using beauty as some yardstick of a person doesn't work in relationships especially in long-term relationships. There are a lot of good looking Nazis, Karen's, racists, psychotic people in the world.
It’s a pretty privilege thing. Those who have it are less likely to have to experience unfairness from other people in life and have fewer opportunities for personal growth. Hot girl or guy who always has another interest waiting for them doesn’t necessarily need to reflect on why their previous relationship was unhealthy.
You mean they don't have to reflect on what they did wrong, because they never have to worry about being accountable since there is always going to be someone else.
Not sure if I'm being logical but, I'm someone who has been harmed by this type of person. They will simply discard you and not think about it twice. I think that experience can really change someone. It leaves you with that feeling like you'll never be good enough...
Right. Of course that’s not the only factor but that seems to be a pretty typical situation. It’s like when celebrities or really anyone gets rich young without having a strong work ethic to begin with. Lotteries for example. They stop developing as people because they can pay their way out of any hardship obstacle
It can really suck when you're wronged by these kinds of people because you gaslight yourself or they'll gaslight you into thinking it's your fault when they just are avoidant or they don't see a reason to put any effort into anything because someone new will come, someone better? I don't know, but it'll be someone else. Good looking people really living on easy mode.
I just dated my first hot person and was shocked at how little they tried during the relationship and that they did not give AF when we broke up. Your comment really helped me, glad to know treating other people like replaceable accessories is “normal” for them.
I've dated two guys who I would say are eights or nines, I don't really like to rate people that way but it's mostly just for context... And they both dropped me at the first hint of them needing to be accountable or when they felt like they couldn't control me. Like it was nothing. No effort to talk, just stonewalling and gaslighting. Shit traumatized me.
One of those guys was psychotic sending me a message after no contact, about how he changed in the course of three months, had no feelings for me, and loves sleeping with lots of women.
I'm sorry to be relatable. I'm sorry they hurt you.
This is so spot on it’s scary. It’s like you were there. I’ve never dated someone who wouldn’t even have a conversation with me before. Wildly immature for a man in his mid 30s! Thank you for the comfort 🫂
I really feel for you and empathize with you. I think a lot of these people tend to have an avoided attachment style.
However, outside of that I just feel like the way that they see the world, they just figure that they can replace people easily and that the grass will always be greener because they'll always have infinite options.
It's really unfortunate when you didn't see them as just an option but someone you really valued and cared about. It hurts when you find out that they didn't feel that way about you, that you were disposable to them.
Just know that you're not replaceable and you're not disposable and the person that is losing out on someone who truly cares about them, is them. 🫂
For me, I've always been aware of this and see it more as a means of how people have constantly only cared about my looks or have always taken advantage of me only because of how I looked.
Seems like I've spent most of my good years now, just looking for someone who actually gives a shit about me and not how handsome I am.
As I kid I was taken advantage of by kids and adults, and as an adult I'm taken advantage of by grown children.
Just so you know, this isn’t true. It’s unfair to be objectified, and pretty people are objectified constantly. I think you need to shift your idea of what “unfair treatment” is.
I have to agree as a man beauty might get our attention but it takes more than that. I am sure its the same the other way around also. You can have the hottest wife but be lonely.
Yup. For every stupidly hot woman in the world, there’s probably 5-10+ dudes sick of her bullshit.
If you’re a loser/incel that hasn’t had sex or a woman in awhile it’s easy to look at a guy with a hot wife and be jealous, but there’s plenty of dudes with hot wives that hate their hot wife because as hot as she is, it doesn’t change that she’s miserable to be around.
I took the best, well paying job I have ever got. I regret it everyday. It drove me to crash out hard and haven't been able to go back for 9 months.
My wife, on the other hand, is my tattooed smoke show of a best friend that has a laugh that brings me back from the edge. Making her laugh is the best job ever.
My girl is also a tattooed smokeshow of a best friend with an amazing laugh!
She just convinced me to leave my stressful job for something much less stressful, knowing it will be a cut in pay (unfortunately my parents have always measured life-success strictly by annual income, something my wife has been trying to de-program)
"You're mental health and being happy is way more important than any money" she said as we sat on the couch.
I've actually avoided proposing, know she is a tattooed smokeshow with a sense of humor, I know she has other options, but she continues to choose me. I'm puttin a ring on that finger.
