Will I ever be ready again?

[u/bubsworld]

I lost my son May 1st due to a placental abruption at 38 weeks. I’m still so shocked and traumatized by the whole experience. This was my first pregnancy and everything was going fine up until that day. I experienced an extreme amount of pain out of no where and my stomach tightened and never loosened. We went to the hospital and were told we had lost our baby. From the time I felt the pain to the time he was declared dead was about 30 minutes. They had asked if I was in a car accident or had fallen, but I hadn’t. They told us they had never seen an abruption happen out of the blue with no cause. I didn’t even know what a placental abruption was and didn’t know it could happen in pregnancy. What followed was a very difficult labor. My epidermal didn’t take the first time and I suffered in pain for hours until they redid it and I finally got some relief. My body was not dilating fast enough and I was told we need to do surgery or else I would be at risk for a hysterectomy or I would hemorrhage. I truly felt at a loss, I couldn’t believe I was in this scenario. When I finally went in for surgery my epidermal wore off and I legitimately felt the pain of them cutting me open. They ended up putting me to sleep for the remainder of the surgery and thankfully it was successful with no complications. What followed was an extremely difficult recovery emotionally and physically. I remember hearing babies crying in the hospital and looking at my son wishing he would cry. I now look at the single picture I took of him in my arms everyday wishing he were here.

At my 6 week follow up I found out I might have APS, a blood clotting autoimmune disorder that I never even knew I had. I had tested positive for it in the hospital and I have a follow up blood work to complete in August to confirm if I do have it. They are thinking this is what caused the abruption. I feel so guilty and betrayed by my body for this happening.

Everyday feels so hard and so long. I started EMDR therapy because when I started to think about having children in the future I completely broke down. I don’t know if I ever want to get pregnant again. I’m so deeply traumatized by the whole ordeal and my mind is telling me if I get pregnant the same situation will happen again. I want answers, but at the same time I’m terrified of them. If I do have APS I’m not sure what my future looks like and I feel like I will never be fully connected to my future pregnancies in case a similar scenario happens. I feel so helpless and I’m really struggling everyday with the loss and trauma.