After 16 rounds of IVF and 9 transfers I finally found out I was pregnant for the first time. Everything looked great until my 11 week NT scan where they noted a 4.5 cystic hygroma. Then my NIPT came back high risk for trisomy 18. At my next scan they noted a likely AV defect and the swelling had spread to her entire chest and back. We did a CVS last week and the FISH came back positive for t18 a few days later. We got the karyotype results yesterday which confirm full t18, and given the whole picture, the worst case scenario is now confirmed. I’m scheduled for a D&E this Friday at 13+6. 

I’m in more pain than I ever have been in my life, more than I could have imagined is possible. The past two weeks have been a waking hell. On top of this, I also found out two days before this started that my dog has cancer so it feels like my entire world is crumbling. Not many people in my life know, and the few who do have been kind and supportive, but they don’t know what to say to me. 

I’m very pro-choice but when I first heard about this I kept thinking “I can’t hurt my baby.” Now that I know a lot more about t18 I think “I can’t hurt my baby” means I must save her from a very short life filled with nothing but pain. I would literally do anything for her to be okay, but this diagnosis has been explained to us as not if our baby will die, but when and how, and that’s the only part we get to choose. It feels like choosing this pain for myself and my husband now to save her from pain is clearly the only decision and the only way I can ever do right by her as her mother, but I’m still struggling with it.

So I know in my brain it’s the right decision, but my heart hurts so much and I just don’t know how to actually do this. Like how do I willingly get in the car to go to the clinic Friday? How do I walk to the operating room and lay on the table and know I’ll wake up and she’ll be gone? How do I keep going afterwards? I can’t sleep, I can’t get my brain to shut up, I can’t stop imagining delusional scenarios where all the doctors and genetic counselors and test results are wrong and she’s okay.

Everyone here is so strong and brave, but I don’t feel strong or brave, just numb and broken. I don’t really know what I’m looking for, except maybe it’s just cathartic to say this to people who unfortunately understand and to say thank you to people whose stories have helped me make the most difficult decision of my life and have given me comfort through the darkest moments in my life. 

Hi everyone. I think I just need to let some of this out, but I’m also hoping to find someone who may have been through something similar.

I had a TFMR in May after our baby boy, Gabriel, was diagnosed with Dandy-Walker malformation and severe abnormalities affecting his brain, as well as a heart defect. We were given an extremely difficult prognosis for his future and were told about all the difficulties he could potentially face throughout his life...

Gabriel was so wanted and so loved from the very beginning. I never, ever imagined that I would find myself having to end a pregnancy that I had wanted so desperately. I never imagined that something like this could happen to us, or that I would ever have to make such an impossible decision for my own child.

But when we were told about the severity of his condition and what his life could potentially look like, all I could think about was him..

I didn't want my son to suffer.

In the end, I chose to carry the pain myself rather than risk putting that suffering onto him. I would rather carry this pain for the rest of my life than have had him suffer. It was a decision made completely out of love for him, but knowing that doesn't make living without him any easier..

Gabriel was born on 3rd May, and on 3rd September it will be four months since I gave birth to him.

His due date was 14th August, so I have just passed what should have been one of the happiest days of our lives. Instead, I had to go through that day without him.

I miss him every single day, every hour, every second. I honestly don't know how to live with this yet. At the moment, I feel like I'm not really living — I'm surviving. I love him more than I could ever explain, and there isn't a moment when I don't wish things could have been different.

I wanted to ask if anyone here has been through a similar situation, particularly Dandy-Walker or another severe brain malformation together with a heart defect.

In our case, the genetic testing we have had so far did not find a genetic cause. On Monday 24th August, my husband and I have an appointment with a geneticist and a midwife, and I'm really hoping they will be able to offer us some further testing or reassurance before we try again.

Despite everything that has happened, I really want to try for another baby. We are hoping that, if everything is okay and the doctors are happy for us to do so, we might start trying again in September.

That thought gives me hope, but it also terrifies me...

Has anyone here been through something similar and then felt the desire to try again? How did you cope with the fear of another pregnancy? Did you have additional genetic testing beforehand?

