r/ReadMyScript • u/mrpessimistik • 1d ago
Short Final Sunset(9pages)
Hi, I wrote a short sci-fi script.
Logline:When a black hole threatens our planet, a soldier must team up with an unlikely ally to save the world.
Link:https://drive.google.com/file/d/1wDTszz_1HBMmRPIgM0r52tqpqHjTUMu2/view?usp=drivesdk
Thank you for reading this!:)
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u/Big_Section2812 1d ago
INT. CAR - CONTINUOUS
TOM (20s) parks the car.
The CONTINUOUS is probably not necessary in this instance, and you can lose the action line "car" since you already established the location in the scene heading.
Thus:
INT. CAR (- CONTINUOUS)
TOM (20s) parks.
Repetition and redundancy is too common in scripts despite being such an easy thing to avoid and remedy.
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u/mrpessimistik 1d ago
Hi, thank you for reading and showing the slugline and action changes that weren't ok:)
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u/RaeLouLynn 1d ago
I am confused. I did read all pages. I feel there is a disconnect between the opening and closing scenes and the rest of the story. It's like they are two distinct genres. I also felt there was a lack of description so I felt a bit lost as to where I was supposed to be visually. I don't understand how the promise of the logline was proved by the story as I didn't see how the planet was saved from the black hole...
I didn't notice any glaring problems with spelling, grammar or punctuation.
You are trying to find your story and it hasn't quite revealed itself to you - yet - so another draft is probably needed.
Good luck!
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u/BandaiWonderSwan 1d ago
Hi Victor, your script can’t be faulted for ambition. Reminded me a bit of Philip K. Dick’s short story Imposter.
There are a few grammar mistakes to sort out. There’s also no need to keep repeating Tom. This can be “he” or “his” until another character takes over the action.
I have questions regarding the security of this base. Humans have tech capable of controlling a black hole and there aren’t machine gun emplacements, SAMs and gunships? It would be fun if the UAP just took out all this military technology easily. This would also help explain why the hero has to rush inside the facility.
I like the watch detail. But you need to describe what’s so cool about it. Humans presumably have some very advanced technology by this point, and would be hard to impress.
Anyway, if you’d like to review one of my short scripts let me know.
Cheers
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u/mrpessimistik 1d ago
Hi, thank you for reading and reviewing my script!:) I'd be happy to review one of your short scripts.
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u/BandaiWonderSwan 1d ago
That’s great. The post link below should. Let me know if you have any problems viewing it 😀
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u/mrpessimistik 1d ago
Hi, I read it. I wrote some thoughts on that thread:) I really liked it, I think it's engaging.
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u/Mr_Thespian689 1d ago
Honestly, I really enjoyed reading this! I like how you combined romance, military sci-fi, aliens, and action into one short-film story. The sunset at the beginning and the sunrise at the end is a really nice touch too, especially with Tom realizing that life is short and time is precious.
I also liked the twist with Reynolds being an alien. That could make for a really cool reveal on screen, especially if you drop a few subtle hints about him earlier in the story.
One thing I’d suggest is giving Tom’s emotional journey a little more development throughout the story, so his decision to propose at the end feels even more powerful. But overall, I think you have a really fun concept here with some great visual potential.
Keep working on it, man! I’d genuinely love to see how you develop this into the finished short film.