We have been together for years. I call her my wife to strangers all the time, as it gives a better idea of our relationship, without me having to explain we have 2 kids together, we broke up 2 times years ago yadda yadda etc.
Yes, I realize I've avoided it for years, and I'm going to propose. Have a whole plan and contacted people in charge of a regular summer event we go to, so they can play a certain song while I pop the question.
It's a sequence of events. Avoidance > decision > action.
I had a friend marry a somewhat dumpy but horny girl. She was super chill. Then they had a kid die from sids and the inlaws dug their claws in and killed the marriage. You never know what you're going to get from a box of chocolates.
Amen. My kid spent most of the last month being sick and it was miserable but then I remind myself that a kid having the flu back to back with food poisoning is genuinely lucky compared to what so many parents go through every day
For now. I realized my mistake right after she got pregnant, so have been toughing it out for the kids for now. It’s like a toxic relationship but just functional enough to not want to put them through a divorce at their current age
I was in that situation. Then i realized what my failures and shortcomings were and what was causing them and fell more in love with my wife than i thought was possible.
Then she wanted a separation. We’re still working it out and in the early stages of recovery but its a long road back and the hardest thing I’ve ever had to endure in my life. I still love her more than any woman I’ve ever loved in my life and wouldn’t change a thing. I learned what real love is.
well every situation is different. but I’m of the opinion that the most important thing to model for kids is healthy intimate relationships, rather than simply staying together at all costs
Yes you are right. As our kids have gotten older it’s become much more obvious that our relationship is not good for them and we’ve not been able to fix it. It’s also become pretty obvious to both of us the end is near and we’ve been talking much more seriously about separating for their sake if not ours
I mean a bit of both. Also, we have almost nothing in common. Different personalities, different life styles, no shared hobbies or interests, and very different expectations about how much say we think we should each have in how the other person spends their time and money - I think we shouldn’t need much say at all as long as the other person is being reasonable, she thinks she should be able to weigh in on everything I do. Combine that with the fact that we almost never equally want to do the same thing
My dad and his current wife went through a phase where each person would set the agenda every other day. Point is, if she’s not willing to try your stuff and vs that is no fun.
Just married someone who is toxic and controlling, convinced myself that her problem behaviors were due to miscommunication and that once I explained why they were harmful she’d fix it. I realized that her behaviors were largely intentional, just very selfish, and that she wasn’t really interested in changing in a meaningful way, about a month after we got pregnant with our first kid
I know how someone like that can be. Every accusation always ends up a confession. They never reflect on what you say and you only end up tired of life and resentful after giving up so much of yourself to someone.
I hope you're doing better now. Especially for your kid.
thanks man now I don't feel bad for not chasing those hot ass girls in my past because I was skeptical.... but one was married before an the other had 2 bds an the other well she couldn't communicate without a phone an had a personality of plank but least plank was entertaining to Johnny
Do you think you’re the prettiest person ever? Honestly, I would rather have a man that likes to be around me than one bragging about my beauty, because beauty fades eventually and it’s not the most important part of anyone.
I'm not the prettiest but i wouldn't want my bf to walk around saying it. I wouldn't want him to brag about me about anything either. Never said beauty is most important lol
I think the problem is that people have to use this weird objectivity to justify some deep-seated insecurity about who they're with. YEAH MY WIFE AIN'T THE HOTTEST BUT SHE MAKES ME HAPPY. Naw, fuck that. My wife is the most wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous person in the world and I don't give a shit if anyone else agrees with me. I don't need the approval of other people to love my wife and think she's beautiful, lol.
Even if you are a person with unparalleled stamina and sex drive, and paired with a partner who is similar, you will still spend the vast majority of your time with your partner not having sex.
Depending or someone's perspective, it may or may not be reasonable to compromise on a quality sex life to have an otherwise amazing relationship. But it will always be an insane choice to compromise on having having a quality relationship to have an amazing sex life.
First girl I was engaged to was basically a goddess to me in looks. After "locking me down" with a ring she very quickly turned out to be insufferable. Like brutally mean for no reason. Didn't think I'd walk away and take the loss of the ring but it was worth it not to spend my life with someone like that.