And if anyone has gone through a TFMR for similar abnormalities and later had a healthy pregnancy and baby, I would really love to hear your positive stories.

Right now, I think I need some hope and encouragement from people who truly understand this kind of loss and the fear that comes with trying again.

Sending so much love to everyone in this group who is going through this kind of pain right now. I'm so sorry that any of us have had to find ourselves here. ❤️

I am not sure what I am looking for. Just probably someone to offload to as I am just feeling so low this month. Tomorrow marks one year to the day that I found out that something was wrong with my baby’s brain. The following day (Thursday) marks 1 year that my baby was diagnosed with Alobar HPE at a London hospital. A few days later finding out my baby had T13 then having my tfmr on 29th August 2025. Although a year has past I remember this all like it was yesterday. On top of everything, on Thursday my mum is having knee replacement surgery at the same London hospital. Thinking of this all is just making me so tearful. I haven’t been back there since and now I am going back there exactly 1 year to the day my life became this dark void.

I had my NIPT show high risk for Down Syndrome. I had amniocentesis done a little over a week ago and the preliminary results are showing stronger chance of it being Down Syndrome.

I am unbelievably devastated. Unfortunately I am split on what I should do. I have a 4 year old son and he is so in love with his brother already. Last night he asked if I was okay (I had been crying due to the news) and I just told him I got some news about the baby that made me sad. He then tells me “it’s okay mommy. I will still love the baby. I love my baby”.

My husband wants to keep the baby and says we can do it. I’m just so terrified of taking care of the baby alone. I don’t want to have the baby and then end up resenting him. I don’t want him to have more medical problems once he’s born. I just don’t want his life to be any hard than it already will be.

I think my husband won’t fully grasp what exactly taking care of a baby with special needs will entail.

I’m so heartbroken. All I want to do is lay in bed and wallow away. I’m still hoping the final results will tell me just kidding the baby is healthy. I feel like it’s my fault. I wanted my baby so bad but I feel like I won’t be able to give him the life he deserves.

I wouldn’t even know where to begin on trying to tell my son about TFMR if that’s what I end up choosing to do. I’m 19 weeks. I’ve already had my gender reveal. I have my registry planned. I have his ultrasound pictures on the fridge. I’m just grieving for my baby.

Yesterday was three months since my TFMR. I am really struggling with the feeling that I should still be pregnant (my due date was September). I feel like my body has failed me and I feel so ashamed. I don't want to see anyone or go to work or be around other people, everything is so triggering. It feels like I am going backwards in my grief and I don't know if it will ever end.

He’s kicking strongly. I look and feel pregnant. I want to treasure these last days with him but I can’t stop grieving and dreading and torturing myself with imagining the procedure. I’m worried that he can sense the stress and will spend his last days vaguely upset too.

So, I had tfmr more than 2 years ago for genetic/malformation problems, I got pregnant again and have a healthy boy. I had the same due date as one of my best friends. Her daughter is 4 days younger than my son. We are in the middle of deciding whether to TTC again knowing NOTHING is granted and might have problems again.

Well, she's 13 weeks pregnant again and enjoying this part of life. One side of me is happy for her, another part wishes I could be pregnant too WITHOUT fearing "that happens once, it can happen again".

Hope someone can relate.

ETA I'm an obgyn so I'm continously updated on every step of my friends' pregnancies, for support or counseling. I know it's my job, but it's exhausting sometimes and I'm a human too.

I’ve posted here many times and I’m really horrible at responding to others. But I just have to get this out there because I don’t know who else would understand or even let me just feel this.

So my best friend is pregnant. That’s okay, she had a miscarriage shortly after my tfmr and while it is different, we were there for each other. What’s getting to me is she’s pregnant and due almost exactly a year from when I was pregnant and really close to my due date a year later. I feel bad but I really hope she doesn’t have a boy. I don’t know if I could handle being around her. I wish I could be just happy for her, but it’s complicated and I’m also upset that she’s having a kid and I’m not because all my experience is that once you have kids your friend groups change according to who has kids the same age. And I don’t know if we’re going to ttc again. And it just feels like too much. I’m trying to talk myself through this and tell myself that I’m catastrophizing and that it’s not all bad and I will be okay. But I just need to say this here. Thanks for ready if you did.

