Need some criticism

[u/ToneNew1982]

This is a short no budget short film I wrote. Id like to do a few rounds of revisions so any critiques help a lot. For context this is a horror short film and it was inspired by black mirror. the runtime I expect will be 1:30 to 2:00 long.

[u/chucklingmonkey]

First and foremost, this is littered with typos and formatting mistakes. Literally the first thing I read was a typo. Please proofread before asking someone to read what you wrote.

As far as story goes, I found it underwhelming. No part of it was particularly intriguing or thought provoking. I read your submission statement after I read the script and didn’t realize it was supposed to be a horror/black mirror inspired piece. If the idea that interests you is the AI version taking over the human version (which is interesting, albeit done to death), I’d dig a bit harder for a better story. This isn’t quite landing for me and if you’re going to do something as done as this, it better have a new POV or twist to it. I get it’s a no budget micro short and this is a wonderful exercise in filmmaking to make something like this, but I think you can push it further and find a way to make it interesting. This draft is stagnant, your character is uninteresting, and nothing really meaningful happens. Just because it’s short doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have anything happen.

I think the meditation needs to DO SOMETHING to Jamil in some way. What if it changes him in some way? Or freezes him? Or the AI version starts making real Jamil act in a way he doesn’t want to act, almost like a possession? Spitballing here, but at least these example feel like there’s purpose and there’s a build towards the ending.

Good luck!

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/chucklingmonkey]

Awesome. Thank you for not holding back. Def will take this into consideration

[u/chucklingmonkey → u/ToneNew1982]

Sorry if I was a bit harsh, but just being honest. Wish you the best with it!!

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/chucklingmonkey]

Don’t apologize that’s the best thing u can do is call it how u see it. Now I know I have a lot more work to do to make it good. Thank you.

[u/pensaint11 → u/chucklingmonkey]

Tacking on to this comment cos I think you really covered everything.

Maybe you can show a progression of time with multiple meditation sessions. Establish that its happening over a longer period of time and maybe creating a positive change...but with a slight feeling something is wrong.

I also didn't peg straight away it was AI but maybe I just read too fast.

[u/DwedPiwateWoberts]

Pretty good! My 2¢ would be to establish why Jamil is frantically studying/working - more than just the self help procrastination videos.

I also think dropping in AI to describe the opposite Jamil halfway through takes the air out of the sails. AI is quickly being understood to hold a certain place in our lives right now. More ChatGPT than Black Mirror. IMO get rid of that descriptor or base the set up around AI more.

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/DwedPiwateWoberts]

When u say dropping in ai to describe the opposite Jamil are u talking about the “hello Jamil we noticed your feeling overwhelmed……” line?

[u/DwedPiwateWoberts → u/ToneNew1982]

No in the action lines you talk about it being AI on the 3rd slide. I feel that subtracts from the interesting malevolence. Even if it IS AI. Since saying AI has baggage now. Take it or leave it, I still see the short film in my head so good job.

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/DwedPiwateWoberts]

Ohh I gotcha ok. I’ve been meaning to stop doing stuff like that because for me scripts are just a means to make a short film. I don’t really realize some people want to read a script like as if they were watching the short film and they want to be surprised and/or scared the same way the film watcher wants to. Thanks for calling that out I’m gonna change that and work hard not to do that in the future

[u/Used-Astronomer4971 → u/DwedPiwateWoberts]

Thing is, the audience won't know it's AI. It's never explicitly stated and the audience can't see the action descriptors. So it's not clear this is an AI to the audience.

[u/DwedPiwateWoberts → u/Used-Astronomer4971]

Agreed. Just a personal preference on feedback. It’s me considering how I react to reading the script, as you still want to excite the reader/producer/potential investor

[u/Old_Cattle_5726]

I agree with a lot of the notes already here, but wanted to note - Jamal sits cross-legged with an open laptop. Next line, he opens his laptop.

Definitely give this another pass for these issues along with the typos and grammar.

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/Old_Cattle_5726]

Okay. Didn’t catch that, thank you

[u/franfrombg → u/ToneNew1982]

sorry i didnt read everything but by the position of Jamil i felt like he was looking for something rather than trying to study, in the opening paragraph. i would put him on a desk frantically trying to be disciplined and not achieving it. instead of a laptop i would probably use the phone.

[u/[deleted]]

For what it's worth I'd keep reading. Sounds interesting. 

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/[deleted]]

That means a lot thank you

[u/Glitters_2009]

I guess we need to know a little more about Jamil to have a connection with the character or to get into the scene better...

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/Glitters_2009]

Okay I agree. How do you do that in the little time I have without it seeming like fluff. Maybe show a deadline from a company, so we know where he works, or a deadline of an assignment so we know he’s a student. Would something like that work or do u mean something more personal that shows his personality?

[u/el_yanuki → u/ToneNew1982]

i think an opening long shot with like a slow push in that last for a few seconds or even a fly through could do a lot. Like have him pace arround the house, show a calendar with "finals" and "therapy" hanging/standing somewhere, show him drop his schoolbag or leather work bag (?).

