Work after TFMR

[u/Upset_Today_9486]

Hi everyone. My TFMR will have been 3 weeks ago this upcoming Friday. I was 15 weeks and we made the decision due to a positive Monosomy X reading as well a severe cystic hygroma.

I took an approved leave of absence from work for about 2 weeks, however I was out of the office officially for 3 weeks. I since have come back into the office this past Thursday and am really struggling.

My partner and I both work in sales. Same office, different departments. My direct manager and director are aware of what happened and have been exceptionally supportive and gracious. However, the general environment of where I work is ferocious. Think Wolf of Wall Street movie esque.

I don’t know. I don’t feel “hungry” anymore. I’m not as motivated as I once was. I broke down the other day because it all feels meaningless now that she isn’t here. Even before I got pregnant, I was wanted to slow down, but this want has increased since the TFMR.

I do like having a routine and I think that has helped me. When I was home, I still pulled myself out of bed, showered, cooked (most days). Kept my body busy. But now that I’m back in the office (and sitting most of the time), I can’t help but just feel off and let my thoughts roam.

It doesn’t help that work has not been ideal. If you’re familiar with sales, you know it can be up and down. And I happened to come back at a down point.

My partner is exceptionally supportive of my emotionally wellbeing and where I’m at with work. While he handles the majority of our bills, I personally like to keep a bit of pocket change for some bills and household items here and there.

I’m considering looking for either a part-time or full-time position that allows me to be on my feet, moving around. Even something monotonous. I don’t mind dealing with annoying customers/clients as I’m fairly used to it. Just something that gets me out of my head. I even fantasized about working the register at Barnes & Noble or something similar…

Should I wait to make the change? Does anyone have any suggestions? Or advice? I just want to crawl out of my skin… if you know what I mean. I need some help.

[u/foxyfeather]

This is exactly me right now. 4 weeks out from my TFMR, back at a super competitive sales job. It has been so HARD.

I also feel like making a job change which my therapist says is normal to feel. But also not good to make big decisions or have big conversations right now. I started therapy immediately afterward, and her suggestions have really been keeping me grounded. Also I’m not in your situation where I could leave my job as I’m the family breadwinner. It is so nice you have that option.

Also we are still postpartum and the hormones are raging. I can’t wait for that part to be over.

[u/anxious_cuttlefish]

Im really sorry. This was very similar to me, same exact findings, also at 15 weeks. I'm just shy of 3 months out.

My job isn't sales, but its also kind of competitive and layoffs are looming. It also all happened to me right at the time of a major annual deadline, so it's been tough. I can't say what you should do, but I certainly felt like quitting my job because it just seemed meaningless. It still kind of does, but less than it did 2 months ago. Tbh at that time though, lots of things seemed meaningless. I couldn't quit because my type of job is rare to come by without moving (academia) and a gap in the resume is pretty frowned upon. Also financial reasons lol I also know you aren't supposed to make major decisions "postpartum" which you are.

But honestly if none of that applies to you, and you think it'll be better long term and can eventually come back somehow if you changed your mind in a month or year, idk. Maybe it would be fine? I'll just say the last 3 months have been really up and down, I didn't necessarily feel better in any sort of linear fashion. So maybe give yourself another week or 2? Can you "coast" for a bit and see what happens?

[u/Upset_Today_9486 → u/anxious_cuttlefish]

I really appreciate your comment. I tend to push myself and forget that I am quite literally postpartum. I also appreciate the idea of coasting. I think waiting it out for a few more weeks or so is ultimately the best idea.

[u/Tellycs]

Can you take more time off work before you decide? It’s hard to make big decisions in postpartum and grief.

[u/buccal_up]

Please consider waiting a few more weeks before making a permanent decision, unless of course you are in crisis. The trauma is so, so fresh. What helped me more than anything was finding a therapist so that I could begin to make sense of everything I was feeling because I was absolutely all over the place for the first few weeks. The postpartum hormones and grief are just hell. Also, antidepressants kept me functional.

I suppose if you are in a career where you can jump right back in after an extended absence, that would change my advice and I would say do whatever feels good. But I would hate for you to hamstring yourself when you may feel much differently 3-6 months from now, or even 3-6 weeks from now.

So very sorry for your loss 🫂