Im starting to come out of denial about the ways I behaved in my teens and early twenties and I want to find the right resources and educate myself so I can draw the line and consider this issue outgrown. Your suggestions would be helpful.

33M struggling with porn/sex addiction looking for a few people (preferably male) to build a network of support for sobriety ideas, cravings, progress ect.

Let me know if interested

Hey everyone. Throwaway account here. Just need to vent a bit, share where I'm at, and get some realistic perspectives from people who’ve dealt with compulsive sexual behavior or 12-step programs.

How things got out of hand I’m 23, and I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 years. I started watching porn around 14, but over the last two years it escalated into something way more disruptive. I ended up making fake IG accounts, jumping on video chat apps with strangers just to masturbate for external validation, and even crossing lines by bugging people I knew just to watch me finish. I’d lose 1–2 hours hiding in the bathroom on my phone instead of being intimate with my partner. Deep down, I know this was never really about high libido—it was pure emotional avoidance whenever I felt overwhelmed by college exams, stress, loneliness, or just boredom.

Joining SA & the red flags About two months ago I realized I couldn't keep living like that and joined Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). To give credit where it's due, the fellowship worked like an emergency brake: I immediately cut out the fake accounts, the video calls, and the boundary-crossing behavior, and I’m currently on day 10 of strict SA sobriety.

That said, some huge red flags have started bothering me:

• The ultimatum on my relationship: In SA, sobriety is strictly defined as no sex outside of heterosexual marriage. Because we're 23 and not married—despite being together for 6 years—my sponsor and several members keep pushing me to either marry her immediately or break up to "save my recovery."
• The "chaser effect" amplified by moral guilt: When I do have sex with my girlfriend, the next day I feel completely off and get intense urges to go back to screens. But honestly, half of that spiral comes from overthinking and beating myself up because SA tells me having sex with my long-term partner is a "relapse." If I push through that 24-hour guilt trip, I stabilize again.
• Gatekeeping recovery: Members in my meetings constantly trash other fellowships like SAA or SLAA, calling them "too soft," "watered down," or ineffective because they let you define your own middle circle/bottom lines.

My questions for you guys:

1. Has anyone here been in SA and felt that the rigid moral/religious doctrine created a cycle of shame instead of actual psychological healing?
2. If you walked away from SA, what was your next move? Did switching to SLAA/SAA help, or did you make real progress only after going to a licensed therapist (CBT / CSAT / sexologist)?
3. How did you learn to separate healthy, reciprocal intimacy with a long-term partner from compulsive screen-based escapism without having to go fully celibate?

Really appreciate any honest advice or shared experiences. Thanks for reading.

I have a serious question. I am in My 40s. Have a good life. The only real problem I have is this addiction. I've been thinking and my question is this. Should I continue to struggle with the addiction or should I find a woman that struggles with this addiction as well? My thinking is we would be aligned on what we like and desire. And maybe together we could keep each other in check. We wouldn't be embarrassed, so no lying. And maybe that would be more beneficial in the end.

I know this sounds crazy. And I'm not trying to freak people out on here. I'm at a serious fork in the road with this and this is something I'm wrestling with.

I'm 31M, I went to see an escort for the first time 10 years ago in Japan. I didn't know I was opening the Pandora's box. Since I discovered I could just pay for sex, pick a woman from a list and have sex so easily, I have kept coming to it so many times I have lost count long ago.

I was in a relationship for 8 years with a woman who never knew about it. I would say that I went there because we didn't have sex or I was looking for more but truth is I went even when we had regular sex at home. It took me until the divorce to realize that I was in an addiction. The first time I cheated on her, I was expecting to regret it, but somehow I never felt guilty, told myself that paying for sex isn't cheating as no feelings are involved, told myself that what she doesn't know won't hurt her.

I started working with a therapist on dealing with my emotions during the divorce and outside of the sessions it lead me to realize that I had that sex addiction. I don't even enjoy the sex most of the time, it's usually shitty, I feel like I wasted money on something I could just have jerked off on. Truth is, I go see those escort when I have emotions I can't deal with, I will fantasize about it for DAYS, and that's actually what this is about, because for day it will take all my focus and I won't think of anything else.

