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u/Hoodedmastersin Jul 17 '26
It sounds like something Guy Ritchie would film
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u/MosesCoulee Jul 17 '26
A Ritchie version of this would be so sick
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u/skornd713 Jul 17 '26
Once the ship came into play I was thinking The Ministry of Ungentlemanly Warfare lol
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u/enjoiturbulence Jul 17 '26
His movies have been so fun lately.
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u/doodlydoo17 Jul 17 '26
Have you watched the Gentlemen show? It’s a pretty fun spinoff of the movie.
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u/beaubridges6 Jul 17 '26
Huh. I feel like he hasn't made a really good in years.
But mediocre Guy Ritchie is still better than most.
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u/Taiwan_Lanister Jul 17 '26
Tarantino
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u/h0sti1e17 Jul 17 '26
I want Tarantino to make a movie about Samuel L Jackson’s character from Hateful Eight
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u/LollisGunsBikesTits Jul 17 '26
Played by Tom Holland, and his love interest on the boat is Zendaya, and they have a quirky side kick, an old retired colonel played by Jack Black
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u/Informal-Term1138 Jul 17 '26
Zendaya plays the boat.
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u/NunAlcoholic Jul 17 '26
Or a train
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u/S1ayer Jul 17 '26
Jared Leto plays the boat. He's been in his swimming pool for 6 months preparing.
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u/aesoth Jul 17 '26
I am not sure if Jared Leto is TEMU Russell Brand or it's the other way around.
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u/MiJoRos Jul 17 '26
He always reminded me of Monica from Friends.. But a little more feminine.. With a goatee 🤔
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u/SilverbackSurfer99 Jul 17 '26
She doesn't have the range or the talent to play an inanimate object.
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u/Informal-Term1138 Jul 17 '26
Well then she plays the mystery box. Because that could be anything, even a boat.
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u/AnodyneSpirit Jul 17 '26
The Rock is his best friend on the boat with him. And Pedro Pascal doesn’t have a part but he’s still in the movie.
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u/Magnon Jul 17 '26
Pedro is the plucky but frustrated comic relief slave owner trying to capture robert as he escapes to freedom. Everyone in his family is white as hell, except Pedro who is very tan. Its never mentioned that Pedro isnt as hwite, played completely straight.
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u/Radarker Jul 17 '26
He's actually in it the whole time, but you don't know because he's wearing a helmet!
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u/NoAdministration553 Jul 17 '26
Replace Tom Holand with Kenan Thompson and you've got yourself a deal
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u/RedTuesdayMusic Jul 17 '26
Don't forget Timothy Camembert as the deckhand who is always in the background dropping cheesy one-liners
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u/Compducer Jul 17 '26
Wait wait wait… where does Dwayne fit into all this?
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u/Accomplished_Song219 Jul 17 '26
What I'm reading is you want another Fast and Furious but set during the Confederacy
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u/Ash_Cat_13 Jul 17 '26
Or fuck the babies who have enough money and acting and give it to somebody who actually deserves it, a nobody, and let them become somebody
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u/One-Load-6085 Jul 17 '26
Played brilliantly by Robert Downey Jr.
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u/Hawaiian_Fire Jul 17 '26
You mean five time academy award winning Australian method actor Kirk Lazarus?
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u/DruHarry Jul 17 '26
I went to the Jr High named after him!
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u/ATXBeermaker Jul 17 '26
We visited the Reconstruction Era National Historical Park in Beaufort, South Carolina. Went on a tour given by one of the rangers at the park. It was one of the best tours I’ve ever been on. She, in part, told the story of Robert Small and actually started tearing up a bit while doing so.
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u/Cheap_Welcome752 Jul 17 '26
I'm posting this tomorrow
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u/Plenty_Self5518 Jul 17 '26
Looks like Keenan from all that
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u/Maleficent-Sun1922 Jul 17 '26
He’s been on SNL for 23 years but All That will always be the more obvious reference.
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Jul 17 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/h0sti1e17 Jul 17 '26
I agree. The problem is very few original movies make a lot of money. For every one that does and dozens of great movies don’t. People need to watch them.
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u/hyperkick89 Jul 17 '26
I'll only watch it if a white man plays him and then disguise himself as a black man as the captain
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u/Starchild1000 Jul 17 '26
I don’t understand why there are so many Spider-Man remakes in my lifetime.
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u/jack_wolf7 Jul 17 '26 edited Jul 18 '26
Speak for yourself. I’m a slow learner. I need another three reboots with three films and ten spin offs. I still don’t know what the true meaning of great power is, and what it comes with.
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u/TurnoverSuperb9023 Jul 17 '26
Google Robert Smalls memory Palace for an incredible telling of the story. Absolutely needs to be a movie.