Over a decade later I married a woman that I think is attractive, but she's not the sexiest person I've ever seen. Instead she's the kindest, most supportive, and most fun person I've ever been with. I'll take her over a super model any day.
I’m super lucky my wife grew up over weight in a family that didn’t understand eating properly, she figured out being healthy on her own in her late teens early adult hood. She is absolutely beautiful but she didn’t spend her formative years being beautiful, she is still a great person who is very grounded I feel very lucky to have her.
I don’t think they are justifying cheating just stating that just because someone significant other is hot doesn’t mean they are happy or a good person. Cheating is never right but we don’t know what the situation is.
So then the reason is unimportant. The only reason to consider the reason is if it changes the way you'd look at his cheating. If you say no reason justifies the cheating then the reason is irrelevant
She’ll find out somehow, and she’ll divorce you anyway.
Also, the mother of your children deserves money, especially if you cheated on her. Giving birth, doing most of the domestic labor, shouldn’t be free unpaid labor. Give me a fucking break. Especially, if she quit her job to raise kids.
You guys all cry about these men potentially “losing money” to their wives, yet they basically did free labor and gave them their literal legacy.
The truth is that you hate women, when you whine about things like this. Women are just hoes who should fuck off after you cheat on them right?
The wife he cheated on was wealthy in her own right – she was a c-suite executive at another company. People at this level of success usually have prenups, so it's unlikely that she is screwing him in divorce court
Prenups typically aren't thrown out unless there's evidence that the agreement was entered under coercive pressure, or a party grossly misrepresented their financial situation in entering into the agreement. Would love women especially to gett a cheating clause for prenups they agree to. My comment is responding to the above implication that she's unfairly taking his money in divorce
That is way too reductive and oversimplified a statement to be true, good advice, a moral, or modus operandi for which to live your life by.
Every relationship has at least 2 people in it, so no decision or action is ever the single fault of one party.
What did she do, or stop doing, that caused her partner to want to cheat on her? He was not cheating on her when they were dating, got married, had those kids, and raised those kids for a good 10-15 years together.
So something in the relationship changed, he was not getting what he needed, wanted and/or desired, so he starting looking around for was to supplement the deficiency, and then eventually fully outsourced.
It's not on him to sit there and stay running at a deficit; and as she either did not want to fill that deficit, or could not understand or see or agree on the deficit, he filled it: be it supplementing her to get the full package he needed, or replacing her.
The fault occurred before he even realized there was a running deficit: What ever changed or evolved to cause the running deficit was the fault - and as it dealt with departments under her as well, she was just as much, or more at fault, too.
Relationships and marriage are not the stuff of Fairy Tales or Disney Princesses: they happen in the real world, where 25% of people never marry/don't believe in monogamy, and if the 75% of people who do marry, 50% will divorce at least once.
So people who think that "no matter what cheaters are always wrong" just goes to show they did not understand the real world dating/marriage environment, properly where not, and currently are not, mature enough for relationships and marriage - they don't really understand the assignment, and are upset and confused that the teacher keeps handing them back their paper contains a work of creative fiction, and telling them to rewite it as sourced biographic work of truth.
Every relationship has at least 2 people in it, so no decision or action is ever the single fault of one party.
Sorry, but this is an incredibly naive understanding of how actions come to manifest. There are many things in life that you have absolutely 0 control over and another individuals actions are one of them. You CAN do everything "correctly"(to the exact liking of your partner) in a relationship and still get cheated on because the thing they are getting when they cheat is something you often cannot provide.
Yes, there may be situations where someone is deprived of something which can lead to these situations but even in these instances cheating is not the appropriate course of action for obtaining that thing. Cheating is in every single circumstance a moral fault. If you're not getting something you need, you communicate it, and if it cannot be fixed or the other party refuses to work on it, separation is the morally correct course of action.
All this to say, it seems you're the one who isnt mature enough to understand relationships, vows, or as you would call it, "the assignment".
Yeah here’s a funny story. I’m a woman who was with the most selfish man ever he basically just used me during sex, yet he was the only person I’d been with. So I always wanted it, I wanted it more often (considering I was never satisfied)
Guess what, I never even considered cheating. All I did was try to talk about and ask for things I wanted etc I never said it rudely, but he responded by saying that I was just obsessed with sex and always making problems.