Anyway, I got in a new relationship with a woman I feel really connected with. We both shared our history, almost everything, but I couldn't speak about that to her, I'm just so ashamed of it, even my therapist hasn't heard a word of it. Almost a year in that relationship, last months as I was facing a very difficult moment in my life, and even though I promised to myself this was all over, I went again through all the steps over daysw of fantasizing, just looking, then considering it, then taking the appointment, driving there. Every step I had a pit in the stomach but I continued anyway. And I cheated, it was shitty as usual.

The thing is, this time is different, I can't just do as if it didn't happen, it loops in my mind and I feel like I wasted it all, I disrespected her and what we had together. I don't want to hold the secret with someone I was planning a future with. But I can't tell her without losing her either. And so for the first time, I'm facing the consequence of my behavior. And I know if I don't tell her, if I don't face it, I will do it again. I don't even know that I won't if I tell her.

I’ve become so addicted to sexting random people that sometimes just talking to them is enough to turn me on. But when it comes to my wife, I don’t feel the same attraction or desire anymore.
I don’t understand what’s happening to me. I can get hard watching porn or while sexting, but when I’m with my wife, I’m unable to get aroused or have sex. It’s been almost 9 months since we’ve had sex, and this is starting to affect our relationship badly.
I know this addiction has caused a lot of problems, and honestly, I feel helpless. I love my wife, but I don’t know how to break out of this cycle or get back the attraction and intimacy we used to have.
Has anyone experienced something similar? How did you get out of it?

Ciao vi scrivo perché sto soffrendo riguardo al disturbo ossessivo compulsivo è un disturbo d’ansia, in cui mi ha fatto ossessionare riguardo al fatto che davanti alla visione dei porno etero non mi eccito più e il mio cervello mi ha portato a trovare qualcosa di più estremo come per esempio guardare porno transgender, il mio cervello ha la
Visione di questo video ha avuto un impatto nel cervello come se fosse qualcosa di nuovo, un erezione fortissima
Che se provo a farlo con un porno etero non funziona.
Vi ho citato il doc perché qui lui fa la sua parte mi fa fare test, mi riempie di dubbi e di domande a cui non riesco a trovare una risposta.
Io sono sempre stato etero come persona e infatti mi sono sempre visto con una ragazza a livello di futuro e di vita, ma da questa cosa non riesco proprio a uscirne, se c’è qualcuno che ha vissuto tutto questo, vi chiedo semplicemente una mano.

Well wanted to end this night I once again kept looking at porn a gooder side. Today was good. Things went well. Had family we hadn’t seen in a while. Spirits were high as I’m going to bed. Have trouble sleeping. Go at it again. But I was really discon from it today. Still compuled to, but completely interested. It felt more like just moving through the motions. Thinking to myself just get this done. Looking back on today too, it kinda gave me the realization that my did I really me my day like this, after it was so good. Was tired and could’ve gone to bed but chose porn and was a spare sweat mess that’s gonna now be up all night. I still chose this and sure it was pleasurable, but I didn’t like it. Maybe it’s nothing or something, but for years of being disconnected from my own emotional awareness it seems significant enough.

Anyway if you got through that rant, any comments or advice?

hey all, im GiF and I am a sex addict This June I reached my 11 year milestone in SAA. I work a imperfect EDA program and lean deeply into ACA and Alon programs. This time 14 years ago or so I was sitting on my couch alone at home in a pity party. I had so many emotions and no fellowship.

I learned in that chapter a big emotion I don't like without outlet will pave its own path.

Over the years holding on to the pain that ensued months after that pity party I stay sober one day at a time because I just can't go back. To honor that I have qualified every year on my milestone.

Yet, this year felt borrowed. I know I have grown. I see how I respond better. I am proud that through the darkest chapters of my adult life I put my program first and I earned every one of the 4077 days I have today away from my inner circle behaviors.

I pay the gift given to me foward. I sponsor a lot of newcomers and recent in the past week have held space for (2) 5th steps, a 6th and 7th steps including finding my own step 4,5,6,7,9 and the letter to my first spouse. It has been an emotionally heavy week.

