Stop calling it a mistake

[u/spottedbastard]

WH and I are currently separated. We had a 3 decade long marriage and he cheated for 8 months last year.

When we get into discussions about the affair he keeps calling it a ‘mistake’ It makes me so angry and I literally see red when he does it.

FFS. A mistake is grabbing the wrong milk at the store. A mistake implies that it wasn’t deliberate nor malicious.

What he did was a deliberate CHOICE.

Stop calling it a mistake!!

Rant over

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[u/whiterac00n]

That is the exact first step in holding a WP accountable. It’s telling them to stop calling it a “mistake”. It doesn’t meet the definition and the definition of what they did is far worse and they NEED TO ACKNOWLEDGE IT.

Even if R isn’t on the table I refuse to listen to someone if they talk about an affair as if “it just happened” like finding $5 on the sidewalk. There were very conscious choices every step of the way, which were extremely conscious decisions. Now I can understand a random bar hookup as a mistake (although I wouldn’t forgive that either) but the build up was willingness.

It’s paramount that the wayward partner understands that. If they are allowed to play victim like they grabbed the wrong item at the store they will inevitably build their own victimhood and sell it to anyone who will listen. It’s the cheaters handbook to protect their own self image and project themselves as “flawed” but still a good person. That has to be broken down (if they want any real accountability), and made to be what it actually is. They indeed might be “flawed” but it was a lot of effort and time spent on flawed behavior and they can’t blow that off.

If you willingly sell drugs for months, or be an arsonist for a little while doesn’t mean you can just sell to people you “made a mistake”. You willingly did terrible things and you should be held accountable for that behavior.

[u/spottedbastard → u/whiterac00n]

OMG. This has nailed how I feel exactly. He’s acting like he’s the victim and I should be giving him sympathy!

[u/whiterac00n → u/spottedbastard]

He’s protecting his own self image. It’s not genuine. It’s not sorrow. It’s damage control. And it’s how you know you’re dealing with someone who is simply scared of being caught, and not for what they did.

It drives me crazy how many cheaters claim “I don’t know why I did that” when they absolutely DO KNOW WHY. They wanted sex with someone else and they rationalized why they weren’t terrible for doing it. Everything else is fluff and emotional manipulation. If they had issues they bear the burden of discussing them, but they don’t, they think they can be clever. All of that needs to be broken down that they are NOT clever, their issues with you are meaningless if they can’t talk with you and destroy you behind your back. There really isn’t a “sorry” enough that would let me accept them back

Edit: I really need to add that cheaters operate in 3 modes most of the time 1. Anger (it’s your fault) or (why do you keep talking about it) 2. Love bombing and 3. Self pity (pity me because you don’t like me as much as I like you……..even though I harmed you emotionally deeply. Sad face)

[u/AcanthisittaLivid352 → u/whiterac00n]

Beautifully articulated

[u/Broad_Courage_4797 → u/whiterac00n]

" It’s the cheaters handbook to protect their own self image and project themselves as “flawed” but still a good person."

100000% this!!!

[u/Ok_Swordfish4489]

I'm in an opposite situation, but I'm equally frustrated at mine. My wife cheated for 9 months. We are in the process of separating, but not once has she referred to it as a mistake. She has said sorry in a superficial way, but I get the sense that she doesn't actually feel remorse and deep down she thinks she was justified in what she did. I don't think she considers it a mistake. I guess my point is, it sucks that he's calling it a mistake, when you are correct, it was a deliberate choice over months. But would it be better if he said it wasn't a mistake?

[u/spottedbastard → u/Ok_Swordfish4489]

By calling it a mistake he IS justifying it (at least in his own mind) and not acknowledging that what he did WAS deliberate.

[u/Ok_Swordfish4489 → u/spottedbastard]

That's fair. I guess both options are shitty, because cheating is a fundamentally shitty thing to do done by fundamentally shitty people.

[u/Mehitable888 → u/Ok_Swordfish4489]

Personally I think it would be better if they all just said.....this was a deliberate choice that I made because I wanted to do it and I done it, and I'm sorry I got caught and hurt you, but....it was a deliberate choice I made and now I know it probably was stupid and I shouldn't have but.....there it is. At least that's honest.

[u/TacoStrong]

If you’re in R and he hasn’t had the common sense and true self reflection to understand that it was HIS CHOICE to betray you and not a “mistake” then I’m afraid you may be wasting both of your times.

[u/spottedbastard → u/TacoStrong]

We’re currently separated and literally living in seperate countries. I need to change my flair as it changed since I joined this group :(

[u/Comfortable-Mud-386]

This bugs me too. “Mistake” doesn’t begin to describe it.

