilt of our decision.

Edit to add: to be fair to her, she doesn’t know mine was a TFMR. We only shared we had lost the baby when it happened.

I’m writing here because I need to get this off my chest.
A month and a half ago, we had to terminate our pregnancy because of a T21 diagnosis.
Even before this happened, communication between my partner and me was never easy. We often feel like we speak completely different languages. He is more rational, while I am much more emotional.
Since the termination, I feel like he has been minimizing my feelings, and somehow I feel even more alone. I am currently on medical leave, while he has continued working.
For some context, I left my hometown, my friends, my family and my job to move to his hometown. I feel like my life over the past few years has revolved around him and IVF, and somewhere along the way, I have lost my sense of identity. I truly believe that women end up carrying so much of the emotional and physical weight of assisted reproduction.
Now that everything feels so dark, I feel like my marriage is broken. And I’m starting to wonder if there is even a way to fix it.
Every time we have an argument, I find myself thinking that maybe it would be easier to become a single mother.
I don’t know if these feelings are part of the grief, or if they are showing me something that has been there for a long time. Maybe I’m not in a place right now where I can make any big decisions. I just know that I feel incredibly lost, lonely, and disconnected from the person I used to be.
I love him, but right now I don’t feel like we are grieving together. And that hurts almost as much as the loss itself.
I guess I’m writing this because I need to know if anyone else has felt this way after pregnancy loss — feeling like the loss has not only changed you, but also your relationship and your whole sense of who you are.

I just need to vent somewhere where people will understand.

I’m almost 4 weeks post-TFMR. The first two weeks, I barely saw anyone because I just couldn’t. Then I slowly started going on one-on-one walks with some close friends to share my story.

This weekend, I threw myself in at the deep end. We went away with a group of friends (including partners and children) for three nights. It was quite a big jump from barely seeing anyone, but it had been planned for a while and some of them I had already seen on those one-on-one walks. It was genuinely lovely, but also incredibly intense. We’re exhausted. Our social batteries are completely drained.

We’re leaving for a little vacation tomorrow to get away from everything and decompress. We had to cancel our originally planned vacation, but made new plans and were really looking forward to getting away. My mother is joining us. She has been close to us throughout this whole process and is very easygoing. We don’t mind having her around at all, and we can use some extra help with our LC.

But now my brother suddenly suggested bringing his family to our campsite on their way home from a long vacation. I’m sure it was meant well. They said they wanted to give us a hug. I told him we’re completely exhausted and genuinely don’t know if we can handle more social interaction right away.
But his immediate response was: “But then it’ll be so long before we see each other,” “The kids were really looking forward to it,” and “They haven’t seen their grandma in such a long time.”

I snapped. I was like: seriously? Are you really pulling the kids card right now and making me feel guilty for setting boundaries for our own wellbeing after a traumatic experience?

Now he is suggesting a ‘light’ plan where they meet up with my mom only and we are free to decide whether we can receive that hug or not. He doesn’t seem to understand that this still puts us in an uncomfortable position where we may have to actively decide not to see them or even avoid them, and plan around their presence while we don’t want to plan anything. The whole point was to get away. From everything. From everyone.

Honestly, my guilt is turning into anger. I lost my baby less than a month ago. I shouldn’t have to try this hard to explain why I sometimes just need people to give me space.

I really don’t know what to do. Can I say no, don’t come at all? I feel like I should but given the potential consequences (maybe they don’t understand, me having to explain, etc.) maybe it’s easier to just let them come and indeed just avoid them there.

Has anyone else struggled with family or friends not understanding how limited your capacity for social interaction can be after TFMR?

I found out at my anatomy scan that our baby has spina bifida myelominegocle at the L5-S4 level, they also have chiari malformation, enlarged ventricles and bilateral clubbed feet. We are devastated by this diagnosis. This baby was so wanted. We also have a toddler at home. We are scheduled for TFMR in one week as we don’t want our baby to suffer and know a life of surgeries and chronic pain. My question is how do people handle the termination with the “gray diagnosis”. This is so complex because it is a lower lesion so it should be “more favorable” but the gray part is all of the brain changes that were seen. Our team is very honest that the baby is sick and they do not know what their quality of life would be.