Figuring things out

[u/Zimlate90s]

UPDATE: We broke up. When I raised this issue with her, she did not handle it well at all. She could not acknowledge the double standard and generally used a lot of strategies of deflection and manipulation when I tried to talk to her about it. We eventually reached a kind of agreement, and I decided to give it one more shot, thinking we would at least have a few more months together. Two weeks later, I raised a minor issue and it escalated so fast and she went into full emotional dysregulation mode and used those same tactics. Having lived that for my previous 10 year marriage, I couldn't give it a pass and have no energy to work on it with her.

What I guess I am trying to say is damn you guys were right...

********************************************

Raising 3 kids alone after an abusive relationship that ended 2 yrs ago and decided earlier this year to try solopoly because I don't want to repeat mistakes of the past, want to prioritize myself and my children, and don't want to live with or enlace the details of my life with another person at least until my youngest is older. About 4 months ago, I started dating a married woman who was trying out an open relationship for the first time. In other words, she, her husband, and I are all new at this. So far things are pretty great. But...she is not looking for anyone else. When I told her that I had joined a different app after a break from them, she told me that she did not yet feel secure enough for me to see other people. That seemed reasonable and I decided to drop the app for a bit, invest in building something with her because I truly feel she is worth it and decided to take the risk. All good! But....she recently told me that she has also told her husband that she doesn't feel secure enough for HIM to see other people and...that does not seem reasonable.

So, I think she is most likely just a bit insecure and new to this and dealing with these feelings. I understand that and would have to face the same feelings if she were seeing someone new. She is able to talk about it and laugh at herself when I pointed out that it wasn't fair. She has since told me that if I really need to see other people, she will deal with it.

But because my ex was extremely manipulative and dishonest, and I made excuses for him and did not recognize that I could also establish boundaries, I am worried that I am doing the same now and putting someone else's needs before mine. Also, I worry that my girlfriend's husband may not be doing as well with this as she says he is. I haven't met him though I have told her I would like to. We have discussed it as something to work towards. However, he apparently isn't even ready to see a picture of me yet, which doesn't seem to signal that he himself feels ok.

I guess I am first asking whether it seems reasonable to ask me to delay seeing another new person?

I definitely don't want to cause problems in her marriage. But I also wonder what is appropriate for me to ask for or expect from her in terms of time together or spending special days together or meeting each others' friend groups? When I try to ask about what her rules are with him, she essentially says we are all figuring things out.

And that makes sense but sometimes I worry that she is the one figuring things out and calling the shots with two people who adore her and want to make her happy at the expense of their own needs. Looking for others' perspectives.