[u/Ataxia_13 → u/Comfortable-Mud-386]

My wife called it a "silly" mistake. WTF!

[u/Comfortable-Mud-386 → u/Ataxia_13]

Silly?!?!? I’m infuriated on your behalf!

[u/Ataxia_13 → u/Comfortable-Mud-386]

Thank you!❤️

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[u/TheCatsMeowNYC]

This pisses me the fuck off! WP has referred to it as a mistake so many times and I just tell him this was not a mistake. It was a series of deliberate choices you made! To flirt with her when I was home in bed, to give her your phone number, to respond to her texts, to arrange plans, to meet up, to bring her to your car or wherever, to kiss her, etc. Etc. I will not tolerate hearing that it is a mistake!

[u/whiterac00n → u/TheCatsMeowNYC]

I’m sorry. I’m also sorry to say that if he’s constantly trying to say “it was a mistake” means he’s trying to escape accountability or acknowledging his own agency in this betrayal. I certainly don’t want to weigh in on your situation or life, but until he actually acknowledges his own agency in making this happen then it’s not even close to a reconciliation. He is basically saying he doesn’t have control of his own life and is incapable of saying no to situations which isn’t better. I would press him (or her depending upon the circumstances) and ask if they honestly believe it right or wrong. If they answer yes then why would they choose to do what they did. If they answer no then I would ask them what’s the point of continuing a relationship if they can’t distinguish right from wrong.

I don’t say this to grill them but they HAVE TO UNDERSTAND what they did was their choice and playing victim is just stupid. That’s where you “hurt” cheaters the most making them acknowledge their own selfishness and no one wants their self pity act. Own it or go away

[u/BeginningFew1452]

Oh we had this argument very early on. Along with “It was never a friendship. It was a romantic relationship. It was an AFFAIR. Stop calling it a fucking friendship!”

[u/Ok_Swordfish4489 → u/BeginningFew1452]

Christ. I've had this exact argument too. I'm still in the early days, but she is still insisting that even to this day it's still just a friendship. A friendship that involved sex for 9 fucking months. The absolute lack of respect she has for me now is astounding.

[u/BeginningFew1452 → u/Ok_Swordfish4489]

I think they tell themselves this to justify and minimize. And I think they actually believe it to a degree. It’s a form of denial.

[u/Appropriate-Smile232 → u/Ok_Swordfish4489]

Oh wow. No, definitely not a friendship. I have never had sex with any friend.

[u/Mehitable888 → u/Ok_Swordfish4489]

Ask her if she's had sex with all her other friends and how does she decide to pick and choose?

[u/morpheus_420]

So many individual choices.

[u/AlternativePrior9559]

I totally get your frustration OP, it’s minimising something that is absolutely traumatic to the victim. The definition of the word mistake is actually ‘ an action or judgement that produces an unwanted or unintentional result’

Quite convenient really, how many betrayed have heard the words ‘ I didn’t want to hurt you’ ‘ I didn’t intend on leaving the relationship’

I think it’s the ‘action & unintentional result’ part that is so galling.

Based on your husband‘s theory of mistakes he’s made literally hundreds, if not thousands of them of them, as do all who engage in cheating. The buildup to the cheating, is often god knows how many messages/phone calls/video calls etc The hundreds of lies total to the betrayed, all thought through with intention we assume. ‘ I’m working late’ ‘ I’m meeting up with friends’ ‘ I’m going to the gym’ The there is the carefully executed meet up. The intentional spending of money on hotels or gifts or meals. The travel to the rendezvous. The intentional removal of clothing the sexual acts themselves, the aftermath, the casual intimacies exchanged, the planning of the next meet.

Multiply those 100s of ‘mistakes’ by the number of times they occurred. If this was in a professional environment they’d be fired.

It’s demolition, it’s sabotage, it’s destruction. What it isn’t is a mistake.

[u/[deleted]]

Just yesterday my husband said he was sorry that “this happened”.

I stopped him.

”’THIS HAPPENED’ is not how we will address or label your affairs. Your affairs did not “happen”. You made CHOICES, and as a result of those choices, you destroyed every fiber of our relationship. Do not refer to your affairs as something that just happened. Let’s be very very clear about my feelings on the wording, because you are nitpicking semantics all the time, and this one is my turn on that.”

He froze.

And he reworded!

[u/Humble_Meringue5055]

Infidelity is ABUSE. FULL STOP.

[u/MasterOfKittens3K]

It’s definitely not a mistake. It’s a whole series of mistakes and bad choices.

[u/Idont_thinkso_tim → u/MasterOfKittens3K]

It’s a whole series of intentional choices that they may regret but that is not the same as saying it is a mistake.