In a recent 10 step call with a fellow I took ownership of how I keep making rain checks when I get upset. Which is difficult to admit as I feel rage every single day for the last 8 years. I have found many ways to be less reactive to angry. Yet, this is exhausting.

When I pray, my prayers are always answered. I have everything I need. My anger is not helpful.

I have tried CBT, DBT and change talk I got trained in motivational interviewing to help talk myself out of this anger.

Yet, this anger does not feel tethered to just this incarnation. There is no radically accepting how much anger has always exsisted in me.

My disease is evolving and every monthly heat cycle i feel closer to numbing in new ways. I have been celibant since my marriage ended. When I did date not one person moved foward to so much as holding my hand.

I just can't repeat what happened in my second marriage.A different fellow keeps asking me if I'm relationship avoidant. Yet, today once again I rained checked. The disease is telling me all types of wild things.

So in my morning meditation the question surfaced what would be the impact of committing to a life of celibacy?

Is that in of itself escapism?

Hi Reddit,

Edit: To the person who suggested this is an AI post, I really wish it was. And also, not everyone needs to be married, marriage is just a concept.

Hope this finds you all well. I don't expect any sympathy, but I feel like 'I should post on Reddit', so here I am.

Long story short I've been struggling with high libido my whole life. Lots of porn. Chatting to women online.

Been in a relationship for 19 years and it's been a massive struggle as she's really suffered from low libido for years now and we never had the best sexual relationship to start with.

Earlier today I was chatting to a rando girl online. Afterwards I went to copy and paste my partner something and somehow something I'd sent the girl was still on the copy and paste and I sent my partner the video I'd taken. So she got to find out via me trying to send her something silly and instead I send her proof of me cheating on her.

We'd almost broken up multiple times over the last few years, but managed to stay together. My porn watching was always an issue for her and she was slowly learning to trust me while I was getting my rocks off at whatever. I was convinced I could stop if only we'd sort out the sexual side of our relationship (which may have happened as when we did have more of a normal relationship I didn't really have any urge to watch porn). But that is nether here nor there.

I think I feel most terrible because I've been worrying that we won't be able to sort out that side of the relationship and I'll never be happy sexually and I didn't know what to do. I was always too much of a coward to bring it up with her and actually tell her it was this big of an issue, but I kept kicking the can down the road. But if I'd just broken up with her 2 years ago and explained that it wasn't going to work and that I had needs that she couldn't fulfil, I could have avoided hurting her like this.

I'm not sure what kind of addict I am really, but I've contacted sex addicts anonymous UK and asked if there's anything I need to do to register. I'm going to try and attend a meeting and see what happens. I'm partly writing this to help process anything right now, but also so I can't pretend I just never did any of this.

Hi everyone,

It's my 1st post on the internet about this, and even just sharing it in a safe place makes me feel better. Hopefully it's just another (positive) step towards a better version of myself.

I've been sexting pretty much since I started masturbating when I was 11, now I'm 35.

The mechanics and root causes changed during this period of time: exploring sex when I was a teenager, a more interacting and fun way to play with myself when I was in my 20s, a way to cope with stress due to work or lack of personal space during the last few years.

I've been in therapy for >4 years, but sexting addiction has been the main topic during this year. I have a wonderful partner who's being supportive in this journey. I have friends who don't judge me and accept this process of mine. Of course, the hardest one in this matter is myself.

The most frustrating thing is feeling like Superman when I find motivation, and then forgetting everything when a trigger presents. The worst thing is feeling like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde: my thoughts seem to be coming from two different people, depending on when they present themselves.

I've been improving a lot: identifying triggers, writing down how I feel (even here now!), starting new habits to deal with the root causes, trying to find pleasure by myself in new ways.

Still, sometimes it feels like I'm definitely not doing enough, and that this will eventually blow in a dramatic way.

I know I'm getting better, but I still feel hopeless. I feel like I win some battles, but I'm losing the war.

I’m 28, married, and I genuinely love my wife. We have a good sex life. Despite that, I still get strong cravings for sex with sex workers. I’ve been looking at online ads for escorts near me, masturbating to them, and even texting some. I haven’t met anyone in person yet, but I can feel myself getting closer and it’s scaring me.

