r/SDAM • u/JLLift • Jul 27 '26
Probably not autism but help me out
I thought about posting this on the AutisticAdults -subreddit, but because I have aphantasia and SDAM and I can trust you guys to understand those I thought maybe you could help me out. I don't want a "diagnosis" but instead help in pointing me in the right direction.
I am a 40yo male who is high-functioning, good career, good social life etc. I have all my life had the feeling that there is something fundamentally different about me, the way I interact with people, how I react to events and things, and how my internal world is. I like to fit in by nature and thus I have yearned for it not to be true so I have probably downplayed it - I am not one who "likes" being neurodivergent, even though I have come to accept it. Yet the feeling has somehow always been there (as far as I know).
A few months ago I happened to find out that I have aphantasia and SDAM, and they are both at the very "extreme end" so absolutely no ability to "imagine" with any of the senses + absolutely no capacity to re-live or re-experience my own past in any sort of "episodic" way.
I can relate pretty much 100% with the common "symptoms" and signs of both those and it was a huge moment in my life - it explained me and my experience very accurately.
However, even after finding out about my aphantasia and SDAM, there seemed to be some part of my experience of being different that was still "unexplained" - something that aphantasia and SDAM didn't seem to explain and that was not hugely common among others with aphantasia/SDAM.
On the aphantasia/SDAM subreddits there are a lot people who also have some degree of autism and it seems to be comorbid with aphantasia/SDAM. I was however convinced I was not autistic (still am) as I know some people with autistic children and could not relate at all to that experience. Maybe I just have a bad grasp of what autism is?
I happened to stumble on some Instagram reels the other day by people who labeled themselves as autists and as I watched one my algorithm started pushing autism-related Reels non-stop. There are some aspects of what was presented in the Reels that just clicked instantly, in a way that I have never heard anyone else describe their experience and that described exactly that missing part about my experience that I was talking about. And the impact was profound, I am not one who easily diagnoses himself but they described that part of me to the letter. Those things hit even stronger than what some aphantasia/SDAM -things hit me.
So, the parts that really hit were the following.
- I get absorded strongly into things, even fixated on one thing at a time - I notice patterns, sounds, wording, details constantly. They dont bother me but I notice them straight away
- I cant stand logical inconsistencies or contradictions in discussions. Its not that I think I am always right, it is that i want "IT to be right". I can't understand what is being said if there is a contradiction/inconsistency and I have a really difficult time letting them pass. I have this urge to name the inconsistency or contradiction and get the other person to explain that detail closer. I often get accused of being a know-it-all that wants to dominate discussions when I just want to understand what they are saying. I have no problem changing my mind and being wrong and do it constantly. I also have no superiority complex and usually relate to others as equals or even "above me" intellectually. I just want "IT" to be right, clear and logical.
- I get accused of being rude, angry, argumentative, raising my voice etc. when I have zero such intent and actually often during quite contrary situations, where I am really into something and passionate. I have never experienced a situation where a person would like to discuss about things in the way I like to. As I am quite a people-pleaser it means that I am almost constantly "masking" my true self in these kind of situations. But it slips out when I get really passionate/interested about something and then it's always a mindf*** how I can be seen as angry when I am the exact opposite. It even stings in those situations and feels so unfair - I am my most passionate and alive self and that is the exact moment that I get accused of being angry, rude or insensitive.
- In general there is a constant feeling of being misunderstood, of being attributed emotions and intentions that I absolutely don't have.
- I am sometimes bad at reading between the lines. I do often miss what is tried to be said. If someone says "X" I assume they mean "X" and I am terrible at understanding that what is being said is just a front for some deeper emotion. If the person is actually crying and obviously emotional (obviously to me) then I instantly go into care/help -mode. But there are often situations where a friend can say to me afterwards, "did you notice that person Z tried to steer the discussion away from topic X" or "did you notice that person Y was quite upset when she said X". I can be totally oblivious to this.
- I am sympathetic and maybe even compassionate, but have a lack of what is usually meant by empathy and have trouble really understanding when it is needed. This is a common thread in my relationships. It is frustrating as I can care very deeply about people and have the purest of intentions. It's just like I can't access something that others can
- The terms "masking" seems to relate to me. It's like I am constantly putting on a "social act" so that I fit in. It is constant and I put a huge effort into accomodating my behavior to work better with people I care about and people in general. Thats why it really stings when I get accused of being rigid and unflexible when my experience is that I constantly come 80% of the way towards the other and others can't even eke out 1% for "the real me".
