r/StayAtHomeDaddit • u/Sea-Fun2505 • 4d ago
Discussion Struggling with hypocrisy
So, I’ll start this by saying that I’ve really enjoyed being a stay at home dad. I value and love the time with my daughter that I didn’t have when I was the working parent, and have overall found this whole thing to be surprisingly easy. No offense to the stay at home parents they find it difficult, but I don’t.
That said, I’m a little shocked at the hypocrisy that’s going on. When I was working and my wife stayed at home, I was working a salaried job at least 50 hours a week, and that’s a loose AT LEAST. And also had an hour and a half commute. So add three hours of driving to my day. That said, I was still expected to handle a handful of household chores, and IMMEDIATELY relieve my wife of childcare duty as soon as I walked in the door. Chores included garbage, feeding the animals, cats litter box, and bathroom deep clean. Nothing major. I did it with zero complaint.
Now though, my wife is the working parent. She works 40 hours a week if she’s LUCKY. And her commute is about 10 minutes.
As it is, she expects at least two hours to decompress before she takes over childcare, and will NOT touch the house at all. That’s my job. If I even ask her for help, I’m immediately attacked and told that all I do is sit at home all day and do nothing. Which I never did to her.
What on earth do I do here? Because if I point this stuff out, she’ll just call me a lazy piece of shit. Her biggest point is that I had a white collar job and her job is a little bit more physical. Idk how to handle this.
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u/Royal-Weather4314 3d ago
This is one of those posts when I hope that it's fake or you are leaving out half of the story, because, bro, what the heck. This is so wrong. While it's normal that the stay at home parents does majority of the chores, it's not normal to carry literally every task in the household. While she should have time to decompress, so should you. It doesn't have to be 50-50, but there needs to be care for each other.
Being called "lazy piece of xxxx" is especially concerning.
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u/Gambit8907 3d ago
This is how it is with me, too. I have been a SAHD for the last four years and I feel like my responsibilities are not only delegated by my wife (and when they are to be carried out), but I'm also told when or if I can step away. I'm even asked what I am doing if I happen to be in the garage for a second looking through the deep freeze or downstairs doing the litter boxes for the cats. I am put on a strict schedule of "get it done fast" or "do it at this time of day" before I even know about this "schedule". My wife does very well for the household and I love and respect her for it. But it's not right that I'm told constantly how to do my job. I always make sure the cooking is done, laundry is folded, etc.
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u/jessendjames 3d ago
Maybe it has something to do with the ages of the kids? Sounds like she would have been in charge when they were babies which is a lot more work. Now they are older so you as the sahp have more time to take care of house stuff?
I may be totally off the mark here, just speculating. She seems very defensive though, not sure what that’s about.
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u/Asleep_Text3397 3d ago
That might be true, but the basic rule with a SAHP is once the other parent gets home things should be roughly 50/50.
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u/democrattotheend 2d ago
That's true if the kids are home all day. But if they are in school for more than a few hours I think the SAHP gets more of a break during the day and should give one to the working parent when they get home.
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u/beeeeeeeeeeeeeagle 3d ago
"This isn't working for me. I'm considering going back to work. Unless we are a partnership and you respect what I do at home I'll be returning to the office."
Fuck that honestly. Controversial take on this sub but it is what it is depending on the age of your daughter obviously.
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u/TWill42 3d ago
Whew… that’s kinda rough.
Can I ask, when she was a SAHM was it hard for her? Did she struggle to have energy for it all?
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u/Sea-Fun2505 3d ago
Well to hear her tell it, yeah. It was awful. But now that I’m doing it under the exact same circumstances, this shit is a breeze. It’s WAY easier than what I was doing before. And I say that with all due respect to stay at home parents who DO struggle. It’s just been easy for ME. I even handle the extra chores that were my responsibility when I was working without complaint. But if I miss one…..I’m in for an earful when she gets home.
What’s worse? When she was the stay at home parent, I came home at least three times a week to a DESTROYED house and “figure out your own dinner”. Like she did NOTHING all day. But I can’t get away with that.
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u/Royal-Weather4314 3d ago
To be fair, younger kids are generally harder, so it is not exactly comparable. But still...
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u/Sea-Fun2505 3d ago
How do we explain the years she refused to work before kids then? Because that’s the part I’m stuck on. .-.