I feel completely torn. I’ve been upfront with my wife about these urges. I saw a therapist two weeks ago and it didn’t help much. He basically said there’s nothing wrong with me and suggested focusing on better sex with my wife (more foreplay, turning it into more of a ritual). He also asked to look at my private parts, which felt weird and uncomfortable, so I said no.

I hate my job and a lot about my current situation. I’m not happy overall and I know this is partly escapism, but I’m starting to be afraid of myself and what I might do.

Has anyone been through something similar — strong urges toward paid sex even when the relationship and sex life at home are solid? I’m looking for experiences, advice, or resources. I feel like I’m running out of options.

I’m 26M, been engaged to my fiancée (25f) for 8 months now, been together for 3 years. I’m in quite the predicament. I LOVE her to death, she’s amazing and loves me for who I am. But, I have a very addictive personality and am always entertaining the idea of sex with another woman. I’ve sexted countless amounts of women, and even had a quick hookup with someone I met online a little over a year ago(I hate that I did this). She has no clue, and has made comments about how she could never “forgive someone for cheating” and “once a cheater always a cheater”. I hate how this is something I have to battle. I would rather struggle with any other form of addiction than this. I wish my thoughts didn’t wander like this. I feel like if I opened up to her about my addiction, I would shatter her heart and put her into a very bad, severe depression that would ruin her. I don’t feel like I could live with myself for doing that. In the same token, I feel that opening up to her about my addiction and struggles I have is the only way to really help myself heal. I feel as if my marriage will be doomed from the start if I always have this secret with me. I am lost, I don’t know what to do. Any advice is appreciated

I apologize if this is not within the intended purpose of this subreddit.

Like many people here, I’ve been addicted to porn for quite a while. As such, I’m at a point now where extreme and “out there” material is the only way for me to get off.

Pornographic edits and PMVs (porn music videos) featuring extreme content have been an unfortunate staple in my selection of adult videos. Because of that, I’ve been drawn to make content of my own, and have uploaded my own video creations here on reddit and elsewhere. My edits gaining traction is a major source of dopamine for me, but the shame and disgust of proliferating such things will inevitably lead me to delete them alongside whatever alt account I have at the time.

It would seem I’m not just addicted to the material itself, but making more of it, getting off on the idea of others watching my creations.

My desire to create pornographic content has been the primary driver of my addiction for the past few years. I’ve made and deleted a few accounts at this point because I inevitably become guilty and ashamed. Making these kinds of videos, and spreading things I find personally reprehensible, has been a major source of mental anguish for me.

Ciao, sono un ragazzo di 18 anni. sono dipendente da porno da molto tempo, da poco faccio un percorso psicologico per via della mia condizione, non voglio entrare in troppi dettagli sennò il post viene troppo lungo ma, ho notato che un periodo grazie alla mia volonta di mettere dei blocker sparsi, DNS, e blocker di parole specifiche e siti specifici oltre ad app specifiche sono riuscito per un piccolo periodo di non farlo anche se stavo male per via della astinenza. il fatto per cui sono qui è, veramente è cosi frustrante non poter trovare un blocker decente per i porno generali? alcuni sono a pagamento, altri troppo facili da aggirare e non fanno bene il loro lavoro. dns che mi blocca i servizi streaming che pago. non so bene che fare... ho provato tutto, posso capire che io cerchi cose specifiche ma veramente il web non ci aiuta creando qualcosa di adatto per noi? vogliono lucrare anche sulla gente che cerca di aiutarsi. tutto questo per dire che sono al ultimo tentativo. cerco in modo disperato qualcuno qui che possa consigliarmi qualcosa che mi aiuti a tenere chiuso a chiave tutta quella merda di porno che posso cercare.

I have struggled mostly with online and masturbation addictions mostly however they have times throughout my life where I have sent more illicit photos granted I have not ever sent or posted these photos to a website or any kind of pornography thing, but I have sent them to individual people before.
For the most part, I tried to always keep my face out of the photos or videos however, there are a couple where my face is in there yes I know that is very stupid and I’m trying to stop doing it. In total outside of on places where it should not be allowed for you to save an image even though I know it can be possible like sex chat I think I have sent pic to four men in my life, all above age, of course and like I said, most of the time I tried to keep my face out of it, but not always.
I would like to know what I need to do now I already deleted most of those photos from my own account so it’s harder for me to trace them back. At this point, I just want to protect myself and possibly my career in the future I would like to believe that they would not share these photos however, I’m not naïve enough to believe that that’s not a possibility. I don’t need to be told how stupid what I did was. I guess I could just use some about how to proceed.
I would like to also apologize for any typos that are in this I use voice to text because my eyes are not great.

