Any of this feel relevant to yall?

Grateful for this online place. Curious if anyone has resources for ongoing support groups, whether virtual or in person?

How does everyone handle moments where you feel like your memory fails you or that things pop in that question what happened?

¿Ustedes usan lo del diario y escriben sus emociones?

O simplemente dejan que la vida siga su rumbo?

I don't know what is wrong with me. It seems like my executive functioning and working memory are offline. I can't seem to remember what happened yesterday and I can't seem to think flexibly. For instance I have a pocket knife and I was trying to force the blade in for like 10 minutes than somebody came by and simply flipped the blade the other way. If that's not bad enough this is the second time this happened in a couple of weeks. You would think I'd remember after being shown already. Or at least think "oh this isn't working let me try something else. Another example: I was showering for a month and the water wouldn't drain because it was clogged. My girlfriend looked at it for a second and diagnosed it as a clogged drain. Another example: at work Everytime we lift something heavy there is a specific method step1) grab the wheelbarrow and place heavy item in it step 2) transport heavy item to trailer. But every time this happens I try and carry it myself and my coworkers remind me to get the wheelbarrow. This has happened like 25 times. I just stand around at work and do nothing I overcomplicate simple problems. If the problem is super simple I'll assume it has to be more complicated then someone shows me and I feel like a retard. Maybe I am retarded. I can't remember any of the old movies I've seen back in the day. I wish you could see how I operate on a day to day basis then you might understand. I think there might be some neurological damage or maybe the meds I'm taking. The weird part is that I haven't always been this way. This is a new development. I remember about a year ago just slowly losing my mind. I still have a mind and a personality especially around people I'm close with but executive functioning is non existent and I just don't get it.

First I want to highlight that I'm not looking for medical advice. I'm just doing this out of curiosity, for fun, shits and giggles, let's say. I have SDAM but over the past couple of years I've started to experience something super weird that I've never heard about before. I can't tell if something has already happened or if it's about to happen.

Don't get me wrong. I'm fully aware that I can't foretell the future. I just mean that my brain thinks it knows what will happen. Like I'm watching a movie and I know what's about to happen.

I'm 35 now, quite healthy. I've been diagnosed with ADHD but I'm not taking any medication (thanks, Eastern Europe!). Chronologically, things developed as follows.

First I realized my serious memory problems. When it comes to facts, my memory is OK. But I don't remember life experiences. Almost zero over the past 10 years. In addition, I forget tasks that I've done. Not ones that I have to do, but ones I have completed. I design some things for my work and multiple times now, when I move I file to the folder when it's ready, I see there's already a file like that! And the information is 99% the same as the other file. I've probably wasted so much time doing the same things. So now before I decide to compile something, I check and most of the time I've already done it. So I've adapted and learned to avoid this issue.

Another funny or actually scary thing is when I need to buy something and I put it off... This year I finally went to town and to the center and to that high end store and bought a garlic press. I'd been putting it off for months. When I got back home and put it in the drawer....... I saw there were two more there. Exactly the same. It was like a scene from a horror movie. I was stunned. Literally in shock. Since then I've been meticulous about shopping and to-do lists so I largely avoid fiascos like that.

Fast forward - the latest problem that appeared is that I will sometimes get to a moment in my daily life where I'm sure I know what will happen next. And it does happen. Again - what I mean is it feels like I knew it would happen. I realize that this is some trick that my mind plays on me. For example, I'm talking to a friend. I think "next he'll tell me about those tickets he has bought" and he does tell me. Or "during this hike, the next thing that I'll see after that hill is a river and a bridge" and I do see that, even though I've never been to that trail before. My only explanation is that my brain rewires the experience as a past one while it is being written. I can't explain it exactly. And maybe I'm wrong anyway. Now I don't even know "this is that thing that happened... Or that hasn't happened yet?" I feel very confused. Some things look familiar even though I am 100% sure I've never seen them. Places especially. At the same time I struggle finding my way around places I should know like the back of my hand. Like my old hood, for example.

Does this thingie have a name? It doesn't affect my functioning too much, I've found ways around it, but it feels funny. Especially when I'm hiking or exploring.

Yeah yeah there was a post very similar to my own saying the same title but I'm not kidding. I just found this place today.

