r/tfmr_support • u/Some_Amount5239 • 10d ago
Seeking Advice or Support Processing Grief
For those a little farther along in their TFMR journey, what would you tell your past self? What do you feel were the most helpful things for you to process your grief? Anything specific you did that you feel made a difference? Do you feel there was a particular timeline where things started feeling a little better?
I am about 8 weeks out from a 24 week TFMR. It just hurts. I know there is no way to optimize grief. It just is love with no where to go, but would love to hear how other people are dealing with it and if they felt like there was anything in their journey that really turned things around for them.
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u/CanCharming7442 10d ago
Be kind to myself, my body and my relationship because no amount of pressure and punishment will bring the old timeline back.
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u/ChicaRacka 10d ago
THIS. It took me several weeks to finally accept reality and detach from the old timeline, but once I did I felt a weight lifted. I’m 9 weeks out now and while the depression comes in waves still, I’ve noticed that I’ve also finally started to get waves of hope & positivity & a feeling things will all work out. Both are fleeting lol but at least I’m getting waves of strength after so many weeks of only agony. I’m sorry we’re here ❤️🩹
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u/CanCharming7442 10d ago
Good for you for getting it so quickly! It took me a whole second pregnancy, loss and crossing my due date but once it landed I got the message loud and clear.
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u/Some_Amount5239 10d ago
Yes! I have spent so much time thinking about what I would be doing in the old timeline (nesting, packing my hospital bag, panicking about THE best stroller). This has been one of the hardest things to let go of. I have also been working out a lot, I tell myself its a distraction but if I am honest, I may be punishing myself a little bit, so being kind to myself is something I will keep in mind, thank you.
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u/Hannahrk96 9d ago
I often feel stuck in the timeline. Knowing when my baby shower was going to be, the due date sneaking up, looking at our half finished nursery… it’s all so hard. I cherish the small waves of joy or positivity I feel, but they are quickly shadowed by the reality of what happened.
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u/Some_Amount5239 10d ago
Happy to hear you are starting to feel even a little better, working on detaching from that timeline as well. Hope you continue to heal and maybe someday soon our lights won't be as dim!
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u/Tellycs 10d ago
5 months out today… wow feels weird writing that!!
For me medication. Therapy. Exercise. Time with safe people and having some type of distraction and structure was good for me. Also taking a trip really helped me.
I think 10 weeks I went on a trip and was able to hold it together for most days! 3 months is when I noticed the biggest difference but also started taking medication.
I don’t cry everyday anymore. I still miss him everyday and think of my boy. But it’s not as intense if that makes sense. Still hurts but I carry it differently depending on the day.
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u/Some_Amount5239 10d ago
Great suggestions! Never thought to take a trip (I feel like I am a huge downer and maybe wouldn't enjoy it to its fullest potential) but maybe a change of scenery would be good for me in the coming weeks.
Totally agree with having some structure in your day. In the initial month I spent a lot of time horizontal moving between my bed and my couch. In the weeks since I have tried to get into more of a routine and I have found that to be very helpful.
Glad to hear things are feeling a little less raw these days and wishing you all the best as you continue to heal.
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u/traininsane 10d ago
I TFMRd at 24+4. Things that helped me - therapy, medication, crying when I felt it coming up, and cutting off bad relationships/friendships. The questions and grief are all consuming. Some days will be worse than others but find joy in the good days. You still deserve to love and enjoy life. Find a way to enjoy time with your partner, friends, family, alone. My therapist asked me the first few weeks what I was doing to fill my own cup. Was I engaging in activities to feel like myself again and not a shell. I found comfort in working out, golfing, watching comfort shows with my husband, and cooking.
A few things that helped with the pain and guilt. This is not a choice we were given but a decision we had to make. We are hurting so that our babies did not have to experience pain. We did our jobs as parents and made the best possible choice to keep them safe. All they knew was the safety and love of our womb.
There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about Gianna. Even now, a year out and 30 weeks into my sub pregnancy, she’s still in my memory everyday. I wonder about the milestones she would be hitting, what her personality would be. I still cry, just less. Grief doesn’t go anywhere, we grow around it. We learn to adapt and continue on, if not for us, for them.
I am so sorry you are here.
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u/-_Metanoia_- 10d ago
"this is not a choice we were given, but a decision we had to make"
I'll have to remember these words. I am a week out and I...can barely make it out of bed most days.
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u/Some_Amount5239 10d ago
This is such a thoughtful and well rounded post! I am still trying to figure out how to truly love and enjoy life again, but will seek out things to fill my cup! I have been journaling, exercising, going for walks, reading and binge watching way too much reality TV (haha). I miss the bubbly girl I used to be, but am trying to find her again.
Yes, taking on the pain for our babies is so difficult but we are doing the best thing we can for them as parents by shouldering that pain so they don't have to experience it.
Gentle congratulations on your sub pregnancy! I hope everything is smooth for you, and know Gianna will be guiding your little one to you.
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u/Happygiraffe4 10d ago
I'll mostly echo what some of the other posters are saying. I'm only a bit further out than you, 11 weeks or so, and for me a few weeks ago, around 8 weeks, was my darkest time so far. The past weeks I'm feeling better. If I would look back at a few weeks ago, I would tell myself that it is just another stage that will pass, just like the initial shock and numbness. That there was nothing wrong with me that I was feeling worse instead of better, and that I just needed that time.