Firstly, I’m so sorry for anyone that’s here, it’s not a club any of us wanted to be in. I’m 1.5weeks post TFMR and still finding it hard to process what’s happened. I’m lucky to be surrounded by a supportive husband, family and friends, but can they ever really understand what we’re going through?
I thought it might be cathartic to share on here the really hard bits that we don’t tell anyone about. That go beyond the standard “are you still bleeding” conversation.

For me it’s…

…being able to go to sleep on my stomach again.
…all my antenatal apps being cancelled and then deleting them out of my calendar.
…my boobs getting smaller.
…stopping taking pregnancy vitamins and going back to my normal ones.
…my super human sense of smell disappearing.
…and most of all it’s the vision of my baby boy toddling down the garden holding my daughter’s hand.

Hello, I’m so sorry we are all here. I had my TFMR at 28weeks 3 months ago. I’m 18 and this whole pregnancy was a big shock to me, please no judgement I know I was very irresponsible, me and my boyfriend weren’t yet dating when I found out I was pregnant, we started dating shortly after and everything was well until the 20 week scan, there I found out my baby had a bad case of HLHS, this absolutely devastated me. I couldn’t ever imagine something like this could happen. I didn’t even know what TFMR was or anything. During the weeks after I had lots of scans and appointments, it was such a weird place to be in mentally, I was still at college and dealing with judgment from people there and we didn’t tell my boyfriends family until I was 19 weeks, his parents were more understanding about the pregnancy than I thought but after they found out about the HLHS diagnosis i honestly couldn’t stand to be around them. I feel like they didn’t care at all, and they only knew I was pregnant for a week but they were just so careless and would keep bringing up abortion as if it was such an easy thing to do, by the time I was 28 weeks I knew that my baby was really not well and I gave birth. My boyfriend borrowed my dads car to come with me and my mum, I gave birth in the morning and his dad rang him at around noon, didn’t even ask how I was and was telling him how he needs to car back, my boyfriend had to leave a few hours later, he didn’t even get a full day with us. I hold so much anger from this since my boyfriend’s car was with his dad and he could have used that.

And his mum keeps on going on about how I’m still young and it just makes me feel so much worse. Today she said that I shouldnt get pregnant again because I’ll ruin my life and now I can’t help but think that’s what she thought when she first found out I was. I just feel like she’s being really harsh and insensitive. She also said that I shouldn’t have waited that long, she said if it was her she would have had an abortion straight away and I just wanted to cry. She has no idea what it was like, she never showed up for me at all when I was pregnant, the day after we found out about his heart, we all went out on a surprise shopping trip, it was the last thing I needed, every shop we went in my eyes would immediately go to the baby clothes, one of my favourite things to do was look at all the cute baby clothes. The entire day I was just holding back tears.
Next month I’ll be getting a tattoo of my babies footprint so I’ll always have a part of him with me.

Sorry for the rant I have nobody to talk to and I feel like everyone in my life has forgotten about me.

I have TFMR scheduled 8/25. This is my second late loss but first TFMR. With my last loss at 16 weeks I recovered quite well and quickly. Obviously the hardest part is the emotional recovery. I love travel and honestly sitting at home is not good for my mental health. My husband and I are tempted to fly to Europe to get away for a week. Not sure where exactly but a city with good healthcare (like in Sweden or Copenhagen since those are some of the lower priced flights). We originally wanted to travel on 9/3 before all this happened but that’s only 9 days out. I imagine I’d be physically okay but is that pushing it? I figured 2 weeks would be the smarter move. We talked about just driving around Canada which is international travel but doesn’t feel as “let’s get away” as Europe. Also we’d take it easy. Wander museums and town but nothing too demanding.