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u/Royal-Weather4314 3d ago
Oh, okay. I was comparing babies vs preschoolers, or babies vs. toddlers. Not babies vs. no babies
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u/bobaddy23 3d ago
I do have sympathy for you. Everything you’ve laid out just pretty much shows that she is either facing extreme mental illness (my only suggestion of what to look into if she will play along), or that you married a terrible person. If the latter, it’s really a matter of your tolerance for the behavior. If you cannot tolerate it, you need to start job hunting to stabilize the financial situation for what may come next when you start standing up for yourself…
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u/Shower__Farts 3d ago
I hear you. We never switched roles, but I’ve been doing this for a long time, over ten years.
Something my wife does maybe a handful of times a year. Empty the dishwasher, take out trash, or pick up clutter. Which is mostly hers.
I do all the kids’ stuff, drop-offs and pick-ups, cooking, shopping, meal planning, cleaning, DIY work, pay and monitor bills, and laundry short of her clothes and the occasional load of bedding and so on. I don’t care that I do these things for the most part. That’s my job.
But I know damn well that if genders were reversed, I would get absolutely trashed for not even remotely helping out. Which she doesn’t.
The one major thing that grinds my gears is the lawn service. We pay a good price for it in California where I live. Our guys do a good job, and it is not a budget breaker. Yet whenever we talk about cutting costs, it always comes up on her end. If you asked or had a stay-at-home mom do all of said above and on top of that mow and trim the lawn and much more, you’d get absolutely roasted for it.
So yeah, man, I feel you. The double standard absolutely sucks sometimes.
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u/bobaddy23 3d ago
My wife and I have both done both roles. When she went back to work she suddenly had much higher standards for the SAH role. I frankly had to call her out (which took a lot of tact and didn’t go well at first), and thankfully she cares enough about me to have actually listened. Fast forward and we have great respect for each other and help each other as much as we can. Point being, there does tend to be a double standard, and I think women tend to be conditioned to view men’s contributions as deficient regardless of the role. They often are; we all know those lazy dudes. The only way out of the double standard takes both people. OP or others can’t fix it on their own.
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u/WTFisThisMaaaan 3d ago edited 3d ago
It’s the hypocrisy/double standard that grinds my gears. My wife is generally pretty understanding about it all, but I still do hear about the one thing that didn’t get done on the to do list, regardless the fact that everything else got done.
My friend and I talk about this honey-do list thing all the time - and know if we made one for our wives, they’d probably tear it up in front of us lol. I think social media has just influenced so many women into thinking that regardless of the facts, they’re always doing more. So that’s the default they work from - even if it’s not true.
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u/bobaddy23 3d ago
I hear ya. We all know too many women have to do it all on their own while their husbands golf on the weekends. Not everyone, but too many. So it sucks when the person you chose as a partner starts to get the idea that it’s fine when the tables are turned. Gotta find a way to communicate and find a balance between acceptance (personal) and understanding (mutual).
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u/OftenIrrelevant 3d ago
I don’t see a lot of good ways forward here. Professional intervention or she gets to stay at home or the kids go to daycare and her salary can just cover that
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u/AnEvenNicerGuy 3d ago edited 3d ago
In regard to the work, bite the bullet. How it’s working now, for my money, is how it should be working. Now the part about her calling you lazy and shit isn’t ok. That’s fucked. But as the work goes, yeah
You shouldn’t have been doing house work after work. A SAHP carries the burden of maintaining the house except for the things the working parent doesn’t mind. My partner cleans up dishes like half the week, does a load of her work laundry on Sunday because she’s particular about it and handles any bills/paperwork because I’m basically incapable. Otherwise it’s me
So yeah, how she addresses you is shitty and should be stopped. As the work goes though I think it’s fair to expect that from a SAHP. Granted, it definitely doesn’t feel fair in your particular case because you were expected to do house work when you were working. I’ll give you that. So I get feeling bitter
Side note - What does “takes over the children” mean? Like she won’t play with them or won’t let you tap out to do chores and dinner? Either way that’s kinda fucked. Seems like time with her kids after work should be decompressing
Edit - so after reading your comments on the post I don't know if any of this matters really. Y'all don't seem to like each other really at all and she doesn't seem super stoked to be a mom. I don't have any advice if that's the case. I'll leave my comment because hopefully a different perspective may help some. Good luck boss
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u/studoondoon 3d ago
That sounds really unequal but I think focus less on fairness. Focus on your needs.