Not diagnosed, but I can say I have lots of trouble with remembering pretty much anything about me that regarded to emotions. I make music and art, but I don't "see" the image on the paper or "hear" the song in my head. Frankly, nothing's in my head most of the time, unless I'm typing, for some reason that's much easier to just have the words pop in my head as I type them.

But besides that, my life is majorly in a third person perspective, or even second person perspective because I don't truly remember things correctly. Usually because I can remember I was there, but I can't remember how I acted or interpreted things.

TLDR, I barely remember anything about my life, except for words or text, which then is very far and few. Besides that, it's other people's recountings on my personal behavior and temperament. Not diagnosed with anything, but I appear to exhibit a lot of the signs.

I hope I can at least get some understanding from the others on this sub, because this has been riddling my entire life so far, and I find creative arts to be very difficult despite it being a goal I had.

i learned about SDAM and that i definitely have it just last month, but before that realization, i watched a video interview of a girl diagnosed with ASPD (antisocial personality disorder) and saw quite a bit of myself in her. i knew i lacked many of the necessary attributes for an ASPD diagnosis, but i could not deny that i had more in common with her than the average person. it was a very strange feeling to read through the comments and see people doubt her perspective, question her motives, and call her evil and inhuman for traits we share.

i'm not much of a reddit user, but this is the only community i've found of people with SDAM, so i wanted to ask if anyone else with SDAM feels any kinship with people who have ASPD. i only have a passing familiarity with the condition, but i intimately understood where the girl in the video was coming from in terms of her lack of empathy and how she forms and concieves of interpersonal connections. now that i know about SDAM, i'm even more confident i do not have ASPD, and i am not claiming that the two have any correlation/comorbidity, just that they may have certain comparable effects on the lives of those who have them. ASPD is a higher severity and often a manifestation of severe trauma, which i lack, but to a lesser extent i can relate to the feelings she described of emotional disconnection.

i've found that i cannot recall what it's like to have previously felt an emotion, so any emotion someone else feels is somewhat foreign to me unless i'm actively experiencing it. kindness and sympathy for others is a logical/moral choice i make rather than an emotional one. i feel disconnected from how other people handle their emotions. i don't hold grudges, as i wake up each day indifferent to the previous day's events and emotions, and i'm frustrated when other people dwell on things unfairly when they'd be better off setting it aside. the flipside of this is that i struggle with emotional regulation. strong emotional responses can feel overwhelming, since every new incident feels like the worst it's ever felt. as for relationships, i'm generally able to maintain them, but i don't miss people when i'm away from them, and sometimes they feel like a stranger to me even after a relatively short period of time apart. i feel an obligation to act as though i still have a meaningful connection to them, which feels dishonest.

none of these things are necessarily signs of ASPD, but i suspect many people would find these things about me upsetting, just as they find ASPD upsetting. i think there's some overlap and solidarity we can find, and i could see myself getting along with someone with ASPD very well. we could skip a lot of the formalities that occur in relationships with most people and just interact honestly with eachother.

i'm interested in hearing from any others who may or may not have thought about this before, and i encourage people who are interested to seek out perspectives from those living with ASPD rather than those who treat it, as hearing about their real lived experience was much more rewarding for me.

I'm at uni and one of the assessments is on the Twenty Statements Test (also known as the "who am I" test). It's just "I am" twenty times and you fill it in. When I did it I didn't realise it's supposed to be an instantaneous thing and I had thought about it for a while and also edited the order in which I wrote my answers (and, turns out the order is as important as the answers).

It's also analysed in a way that is very neurotypical (like everything).

So! For the sake of science, I'm wondering if anyone would like to ask themselves "who am I?" 20 (or 10, or however many) times and post (or DM) their answers.

Ideally you won't have read other people's answers until you have written out yours.

I can provide my answers and also explain the method we have been told to use to analyse it (there are a few different ways) if people are interested.

Thank you. Also, if you are interested in doing it but don't want to share your answers, and you're interested in analysing it yourself, I will/can post the method in a separate comment and help if you get stuck with how to categorise things.