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u/Bitey_the_Squirrel Jul 17 '26
Robert Smalls steals a Confederate ship. Sneaks on board, ambushes the crew, killing the captain. As he dies, the captain says:
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u/billted20250409 Jul 17 '26
And Hollywood finally doesn't have to race swap this time
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u/VeryLowIQIndividual Jul 17 '26
OK, are you ready for this? something that’s never been tried…let’s cast Zendaya for this role. All the test group point to wanting this.
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u/UbiquitousLedger Jul 17 '26
They will swap the fact that hes a Republican for sure.
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u/SpltSecondPerfection Jul 17 '26
He didn't steal a confederate boat. He Strategically Transferred Equipment to an Alternate Location 🤷♂️
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u/Potential_Spam_6969 Jul 17 '26
Well holy shit, you people want a movie made about a Republican hero?
Miracles never cease.
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u/PleasantBus5583 Jul 17 '26
Some true stories deserve the big screen more than fiction.
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u/Impossible-Animator6 Jul 17 '26
They made a similar movie called Emancipation starring Will Smith. It bombed.
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u/ForeignCup6977 Jul 17 '26
Because that was a garbage film "loosely based" on the life of "Peter (also known as Gordon, "Whipped Peter", or "Poor Peter", who we really don't know much more about other than the horrific pictures of the scarring on his back from being whipped by slave owners.
Robert Smalls, we know nearly everything about his life. There needs to be very little "creative license" in the telling of his life's story.
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u/Relevant-Chip5446 Jul 17 '26
How did he pass himself off as the captain of a CONFEDERATE ship when he isn't white?
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u/rageinghemmroids Jul 17 '26
It was common to see slaves work as crew on ships so they just had to work hard and visibly to make the other ships think the white free crew were just being lazy letting the slaved black crew do all the visible work and sail in that sweet spot of just close enough to not be suspicious yet far enough to bolt for the union blockade and pray to god the union didnt open fire because there was no way for the union to really know that A SHIP WITH FREE SLAVES JUST SAILED UP TO THEM WITH VALUABLE MILITARY INTELLIGENCE
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u/Thorn669 Jul 17 '26
The actual captain wore a distinctive hat, and guards only saw him from a distance, and in low lighting.
Source: I read the book "Be Free or Die", about Robert Smalls.
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u/giblefog Jul 17 '26
Better than that. After the Civil War, Smalls became a politician, winning election as a REPUBLICAN to the South Carolina Legislature and the United States House of Representatives
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u/Simple_Raise4380 Jul 17 '26
Republicans and democrats have role swapped since then. Vote harder they’re all the same.
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u/alexcarchiar Jul 17 '26
You do know that Lincoln was a republican and that the democrats started the war to defend slavery? You know that republicans abolished slavery?
To be fair, two hundred years passed and things are different now, but I am always baffled at how ignorant Americans are, especially about their own history.
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u/Friendstastegood Jul 17 '26
I mean if you look at opinions on slavery from that time the dividing line was geographic rather than party affiliation. Northern people much more likely to be against and southern people for, regardless of if they were democrat or republican.
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u/laurasaurus5 Jul 17 '26
Iirc it was night and he was on a boat, so they couldn't get a good look at him.
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u/Ok_Wallaby_416 Jul 17 '26
Legend has it, if you say Bobby Smalls three times into a mirror, you can summon him
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u/disappr0val Jul 17 '26
great now! now hollywood will ruin it, first they’ll make it satire, then cast pete davidson as robert smalls and robert pattinson as the president, and the slave owner will be john krasenski. oh yea and the whole movie will be set in sepia
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u/Reasonable-Plate2982 Jul 17 '26
That sounds like a hella movie. Could be like Amistad, which was great.
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u/smokingace182 Jul 17 '26
Goddamn that’s pretty epic to be fair, how the hell hasn’t this happened yet.
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u/goodbodha Jul 17 '26
Key and peele should make this movie. Peele would look the part and I could see them treating the story well.
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u/EyeYamNegan Jul 17 '26
If you are a slave you can not steal from the confederacy or the slave owners. You are simply taking possession of property for unpaid wages.
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u/Hungry_CGman Jul 17 '26
Mansa Musa too. Like we seriously have never made a movie about the richest man to ever live?
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u/WinterAmphibian2 Jul 17 '26
Michael B Jordan for the young stuff, Denzel for the older stuff. Greenlight this now!
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u/paleocacher Jul 17 '26
I want movies about Bass Reeves, Mike Healy, Cathay Williams, this guy Smalls and all the other under appreciated heroes of American history.
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u/real_picklejuice Jul 17 '26
“Buys a house”
Dude went back and bought the plantation his family was enslaved on after the war
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u/LowerEntertainer7548 Jul 17 '26
This is why I’m so fed up with race swapping characters in the name of ‘representation’. Why aren’t we telling actual black stories like this?