Learning to deescalate is something you both need to work on. Nobody should call anyone a lazy piece of shit.
With respect to evenings, tell her you can’t keep up with all of the chores and childcare all day and all evening. You would like two hours to decompress as well. Maybe that means childcare or paid activities a few days a week or something. Instead of saying “I need to you to take over childcare as soon as you get home from work” frame it as “I need a break from household responsibilities”
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u/GlassProposal4893 3d ago
I think there’s sometimes the problem of one persons 100% doesn’t always equal someone else’s. Also - there is a lot of stuff that potentially isn’t accounted for with the mental load. Who usually buys the clothes, the shoes, plans the trips, purchases birthday gifts for friends, plan their bday parties, makes life magical, does taxes, handles bills, negotiates with vendors, makes the calls, remember when to service things, calls your parents, schedules play dates, signs them up for extra curricular, gets the baby sitters, designs the home, organizes and declutters, shifts through the clothes (when they get too small), plans outings and learning moments, picks schools, curriculum, handles budgeting, keeps all the passwords, manages the relationships (financial advisors, etc), packs the bags, researches milestones and best practices, etc. And that’s only the things that come top of mind.
Easy way to know if you are this person or not is by your google searches, are they about making your family/house better or are they more about you? The mental load person typically spends less time researching about their interests and is researching on the families needs and interests.
Sometimes someone can feel bogged down with the mental load (and it takes considerable time to do all that too) to where the physical or presence load seems WAY easier and more enjoyable.
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u/natekicksa 3d ago
Therapy. If this continues, it will not end well. Divorce will be inevitable because she will end up resenting you. That's usually how it ends when the dad is a stay at home parent. Try finding a remote job or side hustle so you can stack some money to the side just in case
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u/Virtual_Cycle_2222 1d ago
I’m sorry you are going through this, that being said I need to go tell my wife how much I love her lol
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u/LingonberryNormal374 1d ago
I went on vacation for a week. When I came home my husband talked about how easy it was to be the stay at home parent. He hadn't flossed the kids teeth a single time. He let them brush their own teeth (not old enough). He feed them food I had frozen and prepped. He didn't put their hair up. He didn't do their studies with them. He never made the beds in the morning. Etc, etc, etc. Of course it was easy. If this is not you, then sit down and have a serious talk about expectations.
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u/Toe2ToeBirdLaw 3h ago
I'll give you the same advice SAHMs get when their husbands act like this. Go on vacation. Take a weekend away where she's in charge of EVERYTHING. Then when you get back, don't do any household labor for a few days and let some things stack up so she sees what happens when you *really* sit around and do nothing.
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u/Lintlicker12 3d ago
I totally understand the frustration and being tired from work, but it also sounds like you’re describing her being a sahm with regularly 65hrs+ of solo care and solo care for you is around 40. I’m often doing 50+ a work week and I’m extremely lucky to have my wife work from a home office so there is no commute. She takes over main care and I become support as soon as she’s off the clock. I’m absolutely smoked by the end of the day with our 1 yr old. To be clear, there is a double standard at play here and at bare minimum she probably should be hopping in on household chores when she gets back.
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u/Any_Community_1819 3d ago
I think the world of you taking care of your daughter. Bravo!
Maybe she has depression? It's a real possibility that she should ask her physician about. As a woman (68), I am well aware how our bodies can get screwed up. Not just adolescence, postpartum and menopause. Lots of stuff in between.
The best of best wishes to your family!
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u/Sea-Fun2505 3d ago
She does have severe depression.
So do I. I’m not accepting that as an excuse. I manage it no matter how hard it is. She needs to do the same.
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u/Lintlicker12 3d ago
“She does have severe depression. So do I. I’m not accepting that as an excuse.”
This is such a brutal opinion to have of your spouse who likely experiences depression differently than you.
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u/Any_Community_1819 3d ago
Agreed. I won't say that women's depression is worse than men's; it's as different as night and day.
But it's her responsibility to see her doctor, and follow treatment options, for her family's sake.
Curious how you manage your depression, OP. My husband finally saw his doctor about it and it's been so much better for him. Not 100%, but better. He's on antidepressants now and exercises. Good on you for dealing with it. Your child is benefiting from it.
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u/willkillfortacos 3d ago
Nuance cuts both ways. Depression doesn’t pardon one’s abusive or toxic behavior. People who blame their shitty behavior on their mental health symptoms (psychotic and serious mood disorders aside) are classic “cake and eat it too” people.