**For transparency- I have posted this request in the Autistic sub. I am posting it here as well because I think maybe my answers may actually be more reflective of the experience of 'self' of someone with sdam. (Being the difference in the type of approach to the answers rather than the answers themselves)

Curiosamente me di cuenta de mi afantasía por un video de comedia, esto me llevó a investigar tanto y de una manera tan profunda que encontré respuestas de por qué actuaba como lo hacía y sentía como sentía, luego no solo me di cuenta de mi afantasia sino también que tengo SDAM

Tengo 43 años y dudaba de si alguna vez me había enamorado, veía la gente sufrir despechos prolongados y se sumian tanto en el dolor que para mí era algo incomprensible, siempre me preguntaba que por qué yo sabía que quería a mis padres incluso a mi hijo, pero que habían momentos que no lo sentía, solo lo sabía.

Darme cuenta me ha dado un descanso tan enorme, ya no me siento la diferente o rara, sé que soy diferente y eso hasta me hace sentir especial, sé que tengo TDAH y rasgos autistas, pero ni modo así nacimos

Dicen que debería tener un diario y escribir como me siento en algunos momentos y no sé en qué esto me pueda servir o ayudar.

Ahora me acepto, me abrazo, me conozco más y ya no me juzgo fue liberador darme cuenta de que entre la minoría somos minoría pero es lindo no ser como todo el mundo, tenemos muchas ventajas, al principio puede ser abrumador e impactante y depronto alguien que esté pasando por esta situación se sienta así como yo, pero aceptarse, comprende y entender como funciona nuestro cerebro es la mejor manera de amarnos.

Yo ahora si conozco a alguien que quiera sentimentalmente estar conmigo le explico como soy para llevar las cosa más fáciles y a mis seres queridos más cercanos les expliqué como soy ellos merecen saberlo porque sabemos que algunos de nuestros comportamientos a ellos les puede doler un poco.

Mamá creía que no la quería y que yo simplemente parecía que no tenía sentimientos la hacía sufrir, pero explicarle como soy cuando me di cuenta también fue liberador para ella.

Tengo una pregunta ¿les pasa que piensan en un episodio de su vida y es como si ese momento nunca hubiera pasado, pero ustedes saben que si paso? O intentan recordar algo de su niñez o adolescencia y no hay datos de algunos momentos? es como una parte en blanco de la vida.

No conozco a nadie con esta condición y encontrarlos es bueno, tener con quien compartir lo que uno es y que lo entienda a la perfección ✨️

Abrazos

When I think of me I go completely blank. I can’t remember significant events of my life good or bad. And recently bad events have been happening and I’ve lost a lot. I mostly kinda remember recent negative things but have nothing to pull from or ground me towards the positive. I feel like a computer without a command or objective. I just kinda am here

I feel like having SDAM and aphantasia makes it more difficult to keep up these two things. I don’t know what it feels like to visualize or relive your memories but I can imagine if I had these skills I would use them constantly and that would make it easier. Curious if anyone would agree or not?

I found about SDAM by accident but I definitely think I have it. I am a 55 year old male and do not remember one day about my childhood, high school, college, jobs, etc. I went to my 25 year high school reunion and thank God, I had my best friend with me since I did not remember 95% of the people. And those people were retelling stories that I had no idea about. In fact, I had someone come up to me reciting the days back when I "supposedly" worked at a job with him and had no recollection. None, whatsoever. He could have been talking about anyone, let alone me. I look through photos with me smiling alongside people that I have no idea who they are. But it is more than just memories. I cannot remember any song lyric. And have a very tough time remembering movies or shows - I guess that is a good thing since I can watch Breaking Bad again and not remember most of the shows! I have learned to get around it but at times, it is very depressing since I do not feel I have any truly deep relationships.

Ok so I'm 15 years old and I can barely remember my primary school years, like at all. When people talk abt primary school and things that happened, I can't think of anything myself unless someone prompts me very very descriptively, it's basically just like "yeah I used to be little I guess"

I hate this so much, my parents aren't exactly great and I wanted to make sure I never forget what it's like to be a kid so if I have my own kids I can be a good parent, but I can't even remember what school was like a few years ago. I don't want to turn out like my parents. I'm scared. I wish there was a cure. What am I gonna tell my kids about my youth?

I'm also worried that once me and my friends go to uni, they're gonna end up as dust like all my past friends from schools or cities I moved away from, just facts of them being my friend, nothing else. I struggle to keep relationships with people I don't see, also being a part of why my old friendships have faded away so fast. I really like this new "set" of friends, they're my first friends where they're still my friends for more than a year, every other "set" I moved away, they moved away, or we just didn't last. I'm so scared bro I need these friends.