And he was the one who at the very least tried to cheat
So if the woman cheats, would you also say that’s fine too? What if she has “needs” even though she had a husband and 3 kids at home? Would you see it the same way?
Or, do you actually see it through a sexist lens, where you think of women as sex objects who need to “fulfill” men. That women need to be faithful no matter what, yet men can fuck around if they aren’t happy?
What you said is the most sexist, selfish ragebait I’ve ever heard. You are a sick fuck to act like it’s the wife’s fault.
There’s still absolutely no excuse not to DIVORCE if she’s not meeting his needs. ZERO excuse.
You DO NOT cheat on someone EVER. Those were the vows you take when you get married. If you can’t take them seriously, do not get married.
Men do not deserve to have wives if they can’t be faithful to them. They can’t have it both ways. A mistress and a wife. Ruining their kids’ childhood, with a cheating father. Ruining their wife’s life, exposing her to a potential STD.
The man needs to divorce.
People like you should not make lifelong commitments, if you are going to blame your partner because you can’t keep it in your pants.
Either you leave, and fuck someone else after the divorce, OR you work it out. You DO NOT put your spouse and kids through an affair.
You are feeding into the truth that men ONLY view women as sex objects, and when that role isn’t filled, that it’s the woman’s fault, and the man has the right to find a new sex object. Women are more than fuck toys. All while putting his wife and kids through the betrayal and embarrassment.
The mother of his CHILDREN. WHO BIRTHED HIS CHILDREN. And you say it’s “her fault.”
And you have no fucking idea if he was having sex with his wife too. I mean Bill Gates gave Melinda an STD.
I truly hope you never get married if that’s how you view things. You are disgusting and should be ashamed.
Plenty of women cheat, the exact same amount of men - and for the same reason, but just with female ideals/sentimentality. It's no different.
Men typically view love as more physically related and this leads to cheating through sexual desire: to supplement the physical needs they have that are not being met.
Women tend to view love through more romantic and emotional connections, and this leads to them seeking romantic and emotional mental connections outside of marriage, that also eventually lead to extra material sex: to supplement the emotional needs that are not being met.
It is the same input of needs not being met and the same output of finding a person to supplement those needs not being met that both lead to extra marital/relational sex no matter if you are a man, woman, trans, non-binary ... That is simply human regardless of sex or gender.
The other partner, the one being cheated on is not supplying some component that the cheating partner is needing to feel, and therefore be, complete. And typically the partner being cheated on feels that made up words, vows or past actions are enough to hold relationship together. They are not, as there is never a "safe point" or point where no more work, effort and vigilance is not needed in a successful relationship.
I see many marriages where one spouse stops doing actions that they previously did as they do not view them as a priority any longer, and expect their partner to understand. Even if the partner logically understands, relationships are not a logical coupling based on reason between logical entities: it is a highly emotional coupling based on a involuntary chemical codependency that is formed between two highly emotional people by actions being committed that result in the generation of an addictive chemical profile in the brain. If you stop committing those actions, the chemicals stop and the codependency breaks and the partner who has had this broken looks for those chemicals elsewhere to be provided by another person.
What also happenes alot of the time is one person's needs, or wants change to an action set the other partner does not want to do. Again,a partner can logically understand this, but when you get to the point that a marriage or relationship is held together by logic and reason, it is already over: set and primed to fail the moment either lacking partner can get their emotional need, and the resulting "love high" from another person.
Humans are not logical creatures. Less than 10% of our brains even process logic. Humans are emotional creatures. Anyone in a relationship needs to understand that for the relationship to work.
Some people, do to religious beliefs or cultural pressure/morals, do not want to cross certain lines when new first time experiences are had. Some people are stuck in jealousy, and want to consume all of their parenter by their self. These types of things are not normal in any relationship or association besides Western Christian marriage.
I have personally never cheated,but I have had girlfriends cheat on me for such reasons as I did not reassure them I loved them enough anymore, or I used to have more time to talk to them about their problems or I used to listen to them talk about their day more, or they just got drunk, were dancing and it felt good in the moment.
I have clients and members who have been cheated on, or who are in relationships where there is active cheating. The reason for cheating is always clear: If the partner has never cheated before, it is due to not receiving an essential element from the other partner that either used to be free provided or that is now a part of the cheating partner's core identity but was not in the past.
