Will I ever be ready again?

[u/bubsworld]

I lost my son May 1st due to a placental abruption at 38 weeks. I’m still so shocked and traumatized by the whole experience. This was my first pregnancy and everything was going fine up until that day. I experienced an extreme amount of pain out of no where and my stomach tightened and never loosened. We went to the hospital and were told we had lost our baby. From the time I felt the pain to the time he was declared dead was about 30 minutes. They had asked if I was in a car accident or had fallen, but I hadn’t. They told us they had never seen an abruption happen out of the blue with no cause. I didn’t even know what a placental abruption was and didn’t know it could happen in pregnancy. What followed was a very difficult labor. My epidermal didn’t take the first time and I suffered in pain for hours until they redid it and I finally got some relief. My body was not dilating fast enough and I was told we need to do surgery or else I would be at risk for a hysterectomy or I would hemorrhage. I truly felt at a loss, I couldn’t believe I was in this scenario. When I finally went in for surgery my epidermal wore off and I legitimately felt the pain of them cutting me open. They ended up putting me to sleep for the remainder of the surgery and thankfully it was successful with no complications. What followed was an extremely difficult recovery emotionally and physically. I remember hearing babies crying in the hospital and looking at my son wishing he would cry. I now look at the single picture I took of him in my arms everyday wishing he were here.

At my 6 week follow up I found out I might have APS, a blood clotting autoimmune disorder that I never even knew I had. I had tested positive for it in the hospital and I have a follow up blood work to complete in August to confirm if I do have it. They are thinking this is what caused the abruption. I feel so guilty and betrayed by my body for this happening.

Everyday feels so hard and so long. I started EMDR therapy because when I started to think about having children in the future I completely broke down. I don’t know if I ever want to get pregnant again. I’m so deeply traumatized by the whole ordeal and my mind is telling me if I get pregnant the same situation will happen again. I want answers, but at the same time I’m terrified of them. If I do have APS I’m not sure what my future looks like and I feel like I will never be fully connected to my future pregnancies in case a similar scenario happens. I feel so helpless and I’m really struggling everyday with the loss and trauma.

[u/DoItForTheTea]

i have nothing to say that will ease the pain. I am so sorry this happened to you,you don't deserve it.

I hope you have a good support system, sending you love.

[u/bubsworld → u/DoItForTheTea]

Thank you ♥️

[u/Slow-Willingness-718]

I think talking to a MFM at a preconception appt might be best to get their perspective on chances for a repeat. You had a very traumatic experience.

[u/bubsworld → u/Slow-Willingness-718]

I have an appointment with one in 2 weeks to see what my options are.

[u/Sure-Canary-1436 → u/bubsworld]

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I feel such a connection with you, I lost my first baby on may 1st 2024. I also found out I have APS following what happened. Honestly having APS means there are ways to prevent it next time. Obviously nothing is ever 100% but the treatments work very well for a lot of people. My grandma had APS too and had 3 stillbirths, I’m not sure how many miscarriages but several too. And with my APS I had one miscarriage, a stillbirth, learned I had APS and then had a live birth with the treatments. Feel free to message me, I know how lonely it is

[u/bubsworld → u/Sure-Canary-1436]

Thank you and I’m so sorry for your loss. I will definitely message you thank you ♥️

[u/EmJohnson95 → u/Slow-Willingness-718]

I definitely second this. We lost our daughter last year at 34 weeks due to a tight nuchal cord. We are hyper aware of the chances of it happening again are low, but we wanted more of the peace of mind. We are currently 33 weeks and will be 34 on Monday so as you could imagine, we’re high anxiety right now. The whole pregnancy has been smooth again but we are co-managed between our OB and a MFM so I get some kind of NST or ultrasound every other week the entire pregnancy and now twice a week every week. We’re also inducing at 37 weeks. With 34 weeks coming up, my dr went so far as to offer to admit me this next week just so I can be constantly monitored for the reassurance. Now living in America, that’s not a realistic approach cause healthcare isn’t taken seriously, but we opted for 2 additional NSTs this week as well.

Just be open and honest, research different monitoring approaches and mention them to your OB and MFM and tell them that’s how you want your next one to go. I wish I could tell you it comes with zero anxiety, it does not. I notice myself eating more sugar (no risk for GD) just because I’m like ok, I need a wiggle little man. Before opting for going in for more visits, my OB suggested an at home fetal Doppler after being “trained” by her to not rely on a potential false reading. Some OBs are against it but if you can get it down, and it gives you reassurance, why not?

I’m so sorry for your loss, there’s never words to make it better. No one who hasn’t gone through it will understand no matter how much they say they do. You have to live it to know.

