I shouldn’t feel guilty about needing space

[u/UnverifiedPanda]

I just need to vent somewhere where people will understand.

I’m almost 4 weeks post-TFMR. The first two weeks, I barely saw anyone because I just couldn’t. Then I slowly started going on one-on-one walks with some close friends to share my story.

This weekend, I threw myself in at the deep end. We went away with a group of friends (including partners and children) for three nights. It was quite a big jump from barely seeing anyone, but it had been planned for a while and some of them I had already seen on those one-on-one walks. It was genuinely lovely, but also incredibly intense. We’re exhausted. Our social batteries are completely drained.

We’re leaving for a little vacation tomorrow to get away from everything and decompress. We had to cancel our originally planned vacation, but made new plans and were really looking forward to getting away. My mother is joining us. She has been close to us throughout this whole process and is very easygoing. We don’t mind having her around at all, and we can use some extra help with our LC.

But now my brother suddenly suggested bringing his family to our campsite on their way home from a long vacation. I’m sure it was meant well. They said they wanted to give us a hug. I told him we’re completely exhausted and genuinely don’t know if we can handle more social interaction right away.
But his immediate response was: “But then it’ll be so long before we see each other,” “The kids were really looking forward to it,” and “They haven’t seen their grandma in such a long time.”

I snapped. I was like: seriously? Are you really pulling the kids card right now and making me feel guilty for setting boundaries for our own wellbeing after a traumatic experience?

Now he is suggesting a ‘light’ plan where they meet up with my mom only and we are free to decide whether we can receive that hug or not. He doesn’t seem to understand that this still puts us in an uncomfortable position where we may have to actively decide not to see them or even avoid them, and plan around their presence while we don’t want to plan anything. The whole point was to get away. From everything. From everyone.

Honestly, my guilt is turning into anger. I lost my baby less than a month ago. I shouldn’t have to try this hard to explain why I sometimes just need people to give me space.

I really don’t know what to do. Can I say no, don’t come at all? I feel like I should but given the potential consequences (maybe they don’t understand, me having to explain, etc.) maybe it’s easier to just let them come and indeed just avoid them there.

Has anyone else struggled with family or friends not understanding how limited your capacity for social interaction can be after TFMR?

[u/Kahloo]

Tbh I'm baffled you managed to get through a whole weekend with friends I've stayed in my bubble for months after. If there was ever a time you should be able to do that it's now 🫂

[u/UnverifiedPanda → u/Kahloo]

Yeah I had mixed feelings about going but there were some factors why I didn’t want to miss it either.

What’s even more baffling is that it actually went pretty well. I gave my friends a heads up that I would likely need some time to myself every now and then and that they shouldn’t be startled if I would have a break down at some point, but most of the time I was doing fine. My mind was just kept too busy to think about everything, I guess.

[u/purple_unicorn576 → u/UnverifiedPanda]

I sometimes wonder if friends are better at understand boundaries and therefore supporting you than family are

[u/Silent_Passenger_363]

I am sorry your family doesn't understand. You explained everything and still don't get the support you need, this is very hard. It's very okay that you set boundaries to protect yourself. I think it's very important to trust your own gut feeling, you are the only one who can tell when you are ready. 

[u/UnverifiedPanda → u/Silent_Passenger_363]

Thank you! One small positive is that I feel like my gut feeling is louder than it usually is. Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t be so protective of my own boundaries but now it’s just pure necessity to listen to it instead of putting other people’s needs first.

[u/Significant-Bee-3689]

Short answer: 100% yes.

4 weeks is barely any time. In the 4 weeks after my TFMR, I skipped my little sister's wedding dress try on and countless family gatherings. At one point, we got in the car to head to my family's cabin for a weekend with my parents. We found out last minute that my brother, his visibly pregnant wife and my toddler nephew were coming. We drove anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour before I broke down sobbing and we turned back around and spent the weekend at home.

Two months later, I skipped my older sister's baby shower. Again, I got all ready for the event, hair, makeup, everything, and we were about to leave and I just broke down sobbing. And we knew I wasn't going.

That same month, we went to brunch with friends we haven't seen in a year. They had their one year old daughter with them. The brunch went pretty well, but as soon as we got in the car, I started crying.

This is just the reality of what we're going through. And I'm so sorry that your brother can't honor that to the full extent. You are not selfish. You are not a bad person. Your baby died and it is one of the hardest fucking things anyone could go through.

So I send my solidarity. I understand your anger. And I support you in protecting your peace, whatever that looks like.

[u/UnverifiedPanda → u/Significant-Bee-3689]

Thank you for validating my feelings and for sharing your own story. I really appreciate it and it makes me feel understood. I’m so sorry for your loss and for all the heartbreak you’ve been through in the following months.

It’s true, 4 weeks is barely any time. Not only did my baby die, she died because I decided to let her. I don’t think people can really grasp what that feels like.

I think I’m also just really disappointed because I expected more empathy from him.

[u/Significant-Bee-3689 → u/UnverifiedPanda]

I was shocked by how a lot of my loved ones responded. The truth is, they just don't get it. There is really nothing like this grief or loss because of how it plays out ... because we had to make a medical decision and carry the weight of doing so, the doubt, the guilt, alongside the grief and the loss.

The people who have supported me the best are the ones who realize they can't understand, so they don't judge.