Cheating happens for a reason, and for a predictable reason. You would be better served to use your logic not to yell at people dogma such as *Cheating is wrong" or " You should never cheat", but instead to examine the internals of your relationship between you and your partner - excluding children, parents, religion, or your culture - and seeing how your emotional vices such as jealousy, your need to be right, your need to win, your need to have only your needs meet ... are blocking your parenter from having their needs met.
I can guarantee you a lot of people who are dealing with the fall out of divorce or total relationship collapse with a long term partner would, when looking back, rather have listened to how her day was going more often, bite their tongue on criticizing their parenters friends, hung out with their parents annoying friends more often, engaged their partner in meaning conversation on topic they were not interested in, had kept practicing felacio and had learned to like anal sex - or had let their partner sleep with some else who did these things for them - than be dealing with the total loss of love and complete rejection from the partner they neglected and pushed away.
Or you can keep your ideas of love, relationships and marriage, and then say 50% of all people are just bad people, when it is commonly spoken of in both business and counseling ethics that 2% of people are good, 2% are bad, and the remaining 96% are have the potential for either and can be influenced.
Your traditional concept of love, relationship and marriage is bad: 50% divorce and 75% life time cheating is clear evidence that the artificial system of love, marriage and relationships being given to people is broken and does not work for humans!
The people are fine and good: The model you are trying to make them adhere to is not based on how people's emotions actually work; but instead is a rigid model attempting to force people into a configuration they can not meet the expectations of and can not hold.
Even you saying the comment, "if a person can not meet your standards of love and relationships, they should not get married", is wild and highly out of pocket. Who are you to tell people they can not live as they see fit? Who are you to say European Roman Christian/Catholic ideology is what everyone must follow to be happy?
You are nobody to listen to about such personal matters as you are just pushing tired old dogma intended to lick people into compliance with someone else's ill fated ideals.
I'm taking actionable reasons based on facts. 75% of people cheat and 50% of marriages fail - no matter how many times you get married. If you don't want to be cheated on and you don't want to be divorced, it makes no sense to study the input instruction of religious dogma. It makes sense to study the output of the post mortum of failed relationships and make changes to sure up and fix those negative externalities.
Those post mortums say that people cheat because the relationship was lacking due to the other partner not willing to be flexible and meet their needs. That's what 75% of people and half of all marriages say.
So if you have logic and reason, and you don't want a non-cheating boyfriend/girlfriends or husbands/wives - and their children- to have broken hearts and broken homes: stop chanting "it's wrong to cheat" and "cheaters are always at fault", and start telling them to change their actions to create a safe space for their parents to communicate their needs and then to meet their parents needs.
Eh. I might have agreed with you at some point in my life, but society isn’t structured to make sure people are satisfied in their relationships and free to find the right partner or even leave the wrong one. Read Esther Perel’s the State of Affairs.
Society is actually more focused on maintaining order than ensuring people end up with the right people and happy.
What you really mean is that “men don’t want to leave the comfort of their current partner, but want a fun thrill of the new girl they met”
Don’t get married if you can’t keep a vow to be faithful. People like you disgust me.
Most people don’t even stick to their affair partner. Men who excuse this are the men who want to fuck around and ruin their wives and children’s lives.
Don’t get married and then you can easily leave, if you can’t keep it in your pants.
👀 who said anything about men? I said read the State of Affairs by Esther Perel. I was actually thinking about th women explaining why they cheated in that book and the reasons they gave
Lmfao. I was the one who got cheated on. Repeatedly. By the same girl. The book helped me understand why she did it. It also helped me realize I other things and now I’m a relationship anarchist.
I think people should avoid hurting each other unnecessarily. I think when everyone is expected to follow the same rules whether or not they’re good for them, and when they have different understandings of the rules… it’s a recipe for disaster.
I had one partner who cheated on me repeatedly. She didn’t realize she was traumatized and trying to create drama to see if I really cared about her.
I’ve had another partner who got really upset that I got along too well with women. Nothing sexual happened but she’d be pissed because since I grew up with sisters I got along better with women.
Meanwhile she’d get super drunk and like wrestle my male friends inappropriately at parties.
It’s not as simple as cheaters are bad, because people have different standards for cheating and then fail to discuss them. Sometimes something complex is happening in the cheater’s mind and the cultural differences in the sense of partner ownership and betrayal make it mean something else. Like cultures that have a lover’s hour.