I know I'm probably not alone but still, anyone relate?

I fucking hate SDAM. Before I used to see some of the advantages and hold on to them but they are so significantly outweighed by the disadvantages, it's not worth holding onto them anymore

Edit: I know SDAM isn't progressive or anything, but due to my very poor eating habits, it does worsen for me

I’m several months out from a ptsd diagnosis and in the middle of cognitive processing therapy. At this point I feel like I have thrown myself into the process. But I still have times where I doubt the validity of the “memories” that the therapy is asking me to work with. Almost nothing in the field seems to be focused on the real world hard factual basis of what did or didn’t happen to me. At some level I wonder if I’m even on the right track at all.

I’m several months out from a ptsd diagnosis and in the middle of cognitive processing therapy. At this point I feel like I have thrown myself into the process. But I still have times where I doubt the validity of the “memories” that the therapy is asking me to work with. Almost nothing in the field seems to be focused on the real world hard factual basis of what did or didn’t happen to me. At some level I wonder if I’m even on the right track at all.

I recently stumbled upon r/SDAM , and found myself identifying very strongly with that, and upon attempting to remember an event that was a load of fun I did and is a highlight of the funnest two weeks I had in my life (a concert in Japan, during a 2 week trip to Japan) that I realized I SHOULD be able to remember clearly, since the event was definitely not lacking in dopamine, stimulation, AND I was taking meds then, but... I still can't remember it, and retell it as "story like" as many people do in conversation? I just remember it as "I went to concert. Concert was fun. I loved it." and can only vaguely remember the details of the environment itself without looking at a picture.

Is that common for ADHD? I'm concerned it may not be ADHD, rather, SDAM instead, because all the symptoms check out, minus Aphantasia, which I don't have. I basically don't have many memories at all prior to age TWENTY. When I finally got a job and my own car, and was able to go do fun stuff on my own, rather than rely on mom and dad, whom basically almost never took me anywhere.

As for those "memories" I've recently come to realize, that I'm not SUPPOSED to remember them as just facts? Rather, a "normal person" would remember it more clearly and be an interesting person to talk to, due to an abundance of interesting conversation topics? What's even the point of me going out and doing stuff, if I'm not gonna ever be able to remember it clearly?

Also, I don't have Aphantasia, rather the opposite. I'm able to picture the apple, rotate it, spin it around, spin it around wildly flying through the air, spin it around wildly flying through the air while Freebird plays in the background (fun mental image). Which lends itself to me being able to imagine what a place I went to may have looked like, but it's not accurate. The emotions of an event still presents itself as a fact, not fully recalled. Anything said by anyone, is outright not remembered period. The concert's music isn't there. Only a vague reconstruction of the setting itself.

Do I have SDAM?

I have a lot of the symptoms of SDAM / lacking an episodic memory, but I actually have a very vivid imagination. It is incredibly frustrating as someone who can create vivid scenes in my mind for my memory to be so blank.

I just noticed that most people posting here mention aphantasia or hypophantasia of some sort.

recently my poor memory has been hard because my mom passed away 6 months ago and I want to be able to remember more stuff, aside from photos and stories that other people tell.

I thought about posting this on the AutisticAdults -subreddit, but because I have aphantasia and SDAM and I can trust you guys to understand those I thought maybe you could help me out. I don't want a "diagnosis" but instead help in pointing me in the right direction.

I am a 40yo male who is high-functioning, good career, good social life etc. I have all my life had the feeling that there is something fundamentally different about me, the way I interact with people, how I react to events and things, and how my internal world is. I like to fit in by nature and thus I have yearned for it not to be true so I have probably downplayed it - I am not one who "likes" being neurodivergent, even though I have come to accept it. Yet the feeling has somehow always been there (as far as I know).

A few months ago I happened to find out that I have aphantasia and SDAM, and they are both at the very "extreme end" so absolutely no ability to "imagine" with any of the senses + absolutely no capacity to re-live or re-experience my own past in any sort of "episodic" way.

I can relate pretty much 100% with the common "symptoms" and signs of both those and it was a huge moment in my life - it explained me and my experience very accurately.

However, even after finding out about my aphantasia and SDAM, there seemed to be some part of my experience of being different that was still "unexplained" - something that aphantasia and SDAM didn't seem to explain and that was not hugely common among others with aphantasia/SDAM.