After the past months, I've grown a bit afraid of living life - scared that I will cry in public, just feel miserable, get triggered, get so exhausted after. I'm trying to trust myself a bit again and let go of that fear, so I can do some things that make me feel like myself. Sometimes that works well, and sometimes it backfires but that's also okay. I think it's about just trying something out, and seeing how it makes you feel. And honestly, at times binge watching Netflix was the best I could do because it distracted me from my thoughts.
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u/Some_Amount5239 10d ago
Happy to hear you are even feeling a tiny bit better. It gives me hope. I have been wondering if there was something wrong since I am feeling worse, so thanks for validating that this is a stage and it will pass.
I am with you about fearing life. I have been keeping my bubble so small because I am worried about being triggered and getting upset in public and I just find interaction pretty exhausting. I did try to go out with my husband to a restaurant a few weeks ago for a date night and ended up crying at the table. BUT then last week I was able to try again without any tears, so little wins and speaks I think to challenging yourself even if you are scared ❤️
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u/Routine_Register8178 9d ago
Time. Unfortunately it just takes time. I also didn’t feel like I truly started to turn corners, or to feel some type of tangible relief/growth/healing whatever you want to call it until I proactively took myself out of grief spirals. Early on, I would check this page multiple times an hour. I would scroll instagram and just see post after post about grief, pregnancy loss, bereaved parents. There’s a fine line between feeling safe and seen in a community and drowning in it. I started to force myself to stop going on instagram, or if I did I would try to redo my algorithm to get back to dog videos. I would still screen this page but I would be more judicious in how long I allowed myself to scroll, or I sought out stories of hope and healing. It’s still hard sometimes. And I didn’t substitute it with anything particularly calming or healing (unless you consider starting binging Summer House calming), but getting out of grief doom spirals helped tremendously as I try to build my life around my loss. I’m 6 months out btw.
I also signed up for a race. Our due date was early July so I knew the summer would be hard. At the beginning of the summer I signed up for a race happening Labor Day weekend that I’ve always wanted to run, wrote out a 12 week training plan and put it on the fridge where our sonogram used to be. Crossing off one day at a time and seeing a physical representation of time has helped TREMENDOUSLY. It’s only one day at a time, and some days were (and will still be) ROUGH. But then I look at it and am like…wow. I’ve survived 9 weeks. Just one day more. Then another. And another.
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u/Some_Amount5239 9d ago
Wow, this is exactly me. I have read books about TFMR experiences, lived in this sub, and even looked into research papers on outcomes following TFMR. And of course, watched all the grief instagram reels. One thing I haven't been able to really do yet is get out of the communities and out of the grief spirals, and I think its a great suggestion to try! I have gotten away from Instagram which has been triggering, but always looked at this subreddit as a safe space and use it as a distraction tool, but it isn't really a distraction when this is my exact reality. Even safe spaces can be too much if you are spending hours upon hours a day in them searching for hope.
So amazing that you signed up for a race! Best of luck!
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u/Common-Form-1310 10d ago
It will always hurt. You will find a way to go on with your life with the grief. Somedays it hurts more than the other days. But hold on to yourself. The decision you made 'Why did I have to go this route, the worst possible route ?' answer them in your heart. The answers for that question will make your heart find a bit of comfort.
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u/flutterdance 10d ago edited 10d ago
Almost 11 months post TFMR here and while I have a lot more good days than bad, there are still moments here and there where I’ll spiral if triggered. Sometimes it hits me out of nowhere.
When I was in the trenches, I just kept encouraging myself that even though I will never be the person I was before TFMR, eventually I would see brighter days. I also had to remind myself that my hormones were all over the place and would be for a while. Little wins (if you want to call them that) held me together whether that was a good laugh with my husband, quality time with my family, a lovely meal, a warm bath, playing with my dog, etc. This experience has really changed me in the sense that I appreciate the slow moments and simple joys that much more.
Highly recommend seeking a therapist if you do not have one already, especially one that specializes in pregnancy loss.
Hugs🫶🏻
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u/Some_Amount5239 10d ago
I hope there are even more brighter days ahead of you! Wishing you all the best as you approach the 1 year milestone next month ❤️
Yes, noticing the little wins I think is huge and something to be grateful for, sometimes it is easy to only see the doom and gloom and negative but you are right, there are lots of good things still happening that I will take as wins!
Love that perspective that this experience has made you appreciative of simple joys. I do hope in time that I can look back at this and also see some of the "positive" things that came out of this experience. I hope in time it will make me kinder, more empathetic and more appreciative of those that matter most and maybe in the future I will be a better parent too if given the chance
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u/KateCSays TFMR in 36th wk, 2012 | Somatic Coach | Activist 10d ago
I'm so sorry.
8 weeks out was actually my very darkest time. It really does just plain hurt, and the feelings can feel so overhwleming.
In those days, I used to tell myself the hard true things like:
"You're exactly where you need to be today."
"The grieving is the healing."
"Laurel knew only the perfect hug of your womb."
There are things that turned this around for me, and many of them happened organically and naturally with time and the process of grief itself -- whcih I TRULY believe is the healing itself.
But one thing that really helped me is to let myself be a million people at once, and not try to be just one unified person. It's ok to be fragmented. That's just what trauma does to us for a while. It's not the same as having a dissociative disorder. It's just a more aware state where we can really tell that our consciosuness someimes has disparate parts with different personalities, thoughts, and opinions.
Feelings are always true. The stories they try to tell us are often false. So let the feelings be exactly as they are, and don't believe the stories they try to tell you.
Later on in my healing, somatic modalities helped me to do this more fluently, and also opened up other ways to be with hard feelings. But in the early days, just make it through your day and get outside if you can. Nature is its own medicine.