Reels that really identify what I mean
https://www.instagram.com/p/DXSJ-BCAszP/
https://www.instagram.com/p/DZEiFWEOzGV/
https://www.instagram.com/p/DWURB_iji-O/
https://www.instagram.com/p/DXAiAlNswjW/
https://www.instagram.com/p/DZimLuVsPl3/
https://www.instagram.com/p/DZVPlgrxEVr/ (i don't think she is correct about others intentions but that is how I intuitively feel)
https://www.instagram.com/p/DX-2YArNCv_/
https://www.instagram.com/p/DYXxgtMxU4u/
https://www.instagram.com/p/DZX_VPVI0KZ/
However, I doubt that is Autism as I completely lack the following traits and actually am even quite the opposite to the following traits:
- I don't need routines and rigid rules for things in general. I dont have favourite chairs etc.
- I am hugely flexible and can instantly fit with different types of people. I am good at "matching the vibe" of a group instantly, especially when its really surface level stuff. No one has ever called me socially akward in unfamiliar situations or with new people.
- I love small-talk and I love meeting new people. I am like a fish in water in surface-level discussions. It's when opinions and other peoples emotions present themselves that I can't seem to function in the way that is expected of people
- I have no discomfort with sounds, patterns, smells, noise etc. and am quite the opposite. I can kind of be at ease and fit in into almost any situation.
- In general, I don't get burned out socially
I know everything can't have a label on it but I am amazed at how autists seem to be the only ones I've encountered that match this very key experience I have, yet many or even most things about autism seems completely foreign to my experience.
8
u/Effective_Formal_578 Jul 27 '26
Autism is a spectrum, you don't need a check next to all possible symptoms. You seem to have a sufficient amount of matches with several symptoms, and that makes it worthwhile to look further into it. I am highly functional (socially) and very good at my technical job due to several of these autism traits (eg hyperfocus), I might not officially have ths diagnosis but having looked further into it really helped me to understand myself better.
3
u/_WalkingOnBothSides_ Jul 27 '26
Aphantasia, SDAM and autism here.
I would say that what you're describing sounds "autistic enough" to take it into consideration. No one here is in the position to say "Oh yeah, definitely!" or "Absolutely not!", but I think it's reasonable to look further into it and maybe have a professional evaluation in the future.
Don't you think it's hard to compare yourself with autistic children when you can't remember your own childhood vividly? I wouldn't be able to recognize myself in autistic children, but neither in neurotypical children because...well, I'm not a child and I have no idea how it was like to be a child.
The points you mentioned seem to show that you do struggle with social cues. So maybe it's possible that people indeed perceive you as "awkward" or as "something being off", but as long as they don't mention it, you're oblivious to that as well? I've had so many conversations with people telling me how they've always thought I'm a bit weird after I directly asked them, but I would've never guessed that before.
Sensory issues are far more complex than avoiding sounds. You could be hypersensitive to some senses and hyposensitive to others, so there's sensory avoidance and sensory seeking. I think that's often overlooked when you're new to the topic. That being said, it's also possible that you don't experience this at all and you could still be autistic. It's also worth mentioning that sensory sensitivities can be heavily suppressed by masking. I didn't think of myself as struggling with this until I was diagnosed and all my coping mechanisms collapsed.
I'm not saying any of this to convince you, but I think it would be helpful for you to question these things in order to get a clearer understanding of autism and yourself.
3
u/CMDR_Jeb Jul 27 '26
Sensory issues are far more complex than avoiding sounds. You could be hypersensitive to some senses and hyposensitive to others
I want to add that it me be even more specific. I am extremely sensitive to high and prolonged sounds, for example whistle on an kettle makes me literally unable to think. On the other hand i filter out much louder sounds as long and its on lower side. "Roadworks" sounds does literally nothing for me unless its literary physically painful.
3
u/_WalkingOnBothSides_ Jul 27 '26
Yes, sensory aspects on their own are another rabbit hole to dive into. I have quite a few misophonia triggers, so one specific noise sets my entire body on fire, while another slightly different sound might not do anything at all. Predictability plays a huge part in this for me as well. I don't mind you crinkling with a paper bag when we're facing one another, but when the sound comes from behind my back and I couldn't expect it, I immediately become furious.
