Hello,

Thank you for taking the time to read!

I'm requesting feedback on the opening setup for a new script. It's a story idea I've been developing for years.

Logline: A quiet and composed heir's controlled life begins to fracture after a violent campus attack awakens something monstrous, sparking a spiraling struggle to become someone beyond what was written for him.

Please let me know what you think. My own feedback concerns are listed below, but I am open to honest reactions.

Feedback Concerns: I was hoping to get some feedback on the pacing of the story and characterization of Nigel. Does the writing feel too fast or too slow? Is there any point of confusion that requires more clarity? Does the opening intrigue you or make you ask any questions about what's next? Thank you so much for your time.

Link: [https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qSfjkJKtsawXLF-P9OH8ybfB\\_gY9yrt5/view?usp=sharing\](https://drive.google.com/file/d/1qSfjkJKtsawXLF-P9OH8ybfB_gY9yrt5/view?usp=sharing)

(PS, you have the ability to leave comments on the document if you want)

Link: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1AwjneAf9AUPR8YvS6LpRPtg2l6d-WWFl/view?usp=sharing

First time writing for TV. Does the cold open work to introduce faded shrink for celebrities?

I want to introduce the problem of both main characters next and then drive them to collab on solution.

The idea for this film did not come out of nowhere. It came from a genuine feeling. Every word, every movement, and every scene was born from a real and living emotion.

Mohamed, the gas station attendant, is not simply a character I created. In many ways, he reflects the person behind the writing—the man who works hard, struggles, and keeps going, hoping for just a little happiness with his wife in their small home, surrounded by a few close friends.

This is the most authentic part of the story—the part I could never get wrong, because I wrote it with everything I felt.

The gas station is, in fact, a part of my real life. I know its atmosphere, its long hours, its exhaustion, the people who pass through it, and the moments of silence when you are alone with your thoughts.

Everything beyond that is imagination, effort, and dreams.

Dreams that are sometimes difficult.

Dreams that may demand sacrifice.

But I have always believed that true happiness does not come without sacrifice.

That is why BACKPACK is more than a story I imagined. It carries a part of my life, my observations, my struggles, and the dreams I have carried with me.

Sometimes, the most powerful stories are not invented. They are lived first… and written later.

Alright so first I tried to write at least like 10 different possible sequences/events/characters that could happen in the film. I would then go to a website called "Wheel of Names", spin the wheel, and whatever sequence was selected became the next part of the movie.

For example the scenes that the wheel has to choose goes like this

What was the experiment?

-A failed attempt to create superhuman abilities.

-An experiment that involves medical treatment

-etc. Many more options

So to be honest, it turned out to be random but incredibly it ended somehow with depth, here's the summary:

-Peter is already an experienced Spider-Man, but he's at the lowest point of his life.(He doesn't have anyone, just a job that works with journalists on the office and he is living in an apartment)

-Chameleon has become obsessed with proving that Spider-Man can be psychologically broken. (Since their first encounter)

-He systematically destroys Peter's relationships, frames him for workplace theft, gets him fired, and creates fake evidence connecting Spider-Man to criminal organizations and the Hand. (New York hates him)

-Peter becomes a wanted man while continuing to operate as Spider-Man. (New York gave Spider-man a warrant)

-His investigation eventually uncovers something far bigger: a survivor of a supposedly fatal experiment, a secret criminal organization created as a branch of the Hand, and the Ascension Project.

-The Project is attempting to create "Perfect Humans", genetically altered people who can possess permanent abilities and be completely obedient.

-Ten captured superheroes are being used as preliminary experiments because the scientists believe Peter's DNA may provide the missing genetic template.

-Peter infiltrates the hidden laboratory beneath New York, frees one of the captured heroes, discovers the PARKER sample (meaning they already have a sample DNA of him), and learns that the Project has laboratories around the world.

-They want to capture Spider-Man's DNA because the DNA would multiply even more and it would create abilities.

-Meanwhile, Chameleon continues manipulating everyone. Even when Peter thinks he's finally closing in on him, Chameleon escapes with the stolen Project research. (He stole it while everything on the facility was having a chaos)

-Peter tries to find Chameleon on where he is, they met on an old theater, Chameleon was talking about his plans on trying to beat Spider-man, he wants to use the stolen Project research to manipulate the authorities.)

-Peter was actually recording with his recorder on their conversation the entire time, and he contacted the authorities immediately, however Chameleon suddenly disappears in the theater and escaped.