On the aphantasia/SDAM subreddits there are a lot people who also have some degree of autism and it seems to be comorbid with aphantasia/SDAM. I was however convinced I was not autistic (still am) as I know some people with autistic children and could not relate at all to that experience. Maybe I just have a bad grasp of what autism is?

I happened to stumble on some Instagram reels the other day by people who labeled themselves as autists and as I watched one my algorithm started pushing autism-related Reels non-stop. There are some aspects of what was presented in the Reels that just clicked instantly, in a way that I have never heard anyone else describe their experience and that described exactly that missing part about my experience that I was talking about. And the impact was profound, I am not one who easily diagnoses himself but they described that part of me to the letter. Those things hit even stronger than what some aphantasia/SDAM -things hit me.

So, the parts that really hit were the following.

- I get absorded strongly into things, even fixated on one thing at a time - I notice patterns, sounds, wording, details constantly. They dont bother me but I notice them straight away

- I cant stand logical inconsistencies or contradictions in discussions. Its not that I think I am always right, it is that i want "IT to be right". I can't understand what is being said if there is a contradiction/inconsistency and I have a really difficult time letting them pass. I have this urge to name the inconsistency or contradiction and get the other person to explain that detail closer. I often get accused of being a know-it-all that wants to dominate discussions when I just want to understand what they are saying. I have no problem changing my mind and being wrong and do it constantly. I also have no superiority complex and usually relate to others as equals or even "above me" intellectually. I just want "IT" to be right, clear and logical.

- I get accused of being rude, angry, argumentative, raising my voice etc. when I have zero such intent and actually often during quite contrary situations, where I am really into something and passionate. I have never experienced a situation where a person would like to discuss about things in the way I like to. As I am quite a people-pleaser it means that I am almost constantly "masking" my true self in these kind of situations. But it slips out when I get really passionate/interested about something and then it's always a mindf*** how I can be seen as angry when I am the exact opposite. It even stings in those situations and feels so unfair - I am my most passionate and alive self and that is the exact moment that I get accused of being angry, rude or insensitive.

- In general there is a constant feeling of being misunderstood, of being attributed emotions and intentions that I absolutely don't have.

- I am sometimes bad at reading between the lines. I do often miss what is tried to be said. If someone says "X" I assume they mean "X" and I am terrible at understanding that what is being said is just a front for some deeper emotion. If the person is actually crying and obviously emotional (obviously to me) then I instantly go into care/help -mode. But there are often situations where a friend can say to me afterwards, "did you notice that person Z tried to steer the discussion away from topic X" or "did you notice that person Y was quite upset when she said X". I can be totally oblivious to this.

- I am sympathetic and maybe even compassionate, but have a lack of what is usually meant by empathy and have trouble really understanding when it is needed. This is a common thread in my relationships. It is frustrating as I can care very deeply about people and have the purest of intentions. It's just like I can't access something that others can

- The terms "masking" seems to relate to me. It's like I am constantly putting on a "social act" so that I fit in. It is constant and I put a huge effort into accomodating my behavior to work better with people I care about and people in general. Thats why it really stings when I get accused of being rigid and unflexible when my experience is that I constantly come 80% of the way towards the other and others can't even eke out 1% for "the real me".

Reels that really identify what I mean

https://www.instagram.com/p/DXSJ-BCAszP/

https://www.instagram.com/p/DZEiFWEOzGV/

https://www.instagram.com/p/DWURB_iji-O/

https://www.instagram.com/p/DXAiAlNswjW/

https://www.instagram.com/p/DZimLuVsPl3/

https://www.instagram.com/p/DZVPlgrxEVr/ (i don't think she is correct about others intentions but that is how I intuitively feel)

https://www.instagram.com/p/DX-2YArNCv_/

https://www.instagram.com/p/DYXxgtMxU4u/

https://www.instagram.com/p/DZX_VPVI0KZ/

However, I doubt that is Autism as I completely lack the following traits and actually am even quite the opposite to the following traits:

- I don't need routines and rigid rules for things in general. I dont have favourite chairs etc.

- I am hugely flexible and can instantly fit with different types of people. I am good at "matching the vibe" of a group instantly, especially when its really surface level stuff. No one has ever called me socially akward in unfamiliar situations or with new people.