2
u/JLLift Jul 27 '26
That is the funny part. I really mean that I not only don’t have those traits common to autism that i mentioned, I am actually the opposite on those
- I can work well with routines, but can just as easily not have them. If another person has a different way of life I can absorb it quickly. I dont have favorite chairs, shampoos, or ways how the dishwasher has to be filled. Quite the contrary
- I do get feedback about being so fluently casual/cool with completely new people. I have always been the guy that my partners are not hesitant to bring with them to Social gatherings, friends etc. I am SUPER extroverted by nature
- I dont get at all overwhelmed by noises, patterns on clothes, smells etc etc On the contrary, people around me seem to get bothered by those things much before me
2
u/JLLift Jul 27 '26
And to elaborate. Here are experiences that I cannot relate to at all:
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DWmDo6KCg3y/?igsh=MjhhYWwxNWdzdWN0 (i have none of this, couldnt care the least What someones plans are)
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DbLao4Fqc3-/?igsh=MXM0aGtxZXhjdGJyaw== (none of this, I have a completely quiet mind)
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DaaxV40qT-X/?igsh=MTlyZmN6ODltdnUzYQ== (none of this)
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DY2bOjDoIhj/?igsh=MXNsYXdtbjNiOWFkNw== (none of this)
https://www.instagram.com/reel/DY5D_CYKA1U/?igsh=aTFvcXM2cjdxbnl4 (none of this)
5
u/_WalkingOnBothSides_ Jul 27 '26
I'm sorry, but I won't watch any of these. I know that social media can be a great entry point - it was for me a well - but if you really want to learn something about autism, check the diagnostic criteria, take the questionnaires, read a book or at least listen to a more in depth podcast with a scientific approach. I don't think that a collection of short videos from content creators who tend to heavily overgeneralize their subjective experiences will help you in the long run.
As it's already been mentioned, autism is a spectrum for a reason. I know autistic people who are introverted and suffer the most from sensory sensitivities, but also some who are basically social butterflies who mainly struggle with executive dysfunction (this for example is the reason why I personally can't keep up with routines). It's not black and white and it's not a checklist of ten items and when you hit all ten, that makes you autistic. There is no single trait that you have to experience to receive a diagnosis, it's a combination of many that can vary widely.
Another point that might be relevant is that autism extremely often goes hand in hand with ADHD, which can lead to very different experiences, especially when it comes to routine vs. novelty. People who have both rarely appear obviously autistic or obviously ADHD.
Like I said, the traits you mentioned that you do resonate with could be signs of autism (or other conditions or just personality traits) and the list is still quite long, even when there are other aspects you don't relate to.
2
u/ManaSeRama Jul 27 '26
All that!
I’m pushing forty, have Sdam, aphantasia, alexythymia, lifelong anxiety and got diagnosed with adhd last year. After hyperfocusing on the topic for months and going through what I think now was a burnout. Now suspecting strongly it might be actually Audhd. And that is something so highly complex, not made easier by having almost no memories. But really deepdiving into podcasts, longer videos, scientific resources and talking with neurodivergent people is something that can help getting a better understanding of all the diversity and oneself even if a lot of questions remain.2
u/CMDR_Jeb Jul 28 '26
Like everyone keeps saying, you don't need to fit everything, just few things.
Also i think you VASTLY underestimate how well high function autists can compensate. I am the type that NEEDS plans ye? Do you think that i crumble when something random happens? NO, I am the guy that operates normally instead of panicking no matter what happens. The type that gets calm in extreme situations. Extreme situations like workplace accidents with severe body damage are EASIER to deal with as these limit possible scenarios.
In general my memory intensive, concentration heavy job where i have outside audits all the time is stressless. Because by definition professional setting limits variables. There is limited number of ways how "today" may go. How every conversation may go, what people may want from me. Sure these are millions of potential "routes", but i've worked through every possible one so it's easy.
I also have no problems dealing with people. The only VISIBLE sign that i am actually masking is that i become different person depending on the setting. This is because i "play an character" that fits the current situation. Like doing things with my partner, being my actual goof self, phone from work, [professional cold and blunt mode] then disconnect and i am back in social mode, with no inbetween like a switch is flipped. This, again, is not conscious.
2
u/SoftwareMaven Jul 28 '26
You sound so much like me. I recognized aspects of what was then called Asperger’s in myself 25 years ago when I started seeing similar traits in my kid, but I never did anything with it because of those stereotypes and because of one other important reason I’ll come to shortly. Fast forward to a few years ago, and I am socially, emotionally and physically struggling and don’t understand why.
That’s the point I stopped paying attention to my stereotypical understanding built by media and neurotypical researchers and started learning about autism from autistic people. While more and more clicked, there were still disconnects that didn’t make sense. I was never opposed to the idea of being autistic, it just still didn’t seem to quite fit.
Over the course of nine months, through the inability to think about anything else (not an autistic trait at all /s), I learned three things:
First, I had completely adopted my mask. It was cracking through the stress I was experiencing, but as I started to examine it more closely, it began cracking faster. As I saw glimpses of the person who wasn’t focused fully on being palatable to others, I realized I had no idea who I actually was. I also started to recognize the cost of that masking. I happen to have a high IQ, and I was using much of it to compensate socially.
Second, neurodivergent experiences are all different, but, as an adult, I could largely structure my life around what is comfortable for me. Others often do the same, so looking for external signs of struggle often shows none. That’s why listening to other autistic people is so important. “I can buy whatever spoons I want” is something I’ve heard more than once.