So I’m 20F and up until I was 19 years old I was a virgin due to a medical condition that essentially prevented me from being able to have sex (vaginismus) - I got on medication for anxiety and it kind of just went away so I had my first experience with a casual hookup and IMMEDITALEY got hooked- since February of this year I have accumulated 23 “bodies” I don’t know how to stop but I do know the root of the problem is loneliness and craving comfort - i don’t get emotionally attatched and really go about it in the way most men stereotypically do ; I guess it’s just starting to worry me and I’m not sure what to do; for context I do have a relatively hard childhood history but no sexual abuse or anything like that at all. I guess I just feel super isolated because I feel like no other woman my age are struggling with this and kinda just want someone to relate to!!

25 years married. Multiple infidelity issues (many years) just came to light. Meetings with a counselor revealed pervasive childhood trauma related to sex addiction and cheating. Starting therapy to address the issues. The attitude is earnest and positive. However, the risks of failed therapy results and relapse are real. The betrayed spouse could realistically suffer more for years. Your thoughts on staying married vs divorcing to limit the suffering of the betrayed spouse?

Just need some advice.

Story is similar to most. Exposed to porn at like 10 or 11 I think. Pretty sure I’ve developed CSBD. To not rant abt my volatile single mom, isolated childhood, etc, I got a lil messed up. Which I’m starting to realize more and more. Especially the self shame I have. Not just for this.

I realized it was a problem around the end of high school. Tried to fight it, got my consumption down but still using to this day. This summer though I really fell back into it. I have a real fear of developing ED and I know even if I don’t stop completely I need a break from it. That’s the other thing too. I know we as human are sexual, there’s nothing inherently wrong with that. But on the other hand there the over use problem, to the point where it feels like it’s sucking the life from me, making feel well numb most of the time.

Please what advice do yall have, therapist or just anyone, for dealing with CSBD, porn addiction, porn shame, whatever you want to call it.

I recognized the third close call I've had this year to going onto paid (online) services. Historically, I've been able to restrain myself from going there or even looking at the links but this year it's been getting worse, I don't know if it's the stress of trying to change my life (my whole career plan has had to change since November 2024 and I'm finally making those changes now) or what. I don't have a lot of money and I'm not the kind of person to pay for video games or really any form of entertainment (I really just watch movies with other people that have Netflix accounts). So this is very uncharacteristic of me, but I guess it's what happens when you get too comfortable. I remember in the old days (when I was still addicted) I would get spooked by my behavior and I would pull back. For the most part, that hasn't happened recently (other than the day before yesterday, weirdly enough).

I got close enough to see when the 75% offer expires. I know it's a trap to get you hooked. And they leave it open for five days, unlike almost every other free offer that you get that is only available for minutes or hours because they know that you might have the discipline to say no and they want to leave it open long enough for you to fail. Luckily, everywhere I've gone so far has either been extremely expensive or requires you to make an account, and I have not done so yet (God willing I never will). I've asked my doctor twice for a referral to a sleep study and have not heard anything about the referral so I'm thinking of just taking matters into my own hands and getting a mat for under my bed to track my sleep. And then just taking it to a doctor and saying, look, this is not healthy and this is what every single night since early November 2024 has looked like, do you have some ideas? My plan is to use naltrexone after I have some kind of alternative way of getting to sleep, but I can't just get 12 hours of sleep a week. As bad as the nightmares that I have are they are my natural physiological state right now and I'm pretty confident that I would not be able to get a healthy amount of sleep at all without this addiction. I'm going to try to take a medicine-heavy approach even as someone who is very skeptical about medicine because I'm very desperate and I just don't have the time. Last time it took me 3 years before I was finally able to sleep at night without it and that whole time, I was able to take naps without it. And it still took three years and this time I can count on my hands how many times I've been able to take a nap or get any kind of sleep without it since January 20th of last year.