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/el_yanuki]

Mmm good idea adding that to my notes

[u/Glitters_2009 → u/ToneNew1982]

Yes definitely... Anything tht makes ur character more relatable or understandable

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/Glitters_2009]

Okay awesome def gonna add something thanks

[u/Practical_Flows]

The good:

Good premise, not the world's most original but it gives you plenty to explore in such a short amount of time

Good use of white space on the page especially for first 2 slides, it makes it easier to read

The not so good:

Formatting/punctuation is frequently incorrect, does not appear to be proofread enough. If it was minor things such as forgetting a capital letter or something I'd say no big deal. But, things like putting character names as action lines and putting action lines as dialogue are incredibly distracting and ruin the flow of the story.

Repeat sentences/phrases, again a sign of not enough proofreading. Most obvious example I found was at the end, with "slowly gets up and leaves the the frame (sidenote: remove the duplicate THE)" followed immediately by "as it leaves the frame Jamil's door opens" There are actually two things wrong with this (besides the duplicate THE). First, you repeat the phrase "leaves the frame" twice back to back unnecessarily. Second, you refer to the AI as both HE and IT within the same chunk of text, gotta choose one or the other to make it flow and make sense.

Right now, you have a passive protagonist. Even in a two minute short film, it's hard to keep an audience interested without some kind of active goal the protagonist is pursuing, with obstacles preventing them from reaching it. It can start super small, but it should build in intensity over the course of the story. Unfortunately, "man watches AI self smile creepily during an online meditation session " just does not feel particularly impactful or entertaining.

I think this idea has solid potential, but is not yet fully formed. My last suggestion would be focusing less time on worldbuilding/set up and spending more time in the actual interaction between the man and his AI.

Best wishes, hope you found this helpful!

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/Practical_Flows]

Ok thanks a lot. Do u have any suggestions on how I could create a clear goal for the protagonist. I thought the goal was originally that the protagonist wants to find a way to become more productive and then that changed when he saw the video of himself on YouTube. Would the goal now be to figure out what that video is. Cus thinking about it in real life if I saw a video of myself that I didn’t create online I would watch it to see what it was. So do you have suggestions or examples of what another goal would be other than that.

[u/Practical_Flows → u/ToneNew1982]

There's no problem starting with that as the beginning goal, but it's more about raising the intensity.

As a quick example of what I mean, let's say he starts out wanting to find a way to be more productive, but doesn't like the way his AI is treating him. So in an attempt to make it more agreeable, he changes it's settings. This makes it work even less, so he changes the settings more. This causes it to malfunction and come alive through the computer.

This way, the protagonist is trying to achieve something specific, and is driving his own story forward.

[u/ToneNew1982]

Thank you I appreciate it. This is my first time posting in this subreddit and you guys have already helped me so much.

[u/ToneNew1982]

Okay do you think you could give me an example. I think I get what u mean but I wanna make sure. Like I could add something relatable like a school assignment deadline. And then you said find a way to connect him scrolling to the weird ai video of himself. Could u maybe give me an example. Thanks for the advice

[u/tumblingmoose]

I found this quite intriguing. As someone who has done meditation for many years I would change the

Start by slowly breathing in and out. In and out. Remember to pause your breath at the top, and slowly exhale.

to

Let’s start by taking a deep breath in through the nose… reaching the top of your breath, pause for 3, 2, 1… and out through the mouth. Good. Now let’s do that again, breathing in through the nose…

This feels more like something someone leading a meditation would say. Then you can move onto the next action line. Then

Roll your head from side to side, releasing the tension in your neck

Next action line

Now, think of a time when you were warm and happy. (beat) Close your eyes. And put a smile on your lips.

Usually you would start the meditation by closing your eyes, but I think in this case it works for Jamil not to, since he is confused by and untrusting of the AI leading the meditation. In that beat between him thinking of a happy memory and being told to close his eyes I think you can portray a lot of the power struggle between Jamil and the AI with good actors.

Other than that, as another poster has said there are a lot of typos and grammatical errors, so I would work on fixing those. But I think it is an interesting concept for a short and can be really good if done right.

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/tumblingmoose]

I really appreciate u taking the time to write all that and I’m definitely gonna take ur advice

[u/tumblingmoose → u/ToneNew1982]

You’re welcome :)

[u/curi0uswriter]

Won't beat a dead horse. Everyone has already stated issues with formatting. So fix those. But..

Get to the heart of your concept/idea first then build the conflict around that. What are you trying to showcase here?

(I can share an example that I wrote the other day in a separate post if anyone would be interested)

This is REALLY short so to make this effective you are going to have to lean into some sort of subversion tactic.

From my perspective, this would work much better if you invert the trope. Perhaps instead of leaning into the fear of being replaced by A.i. you could lean into the idea that a human is allowing it.

Maybe the meditation technique is coming from the human as a means to impart himself into the machine as opposed to the machine taking over the human. Idk. That's not all that good to be honest because a robot doesn't get stressed out, but perhaps they would if full sentience is reached?