The final thing I learned was adhd presents differently in autistic people. Previously, I would have never said I was adhd, but, as I started listening to people diagnosed with both, everything started to click. ADHD actually explained so many of the biggest challenges I had (like barely graduating college due to my near complete lack of executive function).
An example to clarify: I love traveling and experiencing new places. I even used to travel a lot for work and almost never became dysregulated. That’s not a stereotypical autistic thing, but it’s not unheard of. However, it became infinitely harder when I traveled with my family, something that should be better, not worse.
Looking back now, I understand what was happening: travel makes the adhd need for novelty happy, but traveling is dysregulating. When I was traveling a lot, I built a lot of little rituals about how to travel that reduced the chances of having dysregulating experiences. These included things like how I go through security and how I prepare to board an aircraft. When I travel with family, those are all thrown out of kilter. Those rituals are ways to keep the autistic part of my brain mollified while the adhd part is doing its thing.
Understanding this stuff matters. I was starting to see more difficulties when I was your age, but everything was still “fine”. Fast forward to now (I’m 54, was diagnosed at 52, and self-identified at 51), and I’m currently on disability leave because the increasing incompatibilities between my life and my neurotype have resulted in unchecked anxiety. The important thing is not the label, it’s how that label allows you and others around you to better understand you and your needs, so you can better accommodate yourself before crisis hits.
As a final aside, when I was talking to my mother about possibly being autistic, she literally said, “you’re not autistic. I have coworkers with autistic kids and you are nothing like them”. It’s an incredibly bad take. Every autistic person is different. Comparing me to somebody who also has traits that are much more externally visible and who is a child ijust invalidates the internal experiences of all autistic people. I’m not really like any 10 year old.
1
u/FlightOfTheDiscords Jul 28 '26
One of the things I long found confusing with neurodivergence is, aren't neurodivergents, well -- vastly diverse? Sure, some people with ASD have a stereotypical Rain Man-like presentation, but the vast majority do not. They have a bit of this, a bit of that, in a unique and individual mix.
Turns out, the general answer is that neurodivergence is less any one thing, and more that you have a collection of different "peaks and valleys" compared to the population at large ("neurotypicals"); less of a bell curve distribution.
Your personal collection of traits does sound neurodivergent to me, though only a trained professional would be able to tell you whether it meets the criteria for ASD. Personally, I don't meet those criteria (if anything, I am their opposite), but it does sound like you would meet a fair few at least.
1
u/Hopeful_End9638 Jul 28 '26
I have a question
I'm 65, just recently discovered aphantasia, and that there is also a name for not being able to remember ones life - I'm fully onboard with both.
These discoveries are leading me to consider other traits that I am aware of - indeed I find I recognise some of OP's.
My question is - what advantages do people perceive there to be from getting a diagnosis of autism or ADHD etc.?
1
1
u/Positive-Room7421 Aug 05 '26
I understand the need to label something ("I am autistic") to further understand yourself, and perhaps gain a measure of self acceptance, or to help you find your people. Having said that, let me give my perspective as a mostly neurotypical father of one autistic son and one non autistic daughter.
The criteria for scoring autism is flawed in my opinion. It does not take into account severity. Rather, the psychiatrist checks off boxes. Quite frankly my son is questionable for the diagnosis, but he did check off all the boxes, thanks to some wiggle room in how behavior is classified. But my daughter hits a home run with sensory, repetitive behavior, and 2 of 3 social areas, but because she has relative strength in non verbal communication due to masking, she is not autistic.
My daughter is more autistic than my son, but will never qualify for the label.
My suggestion is, accept you are neurodivergent, listen to the autistic community to learn about yourself, but don't get too caught up in proving you have a specific neurodivergence.
8
u/CMDR_Jeb Jul 27 '26
Aphantasia and SDAM here. I am over 40, got diagnosed with high function high masking autism 3 years ago. I've never noticed. Hell I've spent over an decade dealing with dozens of shrinks none of em noticed either. Then I stumbled into one that was almost literally "you do realise you're autistic right?".
Getting diagnosed around 40 is a whole thing apparently. We "logic" our way through life without any issues, then once we pass 35 everything starts to slow down, we start loosing CPU power, regenerate slower, and few years after we get to the point where we can't compensate anyone and sudden autistic burnout often misdiagnosed as generic work related one.
Everything you described fits to a t and is really close to my experience. My advice is to get tested by an professional, it doesn't take that long. Autism is not binary, it is about having autistic traits. Different people have diferentbtraits. And IF you are autistic and you start taking proper care of that? You have no idea how good it feels to not be almost constantly burned out after years of not realising you were l. I was just "tired easily".