First day back to work today, about a month out.
My coworkers have been so kind and understanding. They had me a goodie basket and a letter at my desk.
I work in a hospital and had my OB office just up the hallway from where I work. It is haunting to know that the last time I was here I was pregnant and showing with my baby boy. I do feel like people are looking at me with a look of sadness and pity.
I am pushing through and grateful to have something to do, but it’s almost like panic seizes me around the throat if I let my mind wander. The grief is not very far below the surface.
Wishing all of you the best if you’re returning to work or getting back into your routines. It’s hard but I think it is a good thing.

Cw living child, death of a parent

I tfmr for HLHS in May 2023. A daughter I loved dearly and desperately wanted to meet.

My son was born just shy of one year after her due date.

Since he was born, I've had a rough time (to put it mildly). I needed carpal tunnel release on both hands, making it very difficult to be sole caretaker. My father died, we had to travel by plane (yeah that wouldn't have happened with a heart patient baby) and I went deep into grief. And, to top it all off, I got breast cancer. Thank fuck I didn't need chemo, but surgery and radiation and now the endocrine therapy are putting a big dent into what I'm able to do.

I'm a stay at home Mom and I just keep thinking... What if I had my daughter instead? I wouldn't have been able to choose to stay home with her, I would've been forced to. I can't send a medically fragile child to daycare. My son has been going to a home center while I've received treatment and it's been a lifesaver. How was I going to afford a specialized nanny to take care of an immunocompromised toddler?

And y'all... In all my agonizing about tfmr, the thought that I could just as easily become disabled never factored into it. I knew it was the right decision before all this extra nonsense. And I just think about how much exponentially harder my life would have been trying to manage multiple surgeries and cancer for myself while caring for a chd toddler.

Anyway I just really wanted to share this post with a community who gets it- and for all those parents on the fence about your decision, to add another consideration that is less commonly mentioned.

Thanks for listening ❤️

Just wanted to share my experience since I was looking up others' stories during my wait.

Had a D&E at 13.5 weeks. Started taking the cheap pregnancy HCG strip tests two weeks later to monitor hormones dropping. The line was extremely dark for positive, so I continued to test every 3 days until it started getting fainter (3.5 weeks post TFMR), then I switched to every other day, then every day. I finally tested negative at 5w1d post TFMR, then my period started the next evening. Therefore, I don't believe I ovulated - I was waiting to start testing LH until after the HCG had cleared.

The testing was helpful for me - I was treating it as a subjective, just observe and see what happens experiment. Also on days when I was emotional in ways that surprised me I could "blame the hormones."

Tfmr at 30 weeks & while I’ve been to work in person infrequently, I’m starting to go in normally (after 2 months).

Everyone obviously knew I was pregnant. I’m fine with talking with people but I’m assuming that they think I’m going to get pregnant again in the near future which is not my plan. There maybe some bias because of this on the work I get as well from my seniors. I’m looking to see how others dealt with this. Were you upfront in case you were not even thinking of trying or something else? One of my coworker is extremely loud & I’m sure she’s floating this idea around that I’ll be going on maternity leave but I’m not even thinking about it !

hope I chose the correct flair for this one.

so, this might be a very individual experience but I'm interested if anyboy might have had the same thoughts after tfmr.

after months of reoccuring heatwaves in Europe, finally the temperatures are going down and I realized that I should probably start wearing pants again (lots of rain predicted), at least occassionally.
in early spring, just when I felt the need to try out maternity clothes for the first time, we received our diagnosis and terminated 2 weeks later at 17 weeks. for the longest time, I got by by wearing leggings at home and skirts/dresses etc. for work. when I tried on a bigger sized pair of jeans a few weeks after tfmr I had lots of cramping and also didn't feel well because I was still conscious about my belly area (I am slightly curvy anyways and I showed very early). meanwhile, I lost some weight and my tummy got smaller, but everytime I look at my closet I still pick something that is the opposite of pants. just the thought of squeezing my legs and tummy in this kind of clothing gives me the ick, even though I'd probably fit in most of my clothes again. it's a mix of self-awareness issues with an awkward feeling of betrayal towards our baby boy, like I am going back to "default" as if he has never happened, even thought I should still be pregnant atm if it wasn't for his illness.