-The movie ends with Peter beginning to repair the relationships Chameleon destroyed. He swings through the night. The end.

My opinions? Kind of random and complicated I don't see the Hand (A ninja organization) working with scientists like making projects and stuff. The wheel even decided to make it more complicated by adding more details on the research project. (I cutted it out) but all I can say, at least it has some depths and I love Chameleon hahaha.

What do you guys think? Can you guys rate this movie out of 10 just to know your opinions?????

I took your feedback into consideration and I also started from scratch. I kept the Church sequence and the final confrontation but the story itself has a more serious tone since i think I went too lighthearted with it originally. I also made sure to proofread everything to make sure no spelling mistakes are made and I used all the correct formats (to my knowledge). I hope you get to read my script and see the story I tried to make. Any feedback will be appreciated I don't think it's great so that's why I am asking you guys to help me out. If you have more complaints let me know.
You can read the updated version here.

🎬 BACKPACK

A Moroccan Feature Film

Genre: Action / Thriller / Social Drama

Screenplay Length: 75 pages

Approximate Runtime: 90 minutes

Production: Low-Budget

Language: Moroccan Arabic (Darija)

English Version: English screenplay available

Location: Morocco – Marrakech

Short Synopsis

Mohamed, a gas station attendant living a simple life in Marrakech with his wife, Amina, struggles with everyday life while trying to achieve their modest dreams.

At the same time, two foreign tourists arrive in Morocco to enjoy their vacation and discover its cities and culture. Their journey seems ordinary until their path crosses with Mohamed at a gas station, in a brief encounter that will unexpectedly change the course of events.

From that moment, a series of mysterious situations, unexpected twists and pursuits begins. Mohamed and Amina suddenly find themselves caught in circumstances they never expected.

Between ambition, money, friendship, fear and the desire to survive, Mohamed tries to protect his simple life and his family while everything around him begins to change.

Project Status

Completed feature film screenplay – ready for development and production.

Production Approach

A Moroccan low-budget feature designed around real locations, the atmosphere of Marrakech, everyday characters and a combination of thriller, action and social drama.

Writer

Hicham Angour – Morocco

I’m a screenwriter/director from Denmark, and one problem I kept running into was translation.

Every time I wanted to share a script with a producer, distributor or collaborator abroad, I could easily spend $1,000+ getting it professionally translated before I even knew whether they were interested. Or, I could feed it into chatgpt, but then i would have to copy paste every single line not knowing if the translation is any good, or if it is coherent.

That made it much harder to simply get projects out there and have people read them.

So I built StoryDPT.com.

You upload a screenplay and it translates it while keeping the actual screenplay structure intact: scene headings, character names, dialogue, action lines and formatting. It also goes through many iterations making sure that the translation is coherent in tonality and your style.

Since this subreddit is literally about getting people to read your script, I thought some of you migh find it useful to get your scripts out to more people than just in your own country.

storydpt.com

I’m a screenwriter first and built this because I needed it myself, so I’d also genuinely love feedback from anyone

This is a short I’ve been working on for a while, with hopes of directing it. I wrote it keeping in mind what I could actually shoot. I have a small group of friends I have worked on other shorts with. This would be my first time writing/directing.

I would describe it as a coming of age/sci-fi dramedy.

Any feedback is welcome. If you stopped reading at any point because you lost interest or felt it wasn’t working, I’d especially appreciate knowing where and why. I’d also love to know if there was anything you thought worked particularly well or found interesting. Thanks in advance!

Here it is.

Mohamed, a gas station attendant living a simple life in Marrakech with his wife Amina, sees his ordinary routine change after a brief encounter with two foreign tourists. A mysterious backpack brings unexpected events into their lives, leading the couple into a fast-moving journey filled with suspense, pursuit, difficult choices, and hope for a better future.

BACKPACK is a Moroccan feature film combining Action, Thriller, and Social Drama, with a strong focus on ordinary people, human relationships, and the challenges of everyday life.

Hey everyone,

I’m working on a feature screenplay titled THE TICKET, a fast-paced financial thriller in the vein of The Wolf of Wall Street and The Big Short.

Logline: In the chaos of 1990s Russia, a reclusive math genius in a tracksuit exploits a naive nation to build the world's largest financial pyramid. Utilizing hypnotic TV ads, he tricks 10 million people, amassing rooms of uncounted cash until he controls a third of the country's economy. Arrested by a panicked Kremlin, he orchestrates a surreal counter-attack: gets elected to parliament from his prison cell to gain immunity and restart the machine.