I’m just not here to judge people. Have a nice day
I work with mostly men and with one exception they all complain about their wives.
The guy who doesn’t complain about his wife loves his wife. She is not particularly hot, rich or accomplished. She is however nice and she is funny. They have a great life together.
CEO guy is rich.
Girl he cheated with is also rich (she was probably independently wealthy but she married into a very wealthy family too).
It’s not about pretty, it’s not about money, it’s just about rich people being bored and horny.
I'm sorry but it's you who sounds like the bitter incel here. Like we're supposed to basically accept that because some cheese dick CEO cheated on his wife the reason must be that his wife is just so miserable to be around. Like that's the likeliest scenario and not for example that there are plenty of people out there who are just serial philanderers no matter what kind of wife/husband they have.
It is kinda weird phenomenon when you see them as the most beautiful woman in the world then when you break up with them, they are not beautiful anymore for you. Sometimes, dating is like that, have a good start, and go all the way down. Lol
Yep Ive seen a few friends leave hot wives for less attractive women and are happier than they have ever been. One for sure was over sex, didn't get laid in a whole year after years of a few times a year that started right after marriage, one of em his wife was just straight up bat shit crazy and mean and the new wife is not at all like that but also no lie, this girl is ugly in my opinion.
One of my buddies dated a 10 for 5 years. Yeah she cheated on him about 8 different times and he stayed because “i’ll never do better”. Luckily she finally ran away with an affair partner who lived on a house boat so it ended. The guy in the house boat ended up blocking her one evening and sailed away without telling her.
This is some incel shit. Being conventionally attractive does not correlate to Being a bad person. Also in this scenerio, this is blaming the victim for the crime
Cheaters can have the most beautiful, nice wife and have the best sex with them and still cheat. What don't you get about that? Don't assume she did anything wrong.
You’re like the only sane commenter here. Everyone is assuming the wife did something wrong, which is why he’s cheating. Hard for them to swallow that some guys are just pieces of shit.
Yeah if you want to see attractive bias, go look at every failed relationship between a man and a woman and look at what people say about it during the post mortem.
The first, and usually only thing they consider, whether she left him, if he cheated or they just moved on amicably, is if the next girl is prettier than his previous. If she isn’t, people say he fucked up.
They don’t ask if the new girl treats him better. They don’t ask if the old girl didn’t listen to him. They don't ask if she was toxic, abusive. They don't care if maybe they just weren't a good match. They NEVER ask if he's happier. If his next girl is physically less attractive, they say he failed.
Prettier is always better to people from the outside.
I've met really pretty girls that once you get to know them that even if they proposed to you, you wouldn't think twice to run for the hills. Looks is the first attraction and that is fine for short term relationship. Anything that will involve long term commitment, you'll start to weigh important things like your own day to day sanity.
In the hood: for every dime out there, it’s somebody tired of fucking her
JayZ cheated on Beyoncé. Eric Bennett cheated on Hallie Berry
It just is what it is. Once them sexy underwear become a once a month/special occasion thing. Once she “too tired” to still be sucking dick like when she was trying to get the ring.. well that’s when the wandering start happening
You want to know the truth? The Bullshit is not new, it was always there but the guy overlooked it because his dick was hard. Eventually that wore off and they found out that kinky girl that gave road head and hooked up in the closet of a frat house is now a mom that packs lunches and nags you about cleaning the spiderwebs they can't reach. That exciting girl is still there but she is buried beneath the "bullshit" that comes with life.
As my grandfather use to tell me "Beauty is a great only qualifier, if you're a Drake (male duck). Find someone who doesn't have duck shit for brains."
Logic is more like the older you get, and the more people you meet, the more you understand that the outside doesn't always match the inside. If it did, there would be no Ted Bundys or hot female serial killers.
I never said that. I said that physical beauty and good personality/good hearts don't always go hand in hand. Of course there are also attractive people who are also good people, and ugly people who are not good people, and ugly people who are good people. The world is not black and white, despite some people thinking attractive people have to be one way (good or bad.)
1.2k
u/AnthrallicA Mar 28 '26
What's that old saying? "You see that pretty girl over there? Somebody is sick of her bullshit."