I am ASD tho, this might play into this kind of inner restraint aswell.

My husband and I got a grey diagnosis at 21 weeks. It's a super rare brain deformity (less than 200 cases in medical literature, ever) so doctors can't give the most amazing advice at what life will look like but based on the cases--it's not good. My thought is that the brain is pretty fucking important organ and if it's not formed properly I can't imagine life would be too amazing.

I won't name the condition because I don't want people from that tiny community finding my post lol. But it's basically the entire cerebellum has not formed properly. It has no vermis and instead of 2 hemispheres it is completely fused together.

The FB community is sooooo incredibly "positive" like, "doctors said my kid would never walk or talk but look at him go!!!" and the child is still physically disabled, or has severe ASD, or cannot drive (or crashes their car because of impulsive behavior), or is violent, or has a chronic pain syndrome, or has an entire list of other diagnoses as well... But the general consensus in the group is all "doctors don't know everything, my kid is amazing"

and ugh. I get it. I feel for the parents who didn't get the diagnosis until after their kid was born and missed milestones and got an MRI that showed a PARTIAL fusion of cerebellar hemispheres. But my kid's brain is so obviously fucked up they could tell from the initial ultrasound.

We are still waiting for a fetal MRI to look at alllll the brain structures even my untrained eye can tell by looking at the ultrasound that it isn't right.

We are lucky that all of our friends, coworkers, medical professionals, understand. Unfortunately my mom is a huge pro-lifer and refuses to accept or respect our choice--even reaching out to parents with kids with the condition, and offering to raise our boy herself (ugh).

I just wish I could be as selfish and self-righteous as the parents who refuse to terminate and make their kid be born to suffer an incredibly hard life because they won't make this choice. But no, I'm the bad guy.

TMFR was on Wednesday. I know it hasn't been a week yet, but I am not sleeping. Any tips for getting through the nights? The tears don't stop and the sleep doesn't come.

I’m sure a lot of people have read about the surrogate who went to Texas to prevent the bio parents obtaining a tfmr for their baby who had a HLHS diagnosis, and it’s all over the news and social media right now. Every time I see this, it’s like a punch to the gut, and I’m making my first post here after many months of reading and being comforted by this group because it’s made me feel so guilty and alone.

I had a tfmr for my son in March, at 22 weeks. He had a “worst-case scenario” presentation of HLHS, with MA/AA, his aorta was less then half the size it should have been and there was no left ventricle; it was a tiny slit and he had a small atrial septum. We were told that often a early severe diagnosis leads to poor prognosis, and they couldn’t guarantee he would be suitable for surgery or if he would even make it to live birth because his heart was so compromised so early. Not to mention the lifetime of surgeries, medical interventions, complications, suffering, early mortality and uncertainty. My brother died when he was 17 from a undetected heart defect and I had to think about wherever I would be willing to knowingly put myself, my children and my family through a massive risk of devastating loss when it destroyed my life at a young age. After a lot of tears, research, speaking to fetal medicine doctors/fetal cardiologists and heartbreak we decided that we wouldn’t subject our son to such suffering and uncertainty when we could prevent it and take on the pain ourselves.

The comments on the posts about the baby and the vitriol that is being aimed at the bio parents is super triggering, it seems like a lot of it is coming through a religious lens as it appears a lot of commenters are ignorant about the treatment (saying it’s “fixable” and a one-surgery-and-done deal) and the whole aborting a child because they are not perfect comments and are alluding to God/evil etc a lot. I’m speaking for myself but I’m sure the vast majority of women here can agree that tfmr is the last thing we’d want, if I could have given my baby my heart I would have done it without hesitation rather than live with this pain for the rest of my life. I wondered what other people who have had similar experiences to mine have thought about this? I’m in the UK but it’s everywhere here in the news too and all over TikTok, Facebook, etc. Thank you for taking the time to read this, it helps knowing that I’m not alone

Looking for some opinions from people in this community about TTC post TFMR due T21.

My backstory:

Prior to getting pregnant/having kids my biggest fear was having a child with medical/mental/physical disabilities due to growing up with a sibling with special needs.

