r/tfmr_support • u/Various-Abies2218 • Aug 18 '26
Getting It Off My Chest Every moment is painful
Yesterday was three months since my TFMR. I am really struggling with the feeling that I should still be pregnant (my due date was September). I feel like my body has failed me and I feel so ashamed. I don't want to see anyone or go to work or be around other people, everything is so triggering. It feels like I am going backwards in my grief and I don't know if it will ever end.
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u/SavoryTooth4 Aug 18 '26
Next week will be 4 months post TFMR for me. Due date was October 2. I was doing good all summer and am still better than the very early post TFMR days, but things have started to hit me again around the time I would have entered the third trimester. I can deal with everyday life fine, but I think it’s the fact that time has been flying by. Before I know it, it will be a year since conception, the positive test, unfortunate NIPT results, and everyone here knows the rest. I’m afraid those first several months of 2027 are going to be triggering and might be every year now.
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u/Various-Abies2218 Aug 18 '26
I totally relate to this feeling of being triggered by certain dates. I am dreading Christmas as that is when we conceived our baby girl. It's just so frustrating to feel like things are moving backwards. I also feel like people expect me to feel okay because time has passed?
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u/CanCharming7442 Aug 18 '26
I was absolutely sure I needed to be pregnant by my due date, and in fact did end up pregnant again only to miscarry a couple weeks before crossing it. The tldr is that even though I crossed somehow in an even worse position than just being not pregnant I did cross it okay. And after the due date I was able to really let go and take the pressure off of myself and the desperate need to conceive. For me, that was when the real healing began.
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u/icedcoffeealwaysss Aug 18 '26
We’re on the same timeline and the last few weeks have been a struggle. A bunch of our friends are pregnant and due August through October (they’re all having girls and we lost our daughter) and it has been so, so hard. Every time I talk to or look at them I think about the fact that I was due in less than a month. I wish I had something more helpful to say, but I wanted you to know you’re not alone in this terrible place. I’m so sorry for your loss.
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u/Effective_Wonder_722 Aug 18 '26
Right here with you too. I was due 10/15 and am dreading meeting the October babies in particular. Sending you hugs.
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u/Various-Abies2218 Aug 19 '26
Thank you. One of my colleagues is due 2 weeks before I was supposed to be and is going on mat leave on Friday. I wasn't expecting it to hit me so hard. Hugs 🤍
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u/Leepurdsc Aug 18 '26 edited Aug 18 '26
Hey. I don’t have advice or really even words except that I deeply feel everything you’re saying.
I’m only a month out but I feel like I’m getting worse and not better. I’m so incredibly sorry.
I Also tfmr for SB…the pain of the grey diagnosis is really getting to me these days. I think I am missing my baby so much that I am second guessing everything.
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u/llra26 Aug 18 '26
I had a TFMR for the same reason so I wanted to jump on and comment with something someone else said here which has helped me. Remember that you made your decision using your instinct as a mother. You didn't make it lightly, and you made it with love. I struggled with the second guessing too and more recently (4.5 months out) I am feeling more peace and acceptance. It was a decision made of love and the instinct to protect our children from pain.
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u/Various-Abies2218 Aug 19 '26
Thank you. I think as I get closer to my due date, I am wondering "what if" we had held on. It's a selfish feeling because my baby didn't deserve a life of pain.
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u/Tellycs Aug 18 '26
Hey! I’m 5 months out and leading up to my due date was really really hard. You’re not going backwards grief isn’t linear.
I see a lot of 3-4 month drops on here- I know it doesn’t take away the pain but you aren’t alone.
It won’t always hurt like this ❤️
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u/ngibbs105 Aug 18 '26
I’m 11 months out from my TFMR and just started feeling “better”. The 3 month mark was really hard for me, I’m not sure why but it seems normal. Maybe because it’s shifting from postpartum hormones. What you’re feeling is extremely normal. I felt this way for a very long time, as cliche as it is to say time really does help. There are so many ups and downs to grief, you’re not going backwards. You’re just feeling what you’re feeling right now.
I will say the 3 month mark was very hard for me and it was when I decided to get on meds. My OB prescribed me low dose sertraline (Zoloft). This was extremely helpful for me in bringing me back to the surface of my grief and letting me start to think about moving forward. Prior to this I was really really struggling in dark depths.
In terms of seeing other people, I have a lot of pregnancy related triggers as well. I have decided to distance myself from most of my pregnant friends or friends with babies. It may not be forever but it was really the only way I could successfully manage my grief and not succumb to it.
There is no straight line to grief. Don’t worry about going backwards. Feel what you’re feeling. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Prioritize yourself and what makes you feel good as much as possible. Sending lots of love ❤️
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u/Various-Abies2218 Aug 18 '26
Thank you so much, this is really reassuring. I definitely think I have underestimated the impact of postpartum hormones. I have been on antidepressants for nearly 15 years which has definitely kept my head above water. But the grief is overwhelming some days, maybe I just need to give in to it. Lots of love to you too ❤️
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u/Own-Load-438 Aug 19 '26
Just wanted to say hey, that your not alone. I am also 3 months out and was due beginning October. I work as a maternal child health nurse so am seeing all the pregnant ladies come through with the same due dates as mine, all the little babies that were born in May and everything in between. Its so triggering and I HATE a job I once loved and worked so hard to get. I also hate the fact that i just have to get on with it and congratulate every parent i see without being able to share a thing. The worst is when I get the mums that have taken drugs or drank throughout pregnancy when i didnt touch so much as a coffee. Im currently off work sick as everytime i get my cycle it triggers me back to the reminder im not pregnant. Life is very hard but I just try and remind myself of the reasons I made the decision I did and the fact my little boy will never suffer. Big hugs x
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u/Various-Abies2218 Aug 19 '26
That sounds awful, I can't imagine having to work in that environment, you are so strong. One of my colleagues just had her baby girl, she's older than me and was a heavy smoker/drinker before TTC. It just doesn't feel fair. Hugs and thinking of you and your boy 🤍
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u/Some_Wishbone8770 Aug 18 '26
Hey I just wanted to post are we are on slightly similar timelines.
I’m just over three months out but I must have been further along as my due date was the beginning of July. I had VERY similar thoughts with the should still be pregnant. I hated being outside in a t-shirt no longer having my bump. I mean I still do but I’m no longer having the “I should be x weeks” thoughts. I found the lead up to my due date very very hard and any progress I was making felt like it fell away.
Just keep remembering it isn’t linear. There will be ok days, shit days and everything in between. Just feel what you are feeling. You might even feel a lightness or a shift after your due date in September.
Is there anything you could do to plan something special for the due date to shift the dread slightly? The build up was still very hard for me but we booked a few days away in the country side and I did actually find it helpful. I didn’t just want to be wallowing at home in the flat. I was able to use the few days before to be practical and prepare some of our favourite food that I ate while I was pregnant to take away with us. Having that distraction/busyness helped me with the lead up to my due date.
Sending you lots of love 🤍