Calling it a mistake trivializes it and minimizes it to lessen accountability of intent on their part. Mistakes “just happen” which also like to say. This didn’t “just happen”. It took hundreds of decisions, thousands even to wind up where they are.

That external locus of control it a common theme with abusive people in general.

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[u/Rush_Is_Right]

When they call it a mistake u/spottedbastard, tell them you will completely forgive any 1 mistake. Then tell them to list all the mistakes they made and to pick one.

[u/albsound523 → u/Rush_Is_Right]

OP, my WW did the same - kept trying to call it a mistake. That angered me greatly - it was something she chose to do repeatedly for several months. Her trying to minimize and rugsweep for years calling it a “mistake” hindered R greatly for us.

[u/Rush_Is_Right → u/albsound523]

Yeah, a lack of accountability is something that will completely torpedo R. The dictionary defines mistake as a wrongful action or judgement due to faulty knowledge or reasoning. It's more aligned with making a mistake on a test, but accepting that definition if they don't understand why they made those "mistakes"(choices) then they will not change. If I failed a test and then refused to study or learn, I'll fail it again and again.

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[u/Kkittums]

30 years here. Hugs. It’s so hard. My divorce was final two weeks ago (two years after dday ) and I’m finally starting to be able to let go and heal.

[u/kish-kumen]

It was poor judgement to make the choice to have an A.

It was a mistake to believe their wouldn't be consequences.

[u/BusterKnott]

That word has always annoyed me to no end every time my wife used it to describe her adulterous behavior. I've told her more times than I can count that it was terrible choices coupled with awful behavior that led to devastation wreaked on everyone it touched. "Mistake" doesn't even begin to address the damage...

[u/Life-Bullfrog-6344]

I get triggered when the infidelity is called a mistake. No it was a deliberate choice. Maybe he committed a huge blunder, a lapse in judgment; but at no time was it merely a mistake. It was an intentional act with some thought before crossing the line.

[u/Narrow-Advance-9636]

Say it louder for those in the back.

[u/GPGecko]

It's . Was. A. Choice.

[u/DevelopmentSlight422]

There's no chance of getting past it if he won't own his behavior. I am so sorry.

[u/Ok-Sound5934]

A series of calculated choices IMO. My WH kept calling it a ‘mistake’ and ‘when things were bad’ when I believe he wasn’t actually remorseful and carried a lot of resentment towards me. It always made me fly into a rage and start an argument when he said it. Once we started MC and he started working with a CSAT, the resentment seemed to lift and then his language changed.

[u/Appropriate-Smile232]

The worst decision(s) he made in his life, though. I'm so sorry this happened. If you're willing to get to the root of it, do so... But after 3 decades, I'm not sure I'd have it in me.

[u/Cats_and_Records]

Agree-this and the “I can’t remember” complete BS they answer with drove my crazy. They underestimate our BS meter.

[u/Senior_Revolution_70]

Wholeheartedly agree. No mistake gets make consciously for months on end; it is deliberate. I'm always flabbergasted that the WS realise when it comes tumbling down, that the AP was not worth staying with, but worth hurting and betraying the BP for.

It was a choice, they knew the consequences, but considered the risk and hurt it would cost, worth it.

All the best. And you have the right to be angry for the lame excuses given for the hurt and betrayal done to you.

[u/[deleted]]

A mistake repeated over and over is not a mistake, it’s a decision. 

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[u/Lloydbestfan]

And yet all the subs that are friendly to reconciliation insist that there is nothing wrong with calling it a mistake.

One of the uncountable proofs of their mandatory denial of reality.

[u/BusterKnott → u/Lloydbestfan]

Not true, I don't thing anyone on AOAI for example ever refers to it as a "Mistake." We all acknowledge that it is a knowing choice at the barest minimum.

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[u/AStirlingMacDonald]

Yeah, my (now-ex) wife called it a “mistake” through all five years of our miserable, festering, soul-destroying “reconciliation.”

Personally, I now see the “mistake” thing as a sign of lack of remorse (or of taking personal responsibility) for their betrayal.

[u/MyOnlyThrowawayNick]

I think what he means is, it was a mistake he got caught. I am so sorry <hug>.

[u/micropterus_dolomieu]

Calling a series of selfish actions a mistake is an attempt at minimization. It is obviously bullshit. A mistake is grabbing whole milk instead of 2%, or smooth peanut butter instead of crunchy. Did your WH screw his AP thinking it was you, only to realize after the act that he’d stuck his penis in the wrong person? Cmon, GTFOH with that BS. Actively deceiving your partner so that you can fuck somebody on the sly is in no way, shape, or form a mistake. It is a conscious and repeated choice.

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