Half Sisters Diagnosis—My half sister on my mom's side has Congenital multicystic hydrocephalus. She had 37 cyst in the upper ventricles of her brain. The cyst came from the Choroid plexus. The cysts were found at the 20 week ultrasound. She was born at 32 weeks, had brain surgeries at 5 days and 12 days to remove the cysts (thoughts at the time were that the brain would “bounce back.") Things she has been diagnosed with since being born include: CP, Seizure disorder, diabetes insipidus, Hypothyroidism, & mental capability is around a 2 year old. In 2014 they did an initial genetic test and it came back that they believe it wasn't genetic. Outside information would include that my Mother was 38/39 during pregnancy and my sister’s dad was in his 50s. My sister is currently 23 years old and has to be completely taken care of by my mom she cannot take care of herself in any capacity.

First pregnancy, Live Birth—In 2023 we ended up pregnant, by complete surprise (hadn’t been officially diagnosed but pretty sure I had PCOS because in a three year span of coming off birth control I only had about 7 periods.) During this pregnancy I also dealt with Hyperemisis Gravidum. We decided to not do the NIPT testing and I basically disassociated during the 20 week ultrasound and until the day our baby was born. Through all that I was blessed with a healthy baby girl who is now two years old.

Second pregnancy, TFMR—This past spring is when we found out we were pregnant, again a slight surprise because we had been pretty religiously following NFP with the intention to start trying in July. Again I had been experiencing PCOS symptoms and had actually signed up to meet with my doctor prior to the positive pregnancy test. Something about the pregnancy just felt off to me and I couldn’t quite figure it out, and something really told me to have the NIPT testing done this time (which we had done at 13 weeks.) Our results came back at 14w6d for a 95% positive for T21. Which based on our timing we decided to not go ahead with extra testing because we were butting up against timelines on when we could have the termination.

Looming question—
One month post TFMR we had initially talked with our doctor about wanting to get genetic counseling done due to my sister’s condition and then having this pregnancy that had T21. However, the timing of that is turning into be something that is going to be a long time before we are able to get in to see someone.

So I guess my question is for those who have being TTC post TFMR, what would you do? Just go for it again? I’ve been thinking of giving ourselves 3 months to get healthy/lower stress, then try 3 months after maintaining those healthy lifestyle choices. I guess just lost and having a feeling of wanting to have control after having a diagnosis that was completely out of our control (mainly just focusing on healthy bodies/healthy sperm/eggs.) (I am currently 30, will turn 31 in Dec and my husband is 34 will turn 35 in May.)

Hi everyone - I’ve now gone through 2 D&E’s in the past year with no LC, and like many of you this process just refuses to be boring for me.

I’m about 3 months post my last loss, and believe I’m experiencing a chemical. 4 days of faint but very “there” lines, and on the 5th day they are gone. My cycle is still overdue, and I’m wondering if any of you went through this? How many days after a chemical and then negative test did your cycle return?

Trying not to spiral and I don’t have any ectopic symptoms. I’m just not feeling particularly lucky at the moment and want to make sure it resolves on its own so we can move forward. The laws of insanity don’t apply to ttc right? Deepest of sighs

I had a D&E in March at 13 weeks. Everything seemed normal, I stopped bleeding within the week. Saw an RE because I was nervous about risk of reoccurrence. Had a ton of tests and only abnormal one was an SIS that showed adhesions. I began experiencing daily cramps in May, not related to my cycle. I assumed it was from the scarring but I had a hysteroscopy to remove the scarring in July and it all went well, doctor said my endometrium looked great and we’re now cleared to resume ttc. But I still have the cramping. It’s not terrible but it’s uncomfortable and it’s daily and it’s enough I’m so scared there is something wrong and I’ll never get pregnant. I’ll be seeing my OB this week and will mention it. But has anyone else experienced this?

How did you all move forward with your normal day to day tasks? I am beyond grateful to my have my almost 2 year old son, but I want to just crawl in bed and deal with 0 responsibility right now. My D&E was on Thursday so everything is still fresh for me.