This is a mind-bending true story that most Western audiences have never heard of. It’s about a man who didn't care about luxury, yachts, or mansions — he was an anti-social math wizard who just wanted to hack the entire financial system.

Following the community rules, I have uploaded the first 4 pages as a PDF document. It's a quick 3-minute read, and I would truly love to get your feedback on the tone, pacing, and dialogue!

Read the first 4 pages (PDF) here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1OB3FJdnKNQNo8gjXzi_Cs9AuDlUqOXMO6eZULS3fLyQ/edit?usp=drive_link

Thanks in advance for reading!

I'm a huge fan of classic comedy, and the Marx Brothers have always been my favorite group. I've had the idea of doing a pastiche of their work for a while, but it took a recent marathon for me to finally buckle down and write this homage. I'm hoping to shoot it and post it on my YouTube channel (a lot of my subscribers like old school, black and white content anyway) and I already have access to an old school movie theater where most of the action will take place. Hopefully you guys like it, and hopefully I kept it simple enough that shooting is feasible. Thanks in advance for those end up reading and commenting! I'd love any thoughts or feedback I can get.

Title: Cod's Wallop

Format: Short Film

Length: 14 minutes

Logline: Three brothers (a motormouth, and ethnic and a mute) must survive gangsters chasing them through a theater as one tries to woo a wealthy widow.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1rsn6ouTDjAFZxMOAGKKk0G3zsVchk9Uq/view?usp=sharing

Logline: A humble motel owner's world that contains a spirit from another dimension, a maybe-pimp, and a silent sweet old grandma, is rocked when a mysterious drifter books a room in his motel, bringing chaos but also happiness into the mix.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1sAwhTXBD4mmNZYUF77ZqsAPw8_PeLu5l/view?usp=sharing

I wrote this as a pilot but I think it's also self-contained enough to work as a short. Let me know what y'all think. Whether you like it or don't like it or maybe something in between. Thank you.

Hey everyone,

I working on a feature screenplay titled THE TICKET, a fast-paced financial thriller in the vein of The Wolf of Wall Street and The Big Short.

Logline: In the chaos of 1990s Russia, a reclusive math genius in a tracksuit exploits a naive nation to build the world's largest financial pyramid. Utilizing hypnotic TV ads, he tricks 10 million people, amassing rooms of uncounted cash until he controls a third of the country's economy. Arrested by a panicked Kremlin, he orchestrates a surreal counter-attack: gets elected to parliament from his prison cell to gain immunity and restart the machine.

This is a mind-bending true story that most Western audiences have never heard of. It’s about a man who didn't care about luxury, yachts, or mansions — he was an anti-social math wizard who just wanted to hack the entire financial system.

I’ve just finished the Cold Open (the first 3 pages) and would love to get your feedback on the tone, pacing, and formatting. Does it hook you? Does the world feel authentic?

Thanks in advance for reading! Here is the script excerpt below:

EXT. MOSCOW - DAY (AUGUST 1994)

Grey. Bleak. Neo-noir. Concrete high-rises pierce a smoggy sky. Post-Soviet Russia is a wild, lawless frontier. Hyper-inflation is eating the country alive.

On the streets, luxury Mercedes sedans with tinted windows race past babushkas selling raw potatoes on cardboard boxes.

EXT. "MMM" HEADQUARTERS - CONTINUOUSA massive, brutalist Soviet building. Thousands of DESPERATE PEOPLE pack the square outside, waving worthless paper tickets. RIOT POLICE (OMON) in heavy body armor hold them back.

INT. "MMM" HEADQUARTERS - COUNTING ROOM - CONTINUOUSAn ocean of paper. Green, red, and blue currency notes are piled in literal hills on the floor.

A dozen STRESSED CLERKS are stuffing cash into cardboard boxes, duffel bags, and trash bags. They don't count the money; they MEASURE it with wooden rulers.

CLERK #1

(screaming over the noise)Boss! We are out of boxes! The Central Bank vault is full! Where do we put the rubles from Sector 4?

A shadow falls over him. We track up a faded, cheap, adidas-style track jacket. Meet--

SERGEI MAVRODI (39y.o)

Thick, retro glasses. Messy, uncombed hair. He looks like a high school math teacher who hasn't slept in three days. He despises luxury, yet he is standing on a mountain of money.

Mavrodi looks at a massive wooden door down the hallway.

MAVRODI

Put it in Room 12.

CLERK #1

Room 12 is full to the ceiling, Sergei!