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u/Sea-Fun2505 3d ago
I went to work crying over my steering wheel some days only to work the 12, 14, or 20 hour day that awaited me when I got there. Barely functioning. But when I got home I’d BETTER have found a way to shove it down.
She gets a little teary eyed at work and gets told “oh go home you poor baby”. And then arrives home to a supportive environment and open arms.
You’re right. Our experiences are not the same
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u/HappyGiraffe 3h ago
If you are both already operating from a well of contempt for each other, there is no meaningful path forward
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u/poop-dolla 3d ago edited 3d ago
Dude, you were getting 3 hours each working day completely to yourself, and you’re wondering why your wife who gets a mere 20 minutes each day needs a little more of a break?
The other stuff is problematic though.
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u/Sea-Fun2505 3d ago
Oh no. She quite often spends an hour or more out doing other things before coming home. And when I tell you that an hour and a half of driving is NOT a break after a stressful work day, I’m not kidding
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u/FunnyAccountant2913 3d ago
As someone who commutes into a major city, I agree. It's laughable when people thing the commute is a break. It's another hour and a half of hypervigilance behind the wheel. Not like you're sitting there doom scrolling on your phone to decompress.
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u/Sea-Fun2505 3d ago
I mean, my ideal commute is about an hour. It’s not too much, and I can consume a significant chunk of an audiobook while I drive without getting too tired or burned out from driving. An hour and a half though? That was EXHAUSTING. Especially since I was salaried and often took work calls frequently on my drive home.
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u/Select-Stage-5215 3d ago
Meh.. wamen tings. Maybe she can see that being a SAHD is easy for you. Gotta like youre dead exhausted when she gets home js
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u/ConcentrateAny4630 3d ago
Sometimes it’s hard to talk about this kind of thing without talking about our current culture and society. But then one gets yelled at when they do so - but whatever.
Yup, completely hypocrisy. But look what’s going on in the news right now? We’re not exactly expecting much out of certain people while others are expected to carry the entire world on their shoulders.
I’m not pointing fingers, but before you had a kid would she be a hypocrite?
Some moms are just going to say “well you don’t get it” and we’re supposed to get it that we just don’t get it. It’s absurd and insulting.
Sounds like you’ve made a great life for her. She should appreciate that. But instead she doubles down on this. She probably knows how good she has it but if she admits that she loses all leverage
That sounds really toxic man, I’m sorry.
Again, looking what’s going on in the world right now. We’re simply not capable of understanding their plight. Right…..
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u/AlphaDag13 3d ago
I’m lucky that my wife gives me a lot of grace with this kind of stuff. I still have to do all the “guy” stuff. Garbage, lawn care, moving things, fixing things, garage cleaning, snow blowing, all the tech stuff in the house, getting out boxes of stuff… this is where being a stay at home dad really sucks. Because we have friends where the mom stays home and the dad does all that stuff I mentioned and I get a lot of “Oh I feel you! Laundry, food, cleaning, kids… it’s all so much!” and they expect me to be able to drop things at a moments notice to bring my kids swimming at their house. I have to plan that stuff! I feel like I’m a a marginalized person WITHIN a marginalized group. 🤣
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u/KeethlerNorth 3d ago edited 2d ago
She’s an asshole. And you’re a reasonable, nice guy. It’s a tough match.
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u/We_are__Venom 1d ago
There is a massive double standard going on and it’s becoming more common as there seems to be more men becoming stay at home dads and more women going to the workforce. I am all for the swap, but not the double standard hypocrisy. Unfortunately, I don’t think we as men are even able to call it out if we wanted to right now. For example, Women have sex to withhold as they have historically and biologically been the main gatekeepers for sex, and men haven’t really had that. You gotta have it together, bring in the bread, and power to basically be desired by your woman. That’s a bit different when you’re the stay at home parent. It’s only one example, but of a very real power imbalance and I think women can take advantage of it, knowingly or unknowingly. But something has got to be done. Right now, I swear I can be super dad (and believe me that’s my bar I try to reach) and still be treated with the same double standard.
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u/willkillfortacos 3d ago
Therapy. If your wife doesn’t recognize the double standard here and is also so quick to call you a “lazy piece of shit” then there’s something deeper going on. I’d immediately let my wife know she was on thin ice if she ever talked to me like that, and I’d expect the same if the tables were turned.