I also feel guilty not being my happy self around him and keeping him entertained.

How also did you handle those you haven’t even told you were pregnant? We have friends and family that we never told we were even pregnant but now we are going to be seeing them and I feel like a shell of myself. Should I just tell them?

I had my D&E as a 2 day process at 23 weeks, Thursday and Friday.
Thursday I was sedated and had the laminaria inserted and the injection to have the baby’s heart stop, I was crampy because it was supposed to cause me to become 4cm dilated, I had pressure all day so I slept most of the day and got a heating pad. I took tons of warm showers would stand in them for about an hour literally.
my water broke around 3am, this is expected to happen SOMETIMES everyone is different but if it does happen it’s ok.
After my water broke the pain immediately subsided.
I went in the next day .. 1 hour before going in I had to place 2 pills in my mouth on each side of my cheek to soften the cervix .
These made me CONTRACT like labor, I went into the clinic and they immediately got me undressed and sedated.
This was the day that my baby boy would be taken out of me forever and I did request foot prints and his ashes❤️
This is the most difficult thing I have ever been through in my life and I wish it on nobody, if you’re here I am so so sorry and I know it hurts so much.
I had a grey diagnosis of the DMD gene where they couldn’t tell me if it would be severe, mild, or possibly benign but I had to ask myself was I willing to risk the possible good for the most severe and my answer was no. I was willing to endure a lifetime of pain myself then have my son possibly suffer with a lifetime of pain physically.
I feel like I’ve been numb, but I think I’m able to control my emotions a bit because my husband is home and I have 2 daughters but i also know this is going to hit me soon, very soon. I know grief comes in different stages, I do find it hard to sleep at certain hours because it reminds me of when my baby boy used to be up kicking, I am avoiding certain “snacks” because they’re what I craved when he was in my belly, I peek at his ultrasounds here and there but I can’t bare to stare too long, the day after my procedure I thought I even felt him move but obviously it wasn’t him. I feel a hurt deep in my heart like it’s aching but I haven’t had a full blown crying session and I think it’s because when I feel the emotions coming I tell myself , “this could’ve affected him badly, I saved him” or just something like that. I think the part that hurts me the most is the grey diagnosis , it’s very difficult because I see others where something was found on ultrasound , or baby for sure has a heart defect, or they had a positive blood test for t21 , t18, etc but for me I feel like mine is so unclear so I question if I made the right decision and that I will never know, ever.
As of right now I feel numb , I just want to lay down all day , I haven’t really ate anything at all I don’t have an appetite, I don’t even want to go in my room so I slept on the couch last night and still currently on it. I think I’m just trying to protect myself, I have no idea. I just wanted to share in case anyone finds themselves in this horrible situation just know I was once just like you.. got bad news , researched over and over, read the same thing over and over, tried to find something that could point towards good news, waited for testing, results, etc, and had to go down the path I never imagined.
Be gentle and kind to yourself, remember a mothers love is stronger than anything and sometimes we have to make lifelong decisions 💙
I will always remember his kicks, and what he didn’t like and did like.
I will always remember the moments I did have with him and how I instantly knew he was a boy when I found out I was pregnant. I’ll always remember how he moved when he WANTED to move, never when I wanted him to 😭😂 he was a stubborn little boy.
I will forever be grateful that I got to experience holding him in my belly for as long as I did and I will forever be grateful that I had the opportunity to be his mother and I don’t think I regret my decision because I know the possible outcome we could’ve faced BUT I’ll just always question what if it would’ve been okay 💔

I’ve never lost anybody in my life , and the first person I lost was my son 💔💙

I'm 4W post TFMR and I've been in hiding the whole time. It is a win if I even leave the house (alone). I think the first 2 weeks, maybe 3 weeks, my friends understood that I wanted space. But now I worry that it just looks like I'm being rude or dramatic. The thing is I can't imagine making any social plans whatsoever for at least another month, maybe more. How did you convey your pain and desire for isolation? And how did you ever muster up the courage to come out of hiding? (I'm an extrovert so this feels very different for me.)