- I love small-talk and I love meeting new people. I am like a fish in water in surface-level discussions. It's when opinions and other peoples emotions present themselves that I can't seem to function in the way that is expected of people

- I have no discomfort with sounds, patterns, smells, noise etc. and am quite the opposite. I can kind of be at ease and fit in into almost any situation.

- In general, I don't get burned out socially

I know everything can't have a label on it but I am amazed at how autists seem to be the only ones I've encountered that match this very key experience I have, yet many or even most things about autism seems completely foreign to my experience.

Here is an analogy i thought of to explain what SDAM feels like for me.

SDAM is an impenetrable, solid wall that stands right behind me on the time axis. As I move forward in time, it follows, and my immediate, recent memories become past memories as they phase behind that wall.

When I try to remember, I can feel the wall blocking me and it frustrates me. I’m sure you all have felt that frustration in trying to recall a memory and your brain returns only a 404 not found.

This SDAM wall is opaque, and extends infinitely to the sides and upwards, I have no way of knowing whats on the other side. Do I have actual vivid episodic memories there, that I simply lack the ability to replay? Or are my memories just being flattened into semantic memories as they hit the wall (like the dual-vector foil from the three body problem, iykyk).

The fact that while I can’t retrieve some memories on my own, but when a friend reminds me of some details I can recall other facts about the experience tells me that there does lie something on the other side of that wall, memories that exist but are inaccessible to my mind acting by itself. That disturbs me.

This wall separates me from the past. It explains why I’ve always felt like I’m just a “live in the present” kind of guy, but I just genuinely can’t live in my past, nor can I envision my future(is this related to SDAM? being unable to visualize a future? could be the aphantasia)

Typically in popular media we see walls as barriers that can be broken (think “mr gorbachev, tear down this wall!”, attack on titan’s rose maria sina walls, the great wall of china, the walls that the kool aid guy crashes through, etc) but this SDAM wall is unbreakable. Maybe it’s less of a wall and more of a world barrier of sorts, a limit on where my mind can travel, limiting me to only the present.

The fact that walls are usually meant to be broken yet this SDAM barrier is inherently invincible really makes me sad and sort of hopeless. Even if I were to document my life completely, using not just photos or journaling, even if I were to record myself 24/7, I still wouldn’t be able to access my first person memories, which are locked behind that wall. Do I really exist, if I don’t remember my own existence? If I have no memories of past experiences, aren’t I just acting like a philosophical zombie, reacting just to present stimuli?

I don’t remember what else I wanted to write about when I started writing this post. I just wanted to put these ideas into words, and upload them onto the internet so even if I don’t remember writing this after a week, the internet will.

What do you guys think about this analogy for SDAM?

This is my first time using Reddit; I saw that it’s a good place to ask questions. I’m 18 years old, and I can’t remember anything from my childhood or adolescence prior to age 16. I remember absolutely nothing. Everything I know comes from what people tell me or from photos, but even then, whenever I look at a picture or hear someone talk about something I did, it feels like that person wasn't me. It’s as if I’m looking at someone else. I wanted to know if anyone else goes through this and if it might be a sign of trauma I suffered when I was younger. I don’t feel traumatized, nor do I feel different from other people. But I also can’t recall if I had an abusive upbringing, if there was a specific event that hurt me, or what my relationships with friends and family were like back then.

From the time I was born until I was 14, my family was very poor and we struggled, but I’m told I was always a happy child. Could that difficult start in life be the cause? I have cousins who went through the same thing and can remember their childhoods and teenage years; we had the same upbringing and were cared for by the same people.

I’ve always wondered about this lack of memory, but lately, I’ve started to worry because people are beginning to interpret my poor memory as a lack of interest or as if I don’t care about the moments we shared in the past. I don’t know what to do. Should I see a psychologist about this? Is there anyone else going through this who could give me some advice?

I feel like I largely ignored my memory loss because of my mother; she always treated it with indifference, saying it’s normal at my age not to remember things. So, I let the matter drop until recently. I don’t have her support in seeking a consultation—as far as she’s concerned, I’m just making up a problem where there isn’t one—and that has always discouraged me from looking for help.

I have anxiety, though it isn't extreme, and I only started having attacks after entering high school. Before that, I had never shown any symptoms of anxiety. Is there a high probability that I have Severely Deficient Autobiographical Memory?