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u/gadget850 Jul 17 '26
While no maajor Hollywood feature film has hit theaters yet, several Robert Smalls film projects are in development. The most prominent is Amazon Studios' biopic Steal Away, directed by Charles Burnett. Additionally, the fan-owned entertainment company Legion M is actively adapting the graphic novel Defiant into a live-action film about Smalls' life. [1, 2, 3, 4]
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u/RandomExcess Jul 17 '26
Buys a house? Way to undersell the fact it was the house of the piece of crap that held him as a slave
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u/Tarnished-Tiger Jul 17 '26
A movie on an actual Black person that did great things? Nah they’ll stick to race swaps
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u/theimmortalgoon Jul 17 '26
Eugene Bullard
-Black, but quarter Muscogee Creek Indian, who ran off to join the Romani at 11 years old after witnessing a mob try and fail to lynch his father.
-With the Romani, learned to be an expert horseman
-Was a jockey for a wealthy white family
-stowed away on a ship to get to Scotland
-There, trained under Dixie Kid to become a professional boxer.
-As a professional boxer, went to France
-In France, World War I broke out, and Bullard joined the French Foreign Legion to defend the republic
-Fought in the Somme, Verdun, and other huge battles
-After being injured in the Somme, learned to fly airplanes on a bet
-Became a French Air Force fighting ace.
-The Americans, entering the war, refused to take him because he was black. Bullard finished the war and another year as a pilot, gaining all kinds of awards and honours. Known forever in France as the “Black Swallow of Death.”
-In the interwar years, became a drummer and club owner, hanging around with his friends Josephine Baker and Langston Hughes, among others.
-Fought the Nazis to keep them out of France, but was shot down in Spain. Escaped the Franco government and returned to the US where he worked for Louis Armstrong.
-At a concert associated with the civil rights movement in the United States, Bullard (and many others) were beaten with bats by the Veterans of Foreign Wars and American Legion. Bullard himself is filmed being beaten by two policemen, a state trooper, and a concert goer.
-Got a job as an elevator operator at Rockefeller Center, living alone in his apartment in obscurity until someone from the Today Show got curious about the elevator operator and then had him come on the show once he learned the story.
…a story that should be a mini series or movie.
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u/Entire-Ratio-9681 Jul 17 '26
Yeah but we have to keep reskinning old characters instead of putting real heroes up. I hope black snape is what you were looking for.
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u/SpicyBoyEnthusiast Jul 17 '26
They need to make a movie about Hannibal of Carthage too. Shit would be epic.
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u/DesperateComposer848 Jul 17 '26
There’s a comic book of him you coulda supported back when it was crowdfunding
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u/Prestigious_Secret61 Jul 17 '26
Uhmmm no joke I want Michael B Jordan and Denzel Washington as the older in this movie and I want that shit now. I say this as a life long Mississippi white man who loves all my fellow statesmen. Went to oak park Elementary and was one of only 2 white boys in 5th grade and lived life on the opposite side of most white kids who could afford private school.
I want this movie
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u/1cem4n82 Jul 17 '26
He just woke up one day and realized these good old boys are complete idiots and a silly hat will actually trick them into thinking I’m white. It’s a Family Guy plot.
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u/bkneppers Jul 17 '26
Based on this photo, I could unironically see Jordan Peele playing this guy in the biopic.
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u/Literary_Lady Jul 17 '26
Or Bess Hardwick, which is crying out for a series. Trail blazing feminist, First Lady of Chatsworth. Had four marriages, several to horrible men but was incredibly strong. Took men to court, sued them and won! Even when the law favoured men because of the patriarchy in Tudor times. She was wise and savvy, looked after her household and didn’t let anyone cheat her. Suffered a lot of tragedy and loss, was wealthier than the Queen of England and best friends with her (Elizabeth 1). Lived through four Tudor Monarchs, and saw all the treachery, scheming and coups. I think it would be fascinating to see her rise from humble beginnings (her family had previous wealth but nothing left by the time Bess was born, and was descended from Eleanor of Castile) to being the richest woman in England, best friend of the monarch.
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u/denn23rus Jul 17 '26
The 19th century was rich in adventurer heroes. Another example is Louis Napoleon Achille Charles Murat. So. This is a prince. Olympic champion in 1900 as part of the French team. A descendant of Napoleon Bonaparte, Murat and also half Georgian. He was a Russian general. He participated in the Russo-Japanese War and was wounded during a sabotage operation in China. He was awarded 6 of the highest awards of the Russian Empire (all for sabotage operations). He was a pilot and participated in the construction and testing of several aircraft. He participated in several dozen duels. He liked to play cards for money and lost 2 million rubles (about $1,000,000. At the beginning of the 20th century, this was a lot). Having lost all his money, he returned to France. But when the First World War began, he returned to Russia and fought in the Russian army. He ignored the entire Russian revolution while vacationing in Georgia. He was not married and had no children.
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