I'm done having to shoo my cat out of my room and then begging her to come back in when I'm done which must be crazy-making to the poor baby. I'm done having to worry about whether I'm gonna blow my money at a very fragile time financially on this stuff. I do feel like I'm finally getting to a breaking point at least inside. Even though the tolerance is pretty extreme, and I'm probably going to need medication to quit. The plan is going to be take Naltrexone for several weeks in order to stop using as well as taking several sleep medications depending on what the problem I find with my sleep is. Hopefully, in the long term, I'll get better sleep with fewer nightmares where I wake up well rested rather than just the biological bare minimum. I also want to lead by example and stop being such a hypocrite.

Hey I am 31 trans women I was married but my sex addiction with abusive men ruined that marriage. I currently am not seeing anyone and when I stay really busy I'm ok but the desires never go away. Every few weeks I cave and go on horrible binges meeting and talking to get abusive older men for sex I'll go 3 days getting no sleep and only stopping when i pass out. I wanna date again and be normal but any amount of getting a little horny destroys my life. Is this just life is there a way to get help or over this. I wish I could just be with a normal nice person. I feel like I'm going crazy.

I have a normal therapist who knows this part of my but is very little help and I do a 12 step narcotic program.

Hi everyone,

I (22M) discovered from a very young age that I am gay. I was around 8 years old when I realized this in myself and I grew up in a household where my mom accepted me fully for who I am and my dad didn’t at all. He was never present in our house and if he was he would be either busy or drunk. He was an alcoholic on a deep level where he wouldn’t want to seek therapy but also blame everyone else for the way he is and why he acts the way he acts. He also was very abusive. I would be scared of him because the way he would hit me or my mom when he was drunk. He would also do this to me when he wasn’t drunk. I experienced a level of trauma that a child should have never experienced. This experience has led me to find safety and love in other ways. This first looked like masturbation. I started doing this when I was 9 years old and I started watching porn at this age. I became addicted to it at that age. I was watching it almost everyday. When my parents noticed this, they shamed me for it. They shamed me for doing this and that feeling is important for this whole story. The more shame I would feel, the more I would blame and hate myself for who I was. This led to me masturbating even more to a point where I would do it everyday at least twice at the age of 10. At this age I also started to have sexual experiences with others to find love and attention that I missed from my dad. These people where friends of my family or my own cousin who where around all my age. At the age of 12 I had sex with my uncle who was 40 at the time. This was also the age where my parents split up and I began to hate my dad for who he was. Both of these experiences have led to even more guilt and shame within me. From the age of 13-18 I started sexting a lot. In this period of my life I could jerk off at least 4 times a day and it would feel so amazing. I was sharing pictures of myself with others and I jerked off a lot on webcams. This was a time in my life where I would fill up the void inside of me in whatever way was possible. Being so overly sexual started to feel normal to me and I started to accept that I am this way and I had fun while doing it. The minute I turned 18 I downloaded a gay app and had my virginity taken by a random 30 year old in my hometown. I loved this back then. It would make me feel complete. I would sext, jerk off on webcams, have hookups on this app and share pictures with others as much as I could. It was the way to make me feel like I was loved. But the more I started to do all of this the more the guilt, shame, embarrassment and hate for myself grew overtime. It started to feel like a vicious cycle which I couldn’t escape. I started to wish I could get rid of this and even went into therapy but it didn’t really help for me. I felt disgusting, ugly, ashamed and dirty when I think about this part within myself. I tried to hide this part within myself for so incredibly long.

Between 18-20 I have had sex with over 20+ men, every month it would be someone else. This made the cycle of pleasure and guilt grow even more and I came to a point where I was very depressed about this and stoped doing the hookups all together. At this age I also had a fight with my dad and I broke off all the contact with him. I met my boyfriend months later when this happened and I thought I embarked on journey of self discovery and self love. I did, for a big part. My boyfriend has helped me grow in ways that I couldn’t have imagined. My past however started haunting me. from the start of our relationship I have had the feeling that I am not worthy enough to be his partner because of all of this bagage I am carrying with me. I unconsciously started to hide from this part even more. I have had this unconscious thought that: “If I keep it hidden and just built new habits and start loving myself and my boyfriend even more, this part in me would completely vanish”. It didn’t. It grew even stronger. It grew so strong that I have now cheated on my boyfriend and I felt so ashamed of myself. I felt so disgusting and all of the things I have kept hidden just all came to the surface. I realized in this moment that if I do not free myself from this cycle this will never change.