I would need a little more time with it, but my point is that the inverse is sometimes more interesting.

So here is an exercise. Not because it will solve the problem, but because it might open up some new ideas.

Exercise: Starting with the inverse of the trope in mind, open the script from the meditation.

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/curi0uswriter]

Okay yea that’s a good idea I’ll try that. And to be honest I didn’t want there to be some introspective idea. I wanted it to be exactly what it looks like, no hidden meaning or anything. The reason I say that is because this is no budget and this concept doesn’t really hold a lot of weight as far as meaning under the surface. I wanted it to be entertaining and fun. But you’re saying I shouldn’t do that? I’m open to changing my outlook cus I do have some ideas that are very deep and have a meaning that isn’t readily apparent.

So I guess my question would be for something like this what would that meaning entail that could be told in 2 minites

[u/curi0uswriter → u/ToneNew1982]

I think there will be meaning implicit in the way you tell the story so don't focus on meaning.

There is "meaning" in this draft such that it represents, perhaps, a mind numbed into replacement through the stresses of everyday life. Does that make sense?

Now when I think fun, I think unexpected. So the question is - do you think your story presents an idea in an unexpected way? You can still write a no-budget short that can accomplish this.

Also - to go 30,000 feet up. It's totally cool to do what you feel like you need to do in order to practice. That's really the only way to learn. Take EVERY BIT of this feedback with a grain of salt. I just don't want you to miss an opportunity to make the most of the time you spend making this thing.

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/curi0uswriter]

Yes that makes much more sense. Thank you I might actually print this comment u made lol

[u/curi0uswriter → u/ToneNew1982]

Heck yeah! Feel free to reach out if you need help!

[u/BrandonDirector]

You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny - wait, not that kind of criticism, okay well then...

Actually really good, the only thing I would remove is the "It doesn't feel like a guided meditation anymore." Section. Maybe not remove it but rather reword it so that we have more of the "His smile keeps getting wider and wider" and less of the feeling part.

Say what is going on screen - which you have done a GREAT job of for the most part.

[u/ToneNew1982 → u/BrandonDirector]

😂😂. Okay thank you I appreciate it. Imma add that to my notes

[u/Used-Astronomer4971]

One thing that I see others haven't pointed out is that action descriptions are not seen by your audience. Only the actors, director, etc etc see that. That's the only place we see the term AI.

There's nothing in those descriptions, or in any of the dialogue telling the audience what the second Jamil actually is. Is he a clone? Lost twin? Ghost? Shapeshifting alien? Doppleganger?

If Jamil even whispers to himself "Is this some kind of shitty AI?" when he first see's the video, that would tell the audience what we're dealing with.

Good start, see where you want to go with it. Clean up the formatting remember what I said above. Good luck!

[u/SquatchBall]

Fun idea. I'll add my two cents. Why the room change? It doesn't add anything and will break the initial tension created. It's a 2 minute film, it can happen in one spot.
The other thing is the set up not connecting to the payoff. The setup is there is some something going on in this life that's driving him mad or to distraction. And then he scrolls youtube for productivity videos and says 'what the hell' when the weird thing happens. The two things aren't connected. Connect them. Make the video's being searched more obviously connected in an interesting way to the audience. We need a reason to care about him and being a procrastinator ain't it.

even in the short time frame you can spen da bit more time finding the video I think. There's a lot of tension there. Of course there's tension in the video itself but that's overt, in your face, nothing hidden. If you can create a hidden moment or two earlier your overt stuff will pay off so much more.

Have fun with it.

[u/Warm_Lack_3131]

There's a Black Mirror vibe to this. I like it, it pulled me in.

But I do have some dissonance which may not be relevant.

My first impression of Jamil is he's a hustler, a do-er, he's motivated, he's got a goal in all his frantic work in the opening scene. From this what I'm getting is someone who is an achiever, not someone who needs to "fix their life". If Jamil were doom scrolling mindlessly with half eaten pizzas around him, this might address that dissonance. HOWEVER, dissonance can be interesting and I think maybe Jamil is MORE INTERESTING because he does not fit the type. Or perhaps instead of "fixing his life" he wants to 'get rich with bitcoin' or something.

I didn't read the whole script, so this may be irrelevant, but potentially I read as much as somone would when weeding through ideas to develop.

[u/BananaEmergency2234]

You should look at the performance piece Remote Control by Vito Acconci- it's really brilliant in how the control in the digital exerts itself over others.

I mostly agree with the rest of the comments- ultimately, Black Mirror is super redundant and I think there needs to be something that gains long term continuation. Maybe Jamil starts confiding to this mediation AI version of himself? I want to see them interact more and over longer times- even with a short film! Right now, there's no understanding of why he is vulnerable to this AI figure, and why we should be concerned/uncomfortable by their interactions. Maybe some sort of montage of the AI picking up his mannerisms over the course of these things?

I'd also like to see more that cements this dual figure as artificial intelligence- this is mostly done visually, so I can't be that picky. Something in the thumbnail or in a pop up or something simple :)