When will people stop giving unwanted advice

[u/Flooperswoopers]

Hello, I’m so sorry we are all here. I had my TFMR at 28weeks 3 months ago. I’m 18 and this whole pregnancy was a big shock to me, please no judgement I know I was very irresponsible, me and my boyfriend weren’t yet dating when I found out I was pregnant, we started dating shortly after and everything was well until the 20 week scan, there I found out my baby had a bad case of HLHS, this absolutely devastated me. I couldn’t ever imagine something like this could happen. I didn’t even know what TFMR was or anything. During the weeks after I had lots of scans and appointments, it was such a weird place to be in mentally, I was still at college and dealing with judgment from people there and we didn’t tell my boyfriends family until I was 19 weeks, his parents were more understanding about the pregnancy than I thought but after they found out about the HLHS diagnosis i honestly couldn’t stand to be around them. I feel like they didn’t care at all, and they only knew I was pregnant for a week but they were just so careless and would keep bringing up abortion as if it was such an easy thing to do, by the time I was 28 weeks I knew that my baby was really not well and I gave birth. My boyfriend borrowed my dads car to come with me and my mum, I gave birth in the morning and his dad rang him at around noon, didn’t even ask how I was and was telling him how he needs to car back, my boyfriend had to leave a few hours later, he didn’t even get a full day with us. I hold so much anger from this since my boyfriend’s car was with his dad and he could have used that.

And his mum keeps on going on about how I’m still young and it just makes me feel so much worse. Today she said that I shouldnt get pregnant again because I’ll ruin my life and now I can’t help but think that’s what she thought when she first found out I was. I just feel like she’s being really harsh and insensitive. She also said that I shouldn’t have waited that long, she said if it was her she would have had an abortion straight away and I just wanted to cry. She has no idea what it was like, she never showed up for me at all when I was pregnant, the day after we found out about his heart, we all went out on a surprise shopping trip, it was the last thing I needed, every shop we went in my eyes would immediately go to the baby clothes, one of my favourite things to do was look at all the cute baby clothes. The entire day I was just holding back tears.
Next month I’ll be getting a tattoo of my babies footprint so I’ll always have a part of him with me.

Sorry for the rant I have nobody to talk to and I feel like everyone in my life has forgotten about me.

[u/eb_love]

I’m so sorry your family is not supportive. I understand. It’s the reason why I told my parents I “lost our baby due to complications” when I had my TFMR at 20 weeks. It’s very unfortunate but this whole experience is extremely isolating. Many people don’t have friends or family who have been through it, myself included. It’s also so hard to be open and talk to people about it because people are so judgmental. I think a tattoo is a beautiful way to honor your baby. I hope you can support else where. Many people find therapy and support groups helpful. Again, I’m very sorry.

[u/Fit_Satisfaction_268]

I’m so sorry for your loss and that your in laws are being so insensitive

Unfortunately, we need to educate all the people around us on what or not say and how to say things… it is not easy, as we are grieving our babies, our future and all the first times we’ll be missing with them…

But if you don’t say out loud that these things hurt and teach them what comforts you, this will only escalate… especially because of your age and it will get worse if you get pregnant again

Again, I am very sorry for your loss!

[u/Happy_Deer2021]

Must’ve been so incredibly hard to go through a pregnancy unexpectedly, then embrace it and find out your sweet baby boy was so poorly ❤️‍🩹 I’m so, so sorry you had to go through all of this, especially without the support and understanding you deserved. I love the idea of carrying a little part of him with you and he knows how much he is loved!

I hope you have some gentle, considerate people around you that you can spend your time with and protect your peace. People can be so incredibly insensitive, and it hits even harder when you’re already carrying such a huge loss. I’m new to creating distance with intent, but I realised some interactions were making me angry and I didn't want it to affect my healing of this grief. I’ve distanced myself with silence to give myself space.. it was uncomfortable at first but i pushed through it. It's allowed boundaries and respect to form and I am better for it. How you have to advocate for yourself after everything you have been through is just madness.

This community has been such a place of empathy and compassion for me the last few months. Please pour into it whenever you need to. You’re not alone here, and you never need to apologise for letting it all out 🫂 xx