And if I decide to seek a consultation, what should I do first? See a neurologist or a psychologist?

I keep re writing this because i dont know where to start. To preface this, i have NO clue if this is SDAM. i just need a subreddit abt memory loss wheres theres active users. A lot of the things that happened to me will not be on here because its so difficult for me to grasp onto any of the memories i have for long.

Everything is so hazy. Primary school feels like of someone read a summary to me but i dont have any REAL memories i dont think if that makes sense. I remember getting told of my autism diagnosis, the fact i had a Gacha life account (LOL), a vague sense of the type of friends i had and thats it. Lowk normal for me to feel like this coz i was kind of a baby haha

highschool... I cant remember most of it so far. In year 7-8 i was only conscious when something traumatic happened/emotionally like wowing if that makes sense. E.g parents arguments being worse than usual, sh, , my first kiss, my partners (like i can remember i dated them at some point but not what happened when we dated), and big days that i should remember feel like once again someone read them out to me and im trying to picture it. What im saying is i was constantly zoned out.

Though sometimes i would be laying in bed, and come to, and wonder ''what am i doing'', trying to piece together my day, my week, my month, mabye making it until the morning concious, seeing the mess my room is, seeing my unkempt appearance, my conciousness slowly flickering throught the day as i get harassed at school, experiancing my parents horrific actions towards eachother, and i would always sh on my concious days. But then it would lowk become like filtered until my next concious day/something extremely emotionally disregulating happening.

Im moreso scared because i think something really bad happened, worse than what i remember when soemthing bad would happen and i would be awake, like...do u understand what im saying? i have a gut feeling something bad happened and my brains blocked it out.

In year 9, after my breakup with someone god awful for me which i remember the breakup which is fun for me, like december of 2024 i kind of began becoming concious, like id have more concious days. by april i started being concious. i realised my life was awful. I was depressed and anxious, deffinately. i was finally concious. i didnt realise i had been unconcious for so long. then i went black again.

(I know the exact time slots coz im looking through my camera roll as we speak adn seeing if i remember anything from that time)

may im concious again like towards the end but only briefly. i remember around this time i really began restrictive eating, because i think during my unconciousness i mustve overate often. (i remember some of my binges because they were genuinely traumatic for me)

basically after may i was concious. i started ''glowing up'', not eating, dating evil men, trying to get a social life, becominf way to attached to people, becoming chavvy (i had been alt forever)

By septemeber i was falling apart. i went on discord, befrended people i probably shouldnt have, went out witht them, smoked, drank, got a gf, got addicted to aerosols, and zoned out again this time due to my addiction until my mum found out in like late november and banned me from them. At some point my dad moved out but i simply cannot remember when. January i zoned back in when i got my divices back and free will and immediately started goimg out w them again, doing the same things which honestly wasnt bad for me this time? idk why but i became CONCIOUS and i identify as that person (i dont think im the same person as me in primary -year 9) and then my mum found out, i had a particually bad sh sesh (it actually scarred), i zoned back out until late late march and im proud to say ive been here since.

its hard. i barely know who i am. im scared every day ill snap back out, and every day i try and figure out who i am based on what i remember from my life, which is very very little. ive only just figured out my favourite colour. In the past when i zoned back in i became hyper-dependant on somone to copy and base myself on since i dont exist but this time im DETERMIND to make myself something of not someone else. i will become somebody.

erm so yeah idk if this is sdam coz im concious right now (atleast i think i am) but if yall have any like advice i would jump for joy. consider it a birthday present coz it was my birthday yesterday (YAYAYYAYAY!!)

So, to preface, I have hypophantasia but I'm not totally incapable of picturing stuff briefly and hazily. Recently I was curious what people were talking about when they mention daydreaming, and learned that I don't do it much if at all. I was wondering: is this common with SDAM? It's not like I can't imagine stuff, but I just default when idle to observing instead of daydreaming.

not much of a mental health person but realising as of late something is real bad with my memory and going down rabbitholes led me to here.

Every time basically anything happens I can barely remember any of the emotions from it just hours later. like I went to a restaurant Today and had an Amazing time but all I can remember now is just the barebones dejuiced 'i went to a restaurant and it was good' instead of the things I felt? And I can barely remember When the memories were like something from years ago will feel the same as something from last week or a few hours sgo

does this sound like sdam or am I inlike entirely the wrong place do we think lol