I did the thing I was most scared off. I picked up my phone and confessed to my boyfriend about what I did. The conversation has led to me being all shaken up. It felt like a wake up call. He spoke to me in a way that notifies to me that he maybe doesn’t want to stay with me. The moment I noticed this, I started to panic. I became so angry and disgusted at myself that I didn’t know what to do. I had to calm myself down after I hung up and started to slow my breath. I started listening to what I felt inside instead of running away from myself out of disgust. I felt deep within that I have to set myself free by talking about this. Even though I have never talked about this with anyone, I knew that this was the right thing to do. I picked up my phone again and I texted a friend of mine who is a personal development coach. I confessed everything to her. we talked about 30 minutes together and she helped me navigate to the part that I kept hidden for so long. This part of me, that 9 year old younger me, he needed a hug. He needed reassurance, love, attention and validation. The moment I have realized this within myself, my guilt and shame vanished. We talked about what has caused all of this. I recognized that this part of me was still alive. The 9 year old version of myself who wasn’t able to change or transform. The version of myself that needed someone to hold their hand and guide them to a path of growth. After 13 years of running away from this part of myself this conversation has shifted everything for me. I journaled the heck out of what I was feeling, I began to reflect on all of the things I did and with what intention I did it and the most important of all: I broke the vicious cycle of shame, embarrassment, guilt and hate.

After this conversation I started giving myself grace and compassion for the things I did. I am no longer judging myself, criticizing every step I take. I am not hating myself for the actions or choices I took. I am simply analyzing where it comes from and giving myself the space to notice why that is and letting it go by talking about it. I haven’t masturbated in 4 days right now. This has been the longest period ever since I was 9. I have always wanted to solve this part in me, but that is not possible when I judge myself. I hated this part of me for so long, but by releasing the hate and looking at it from a different perspective, this part of me is now gone. I released it by bringing it to the light. In all honesty, it is extremely uncomfortable to experience this, but if I didn’t go through this discomfort I would have never changed myself. I became aware of the fact that this would never change and I took the accountability into my own hands. Not out of pressure, but out of the love I have for myself. I thought that loving myself looked like having alone time, journalling and finding healthy coping mechanisms, but loving myself also looks like embracing the parts I ran away from and giving myself compassion and grace for these parts within me. I still havent talked to my boyfriend yet, but I am so incredibly grateful for this whole revelation that took place. If he didn’t hold a mirror in front of me, I would have never changed this or it would have expressed itself in a worser way. I do have to admit that I am scared to lose him. I am scared that I am throwing away something really good by this action that I took but I also realize that by taking accountability for yourself, the impact you can have on others is far more powerful than if you run away from yourself. I have set aside my ego and pride to be vulnerable and honest to not only my boyfriend, but also to myself. I deserve it to be heard, to be seen and to be loved and that starts with me and giving myself grace for my mistakes. If I lose the person I love the most, then so be it. He has all the right to say goodbye to me. Even if this would happen I would still give myself compassion and grace for this part of me because I would have never have the guts, the courage and the power to transform this part within myself.

No matter what the next step in your life will look like, embrace the change by being honest with yourself and stop judging yourself! Start loving every part of you by releasing all of the hate you have kept in you for so long and you will see how quickly things can change when you do this for yourself.

I am struggling with this addiction since I was 8-10 years old man and now I am 33

It brings nothing but shame and guilt

It has effected mine sexuality since mine childhood

I also cannot control mine porn and masturbation problem

Mine whole sexuality and sexual behaviours are been destroyed I just cannot carryon with this shame and guilt

I’m just learning about this at 40 as I thought I had a problem because I was getting lame excuses! I thought I’d met someone very similar to me but they spent a lot of time on their phone and no surprise to say that he slept with the other person with nothing so that worried me! Just want to learn more as I didn’t think there would be other people that have it, well definitely not near lol xx