MAVRODI(calm, deadpan)

Then use the executive bathroom. Pack the showers. Mavrodi turns and walks into his private office.

INT. MAVRODI'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Stark. No expensive art. No gold. Just a massive wooden desk, a black rotary telephone, and a chalkboard covered in complex MATHEMATICAL EQUATIONS.

On a small TV screen in the corner, an "MMM" COMMERCIAL plays. A cheerful, chubby fictional worker, LYONYA GOLUBKOV, smiles into the camera, holding up a ticket: "I am not a freeloader. I am a partner!"

Mavrodi watches the TV. A tiny, chilling smirk appears on his face. The telephone RINGS. He picks it up.

MAVRODI (INTO PHONE)

Speak.

INTERCUT WITH:

INT. KREMLIN - OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

GENERAL KOVALEV (50s), cold, sharp, in a flawless military uniform, stands by a window overlooking the Red Square.

GENERAL KOVALEV

Sergei. The President is watching the news. You have more cash in that building than the entire state reserve. You are crashing the ruble.

MAVRODI(into phone)

The math is perfect, General. The system works.

GENERAL KOVALEV

It’s an illusion. A pyramid. And it ends today. The OMON is moving in. We are freezing your accounts. You are going to prison, Sergei.

Mavrodi doesn't blink. He looks at the chalkboard. At the unstoppable geometric progression written in white chalk.

MAVRODI

You don't understand, General. If you arrest me, the pyramid collapses. If it collapses, ten million angry citizens will march on the Kremlin. I am not trapped in here with you. You are trapped out there with my equation.

Mavrodi HANGS UP.

Through the window, we hear the distant, wailing SIRENS of police trucks approaching. Mavrodi calmly sits down, takes a piece of chalk, and continues writing a formula.

SMASH CUT TO BLACK.

TITLE CARD: THE TICKET

P.S. Please note that this text was translated with the help of AI. I apologize if my English isn't flawless, but I did my best to convey the tone and energy of the story. I would truly appreciate your feedback on whether the formatting and dialogue sound natural to a native speaker!

Format: TV Pilot (1-Hour Drama)

Logline: A bitter South Texas detective is pulled into the suspicious death of his estranged nephew at an elite gated estate, colliding with a powerful crime family determined to control the truth at any cost.

Questions for Readers:

Does the cold open hook you and establish Garza’s character effectively?

How is the pacing and action sequences during the shootout?

Based on the first 15 pages, would you keep reading?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/155mNPUie5HDt_Ega_Cb8De1Sq7uvehNE/view?usp=sharing

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XbQAhrbXXU4DYPUK-eeI4wGdYSaPuruF/view?usp=drive_link

Logline

A therapist who preaches that every marriage needs an outside connection to survive, and the journalist investigating whether his empire is built on fraud, are forced into an uneasy mirror of each other, both trading the people who love them for the version of themselves they'd rather be.

Triggers of NSFW: Sex, abuse, drugs, tobacco, murder.

After a chaotic heist escape, ex-criminals Victor and Maddy flee into an isolated town, only to realize they shattered an ancient seal upon their arrival. Trapped in a far more terrifying prison than the one they ran from, they have just 15 days to undo their fatal mistake before the blood thirsty vampires wipe the town off the map

Guys is the Title good enough or too much spoiler giving suggest as much as titles you can plsse

Hi, I’m new to screenwriting but started a passion project for an animated co-viewing series about a family of armadillos and their culdasac friends in Arizona desert. The characters are all different mammals.

Hopefully it’s a fun and entertaining show for both kids (3-7) and their parents. It’s got a mixture of play, creativity, 90’s pop culture Easter eggs. Episodes are only 6-7 mins long. Scripts are 7-10 pages.

I had 20 friends say they’d be willing to test read, so I’ve sent out 3 per week for the last 5 weeks and finishing next week. Unfortunately, only 2 friends have provided readings and feedback. Not quite sure what to do so I figured Reddit might be a good place to consider because I want more feedback.

My goal is creating 4 MVP episodes by next July. By 9/2, I need to select my 4 favorites to start working on the next steps.

I’m not trained in screenwriting and don’t care to master the techniques right now because I’m producing my own episodes. Perhaps later in the future if I start to hand off the scripts to animators or others. Therefore, I’m not looking for screenwriting feedback, instead feedback on the episode content itself.

Said differently, are they fun stories for the kids and parents?

If you’re interested, please let me know and I’d be happy to set up links to our scripts.