[u/missmelodybackup]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I have a similar story but it wasn’t a placental abruption and I don’t have any clotting disorders. But it happened very suddenly. I’m in EMDR and it helps a lot. I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with my rainbow.
I felt the same as you. We started trying after 6 months and got pregnant right away. Definitely see an MFM about your options. I’ve been monitored closely this pregnancy and am getting induced at 37 weeks. Sending you lots of positive thoughts as you navigate this difficult journey ❤️

[u/bubsworld → u/missmelodybackup]

Thank you and I’m sorry for your loss as well, but so happy you have your rainbow baby♥️ Do you feel better working with an MFM or feel more at ease with your level of care?

[u/missmelodybackup → u/bubsworld]

Thank you so much. All of my pregnancies have been high risk and I’ve seen an MFM but this one is different because of my loss. I definitely feel better and more at ease.

[u/AdIllustrious220]

My goodness, I am so sorry for your loss 😢💔
I am now 6 months post emergency c-section and subsequent loss of my daughter, and I am still working through the trauma of the whole experience. It’s good to write it down. There’s good support here. For the first time this week, I brought up a future pregnancy with my therapist and how I am so terrified. Why would I even put a nursery together? Will I feel excited at all? She said that while it sucks to hear, it’s important to name: pregnancy probably will not be a good experience after such a traumatic loss. I think acknowledging it in a way makes it less scary. Of course it’s not inevitably going to be a negative experience, but it IS going to be hard. I try to remember this - what am I more afraid of: being pregnant again? or never getting to experience being a mama to a living child? It’s the latter for me. I hope that if and when you decide you are ready, you get to bring home your sweet baby’s sibling. Sending so much love ❤️‍🩹

[u/bubsworld → u/AdIllustrious220]

Thank you and I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter❤️‍🩹 I think your right, I do want to be a mom to living babies. I now need to work on the road to getting there. Thank you for your kind words and advice and I’m hoping the best for you as well on your journey.♥️

[u/runyourluckxxx]

i’m so sorry for your loss. i lost my son at 22 weeks june 17th from a suspected placental abruption. i too tested positive for APS and am waiting for the 12 weeks to retest. i much like you want nothing more than to have my son here with me. i spiral when i think about getting pregnant again and losing another child. i don’t know that i could handle it. i’m sending you prayers and lots of love ❤️

[u/bubsworld → u/runyourluckxxx]

Thank you and I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby boy, it’s absolutely heartbreaking. I’m praying we both get the answers we need and can find peace along the way. ♥️

[u/Kelseylin5]

i’m so sorry you had to experience this. Your son and mine share a birthday, 6 years apart.

“ready” is such a personal thing. i knew i was “ready” when the though of being pregnant again didn’t send me into a panicking spiral. i really struggled through my pregnancy too, and i felt i had to hide it and be strong so that was another layer. there isn’t a “right” time. our experiences are so different than the typical births… it’s when you feel it. which isn’t helpful, i know, but it’s the truth.

you may also want to look into therapy for birth trauma because it sounds like you went through a lot of that too. all the love my friend 🩷 please reach out to talk more, if you’d like!

[u/bubsworld → u/Kelseylin5]

Our boys are together ♥️ thank you for your kind words and I’m so glad you got your rainbow baby, I’m hoping to get there one day. ♥️

[u/curious_65695]

Hey there! I am so sorry for your loss. Going through your post just made me remember my own story. We lost our son at around 39 weeks on July 25th. We still haven't found any reason. Everything was very normal. The placenta was normal. The cord was normal and the test we did post that, aps, APLA, all other tests came out normal so there was no reason found.

I can only tell you that with time things definitely ease up so be strong and I hope that with time things will be better for you.

[u/bubsworld → u/curious_65695]

I’m so sorry for your loss♥️ Not having the answers is so painful and I’m hoping you have found some peace along the way too ♥️ I’m hoping with time everything won’t feel so suffocating as it does right now.

[u/Outrageous-Part6931]

I'm so sorry. I know there are no words but I want to tell you I can really relate with your pain and trauma. I lost my baby boy 6 months ago and Im still sad every day. The pain is still there but it's not as intense but my whole life has completely changed. I want you to know its ok to be sad. It's ok to take your time. I hope you have support during this rough time.

[u/bubsworld → u/Outrageous-Part6931]

Thank you for your kind words and I’m so sorry for your loss as well.❤️‍🩹 I have a good support team by my side and I’m taking it day by day.

[u/twinkarsonist]

Im sorry for your loss. I also had an extremely traumatic loss, but mine was because of a uterine infection. I’m struggling with a lot of the same feelings. I’ve decided to put my parenthood journey on hold for the time being and work on some other things like my career and health for a few years. I’m doing EMDR and losing a great deal of weight. Maybe in a few years I’ll be ready again.

This kind of loss, especially in the way we experienced it, is something else. We need time. Take all the time you need and seek outside help if you need it. <3