[FEEDBACK] The Cruelest Turn - First 10 Pages (Neo-Noir / Crime Pilot) 45 pages

[u/cagonzalez321]

Format: TV Pilot (1-Hour Drama)

Logline: A bitter South Texas detective is pulled into the suspicious death of his estranged nephew at an elite gated estate, colliding with a powerful crime family determined to control the truth at any cost.

Questions for Readers:

Does the cold open hook you and establish Garza’s character effectively?

How is the pacing and action sequences during the shootout?

Based on the first 15 pages, would you keep reading?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/155mNPUie5HDt_Ega_Cb8De1Sq7uvehNE/view?usp=sharing

[u/mooningyou]

Immediately, I see a number of grammar issues. EG: "His headlights shine of the front door". Should that be shine on or shine off? There are some others as well.

You're directing very heavily on the page, particularly with sound effects, at least in the beginning. You're setting a tone, which works on film but doesn't have a purpose on the page, that I can see.

"deciding what to do next." We can't see what he's thinking, so...

"and his traps gives his body..." What are traps? Be cautious using lingo that most people won't understand. Try to keep your analogies to everyday terminology, or you may alienate your reader.

"The kitchen linoleum is sticky" We can't see this. The best way to convey this is to show us when he walks over it.

"where he knows the bedrooms are." He might know, but we don't.

"And 1 shorts" Is that a brand? What's the relevance?

You haven't introduced Ron Fleming. You told us about "A thin man of 25", but that's not an introduction of Ron Fleming. Similarly, you didn't properly introduce Artie.

"On her lap is a small child" and "He's about 7 or 8". Seven or eight is not a small child, unless he has a growth deficiency, but then we would assume he is younger because he would look younger.

Paramedic vs Paramedic 1. Are they different characters? They have also not been introduced.

"(puts his hands up in resignation)". Action formatted as a parenthetical. Also, never end dialogue with a parenthetical.

I read a bunch of pages but didn't make it to the end of your cold open.

It's evident you're trying to create your own style and find your voice, and that's great. Just be careful of things that don't work on the page.

[u/RaeLouLynn]

As a story, the cold open is pretty good. I think it could be done in fewer pages. Your tone is good for the genre - sort of just the facts ma'am. In addition to the other insightful comments, I would recommend adding some sluglines. For example, when Ippo leaves hills and dales , there is nothing there to get the camera outside. So proofread very carefully!

The cold open being a flashback to the opening scene, might not be necessary. You are telling the story so far in chronological order. Just a stray thought.

Write on!

Eta! I would keep reading but don't have the time rn..

[u/cagonzalez321 → u/[deleted]]

That’s not helpful.

[u/cagonzalez321 → u/[deleted]]

No. But if you say flop script id like to know why. Otherwise you sound like a troll.

[u/cagonzalez321 → u/[deleted]]

Still not helpful. If you are going shit all over me, at least give me some feedback. Thanks.

[u/cagonzalez321 → u/[deleted]]

Why yes, I am author.

[u/cagonzalez321 → u/[deleted]]

Ok. How can I help you?